BrokenHeartedSavior Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Hi all, There are so many people here who feel EXACTLY as I do, I have read so much, and its a place of comfort knowing I'm not alone. It's been 9 months post breakup from her, we'd been together for EIGHT YEARS! And all I ever heard was "I'm nothing more than your girlfriend" So last year (tax season) I blew every dime I had on the engagement ring of her dreams. And I mean I blew it ALL (near 8K) I won't bore you with a longer story, just to say ultimately she dumped me AFTER LOOKING FOR EVERY EXCUSE FOR SOMETHING I WAS DOING WRONG= Shes a borderline personality. I was certainly not perfect, but loved her until it ended. Yes, i ultimately cheated- but only because i couldn't stand the rejection after eight years! I'll own that, and move on. But as F$&&k'd up as it is, NINE MONTHS later, I'm still missing her. Its so stupid since I know she's got/has had someone new, is obviously happy, and does not think or dream about me. I have just started back at the gym, but still deeply depressed. I find more comfort in vodka and sad music- meanwhile the smarter part of me knows DAMN WELL that shes tossing around in bed with another guy. I'm fortunate, in that I've had a few other people flirt with me, but I'm just not "there" yet. I'm not ready for anything more than socializing. Again: STUPID because I'm losing out! Meanwhile she's "gettin' it all!!!!" Well, just after VDAY I finally had the courage to delete every pic, text, email, email address, phone number----- EVERYTHING I HAD. She is not coming back. I need to convince myself that all my life improvements are not to "get her back". Yet are truly for me to move on. Have been NC with her for about a month - after all my PATHETIC begging. I have the pup we shared- its the last time she contacted me. Want to say THANK YOU TO Tara, and MANY MANY people on this board who informed me that I'M NOT ALONE!! I'm staying NC, and want to get to the point where I can accept, and enjoy other peoples advances! 2
TaraMaiden Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 (edited) I read something yesterday on the internet, that struck a chord.... Basically it said that when you're in true Emotional Pain, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so. After that, it's self-inflicted. A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact: That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them... They were missing the point. If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time. Any prolongation of that pain, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain. So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.' I've said this before. Heck, I think I said as much yesterday, to someone.... Yeah... Here it is: This is the problem with situations like this: Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there".... They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references.... The trick is to not start rolling the snowball. Pick it up and throw it, and move on. You were together a long time. And it takes time to 'get over' a relationship of that kind. But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'. Pain is valid. Emotions are valid. They deserve to be honoured. But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty. Edited February 17, 2013 by TaraMaiden Added link. Emotional pain lasts 12 minutes. Google it. 3
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