puppybear Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 I've been seeing the same guy for 3 months. I'm 30, he's almost 29. He's not seeing anyone else. Neither am I. We have mutual friends. We see each other 4-5 times per week. Why is he afraid to be my bf after 3 months? Is it too early? Our mutual friends already consider us bf/gf. So, what's the deal? Does this mean he wants to keep his options open or is he just afraid of the word "boyfriend"?
mugirl213 Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 Did he say that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend? It doesn't sound like it....or am I missing something? Just sit down and talk to him and ask where your relationship is going...nothign wrong with that.
puppybear Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 Someone asked if he was my bf and I wasn't sure. I told him about it and asked him if he was. He said that it was a committment to be a bf and he wasn't ready for that yet. It's not like I'm asking him to marry me! We dated once before, for a couple of months before this, only for us to be just friends again because I asked him "where we were" in the relationship. Nothing's changed (for the worse) since I asked him if he was my bf. Should I just wait another month? And, maybe the bf will evolve?
unsafe Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 I think that if you are happy with him just let things be. I know its hard not to get ahead of ourselves when we feel a certain way about someone. But maybe he is scared of commitment. He is almost 30 and still single which isn't to weird now adays but still. Maybe that is your sign that he is commitment phobic. If this is what you want. then I would just leave him alone and show him where you are is where he wants to be. And things will hopefully fall in place. I dated two guys not at the same time but they had the same result. they both didn't want a relationship. But we started hanging out and one thing led to another and after about 7 months one told me I just couldn't help falling in love with you. And the other pushed me away but realized what he could be losing so stopped and things were great! But I never presured them. I just let things go. And I will tell you it was so hard not to because I was like i don't want to get more emotionally involved just to get hurt. But it was the chance I took cause I really liked them.
tiki Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 Are you putting out? I would hope he's your b/f if so. If not, he may be wanting his cake and eating it too. That's unacceptable in my eyes. No commitment = no sex for me.
puppybear Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 unsafe & tikibrandy: Thanks for your advice. Yes, I am sleeping with him (and I didn't sleep with him right away). But, I don't believe he is getting his cake and eating it, too. Because, I want to sleep with him, too. I used to think like you, Tikibrandy, but sometimes I'm in the mood and I know I won't feel guilty or have hangups about it. Most of my friends have given me the same advice as unsafe did. Just let it be if things are going great. I tend to overanalyze and think things through so much to the point that it drives me crazy and I become paranoid for no reason. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." One of my guy friends recently proposed to his gf of 3 years. He told me it took him 6 months before he felt he wanted to be committed to his gf...but she'd given him an ultimatum - either be her bf or good bye. He was also hesistant in meeting each other's parents. I'm not going to give my guy an ultimatum. Things are looking up so far. I've already met his parents and brother. They know we're seeing each other and they probably assume we're bf/gf already anyway. My guy's come a long way...it took him a while before we went from being called "friends" to "dating". Hopefully, his fear of committment will eventually disappear like it did my friend.
tiki Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 I just can't imagine having sex with a "friend". He'd better be a "boyfriend" if he thinks he's getting down my pants. I don't care how horny I am.
puppybear Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 He may not be labeled my boyfriend yet, and we're not just friends either. How short/long does it usually take before one is called their bf and you are sleeping with them? Even if the guy I'm dating said he was my bf after a couple of weeks or a month, it doesn't mean I'd sleep with him just because he is labeled my bf after that period of time. I didn't sleep with the guy I'm dating right away. And, when I said no, he did respected my wishes and was not aggressive about it.
SoleMate Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 Does this mean he wants to keep his options open or is he just afraid of the word "boyfriend"? Well, if you can't read his mind we probably can't either. But it IS clear to me that he does not want to have an acknowledged, exclusive relationship with you, but you do with him. If I were in your shoes, I would not feel that this was a tenable situation. Something has to change - either he can start admitting to friends and family that you two are an item, or you can pull back from him. Don't keep going on with a status quo that doesn't meet your needs, and then show up here five years down the road posting about how he still won't admit to being your boyfriend.
puppybear Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 Well, our mutual friends already know we're going out. His parents know we're going out. He probably doesn't know we're already bf/gf and his definition of "boyfriend" is probably closer to "husband". I'm definitely not ready for that. I'll see what happens in another month. If he doesn't accept me as his girlfriend, I'll have to end it then.
puppybear Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 Well, my patience has paid off! He finally said he's my boyfriend...to me and his friends/family this past weekend. I learned that thinking too much causes so much anxiety. Sometimes, we just need to R-E-L-A-X. Thanks for all your helpful advice!
Embee Posted September 8, 2004 Posted September 8, 2004 Please be careful my dear. Watch to see that the actions go with the words. Even if you think you have received what you've wanted, be alert and do not exuse away any behaviors from him that may indicate otherwise.
puppybear Posted September 9, 2004 Posted September 9, 2004 I'm safe. His actions in private and in public are honest and jive with his words. Thanks for your concern.
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