doodlesaurus Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I apologize if this is in the wrong section. Truthfully, I'm kind of new to this whole thing, and I've never been particularly good at navigating forums. I've just been distressed lately, and it seems this forum is constantly popping up whenever I search for something that's bothering me. I've been wanting to get all of this off my chest, and I was hoping I might find something here, whatever that might be. So. Ah. My name's Mike, and I'm in a semi-open relationship with my live-in boyfriend. We came to this agreement before we'd started dating, and after some very stern guidelines were set regarding it --- namely to protect my feelings, given I'm monogamous, but my partner likes online roleplay / cybering, and I have physical limitations as a transgendered man. Everything functions smoothly. Most of the time. But there are little periods of time where nothing seems to be working out right, and I end up feeling rejected or less important to my partner than his interest in roleplay partners, or chat partners he calls pets, what he spends most of his time doing. We've been dating for almost a year (in June), and this is the longest relationship I've ever really maintained. It's certainly the only one where I've had an ounce of respect paid to me, and for what it's worth, I'm not unhappy with him. It's just that the dynamic of this open relationship has changed dramatically out of the obvious Honeymooner phase. It used to be that we'd spend a lot of time together. We'd go swimming, or play video games together, go out to eat once a week or so. I felt engaged and like I was a part of his life and daily routine. After we hit five months together, things seemed to get a little bit wobbley with this arrangement. There was a normal decline, and we didn't go out as often, but then suddenly all engagement stopped. We barely do anything together without my having to beg for it, and even then, it's usually after I've given up, gotten upset, and have decided to go to bed or go do something else to keep from getting irritated, and only then, it's like it's an act of pity to maintain peace in our household rather than because he's actually interested in spending time with me. We had a fight last night, in example. I've been asking him for weeks if he wanted to do something together. Have a movie night, play a game, do -anything-. He's attempted a few times, but he only gives me half his attention. The other half is spent on my lap top, chatting with "pets", or idly playing games on Steam. I finally got frustrated enough to ask him if he could spend even a few hours a day off of the computer and with me --- just me. In his mind, there's no difference between being on the computer and with me, and being off of it, though, and so the conversation usually spirals into an argument where I've tried to explain that I feel alienated and uninteresting to him. I mean. Literally. We wake up in the morning, and before I've even gotten up to go to the bathroom, he asks me to hand him the lap top,and he's on it until he's tired enough to go to sleep. Mean while, I'm sitting nearby, trying to keep myself occupied, and trying to get him to look away for even a minute to do -something- other than chat online. So I explained all of this to him, for the third time, and he just flat out said that he didn't want to spend time with me. I shut up, and just decided to go to bed, told him to do whatever he wanted to do. An hour or so later, he woke me up, told me, oh, in a half hour, we'd watch a movie or something. Half hour came around, and no dice. An hour rolled around, he shut the computer, laid down with me, and promptly fell asleep not even five minutes later. And that fight's what brings me here right now. I'm kind of emotionally devastated that he woke me up, told me he'd spend time with me, and then just went to bed like it was unimportant. I feel like I always come second to everything else in his life. He could go weeks without being bothered to so much as tell me thank you for cooking dinner, or even that he loves me --- and while he's never been as emotional a man as I am, he was always way more expressive than this. The lack of affection is taking a real toll on my feelings. I feel like he's more affectionate with his roleplay partners online than he is with me. I feel like he worries more about their feelings, or finding new ones, than he is with satisfying a very basic need. I'm not clingy. I don't need him to be attached to me every hour of the day. I'd be happy with even 2 hours of uninterrupted time with him, that didn't involve him not having access to the computer because our electricity was shut off or something. I'm at my wit's end. I really don't know how to explain any of this to him, or to let him know that this version of our agreement isn't going to work unless he respects my feelings too. I respect his need for diversity. I just want him to respect my need for commitment, and that I'm prone to insecurity, which I do try to keep in check. When I do explain it to him, like I said, we usually end up fighting about it. He'll treat everything I say like a set-up --- like I'm trying to set him up to prove I'm right and he's wrong, even though I'm not. I just desperately want him to show me that he cares that I'm here. So... I'm sure this whole mess is rather long. A lot of this is kind of complicated (aren't all relationships?). He's not a bad person, and I don't really want anyone to get that impression of him. He can be very sweet, and supportive, but lately the constant computer use has become an issue for me in our relationship.
ja123 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 ... namely to protect my feelings, given I'm monogamous ... Mike, this is not a relationship you should be in given that you're monogamous. Why are you sacrificing your feelings, your values, your self-respect, and your sanity for this man?!!
NervisPervis Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Hmmm.... Tough one. He'd rather spend nearly 100% of his time interracting with (boy?)friends online than with his live-in (boy)friend. Ignores you when you ask for an ounce of affection. Hmmm.... Tough one. And to all you others out there that agree to an "open" relationship when you really don't want one: FIND SOME SELF RESPECT AND LEAVE THAT RELATIONSHIP!!!
Author doodlesaurus Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Just because I'm monogamous doesn't mean that I have issues with polyamory or sexual liberties. Sexuality is a lot more complicated than that, and I can process being in an open relationship just fine. I simply choose not to engage in activity with other people, because I'm not interested. I can if I want to, but my choice not to engage in that aspect of our relationship doesn't mean I have low self-respect for myself, nor does it mean that I'm incapable of functioning in an open relationship? My values are a lot more complicated than "I'm monogamous, and my partner should also be monogamous". I kind of resent the assertion that I'm sacrificing my values and self-respect, when my opinion on sex-outside-of-relationships isn't that it should never happen. My partner and I have an open-disclosure agreement. He does tell me before anything is engaged, and he does tell me after. Really. If your only advice is to leave the relationship, that's not at all what I was hoping for, given I feel this is more of a communication issue regarding boundary setting to me --- and I'd rather work on communicating better with my partner than leaving him over something I'm not bothered by. It's not the open relationship part. It's the communicating a need for more physical affection part in a way that doesn't come across as condescending or accusatory or like he doesn't care. I do feel like I sometimes come in second, but my partner is not as outwardly affectionate as I am, and the issue of computer usage time = / = him not necessarily caring. It's communicating why it bothers me that he's on the computer so often, not the computer usage itself. Either way, the issue was resolved through a lot of talking the other day, and discussing why it matters so much to me that he gets off of the computer for a few hours a day at least to spend with me, and how it's important to me to have regular physical contact with him to feel like I'm not being shut out or becoming less interesting to him, because physical touch is how I process affection. Seriously. I wasn't expecting such a condescending tone. My partner and I do have issues regarding this dynamic and how to maneuver, but I'm not unhappy in this relationship, or with this dynamic, just the communication barriers regarding being sensitive, whereas my partner did not come from as emotionally liberating of a background. I am with and stay with my partner because we've been through quite a bit together, between two bouts of homelessness, aggressive family members, and starvation. We've always supported one another, and that counts a little bit more towards the pros than communication problems do. I apologize if the situation came across as more troublesome or prevalent than it actually is, but, really. Don't make assumptions. It just makes you sound dismissive. A simple talk or suggestions on better communication in a relationship would have been nicer.
NervisPervis Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Apologies. I should know not to comment on situations I know nothing about.
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