swimswithjeans Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 J and I have been dating for a couple of months. He is significantly older (~16 years) than I, and I haven't a problem with that. Currently, he is in the middle of a divorce; he was with this woman for 10 years and is 8 months out of the marriage. He seems to be in a solid place. At the time we began dating, he had already been on a few dates (after the end of his marriage, that is). Luckily, he has no children, nothing really tying him to her. We CLEARLY have an intense connection. I am so flattered by his clear desire to look out for me. He makes an effort to contact me every day, he says goodnight, he likes me very much and I like him just as much. We haven't had "the talk" yet but it is clear to me he isn't currently seeing anyone else; nor am I. Here is the issue: he doesn't seem to have or make a lot of time for me. We are both TRULY busy, but if it were 1 AM and he were up to see me, I would be there in a heartbeat. Being tired is not a valid excuse in my mind to not see someone you really want to see; if you're tired, then nap together is the way that my mind thinks about it. I have had a couple of really difficult days the past couple of weeks, and though he has expressed a desire to be with me or help me through things via being physically present, he has not followed through with this. Perhaps it is just because I am a woman, but if the situation were reversed, I would have tried to make it to him by any means possible. He always says he wants to see me... But it only ends up happening about twice/week and for not much longer than 3 hours. I truly do not want to be greedy; I do not want to ask him for more than he can give me because I feel our connection is incredible and I don't want to push him away. I also do not want to seem immature. I am wondering if our lack of time together is due to the novelty of our relationship, his inability or lack of desire to commit to a relationship, our difference in perspectives because of my age, or something else. Last night we were on the phone and he said that he wants to spend more time with me and wishes that he could. He said he wishes he could give me 120% but can't... He said he could give me 95% and said "But you're okay with that, right?" I really don't know if I am. He told me he wants to make sure I am safe and happy and okay all the time; but how can he do that? It seems like he is only able to be here on HIS schedule and is never really able to make plans more than 18 hours in advance. I specifically asked him for help (aka to come over) twice in the past week; neither of which he was able to follow thru on for no other reason than he said he was 'pooped.' This really concerns me, especially since I never really ask for help and that was a big step for me. I find myself waiting by the phone and I hate being that girl. He really does have a lot going on in his life right now and I want to be understanding but also want to have my needs met and never get to a point with him where I become passive aggressive. I know that, as with everything, there is a give and a take, but any opinions on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated. I like him so much... I feel so safe with him... It's worth at least a bit of a fight, but I don't want to lose myself or my independence. Thanks so much, C
RebelWithoutACause Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 What line of work is he in? "Busy", "tired" are usually excuses if they are being used over and over again. Bottom line is, you're not getting what you want. You can confront him about it but he's recently come out of a long marriage. I doubt he'll be willing to get right back into a serious relationship. Which is probably what you want.
todreaminblue Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 To m eif you really love someone you try to make ti work you make sacrifices for the greater good....in this case a strong relationship, with sacrifice there should be compromise on both sides.....and mutually supportive partners want there to be mutual satisfaction.....says me....with two failed relationships...the fact I was a supportive partner who went without support myself......i wasn't perfect im schizo affective so yes not perfect......the relationship failed because there wasn't balance and mutual understanding and communication....and deceit is killer....you have to be open and honest willing to make sacrifices and compromise.....mutually.be on the same page where you want the relationship to go and progress.......deb
oldschool1 Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Sorry that you're frustrated. A couple of thoughts: -Remember that he's older than you are and might tire more easily at night. -His lack of time/effort might be related to his divorce or the newness of your relationship, but it might not. It's hard to know. -It is possible (but not certain) that you two have different expectations in this relationship. Formally discussing exclusivity and future desires might help you clarify your positions. -His inability or refusal to give you less than 100% was meaningful. It sounds like he was saying "you deserve better," which is usually code for "I am not going to give you what you want." But, I could be wrong. He might be slow to trust... Questions: -Are you inventing reasons for him to come over, or are you truly in need of him? -Has he told you he loves you or shown any interest in commitment? -Why is it that you feel safe with him when he doesn't seem to be around enough? Do you attribute this to his relative seniority, is he big and strong, or is he reliable? It might be helpful to dissect your rationale here. Hope this is somewhat helpful!
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