Is sex reason enough?

[u91746]

I have been married coming up on 21 years. We are friends, friendly and have a good family life. We have 2 kids, aged 14 and 11, who are doing very well and are happy. We both work, have great jobs, and rich extended families.

 

I'm unhappy, mostly because this really isn't a marriage so much as a partnership. We rarely have sex (a few times a year) and I am never satisfied. She is frequently too self-conscious to enjoy herself except when the kids are away (never) or I take her out of the house (rare). She won't travel with me and likes staying at home.

 

She thinks things are fine. She knows sex is one-sided, and struggles with that. There have been infidelities where I seek to fulfill that side of my life with others, but not often.

 

Leaving the kids and her right now would devastate the family. My daughter especially.

 

Is sex enough of a reason to leave a marriage?

[jf2good]

No Sex alone is not enough reason. However, I am concerned over the fact you said your marriage is a partnership, where is the love? Also you stated you have cheated, unless she is into an open marriage which sounds like she is not, that is a big issue.

 

I will always say denying sex will destroy any marriage and lead to other issues, aka infidelity. However, that alone is not enough reason to divorce. There have been many marriage with infidelity that have later turned into happy marriages.

 

If sex alone was the issue, just get an escort and relieve yourself. I really doubt that is the only issue.

[tojaz]

Is sex enough of a reason to leave a marriage?

Only person that can answer that would be you, sex is important, but if your family were to break up and you found yourself alone and single.... would it be the sex you missed most? Wasn't even in my top 5 and I'm a pretty big fan.

 

 

Leaving the kids and her right now would devastate the family. My daughter especially.

What would it do to you?

 

TOJAZ

[standtall]

Is sex enough of a reason to leave a marriage?

 

For most men, yes.

[tojaz]

For most men, yes.

 

Probably less then you would think

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm unhappy, mostly because this really isn't a marriage so much as a partnership. We rarely have sex (a few times a year) and I am never satisfied. She is frequently too self-conscious to enjoy herself except when the kids are away (never) or I take her out of the house (rare). She won't travel with me and likes staying at home.

Sex is just a symptom, a thermostat if you will, of a marital health. Your issue isn't lack of sex, it's the absence of context. You're not in the type of relationship where sex occurs.

 

Counseling is an obvious suggestion. Have you discussed it with her? Have you gone on your own? Only 3 ways for this to play out - you find peace with the current circumstances, she changes and engages in a real marriage or you divorce. All 3 are survivable, but you'll have to pick one...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HannahMariya]

Hi there

 

I came to see your letter by 'mistake'. I don't believe in mistakes...so I feel compelled to reply to you. Please please don't give up on your marriage!! However you both have to realise that you don't have a happy relationship...but actually a quite dysfuncional one. The good news is it can be cured. And when people make the effort to cure their marriage. They become better than ever and better than they could ever be with someone else! So please make the effort. Both of you have to learn completely new ways though. I am a relationship coach. The fact that you would destroy your daughter if you divource is as good a reason as any to stay together. If you would like to know more feel free to contact me. Sincerely yours HannahMariya

[Njeanne]

From what you have written, sex doesn't seem to be the only reason you want out. She doesn't like going out, or travel and you have to sit at home because she doesn't want to do anything at all...

 

Sex is not reason enough, but without communication it can lead to cheating, but since you are also having other problems with your wife then added up yes those are reasons enough because clearly you are unhappy and staying in a unhappy relationship is wrong.

 

I am sorry for your daughter...but...you it's your life too... Imo I see two options.

 

1) counseling, talk out your issues, difference and what has to change from her side.

 

2) talk to her again, communicate about everything you dislike and that you want her to be the woman you fell in love with. Tell her you are unhappy, snap her awake, if she starts crying and stuff, don't feel guilty it's not like you are breaking up with her yer.

 

Do not leave the relationship, without having talked to her once more and given her one more chance

[aMguilts]

was she as `giving` when you 1st got together?

 

Was sex great and was she up for it when you 1st started seeing each other?

 

Or did it just go to NOTHING as soon as you got married?

 

I KNOW your answer

and i`m sorry but thats what its like.

If it was non existant in the 1st place , why expect it to be any different after?

 

aM

p.s, if anything ..it gets better after marriage

[aMguilts]

Probably less then you would think

 

dunno what planet you are living on, but i`d say it`s a good enough reason,

We are driven by are urges.

We being men have an `urge` to stick our coc...

 

sorry, i`ll rephrase that

 

WE as male mammals have for some reason a `need` to reproduce as much as possible

Being `human` males( and as `humans meant to be the most `intelligent` of ALL life on this planet ) we should take whatevers given to us and let the rest of the whole world die as a consequence of our actions?

 

but i`ll agree with you tojaz

There`s not that many intelligent males left

not at least ones that dont scrape their knuckles on the ground as they walk

 

aM

[JamesM]

I have been married coming up on 21 years. We are friends, friendly and have a good family life. We have 2 kids, aged 14 and 11, who are doing very well and are happy. We both work, have great jobs, and rich extended families.

 

We have been married almost 23 years. We are friendly and have a good family life. We have four children. We both work and have great jobs.

 

You and I are similar. In fact, at 21 years of marriage, I could have written the identical paragraph (with two more kids). Mr Lucky and others know that I have written countless posts and threads about my once sexless marriage.

 

I'm unhappy, mostly because this really isn't a marriage so much as a partnership. We rarely have sex (a few times a year) and I am never satisfied.

 

BTDT and bought quite a few t-shirts. We were having sex two to five times a yea, and it was a duty on her part.

 

I endured this type of sexless marriage for the past ten years. I came here seven years ago because of a sexless marriage.

 

She is frequently too self-conscious to enjoy herself except when the kids are away (never) or I take her out of the house (rare). She won't travel with me and likes staying at home.

 

I call them all excuses. My wife's excuses were pain, kids, finances, weight, and on they go. When we began having sex more often (four months ago), then the same things existed but were no longer excuses or reason to avoid sex.

 

She thinks things are fine.

 

So said my wife, but she knew inside that they weren't. She just didn't know what was wrong. In fact, she thought we had a great relationship.

 

She knows sex is one-sided, and struggles with that.

 

As did my wife. She knew she should want sex for my sake. Yet she didn't try to fix the problem at all, so it became me trying to fix the problem.

 

There have been infidelities where I seek to fulfill that side of my life with others, but not often.

 

I can't quite relate, but my wife certainly thought that I had sex elsewhere and told me in so many words to get it elsewhere ( a title of a thread of mine.)

 

Question: does your wife know or suspect that you have cheated on her? I don't fault you. I totally understand. However, if your wife thinks you have or knows you did, then this WILL kill her libido.

 

Leaving the kids and her right now would devastate the family. My daughter especially.

 

Good. They need you.

 

Is sex enough of a reason to leave a marriage?

 

Maybe, but not in your case. Your marriage can be fixed if you determine to solve the problem.

 

In my case, the last four months have been adequately filled with sex. All I have ever asked for is mutually enjoyable sex once a week. For the past four months, I have been getting that every week almost. We have had sex ten times in the last almost four months. With our schedules, this is totally fine with me and it seems with her. It began with her saying okay but it would be quickies to her no longer wanting it for me but for her own orgasms...which she has had every time for most of them now.

 

So what do I think was our problem? Our relationship. Pure and simple. If you think you want to fix yours, then I will be glad to share what I did and what I think contributed to her change of attitude. No guarantees for you but it worked for me.

[aMguilts]

jamesM

 

 

i agree with a lot of what you have said and i admire you for not giving up on your marriage

but then again , you are a male

 

We are driven by an urge to reproduce, to spread our seed

life dictates `survival of the fitest`??

 

Not with humans

We are the dumbest species on the planet!

Life alas is now dictacted by bombs and guns.

 

aM

[JamesM]

jamesM

 

 

but then again , you are a male

 

We are driven by an urge to reproduce, to spread our seed

 

And here I thought my motivation was the commitment I made to my wife and family.

 

If I wanted to spread my seed, then I should be acquiring a harem of women.

 

My motivation was:

 

A love for my wife (even though often it was clouded by frustration and even anger).

 

A love for my children.

 

An attempt to honor the commitment I made on my wedding day.

 

And to a lesser degree.....

 

A sense of pride in succeeding.

 

A need to avoid the embarrassment of failure.

[aMguilts]

And here I thought my motivation was the commitment I made to my wife and family.

 

If I wanted to spread my seed, then I should be acquiring a harem of women.

 

My motivation was:

 

A love for my wife (even though often it was clouded by frustration and even anger).

 

A love for my children.

 

An attempt to honor the commitment I made on my wedding day.

 

And to a lesser degree.....

 

A sense of pride in succeeding.

 

A need to avoid the embarrassment of failure.

i agreed with you!!!

 

 

don`t raise your eyes at me!!

 

what worries me most?>

 

 

your still not happy are you?

 

aM

[standtall]

Probably less then you would think

 

I don't think so. This forum is not posted to by the person who would be considered "most men"...the touchy feely, beta types are typical here. The men divorcing their wives over lack of sex are not licking their wounds and weeping on an online forum, they are out getting the sex they are lacking.

[tojaz]

dunno what planet you are living on, but i`d say it`s a good enough reason,

We are driven by are urges.

We being men have an `urge` to stick our coc...

 

sorry, i`ll rephrase that

 

WE as male mammals have for some reason a `need` to reproduce as much as possible

Being `human` males( and as `humans meant to be the most `intelligent` of ALL life on this planet ) we should take whatevers given to us and let the rest of the whole world die as a consequence of our actions?

 

but i`ll agree with you tojaz

There`s not that many intelligent males left

not at least ones that dont scrape their knuckles on the ground as they walk

 

aM

 

I get the "urge" to do a lot of things, doesn't mean I run out the door and do them. If I did I would be coked out of my head and neck deep in a pile of hookers.....or to rephrase that, Charlie Sheen.

 

That would even be fun for awhile, but it doesn't lead to a very satisfying or fulfilling life in the long run. If that's ok for you, to each his own, but I expect better from myself and I think most men do extend beyond stereotypical skirt chasers being only driven by their urges.

 

I don't think so. This forum is not posted to by the person who would be considered "most men"...the touchy feely, beta types are typical here. The men divorcing their wives over lack of sex are not licking their wounds and weeping on an online forum, they are out getting the sex they are lacking.

 

I disagree, I think most of the men on this forum are just average men who are going through extraordinary circumstances. There are obviously extremes on both sides of the spectrum, but I think the vast majority, while possibly leaning one way or the other, fall somewhere in the middle, and most of the men you would label an Alpha in the garage, bar, or bedroom can quite likely be the same guy you label a Beta here.

 

TOJAZ

[Nyla]

I have been married coming up on 21 years. We are friends, friendly and have a good family life. We have 2 kids, aged 14 and 11, who are doing very well and are happy. We both work, have great jobs, and rich extended families.

 

I'm unhappy, mostly because this really isn't a marriage so much as a partnership. We rarely have sex (a few times a year) and I am never satisfied. She is frequently too self-conscious to enjoy herself except when the kids are away (never) or I take her out of the house (rare). She won't travel with me and likes staying at home.

 

She thinks things are fine. She knows sex is one-sided, and struggles with that. There have been infidelities where I seek to fulfill that side of my life with others, but not often.

 

Leaving the kids and her right now would devastate the family. My daughter especially.

 

Is sex enough of a reason to leave a marriage?

 

You alone have to live your truth, not anyone else.

 

Consider that it would have been much more noble to divorce than to cheat.

 

Why have you not told your wife that you are unhappy? She should not "think things are fine" when that is not the case.

 

Were the two of you this incompatible before marriage?

 

I think sex is reason enough to leave a marriage because without lovemaking, a married couple is nothing more than a pair of roommates. People diminish the importance of sex because that is the PC way of thinking, but when sex is a problem it can eclipse the good parts of a marriage. People who do not want sex should not get married. If sexual problems cannot be worked through and cheating is occurring because of lack of sex or bad sex, what does that do to a marriage?

 

Work with your wife on the sexual/relationship issues if she is unwilling to be intimate with you. If you ultimately decide to divorce, at least you know that you tried your best.

[aMguilts]

I get the "urge" to do a lot of things, doesn't mean I run out the door and do them. If I did I would be coked out of my head and neck deep in a pile of hookers.....or to rephrase that, Charlie Sheen.

 

That would even be fun for awhile, but it doesn't lead to a very satisfying or fulfilling life in the long run. If that's ok for you, to each his own, but I expect better from myself and I think most men do extend beyond stereotypical skirt chasers being only driven by their urges.

 

 

 

I disagree, I think most of the men on this forum are just average men who are going through extraordinary circumstances. There are obviously extremes on both sides of the spectrum, but I think the vast majority, while possibly leaning one way or the other, fall somewhere in the middle, and most of the men you would label an Alpha in the garage, bar, or bedroom can quite likely be the same guy you label a Beta here.

 

TOJAZ

 

extraordinary circumstances????

like what?

 

i reckon i`m an `average guy` that is just trying to live day by day

i don`t `label` any other guy or in fact girl ANYTHING on here??

 

if i have done , i apologise

 

define extraordinary circumstances for me?

 

so i can either laugh my a ** of at it...... or say oh

you meant THOSE extraordinary circumstances!!!!!!

 

i never have done and never will `lable` anyone... have I ?

 

aM

Edited February 19, 2013 by aMguilts

[aMguilts]

i think you really need to reply to stan8888`s remark before you get in the ring with me

aM

[tojaz]

i think you really need to reply to stan8888`s remark before you get in the ring with me

aM

 

In the ring??? :laugh::laugh::laugh: Sorry, I don't take this as a game, or a way to stroke my ego, but if you want to direct me to Stan8888 thread or post I'll be more then happy to reply.

 

extraordinary circumstances????

like what?

 

i reckon i`m an `average guy` that is just trying to live day by day

i don`t `label` any other guy or in fact girl ANYTHING on here??

 

if i have done , i apologise

 

define extraordinary circumstances for me?

 

so i can either laugh my a ** of at it...... or say oh

you meant THOSE extraordinary circumstances!!!!!!

 

Well since we are in the Separation/Divorce forum, context would dictate that I am most likely referring to a separation or possibly a divorce. Unless you consider those routine circumstances.

 

i never have done and never will `lable` anyone... have I ?

 

Haven't found a place where I had implied that you had.

 

TOJAZ

[JamesM]

i agreed with you!!!

 

 

don`t raise your eyes at me!!

 

I didn't. I laughed out loud.

 

 

 

 

what worries me most?>

 

Don't worry. Be happy.

 

 

your still not happy are you?

 

aM

 

Yes, I am. Happier than I have been in years.

[adelia]

I can definitely relate...

I've asked myself this question countless times and what I've come up with is there is no clear answer for me. At this point in time it's more focusing on my daughter who is young and I feel needs her family together but when she's a young adult that answer will change I'm pretty sure. It will be my time to reflect on what my needs are as well as the marriage and how strong it is.

[D-Lish]

Regardless of why you are unhappy- it's reason to leave the marriage if you've tried to make it right and you're not getting co-operation or a resolution.

[Eggplant]

Does your wife understand that you are so unhappy that you want a divorce? If she values the marriage, she will make an effort, at least try, I'd imagine...

[adelia]

Does your wife understand that you are so unhappy that you want a divorce? If she values the marriage, she will make an effort, at least try, I'd imagine...

 

In my case I have expressed to him so many times how unhappy I am and unfulfilled sexually even offering up ways to improve things. But he never does try only offering excuses.