My boyfriend dumped me out of nowhere

[nina]

Recently my boyfriend called me and told me out of the blue that he was unhappy and didnt know what he wanted in his life and that we should go on a break. I was with him all weekend and he had just finished telling me how much he loved me and that I was the only one for him. He didnt once act like a thing was bothering him. I thought we were happy. This came out of nowhere. I am so confused and when I try to get him to talk to me he wont. I feel like I put so much into the relationship and that I deserve more than just "I'm unhappy, I dont know what I want in my life." I thought he really loved me. I just want to know the truth. I want to know why. I keep thinking what did I do wrong? Why doesnt he want me anymore? How is it so easily over for him? I am distraught and all he could tell me was you should have seen this coming and its not the end of the world. As much as everyone tells me to get over it and move on I just cant. I hate being so depressed and down. I just want to be back with him and happy. I dont want to be with anyone but him. What should I do? How can I make him understand? How do I get him back? Should I even try?

[Alison]

You know the same exact thing happen to me, my ex said I need to find myself I don't know what I want lets take a break. I said you want to get back together and he said I hope so. Turns out he never wanted to get back together.

Believe me I know it is so hard and it hurts so much. It is the worst feeling in the world. One minute he says your the one and he loves you and then the next minute he doesnt know what he wants. I tried talking to my ex and he wouldn't talk to me. What you need to do and I know it won't be easy. You need to not contact him at all. If he cares he will contact you. By you contacting him you are kind of going to push him away and he is going to know that you will be there waiting for him. Do not give him that power. Don't make him feel like he calls the shots. Go about your day, I know he is on your mind 24/7 but try to go out with friends, work more, keep yourself as busy as you can. Also I know with me I would just start crying randomly at work or something, what helped me was I told myself you can't cry until 9 tonight. Then you can let it all out. Not sure if you have that problem, but I'm sure you do. So let me know how it goes

[nina]

I feel exactly that way. I cry constantly. I just miss him and I wish he would know how bad he is hurting me. I want him to realize how much he screwed up. I was perfect to him. I know he wont find anyone that will treat him the way I did. I just hope one day he will realize it and want me back and I will already be moved on and be able to say NO you know you screwed me over NOW you know how it feels to be left alone and hurt. Do you think that day will ever come?

[alicia24]

this just happened to me to over the weekend. DONT CALL. and if he tries to call you tell him not to until he is 100% sure of what he wants. Its not fair to string you along. I hate him for what he did to me and at the same time i love him. if its meant to be it will work out. hang in there. keep yourself busy

[Alison]

You know Nina I feel the sameway, but by then you won't even care. And what everyone tells me everything happens for a reason. If its meant to happen it will. And you have no control about any of it. I have a question. How old are you guys? Its just the same thing happened to me. How long were you guys together?

[SMF]

girls-

my ex bf did the EXACT same thing to me. Our stories couldn't be more identical. We were together for a year- he is 29 and I am 26 and we had a very healthy, happy relationship moving on the right path towards engagement. The only red flag I saw in hindsight was that we spoke so much about the future, the wedding, the rings, living together, etc... YET he never told me he loved me and I held back. He was so caught up in the fluff that he didn't stop to check out reality... Well I guess he did bc he broke up with me out of the blue via phone while I was on a business trip. Left me to deal with all of his mess and his inadequacies of not knowing how to love, flipping out, him feeling overwhelmed, innner pressure, etc... and it ended.

 

Like your guys situation, I was with him 3 days prior face to face and he made me feel all was fine. Then out of left sky this occurred. Additionally, HE REFUSED to speak to me. He could not have a conversation if his life depended on it and he didn't want to deal with the situation. So of course, naturally in dealing with my own emotions and trying to obtain answers- I called several times- no call back. Then he emailed me saying that he is not ready to reconsider- (like I had done something wrong) but he still wanted to talk- I SAID HELL NO! I won't compromise myself like that. I did not thing to deserve this and for him to break up with me, act like a coward, act like a jerk and then try to have his cake and eat it too. NO WAY- I am better than that. I deserve better than that.

 

So I then instilled the no contact rule. DO IT! It works wonders not only for the situation but it allows you to heal. I have gone about my business for the last few weeks and I feel so much better.

 

Of course the pain hits you from time to time but I have a clear head and that is what I was yearning for. I was pining for this person and for all that he was and asking a million questions as to why did he do this, what for, how could he do this.. and i came to the realization that IF someone is capable of doing this and INCAPABLE of having love for me- GOOOOOOOD BYYYYEEE. I will find someone that will. You be strong girls!!!

[Alison]

Yeah the no contact rule does help, although it shows me that he has moved on. Except for the other day his mom calls me, telling me she bought my mom a movie she said she was going to about 4 months ago. She also asked me how I was doing and talked a lot about my ex. Stuff I rather not know about, how he was doing, what he was doing etc... She wants me to go to the house on friday to pick up and movie and since I still have some of his items that I have to bring back I said I would. It just makes it so hard. I am trying so hard to have no contact and then out of the blue she calls, almost 4 months after we broke up. I told her her son wanted nothing to do with me and that he was so mean to me, and she said well he is hurting right now and he might say things he doesn't mean. Then she said I hope one day you two will beable to sit down and talk about this. She said I wish the best for you.

Its so hard for me because my mother is sick, and she had basically took on the role of being my mom. I really miss her! I didn't realize til I talked to her on the phone for about a half an hour. What do you guys think about this?? Nice of her to think of my mom and me, but kind of strange at the same time right???

[Bender donetat]

3 words........FEAR OR COMMITMENT........sometimes its sudden sometimes its very slow and painful.....i just had a 1.5 year relationship end where my girlfriend was the one looking up rings, dresses, etc. but i was the one holding the broken heart when the reality set in that she was in a MATURE REAL relationship.......

[smile95]

Wow a great post that gave me hope that this pain will subside! Does NC really help? My guy refuses to talk to me too. I have done NC for 11 days and I am ok and it makes me have nothing additional to think about, but about every 4 days I get sad and wonder how he could do this, I did nothing, etc. How can they be so selfish? I feel lost, but I am counting on NC. I need to also see I deserve to be loved the same way I love someone. He was so selfish and I want to move on. Thanks for your post. What do you do when you get sad? DO you ever think of good times and have the urge to call and tell him how you feel??

[sinkerswim]

Wow..I know how it feels when they wont talk to ya. I totally understand.

I hope things get better for you.

[dna]

We just did not connect anymore, she was becoming a different person..I really don't care if she is seeing some one else bc to qoute Bill Belicek ( head coach of the new england patriots ) it' not what they do in someone's elses system...it's how they perform in yours..not calling is the best...never mind closure..that's a load of crap...take the stance that you will improve your life..and become so great..they will only be able to watch you shine from afar......trust me...they will be watching...

[Verysadguy]

I recently had something very painful happen to me. My boyfriend and I had been dating for around 11 months and we both loved each other very much.

 

We would do so many wonderful things together like go bowling, go to the movies and the park, hold hands in the street, go for picnics. One day out of the clear blue sky he came over to my house. My granmother had died the same day and i was very upset. He sat on my bed with me, looked me in the eyes and said "i dont love you anymore and we dont have a future together."

 

i couldn't believe this was happening...That someone can dump you the day your grandmother dies...I couldn't even mourn her death properly because i was so upset about my boyfriend doing this. I always treated him very nicely and there was absolutely nothing i wouldn't have done for him to make him happy.

 

I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. To make things worse he refused to see me and said he needed time apart and wouldn't return my calls or anything for 2 weeks because he wasn't "ready" to be "friends" yet.

 

2 weeks past and i went over to his place with the dim hope he'd tell me he'd made a terrible mistake but instead he sat there gloating and implying that he was seeing other people and that there was nothing at all wrong with that. So i let him have it and ended up screaming my head off at him and haven't spoken to him since.

 

Its been about 2 weeks now and i still miss him. I know i shouldn't. My brain keeps reminding me how awful he treated me but my heart keeps flashing back to all the great times we had together and how the person i spent time with, then, would have never done something like this.

 

I'm very depressed and alone at the moment. It doesn't seem like anyone nice will ever love me again and that all my relationships might end up like this.

 

Please help.

[Splatty]

Same thing happened to me, I wanted to get engaged and she decided to take off. When one person is reasonably happy they usually never see it coming. She also wants to be friends some of you have posted. I refuse to be friends even though she was a real best friend. I know how important I was in her life, that makes me feel better. All of you remember that they did love you and it is not easy for them to walk away either.

 

I decided to NC her it's been over 2 weeks now. I feel better knowing I am not talking to her on MY terms. The funny thing is that I don't think I will ever communitcate with her again. It makes me feel better that she is giving up so much and she doesn't realize it yet, but she will. I thought long and hard and I came to the conclusion that dating other people is the right thing for me. If she misses me and want to try again and I want to try again great. If not I have tried to find the next love of my life. You never know I may find someone else and not care if she wants to get back.

 

All of us are going through the same thing, all of us feel the pain, I wish you all well. I hopefully you all get the results you desire, if it is a second chance or new love. Good Luck.

[Normella]

Okay, I'm going to tell you MY experience with a "break" and while I know it may not be the same thing, it'll just let you know what's most likely going to happen...

 

I was with a guy for about a year and a half. It was a good relationship, although we had tons of difference with everything. We used to argue and fight and blah blah blah. Other than that, things were nice. There was this girl he was friends with before we dated, and he snubbed her for me after they had slept together. this was BEFORE me, but the girl didn't quit. It was really frustrating, and caused most of our fights. He'd call her names and say she was nuts and blah blah...

 

So the night we broke up, he told me that he "just didn't know anymore" and "wanted a break." I was like, a break? wtf is a break??? lol...we never got back together, but he DID want to see me on occasion(that's what selfish people do). I, being the "loving" and also very desperate girl I was, obliged and kept seeing the moron. This last March, he began calling over and over again, saying that he loved me and missed me and wished things were different, etc...Then I found out he got the same girl pregnant...the girl he called names, etc..

 

People who need "breaks" are really just seeing another person or are interested in another person. They want the freedom to see or talk to a person who sparked their interest and since they like you, too, they want to kinda have their cake and eat it.

 

Forget giving him space. If he calls, tell him to shove it. cry all you want, because crying is a good thing. Just know that months from now(or however long it takes for you to see the sincerity in this moron of an ex), you'll look back and laugh your butt off.

 

In the end, though, nothing anyone says in here will make sense to you because you're not seeing clearly. You're probably going to call him and cry on the phone and ask what's going on, blah blah blah..and that's TOTALLY normal!! Trust.. But just know that plenty of people have gone through it already and after he starts acting like a punk, we'll all be here to call him an a-hole with you. Good luck to ya!

[SMF]

You can't really make that broad of a statement and have your situation be the case for everyones situation.

 

A lot of people take breaks and there isn't another person involved- chances are you were just in a bad situation. No offense... but its not good to offer advice on here and say that your situation is the case for everyone else's situation.

[Normella]

Originally posted by SMF

You can't really make that broad of a statement and have your situation be the case for everyones situation.

 

A lot of people take breaks and there isn't another person involved- chances are you were just in a bad situation. No offense... but its not good to offer advice on here and say that your situation is the case for everyone else's situation.

 

So...tell me, when have you seen a "break" that came out of nowhere end up working out in a getting back together and being happily ever after?

 

Of course, my situation was a bit different(duh) and I stated that at the beginning of my post, but I have had other friends who have called a break and just wanted to be single for a while. I think it's very selfish.

 

I think, though, if the guy was going through some serious mental issues or had lots of stress and didn't know how to handle it, then yea, a break sounds awesome and just about right because he's thinking of the relationship and doesn't want it to suffer, but this guy just told her out of nowhere that he wanted one. Selfish, selfish, selfish...

 

If someone can't take the relationship anymore, or doesn't feel like it's right, they shouldn't string the person along with a "break." Look at the girl, she's driving herself crazy, wondering what she did wrong and how she could have done things differently, when in reality it probably has nothing to do with her. Blah to that.

[adversity]

I had a break with my ex after he broke up with me out of the blue.

 

He tried to contact me after about 5 or 6 weeks, but i ignored all his timid overtures.

 

Then on my birthday, he left me a card on my table with the song by Agnetha Faltkog: If you ever change your mind. I SMSed him to say thanks for the card and he said, so now do i get to have dinner with you?

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we decided to try again. He admitted that he had come to the realization that no girl would ever be as nice to him as I was, even though he still found me hard to swallow because i'm very assertive.

 

It lasted a grand total of 6 weeks, and suddenly he did the breaking up out of the blue again. No warning.

 

He has this problem whereby he gets doubtful about the relationship because he sees something he doesn't like, and it escalates and instead of talking about it, he just declares he wants to break up, hasn't been happy for a while, and denies that he ever loved you. i.e. slash and burn tactics. He told me maybe the reason he wanted to try again was because he was scared of losing a friend. His need for dissociation is so strong that he says whatever he thinks will get you away from him.

 

The question is, all these guys who are able to dissociate in the blink of an eye, will do it again and again and again. Especially if they know you care deeply for them. It's an abusive relationship, because they've abused your love, your trust and your loyalty.

 

So if you want to get back together with them, you have to be prepared for the possibility (which is quite strong) that he will do the same thing over and over again. And then, you have to ask yourself - is that what you want? Are you prepared to go through the same pain? And each time it will be more devastating.

 

Even if he has been a bastard in breaking up with you, IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. You are the same person you have always been. Don't let this kind of person give you issues, and always give your love openly. One day you will end up with someone who appreciates it and does not abuse this gift that is given to him/her.

[netrie]

My bf and I started to see each other the very first night we met back in Oct. 2003.

 

Well, I initiated the first "break" back February 2004. I was very pist off at him and he was going about doing his own thing, vacations w/o me -- trips w/o me etc. and I was so confused as my heart and mind were in great conflict. However, I never actually broke up with him at this time, but I told him I needed some space. Well, I was just wayyyyyyyy too attached to break up with him. Interestingly, he sounded devastated when I told him I need space. He even asked me if I was breaking up with him. I never did -- YET. I think I just needed to know what was going on.... It is possible that he was stringing me along and we were sexually attached to one another. Very sexually attached.

 

Finally, in April, the day after our Easter brunch, he decides to EMAIL me and call it quits by saying, "we are not forever so lets stop seeing each other so often." I did not respond so he calls the next day sounding as nervous and hesitant as he could via the phone recorder and leaving the message. I was devastated. I cut off my phone number immediately to protect myself AND HEAL. I was shaking and crying and he never knew it. I figured that I needed to totally isolate myself from him so I did. NO CONTACT available. I even blocked his email immediately. You may judge me but I was not strong enough to handle the trauma that I felt. I was too devastated.

 

Then one month later after I unblocked his email -- Strangely, and out of the blue, I receive an email from him and he is wanting to know how I am doing. Well, I waited for 5 days before I responded as he had flooded my every existence and permeated my whole soul with thoughts of him. It was so awful, so painful and so traumatic. I replied that I missed him. He was over in a new york second and all over me. BUT I was not that friendly. I felt horribly nervous and "beat up."

 

After that night, he emails me about getting back together. A few days later I broke it off. I was just too wounded from his April breakup and I could not go through it again.

 

Youre gonna think I am nuts: One month later after that I email him to day I miss him. He responds immediately that he also is thinking of me quite a bit but he has just started a new relationship and he will let me know if it does not work out.

 

One week later he emails me to tell me his NEW relationship did not work out and he wanted to let me know he is single again and do I want to still talk.

 

Boom! We are back together and it was so beautiful... until I went into his email account one night. He found out; went ballistic on me yelling on the phone, I had seen that he is a "player" and that he is really a very insecure man etc. BUT I apologized to him anyways. Well, he kept on calling me and calling me. We got together and it continued sexually for a few more weeks.

 

Then I ended it again. I could not take it anymore. He started to be emotionally abusive towards me. I found myself crying all of the time alone and in the car. Finally, I told him NO CONTACT. At first he emailed me to ask if I found someone new. Then he agreed and its been peaceful. A bit sad at times. But all of the pain and all of the agony and uncertainty and drama was just too waring on me. He was not bothered but wanted to keep on with me whenever he wanted me...

 

Its now been 5 weeks.

 

Use the No Contact rule. It works, but only if you make it work. If you have too much dysfunction -- Don't give in.

 

Netalia

[LauraJ]

Wow, i thought it was just me was feeling like i did after my ex split with me, but u guys show me i'm not alone!!

 

I'd been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years, when he decided "He didn't know what he wanted anymore" and broke it up with me. simply eith the line "I think your just a friend, and that's all we'll ever be" I understand people get confused, but to suddenly decide that he wanted nothing more to do with me hit me hard. I mean how does a person change their mind like that? what did i ever do other than love him?

 

Well it's been a week since he split with me. I couldnt believe it when he decided to split. We got on great together, had good times, he made me feel fantastic and special and all the things a guy should.

 

Ive cried, iv got angry, ive ate lots of chocolate and developed a few more spots due to him but that's it, no more.

 

Because for all you girls out there who are going through the same as me uv gota realise that your not alone. and that you are worth so much more.

 

I don't contact him anymore although i often feel i want to there just isn't a point, If he wants to contact he can but I won't bother.

 

Although i'm upset about it I just keep thinking, it's so much better to have split up than to be going out with someone who doesn't even want me anymore. I'm not being second best or having a boyfriend with doubts. I am worth so much more than that!!

[Papillon]

Originally posted by LauraJ

I don't contact him anymore although i often feel i want to there just isn't a point, If he wants to contact he can but I won't bother.

 

Smart move. Hope everything works out for the best!

[snilljente]

"The question is, all these guys who are able to dissociate in the blink of an eye, will do it again and again and again. Especially if they know you care deeply for them. It's an abusive relationship, because they've abused your love, your trust and your loyalty. "

 

YES!!!THIS IS WHAT EVERYONE KEEPS TELLING ME...THAT THIS IS A PATTERN FOR HIM.....I KNOW HE'S STILL WITH THE GIRL HE "LEFT" ME FOR.....I KEEP WONDERING WHEN THE OTHER SHOE IS GOING TO DROP FOR HER....WHY IS IT THAT ONCE HE REALIZED HOW MUCH I CARED, HE FREAKED AND RAN?!!! AND DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY CAN DISSOCIATE IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE OR DO YOU THINK IT'S AN ACT/COPING METHOD... ??

[Guysgetdumpedtoo]

Hey,

 

Stop using the word girls please. I just got dumped by my girlfriend out of the blue saying she loves me but we need a break. It happens for to us guys too and I did nothing but love her, and what did I get? An email saying its over one morning. WTF is that. It sucks, I have called and left messages, she hasn't called back. So ya w/e life sucks. But please stop saying girls! Cause women can suck too. So there.

[nina2]

I assume he either is seeing someone else or feels like he needs to experience other girls or he could even be gay.

the best thing you can do now is to ignore him. He will either come back(if he is streght) or not(he is gay).

[snilljente]

Nina, who are you responding to?

[Chernise]

My boyfriend of about 2 1/2 months dumped me by e-mail-OUT OF THE BLUE!

I really adored my boyfriend and thought things were going great, he gave me the keys to his apartment after our 2 nd week of dating. My boyfriend and I had the a similar circle of friends, and we worked int he same building. If he wanted to dump me he could have done it face to face, instead he avoids me for three days and then sends a e-mail stating he decided he needs his "bachelor time". (Question??-why send a e-mail to me at work when he works on the same floor??????, I know what your thinking-"how old is this kid", HE IS 27 (GROW UP!)

I decided that even though I was so bogusly dissed, I would still use him for sex atleast....no strings attached. What makes me really tickled is that he called me today and asked me was I still going to be his date for this wedding this weekend. Instead of saying to me " Hey, would you still be my date to the wedding", he states"Are you still going to the wedding?" First of all, I don't know who's wedding it is, so why would I be going, and usually when you dump someone that bad any plans you made are void. PLEASSEE! Can someone help me understand, I will go into more detail if need be.