Did couples therapy work for anyone?

[dichotomy]

I would love to hear some positive stories of therapy working in a marriage.

[dazednveryconfused]

My wife and I have been going for the last year, and I think it has helped some aspects of our relationship, but there are still some issues that have not been resolved. the biggest thing I learned is that you have to keep putting the effort into the relationship, part of me thought by going to therapy they would magically fix our relationship.

[Thegameoflife]

Therapists give a structured environment to bring out your issues and create strategies. You and your partner will have to bring up the issues, and carry out the strategies. Couples therapists are really more for people where communication has broken down, and need a coach. If you can discuss things with your spouse in a calm manor, where discussion isn't inhibited, you're likely to see no real change with a therapist.

[dichotomy]

Thanks all.

 

We used a normal marriage therapist a while ago, with some good, but limited results. The therapist was a bit passive I felt.

 

We recently started up with a marriage therapist who also is certified as a sex therapist. Totally different experience. This one is very directive, "I want you to try this and that, and not do or say this or that, then come back in a week and discuss how it worked out". I like this approach, and I am willing to take directions if it may help. I think my wife does not like this approach so much (directions and actions), but it does remove the power struggle because with us, because the directions/suggestions come from a female professional ....and not from me. I think this is gong to be a make or break result for some things in our marriage.

Edited February 27, 2013 by dichotomy

[carhill]

You could address the 'power struggle' choices in MC.

 

IMO, having been through it for over a year, MC appeared to be efficacious for clarifying marital and personal issues and providing tools for more direct and clear communication between the spouses, this presuming the couple wanted the process to improve such matters.

 

In our case, it clarified why we should divorce, and we did so, amicably. For another couple, it might very well promote a new and healthier union. Therapy, like life, is a mixed bag.

 

One aspect I would advise on is not 'settling' for a MC. If it doesn't feel like a good fit, get a referral or discontinue without prejudice and seek a new MC. Healthy 'fit' is important IMO.

[dichotomy]

Carhill,

 

Sad that the MC brought you to that conclusion - but I am glad it was done in as healthy a way as possible.

 

I think sex is an after thought for many conventional marriage therapists. They simply feel if you can build feelings or communication - sex will come.

Many of the posts here on LS, involve sexual issues and incompatibility..with no easy answer why the change happened.

 

I am pleased to have found a female MC with the additional sexual therapy certification. She appears to be aggressive in giving directions and repairing or rebuilding both the emotional/communications/trust issues we have and the sexual declines we have .. at the same time. They are intertwined but separate. I also think that by addressing both actively - we may get to the bottom of things (one way or another) quicker.

 

 

P.S. about your picture - I remember that star trek episode very well.

Edited February 27, 2013 by dichotomy

[Feelin Frisky]

Didn't work for me. My ex had serious BPD and it was like putting a band-aid on a shotgun wound.

[dichotomy]

Didn't work for me. My ex had serious BPD and it was like putting a band-aid on a shotgun wound.

 

I am sorry. Did she have this diagnosis of a personality disorder before the MC ? Or did it come out as part of MC?

[Feelin Frisky]

I am sorry. Did she have this diagnosis of a personality disorder before the MC ? Or did it come out as part of MC?

 

I only figured it out after we broke up and I put myself in therapy (for the first time in my life). All during the two years we were together we had extreme peeks and low valleys. And the valleys came suddenly and harshly just after the peeks which made me feel betrayed both by her and myself for taking her back. Her family knew something but they didn't say anything. I even asked to see her mom for lunch one day and her mother told me that I was exactly repeating what she had witnessed of her daughter's first marriage which ended in divorce a year before I started seeing her. I didn't even know what BPD was but knew that she had a very real "complex" where she couldn't trust, acted out, and then would try to avoid responsibility for the hurt so much so that she escaped into sub-identities (some child-like, some butch masculine which disgusted me). I found out the hard way that it was absolutely hopeless. But she was so sexy and hot generally that I kept false hope we'd learn the formula. It was buried too far in her psyche. My tendency to be logical is what worked against me and I needed a shrink to find my way.

[carhill]

I think sex is an after thought for many conventional marriage therapists. They simply feel if you can build feelings or communication - sex will come.

 

That's a good point. Though sex was never a front-row issue in our M, I did notice myself desiring it less as a result of the emotional/spiritual gulf growing. However, during the therapy process, when we had periods of mutual progress towards healthier intimacy in general, I noted sexual desire in myself to grow markedly. I think, in retrospect, the most relevant lesson about the therapy timeline was to, in the future, seek it more immediately when substantive issues arise. It's kinda like the person who feels something is wrong with their body, but doesn't get to the doctor, and later finds out they have a stage 4 cancer. Caught earlier, the odds of healthy survival are greater. I waited too long.

[dichotomy]

Sex is most certainly front and center - but sex is also tied to so many other things. Too complicated to explain our issues - but there are some shared common issues for us that have been posted by others here on LS.

 

What I find interesting in switching from a normal marriage therapist to a marriage therapist who is also a sex therapist - was that the advice/assignments given by this new therapist included the typical things like affirmation and communication changes - but also sexual assignments - mind set,frequency and even the general type of sex. That's a new approach to MC, and as you might imagine, very welcome to my side. The therapist is very engaged and wants to check our "homework" assignments at each session. We will see how this kind of dual approach works out.