My GF told me I "deserve better".

[truth_seeker]

When someone offers up a line such as "you deserve better" it's a tactic to get you to leave. They do not have the courage nor the character to be honest and tell you they want out. Instead, they try reverse psychology so you will think it's the proverbial "It's me not you" so they don't hurt your feelings and you get out of their life.

[iKING]

Hey man, I'd love some more advice on the situation... I posted a much longer post on reddit: Trying to Discern Where I [24m] or she [23f] Went Wrong in my Last Relationship : relationships and got some interesting replies. One of them being that I was expecting too much out of my ex... do you think that's true? I did put a lot more detail about the relationship on there, so I'm not sure anymore. I just keep going over this over and over and over again, and I'm such a mess right now. I actually made a mistake and texted her this morning, and told her I'd like to talk to her later. I'm not so sure this was a good idea anymore. I might call her still or just not speak to her, I don't know. I'm just so confused. If I was wrong and I shouldn't have broken up with her, should I try again? I'm so lost

 

Alright let's look at this one rationally, as I know it can be hard to do being in the situation with feelings heavily involved in decision making.

 

Getting upset about her getting drunk with a friend at her place late into the night may have been expecting too much. This is something to avoid in future relationships. You don't want to try to put too many limits on what a girl can and can't do with her female friends. Even male friends in reasonable circumstances. But especially female friends. This is her support system. They will be there for her when crap hits the fan, just like guys are there for their guy friends when their crap hits the fan. Had you two been together long enough, you might have been able to assume that role over time, but that simply wasn't the case.

 

Her friend is a highly sketched-out situation. "Cassy" as you call her. She was torn between her best friend and her boyfriend, and really had no idea which to side with entirely. As the roles were reversed (you finding out about the cheating and alerting the other party involved), you stuck to your friend over her, so you can understand why she did something similar. Granted, the situation, being that she cheated, is a completely different issue to the one between you two. It's difficult and slightly unfair to be in a situation where you have to choose either your best friend or your boyfriend/girlfriend, but it happens.

 

Feeling betrayed by her not standing up for you is reasonable, as it is an attack on her character as well, but again, we arise on the issue of the long-term friendship (and possibly otherwise) they share. This applies to the lying to you and changing her story factors as well.

 

If you are to try to get back with her, this isn't going to change, and odds are you're going to be causing yourself more hurt then It's worth. The situation is already in shambles and it would take a great deal of effort to try to mend it, even at which point, it may still not work at all with there being a very rocky foundation.

 

My advice? Chalk this one up to a learning experience and move on. I hate to say it, I do, but the chances of this working out to be a healthy relationship should you choose to try to re-establish it are not in your favor.

 

In your thread on reddit, this was straight forward advice as to what to do.

 

"You were just the boyfriend on the side--you had hardly any history together. Just ... move on. If your relationship was longer, or you and Leslie had a long, preexisting friendship together, it might be different, but you don't, so it's not."

 

Keep your chin up Drake, this isn't the end of you. You can find someone else who will take care of that big heart of yours and I'm confident that you will should you choose to.

 

Take a deep breath and remember every day is a fresh start.

[dasein]

Didn't read whole thread. The response to that, no matter if you actually break up or not, is -always- "You're probably right. Do you intend to do anything about it?"

[drakewrites]

Alright let's look at this one rationally, as I know it can be hard to do being in the situation with feelings heavily involved in decision making.

 

Getting upset about her getting drunk with a friend at her place late into the night may have been expecting too much. This is something to avoid in future relationships. You don't want to try to put too many limits on what a girl can and can't do with her female friends. Even male friends in reasonable circumstances. But especially female friends. This is her support system. They will be there for her when crap hits the fan, just like guys are there for their guy friends when their crap hits the fan. Had you two been together long enough, you might have been able to assume that role over time, but that simply wasn't the case.

 

Her friend is a highly sketched-out situation. "Cassy" as you call her. She was torn between her best friend and her boyfriend, and really had no idea which to side with entirely. As the roles were reversed (you finding out about the cheating and alerting the other party involved), you stuck to your friend over her, so you can understand why she did something similar. Granted, the situation, being that she cheated, is a completely different issue to the one between you two. It's difficult and slightly unfair to be in a situation where you have to choose either your best friend or your boyfriend/girlfriend, but it happens.

 

Feeling betrayed by her not standing up for you is reasonable, as it is an attack on her character as well, but again, we arise on the issue of the long-term friendship (and possibly otherwise) they share. This applies to the lying to you and changing her story factors as well.

 

If you are to try to get back with her, this isn't going to change, and odds are you're going to be causing yourself more hurt then It's worth. The situation is already in shambles and it would take a great deal of effort to try to mend it, even at which point, it may still not work at all with there being a very rocky foundation.

 

My advice? Chalk this one up to a learning experience and move on. I hate to say it, I do, but the chances of this working out to be a healthy relationship should you choose to try to re-establish it are not in your favor.

 

In your thread on reddit, this was straight forward advice as to what to do.

 

"You were just the boyfriend on the side--you had hardly any history together. Just ... move on. If your relationship was longer, or you and Leslie had a long, preexisting friendship together, it might be different, but you don't, so it's not."

 

Keep your chin up Drake, this isn't the end of you. You can find someone else who will take care of that big heart of yours and I'm confident that you will should you choose to.

 

Take a deep breath and remember every day is a fresh start.

 

Wow man thanks. How are you so smart about this relationship stuff? Thank you SO much. You're right, I over-reacted about the drinking thing / staying out late. I guess it wasn't un-reasonable to hope that she would take a stand for me, like you say, but at the same time I can see why she didn't; because of her long-standing relationship with Cassy. And you're right, even if we did somehow make it work, things wouldn't change with her and her friend. She would be completely loyal to her no matter what, she's already proven that time and time again.

 

I talked to her on and off today, and I was a total wreck. I guess because I didn't know what I wanted, honestly, and how I should feel about stuff. There are so many things here that I was confused about. The lying, the closeness to her friend, the loyalty, the "did I cause this" stuff... all of it was all strewn about in my head but you have a great way of putting everything in order. I know you're just some random person living in the world and you have no idea who I am, but I am truly thankful for not just this reply, but all of your replies. You truly have a way with bringing to light the important things.

 

I asked her to come see me tomorrow, but after reading this I realized that it's probably best we don't. I think I'll let her know this tomorrow. I wish I would have waited just one more day without talking to her, but alas, it's too late.

 

I did find something interesting out, though. While we were broken up, I took a girl out that is a friend of mine out. This girl is a #1 in my book; likes to read, wears cute clothes, super beautiful, and interested in my books! A lot of things my ex didn't have. Unfortunately, the girl just broke up with a guy she's been with for two years, and wants her independence.

 

The girl doesn't / interested in me right now, and my ex found out I took her out on a date. (Damn Twitter). It was just a date, and nothing happened, and it was after we broke up, but she told me that if she wasn't still into her ex, that I would probably like her. I didn't know what to say. The truth is, is that yes, I WOULD prefer her to my ex. I have a high standard in girls, not just looks, but I want someone that reads, is supportive, kind, loving, etc, and the truth is, is that I WOULD rather be with her than my ex. Once I realized this, it also kind of dawned on me that perhaps the reason I've been going over this SO MUCH about my ex is because I'm trying to rationally justify why being with second best is okay. There's all the other stuff too, but do you think that one should go after the girl of their dreams? The person they always envisioned? Or is that silly?

[drakewrites]

Alright let's look at this one rationally, as I know it can be hard to do being in the situation with feelings heavily involved in decision making.

 

Getting upset about her getting drunk with a friend at her place late into the night may have been expecting too much. This is something to avoid in future relationships. You don't want to try to put too many limits on what a girl can and can't do with her female friends. Even male friends in reasonable circumstances. But especially female friends. This is her support system. They will be there for her when crap hits the fan, just like guys are there for their guy friends when their crap hits the fan. Had you two been together long enough, you might have been able to assume that role over time, but that simply wasn't the case.

 

Her friend is a highly sketched-out situation. "Cassy" as you call her. She was torn between her best friend and her boyfriend, and really had no idea which to side with entirely. As the roles were reversed (you finding out about the cheating and alerting the other party involved), you stuck to your friend over her, so you can understand why she did something similar. Granted, the situation, being that she cheated, is a completely different issue to the one between you two. It's difficult and slightly unfair to be in a situation where you have to choose either your best friend or your boyfriend/girlfriend, but it happens.

 

Feeling betrayed by her not standing up for you is reasonable, as it is an attack on her character as well, but again, we arise on the issue of the long-term friendship (and possibly otherwise) they share. This applies to the lying to you and changing her story factors as well.

 

If you are to try to get back with her, this isn't going to change, and odds are you're going to be causing yourself more hurt then It's worth. The situation is already in shambles and it would take a great deal of effort to try to mend it, even at which point, it may still not work at all with there being a very rocky foundation.

 

My advice? Chalk this one up to a learning experience and move on. I hate to say it, I do, but the chances of this working out to be a healthy relationship should you choose to try to re-establish it are not in your favor.

 

In your thread on reddit, this was straight forward advice as to what to do.

 

"You were just the boyfriend on the side--you had hardly any history together. Just ... move on. If your relationship was longer, or you and Leslie had a long, preexisting friendship together, it might be different, but you don't, so it's not."

 

Keep your chin up Drake, this isn't the end of you. You can find someone else who will take care of that big heart of yours and I'm confident that you will should you choose to.

 

Take a deep breath and remember every day is a fresh start.

 

When you say that line that, "This isn't going to change..." What exactly do you mean? Their friendship? That she might lie to me on her behalf? Etc?