Tenacity Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 (edited) This was something I had decided I was never going to post, because it makes me look the ultimate in stupid, and it's something that has been bothering me a lot lately, from the ashes that resulted from the destruction of my affair. I think it's something I need to admit though, and I keep telling myself that I need to accept it as being part of my stupidity but it is a bitter pill to swallow. I have decided not to beat myself up too much about it though, as I have my life now and money isn't what it's all about, and to just forget it and move on. Still... Over the course of the A, I lent him money. As in, a lot of money. As in (after I totaled it all recently) somewhere north of $40,000. In cash. In several installments over the course of the years. He was out of a job and I felt bad for him at the time. I didn't want he or his family to suffer. Even after we broke up and were trying to be "friends", I lent him money. He never asked for it (not literally); I always offered it. But in hindsight, he manipulated the situation and my emotions by telling me of his grief and suffering, etc, and he knew I would offer. I am not destitute. I am a physician but still, $40k is a lot of money to me. I am divorced and raising three teenagers. I worked mostly in the VA system, so I was not a high paid physician. He has a high school education and didn't really work very hard to find a job. He was picky - only wanted a high-paying good job. The last I heard he was still unemployed. At the time I tried to justify it to myself because I didn't want him or his W or family to lose their home. And they haven't - because of me. But I know I won't see a dime of that money again - can't get blood from a stone. It's my fault, as I knew that going in. My heart was in it, though, and I kept thinking that I needed to be good to someone who I cared about who was going through a hard time, and needed the money more than I did. Now it just makes me sick that I did it. The only thing I know to do at this point is to let go of it, though. Edited February 17, 2013 by Tenacity
LFH Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Th Over the course of the A, I lent him money. As in, a lot of money. As in (after I totaled it all recently) somewhere north of $40,000. In cash. In several installments over the course of the years. He was out of a job and I felt bad for him at the time. I didn't want he or his family to suffer. Even after we broke up and were trying to be "friends", I lent him money. He never asked for it (not literally); I always offered it. But in hindsight, he manipulated the situation and my emotions by telling me of his grief and suffering, etc, and he knew I would offer. I am not destitute. I am a physician but still, $40k is a lot of money to me. I am divorced and raising three teenagers. I worked mostly in the VA system, so I was not a high paid physician. He has a high school education and didn't really work very hard to find a job. He was picky - only wanted a high-paying good job. The last I heard he was still unemployed. At the time I tried to justify it to myself because I didn't want him or his W or family to lose their home. And they haven't - because of me. But I know I won't see a dime of that money again - can't get blood from a stone. It's my fault, as I knew that going in. My heart was in it, though, and I kept thinking that I needed to be good to someone who I cared about who was going through a hard time, and needed the money more than I did. Now it just makes me sick that I did it. The only thing I know to do at this point is to let go of it, though. Please don't feel stupid. I understand why you did it and it doesn't mean you were stupid, it means you honestly wanted good things for someone you cared about. That says GOOD things about you. I give too much to everyone, not just him. I've regretted giving to others in the past so I can relate to that. I won't tell you how much I've willingly shared with him, but it's similiar ballpark and financially he (and they) will come up dramatically ahead of where they'd be otherwise because of it. I don't regret giving him a dime of it, but I have wondered if I'd feel differently if things changed. I gave it, I never expected to see a dime of it back, I never do and I'd certainly not ask for it back, but I can see why it would weigh on you. 3
Catplates Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Hello Tenacity, You did what you did out of love and the goodness that is in your heart. It's a shame you gave it to such a conniving Ahole. It must make you mad that although you helped him, he still hasn't found employment. Well, live and learn. I gave xMM a very fine handcrafted stockman's whip which he had expressed a desire to have. It was made by a master of the trade and cost me a bomb. I bought him beautiful gifts from all over the world, from everyplace I travelled. I also paid for a holiday together once when he couldn't afford it. I feel pretty dumb now. I was falling over my feet to give him lovely things that he couldn't afford himself. He must have though he had found the ultimate cash cow!! I never gave him cash though. I do not want any of it back. I gave it with love . It would be beneath my dignity to ask for it back... that would mean contacting him again and that is never going to happen. Reflect on it Tenacity , but not too much. It's in the past, just like he is. YOu are movin on. Cat.
OpenBook Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Well, you certainly blow one commonly-held theory (OW's hooking into MM for financial support) clear out of the water! Yes, I believe that was one big red flag you should've paid attention to. But woulda-shoulda-coulda. Life's full of 'em. I agree with you about letting it go. It's just money. Not important in the grand scheme of things. It's what we do with it that counts. Like other posters said above me, you gave it in love. No shame there, in my book. But I wouldn't repeat that mistake in the future! You'll get every shyster within a 1,000-mile radius trying to shake you down. 1
waterwoman Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Ultimate in stupid? No! A generous open-hearted woman who gave where she loved. The fact that he didn't deserve your love or your gift doesn't diminish you for giving it x I am happy to admit I would rather be a sucker than a cynic. So far, apart from H's brief affair, I have done ok living my life that way. Chin up lovely x 1
egalew Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Looking back on my relationship with the ex-MM and other men, I too am shocked at the things I did, though never money. Years ago, I helped a lover (single guy) with his stupid business, working endless hours for free. I learned my lesson and moving forward was much more guarded about my time, resources, etc. That said, it didn't stop men from asking. One asked me to sign on an apartment for him. (I didn't.) I am sure your ex-MM never asked directly. However, these guys are pretty manipulative and on some level prey on our kindness. My heart goes out to you. Take it as a lesson and move on. I do have one question though and I'm not trying to be mean. What does a doctor have in common with someone with just a high school education? What was the bond? Attraction?
beenburned Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Tenacity, Thank you for helping our Veterans! My Dad would have died if it wasn't for all the treatment he received at an out of state VA hospital! They were excellent!! As for the money, we live and learn. During my D's divorce, she was awarded half of all her XH spent wineing, dining, buying cars, a condo, jewelry, and lots more for his two OW(both 4 year affairs) After the hidden loans, maxed out credit cards, he started stealing from her personal accounts to finance his affairs. I'm glad he got what was coming to him! 1
Survivor12 Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Think of it as the cost of "tuition" to the University of Life for your degree in "The Anatomy of EM Relationships & Reasons to Avoid Them". 2
Got it Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Tenacity, Ugh, I understand and know that fine line one walks. My dad always said that you can't lend money to friends and family; its a gift that you can't expect repayment. I too make a good income so little of our affair was based on him spending money. We used points, my money, etc. as I recognized that he was the main breadwinner of his household and his money was allotted that way. It wasn't until the divorce and now where I continue to support him/them. Because of my income he was able to agree to a very high alimony and child support than what the law requires. He now pays both until the kids are into adulthood. He does it because he wants to and because it helps the kids. His ex wife has never worked more than part time, he kept pushing her to work full time during their marriage and she finally admitted during the divorce she was never going to; it wasn't her plan. Since the affair and beyond, I have paid for trips, bills, and monies towards the kids and the ex wife. I do it because if the kids are happy he is happy and if she is happy the kids are happy. That was my dad's philosophy after my parents divorce and I agree with it. While their relationship has become very acrimonious since the divorce and he refuses to pay her anything additional I know that I will continue to do so. I think it is the right thing to do and it is something that I am comfortable doing. She is just another dependent is my philosophy. It is what it is. I have tried to tread lightly on what decisions I make that I will later regret and the money is one I have thought heavily on. I am very quick to say " I can help" and not always think about what is best for me as well and end up overextending myself. I have worked very hard and slow down, not answer right away, and find peace with whatever decision I choose and be okay with it. Tenacity, you were very caring and went over and beyond. That speaks to your heart. 2
promises Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I thought of that, too, Got It. xMM W, works minimally and I believe that has always been her plan. He makes significantly less than I do. I say that with the realization that I would have been supporting all of them. It is how it should be.
Lostinlife4now Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 This was something I had decided I was never going to post, because it makes me look the ultimate in stupid, and it's something that has been bothering me a lot lately, from the ashes that resulted from the destruction of my affair. I think it's something I need to admit though, and I keep telling myself that I need to accept it as being part of my stupidity but it is a bitter pill to swallow. I have decided not to beat myself up too much about it though, as I have my life now and money isn't what it's all about, and to just forget it and move on. Still... Over the course of the A, I lent him money. As in, a lot of money. As in (after I totaled it all recently) somewhere north of $40,000. In cash. In several installments over the course of the years. He was out of a job and I felt bad for him at the time. I didn't want he or his family to suffer. Even after we broke up and were trying to be "friends", I lent him money. He never asked for it (not literally); I always offered it. But in hindsight, he manipulated the situation and my emotions by telling me of his grief and suffering, etc, and he knew I would offer. I am not destitute. I am a physician but still, $40k is a lot of money to me. I am divorced and raising three teenagers. I worked mostly in the VA system, so I was not a high paid physician. He has a high school education and didn't really work very hard to find a job. He was picky - only wanted a high-paying good job. The last I heard he was still unemployed. At the time I tried to justify it to myself because I didn't want him or his W or family to lose their home. And they haven't - because of me. But I know I won't see a dime of that money again - can't get blood from a stone. It's my fault, as I knew that going in. My heart was in it, though, and I kept thinking that I needed to be good to someone who I cared about who was going through a hard time, and needed the money more than I did. Now it just makes me sick that I did it. The only thing I know to do at this point is to let go of it, though. Tenacity...... You are a GOOD SOUL! A kind soul. Don't ever beat yourself up over helping someone out. God rewards the good people. And you are Good People. 1
JourneyLady Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I can't tell you how comforting it is to know that I'm not the only woman who has done this. I would have kept doing it too - if I hadn't read a book called "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". I was basically "buying" into the relationship with the dream of forever. But then I suddenly realized the best I could expect from him (after 5 years) was "renter" and that he had very little to contribute to the relationship and was sticking around because basically, he had nothing to lose. I'd say altogether I spent $15K to $20K on him and his kids - not to mention the aggravation of putting off my dream (moving) for an extra year because he soooo complicated my life I couldn't get as much done and he wouldn't help much. The sex was great, but in the end that is all there was. Kind of expensive for a gigalo, I'd say. Thanks for posting - now I don't feel so bad. We were both fools, but we've learned, right? 1
spice4life Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Don't beat yourself over this tenacity. The silver lining in all this is what you have learned from the whole experience. Even though it has been painful, it has helped you grow as a person. I bet posting this has lifted a huge weight off your shoulders and will add turbo speed to your healing process. You were holding onto it because you felt embarrassed and as you can see there is no reason to feel that way. You dialed your healing process up a notch. Good for you!
jwi71 Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Now it just makes me sick that I did it. The only thing I know to do at this point is to let go of it, though. Yeah, well ****, if I had a nickel for every dumb,stupid,foolish, "WTF was I thinking" expenditure I made...I'd have a new 2014 Corvette Stingray. OMG - 2014 Stingray - the orgasm on wheels. I could totally have one had I just spent my money better. Aaaaaaaand I'm depressed. (fuhgetaboutit - shake your head, smile and let it go. The lesson you learn and the courage you show are FAR more valuable than cash) 4
Realist3 Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Don't beat yourself up. You aren't stupid, just a generous person. Everyone makes mistakes they wish they hadn't.
Mount Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 (edited) Oh..........NO.............that is so wrong for doing that, lending money, helping your man.... 1) He is milking you; 2) By helping him, or you are being so co-dependent (while yourself can even not be able to save yourself), help to resolve others' problems that they even don't want to resolve themslves, will make any man leave you/not love you at all. 3) By keep saying you are physician, but in life experience you have long way to learn the street smart, how people behave in this world. Yes you are aware now you are making mistake by giving $$ to him, but how many times can you make mistakes in your life. Time goes by, other people live and laugh, and you want to make mistakes as your life goes by? I cut my ex off right away from one year marriage, when I was aware he was bad on $$ habit. I knew people will NEVER change, so I have to cut him off and myself leaving right away to save lots of trouble/drama. You need to what you need to do for the best consequence for yourself. This was something I had decided I was never going to post, because it makes me look the ultimate in stupid, and it's something that has been bothering me a lot lately, from the ashes that resulted from the destruction of my affair. I think it's something I need to admit though, and I keep telling myself that I need to accept it as being part of my stupidity but it is a bitter pill to swallow. I have decided not to beat myself up too much about it though, as I have my life now and money isn't what it's all about, and to just forget it and move on. Still... Over the course of the A, I lent him money. As in, a lot of money. As in (after I totaled it all recently) somewhere north of $40,000. In cash. In several installments over the course of the years. He was out of a job and I felt bad for him at the time. I didn't want he or his family to suffer. Even after we broke up and were trying to be "friends", I lent him money. He never asked for it (not literally); I always offered it. But in hindsight, he manipulated the situation and my emotions by telling me of his grief and suffering, etc, and he knew I would offer. I am not destitute. I am a physician but still, $40k is a lot of money to me. I am divorced and raising three teenagers. I worked mostly in the VA system, so I was not a high paid physician. He has a high school education and didn't really work very hard to find a job. He was picky - only wanted a high-paying good job. The last I heard he was still unemployed. At the time I tried to justify it to myself because I didn't want him or his W or family to lose their home. And they haven't - because of me. But I know I won't see a dime of that money again - can't get blood from a stone. It's my fault, as I knew that going in. My heart was in it, though, and I kept thinking that I needed to be good to someone who I cared about who was going through a hard time, and needed the money more than I did. Now it just makes me sick that I did it. The only thing I know to do at this point is to let go of it, though. Edited February 17, 2013 by Mount
Got it Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Mount did you not read that this was past tense, not present? She isn't currently doing it. 2
Author Tenacity Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Thanks everyone for the replies I wish I could tell you how much better I feel after reading everything on this thread. I was definitely embarrassed to admit it, but now I don't feel stupid any longer and will just chalk it up to Lessons Learned. Not sure how to describe this and not make it sound like I was trying to pay him to stay with me - but for me it was way less about the money and more that I considered it to be something from the heart that I was doing for him. Yet for him it was just the money. It was just more evidence of the rejection. I don't know if that makes sense. Thank you again - I was almost afraid to read the responses - I am sorry that others have had this experience too, but I am glad not to be alone in it. 1
Author Tenacity Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Mount, I haven't given him money in literally years. This post was about what happened during my A. Years ago. I am just going to attribute your post to language barrier or some other reason for not understanding what I was trying to say. Thanks though.
Mount Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I know, I read that, I just feel bad that T gave out $$ to the MM before; plus if you want to really "get" someone' s heart, even if you are richer than Paris Hilton, DO NOT give out any $$ or any kind of help to the man, he might take it but man wants to give out his help (be the saver) for women. Do you get my point? Otherwise you will loose money, loose yourself, loose the man. Mount did you not read that this was past tense, not present? She isn't currently doing it.
Author Tenacity Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 I know, I read that, I just feel bad that T gave out $$ to the MM before; plus if you want to really "get" someone' s heart, even if you are richer than Paris Hilton, DO NOT give out any $$ or any kind of help to the man, he might take it but man wants to give out his help (be the saver) for women. Do you get my point? Otherwise you will loose money, loose yourself, loose the man. Mount - money was the least that I gave him. The most valuable thing I gave him was my heart.
Author Tenacity Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 how many times can you make mistakes in your life. Time goes by, other people live and laugh, and you want to make mistakes as your life goes by? I have to comment on this Mount, as I find it very ironic that you would say this to me. I ended my A with a married man who was never going to leave his W. Can you say the same? 1
fllygirl Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 (edited) You did it because you loved him. We all do some stupid stuff when we are in love. Just think as you bought your lucky ticket to your bright future without him. If $40K is a price to get ride of him, so be it. You are a smart intelligent woman, you will make way more. Don't even worry about it. Edited February 17, 2013 by fllygirl
KathyM Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Unfortunately, a lot of MM who are looking for an affair or in an affair have manipulation skills, and not just involving sex. They talk their smooth game so that women not only have an affair with them, but lend them money also. This is, unfortunately, all too common. My older sister was duped into giving her MM not only sex, but the money her parents gave her for college, because he claimed he needed to get his car fixed, etc., etc. These types are master manipulators who know how to say all the right things to get what they want out of naive and unsuspecting women. 2
Mount Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 It is perceived by outsider that I am having relationship with a MM, but I won't never give him $$, nor my heart at this point. And on the opposite, I need to continue letting him give his heart to me, and his everything else. For example, this V day, he got me jewerlly but the value is only in 3 digits range. My expectation, or even myself buy gift to myself, will at least over 5000. So it is not because I need the man to buy me $$ stuff, it is because I need to him continue "investing" his emotion, heart...etc to acheive the final result. You said you have 3 teenages, so you should have enough life experience. I have to comment on this Mount, as I find it very ironic that you would say this to me. I ended my A with a married man who was never going to leave his W. Can you say the same?
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