SpiralOut Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 My other thread was becoming really long and I think it's time for a new one. Many things have changed over the past year. I've been trying to change my thought patterns. Saying positive affirmations to myself every day seems to help. A few people have surprised me by telling me why they think I am lucky. This is a nice change from those who try to tell me how crappy they think my life must be. I'm learning to filter what I hear from other people. Negative words are usually about them, not me. Being told by someone that I'm "lucky" makes me realize that others perceive me differently than I perceive myself. I don't know why, but apparently my life looks great. So maybe I should try to believe that it is. I am very hard on myself. Just today I told myself how pathetic I am for spending every Saturday afternoon running around doing errands instead of going to social events. It makes me feel like I am materialistic, that I would rather go buy plants than meet up with the photography club. Then I remembered how hard it used to be for me to leave the apartment to do groceries or go out for a coffee. And now here I am running around the city for 4-5 hours every weekend. That's a big improvement. It's okay for me to do this for now. After my shopping obsession is over, I can start focusing more on meeting new people. I still meet new people, though. I try to do something every other week. Last week I went to a meetup group that I really liked. Next week there is another one I'm uncertain about, but I'll go to it. I have the ability to work through my anxiety and talk to people. My social skills are getting much better. People seem to like me. In fact, I'm kind of starting to like me too. What I need to work on is building up enough confidence to quit my job where I am treated like crap. I want to go somewhere else but I don't know where and the whole interview process still scares me. That's why I've been procrastinating doing it. I keep telling myself I should build up my confidence a bit more, except the longer I stay there the more I get worn down by the people there who just pick me apart. 6
Author SpiralOut Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Currently working on 1) accepting myself. this means not forcing myself to do activities just to fulfill a certain image that looks good to others. Accepting myself mostly means learning to accept my introversion. I am reading an empowering book right now about it. 2) learning to stop reacting and hit the pause button. This means that if someone says something rude to me, I don't have to react to it immediately. I can look at them for as long as I want, until I get a sense of what they said, what they look like and what I'll look like depending on what I say. I take my time thinking up a response. If they feel uncomfortable by my silence, too bad. Shouldn't have said something so rude to me, then. 3) increasing my energy/comfort zone. Mostly I'm doing this by spending more time outside of my apartment. I have been slowly increasing this over the past year and I now go outside at least 6 days a week. I don't just go home straight after work anymore (usually). I also do something social once every two weeks. Maybe later on, I can increase this to once a week. Right now I still need a lot of time to myself or I get burned out.
Author SpiralOut Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 I am ready for some feedback if anyone wants to give any. I solemnly swear to not rip anyone's head off. If I get pissed off I'll just hit the ignore button or something. I have the option to take sick leave from work. This can't happen until I go see my doctor next month and get the paperwork from him. But I know it's an option at my workplace. I keep saying over and over that I wish I had more time to myself so I could recover better. But what I'm wondering is what would I do with my sick leave? I really don't know what to do with my time anymore. I used to procrastinate by playing on my computer. Then I switched over to cleaning. Then I started to get out of the house more often, which wasn't procrastination since going out was WHAT I was avoiding doing. But I've been going out every single weekend for several months now, just running errands or occasionally going to a meetup group event. But now it feels like these errands are a NEW form of procrastination. Even though these are practical things to do, I don't feel any satisfaction. I feel bored and annoyed while out. I feel empty when I come back home. Sometimes I'll get nice things to eat in the hopes that eating healthy food will make me feel better. It doesn't make me feel better. My current routine consists of doing things that prevent me from feeling worse, but don't make me feel better. I'm maintaining a basic level of normal functioning. It used to be hard for me to do that but it's becoming normal now. Novelty things that are now mundane include: renting TV shows to watch, downloading new music, reading books, exploring the city to discover stores/shops that I can tell people about or go to myself, update my wardrobe/sense of fashion, decorate my apartment, play video games, cook new recipes, go to the gym. Yeah that's right, out of all those things, going to the gym is the one thing that should make me feel better but I feel so bored there. I'm even getting tired of trying out meetup groups. I just feel so exhausted with the process of getting to know new people, although there IS a new writing group that I'm going to check out next week. I don't even remember what my personal goals used to be. I guess writing and photography. I haven't done either in a while. I haven't felt motivated to do either. For some reason it just seems pointless? What do I do to feel better now? Spend more time doing yoga? Or should I start going to coffee shops to write? I think I need more friends but I'm unsure of how to turn my aquaintances into friends.
Author SpiralOut Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 I have been projecting myself onto a couple of people. They openly express qualities that I feel inside but keep to myself because I don't think it's good to let people see it about me. Those qualities are: insecurity, desperation, loneliness, and delusion. I don't react well when I see someone express these emotions in a really extreme way, like for example one girl is an off-the-charts attention whore who pushes her relationship way too fast. The other just randomly blurts out insults to the young pretty girls, then two seconds later tries to be friends with them. She acts inappropriate in other ways too. My immediate reaction is to wonder who in the hell would want to be around anyone who acts that way. I expect them to be rejected, because if I were to act in that way, I'm assuming that nobody would like me. Yet somehow these people are able to form friendships and relationships. It doesn't seem fair that I try so hard to fix my self-esteem through appropriate outlets and don't get much of a reward for it. Yet these girls who act inappropriate in the workplace and/or on facebook still find acceptance. I feel that my way is right and theirs is wrong and it pisses me off to see their way working. (or maybe it's not and they aren't actually happy after all?). But I have too much pride to try things their way. Maybe I should try to accept loneliness as an emotion that all people feel sometimes. Maybe it's okay for me to have it too. And everyone feels insecure sometimes, needs attention, and deludes themselves into thinking their life is great. I know that I deluded myself for a LONG time that I was happy so it really bothers me to see people who are obviously trying WAY too hard to prove to people that their life is great. My immediate reaction is to think they are faking it. It bothers me to see them acting fake. Makes me realize that I was probably just as transparent to everyone around me. Maybe it's not such a horrible thing after all? I don't know. I don't want to be seen as pathetic but maybe it's too late to prevent that. Maybe I already look that way. I have no idea how well I'm actually hiding it.
camillalev Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 My current routine consists of doing things that prevent me from feeling worse, but don't make me feel better. I'm maintaining a basic level of normal functioning. It used to be hard for me to do that but it's becoming normal now. Novelty things that are now mundane include: renting TV shows to watch, downloading new music, reading books, exploring the city to discover stores/shops that I can tell people about or go to myself, update my wardrobe/sense of fashion, decorate my apartment, play video games, cook new recipes, go to the gym. Yeah that's right, out of all those things, going to the gym is the one thing that should make me feel better but I feel so bored there. I'm even getting tired of trying out meetup groups. I just feel so exhausted with the process of getting to know new people, although there IS a new writing group that I'm going to check out next week. I don't even remember what my personal goals used to be. I guess writing and photography. I haven't done either in a while. I haven't felt motivated to do either. For some reason it just seems pointless? What do I do to feel better now? Spend more time doing yoga? Or should I start going to coffee shops to write? I think I need more friends but I'm unsure of how to turn my aquaintances into friends. Long-term creative goals. Even if you don't feel motivated now just start. Take photos or write. Research photographers or writers you love. Once you have something developed, think about what you do and don't like about it. Consider experimenting or a direction you'd like to go in. Maybe take a class? Creative people need something more in their lives to feel fulfilled.. a lot of people do. Of course, meaningful friendships.
Author SpiralOut Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 Long-term creative goals. Even if you don't feel motivated now just start. Take photos or write. Research photographers or writers you love. Once you have something developed, think about what you do and don't like about it. Consider experimenting or a direction you'd like to go in. Maybe take a class? Creative people need something more in their lives to feel fulfilled.. a lot of people do. Of course, meaningful friendships. Yeah I think that's what I need to do. After reading this I just went and signed myself up for a drawing/painting class. It doesn't fit in with any of my long-term goals, but I think it will be good to be in an artistic, creative environment with other like-minded people. I'm hoping it will motivate me to continue my other projects. I've also started reading through and taking notes from plant textbooks that I borrowed. Understanding more about plants should help with my gardening projects. Sometimes I'll write instructions on how to grow things, so yeah research is a good idea. 1
Author SpiralOut Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 Oh yeah I've also ordered The Dance of Anger to read. I didn't realize that most of my anger is connected to my depression. My doctor recommended that book, so I guess I'll be reading that. I also have the book Boundaries which I looked through quickly, haven't read yet. Admitting my problems makes me feel better. I think that denying my problems was taking away from my confidence. Hiding/denying leaves me with a fear of exposure. How can I feel confident when I feel as though I have something shameful to hide. Instead I am trying to accept that I am not a lesser person just because I have depression. I am not pathetic or sad or unworthy of respect. I am insightful and have clarity of mind, to be able to acknowledge having such a problem. And I'm brave to have sought help for myself. I set aside my pride when I accepted a prescription for medication. I have the power to change myself. I have already made many changes in myself and continue to do so. 1
The Tallest One Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Spiralout, I enjoyed reading your posts here! I can relate as I also have struggled with depression and self esteem issues! Right now I'm trying to get over being dumped so I'm still fairly down! I only have a few friends and its hard to find ways to spend my time. I have two young boys but I only see the youngest on Saturdays, my oldest wont come out with us which breaks my heart! There aren't any meetup groups in my area either. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can become more socially active?
Author SpiralOut Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 Spiralout, I enjoyed reading your posts here! I can relate as I also have struggled with depression and self esteem issues! Right now I'm trying to get over being dumped so I'm still fairly down! I only have a few friends and its hard to find ways to spend my time. I have two young boys but I only see the youngest on Saturdays, my oldest wont come out with us which breaks my heart! There aren't any meetup groups in my area either. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can become more socially active? Look at your interests and try to find activities based on that. Check out the community center, fitness center, library. Those places usually have a calender of events, local clubs/groups, or list of classes. Local stores sometimes have groups you can join. For example The Running Room has a free running group anyone can join, and I've seen yarn/sewing stores that have knitting groups. Check out the flyers hanging near the door of coffee houses - sometimes interesting events are listed there. Certain things might be harder to find. For example it took me hours of googling before I finally found a writing group, just because it is not advertised very well. Or look into volunteering. It's a good way to fill up spare time and meet like-minded people.
Author SpiralOut Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 I really need sick leave. I had the whole day off today and felt overwhelmed. I get stressed out about having only two days off to do what needs to be done. I get resentful about being responsible. That's probably because when I first moved away from home I was very hard on myself, trying so hard to be responsible that I didn't let myself have much fun. That resentment has caught up with me and now I struggle to have balance between responsibility and fun. Sometimes I don't bother to cook dinner because I get angry that I have to spend my time cooking. Maybe I wouldn't mind if I had someone to eat dinner with but I don't. So I get annoyed about cooking dinner for myself night after night. In all honesty I'm not having much fun. I am very lonely. Probably that is why I'm depressed. I tried to pretend I wasn't lonely, but I am. In a way it is good that I isolated myself because many of my friends weren't good friends. I find that lately I attract good people. I am finding it easier to open up a little bit more and not be as defensive. It makes me feel happy to see that good people want to get to know me, not just rude/unhappy people who see me as someone to try and be better than or to use as their backup friend. I've been afraid of my loneliness because I didn't want to express it in inapproprate ways. I've been afraid of acting needy or desperate towards people. That's not good to do. It scares people away and makes me feel/look pathetic. I've been doing all these different activities so I can get at least PART of my social meets met. This might sound sad but the best thing going for me right now is the book club that I joined. I feel like I fit in with the people there. There's an online message board too where we can exchange opinions on things and suggest other books to read. It is perfect. I have a place to go where my opinions are valued. Seems like some other people I've tried to connect with were peopel who just wanna get drunk and act stupid. That's okay sometimes but that's not for me, not unless I am with very close friends. I'll be starting volunteer work in the spring. First some tree planting, then some farm work. I'll be meeting up with a woman in charge of it soon. She has asked me to help her to coordinate some of the events. I'm so excited!
Author SpiralOut Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) Feeling both better and worse at the same time. I feel much calmer. I feel better able to stand back from a situation and see what is really happening. I think that's essential when it comes to dealing with people. That's what I've always felt insecure about: how to properly deal with people, especially problem people. I feel less nervous when people look at me. I'm starting to see there are good reasons for why others would genuinely like me and not just be trying to use me. I think I'm getting better at seeing red flags. I feel worse in the sense that I'm tired. Low energy levels, and just not sleeping well in general. When I get home from work all I want to do is curl up in bed. It's harder for me to get things done that need to be done. It makes me feel that I'm not in control of certain things, like my money, my career. I can do it if I just have more time. Right now it feels impossible. Sometimes I'm not sure if I should just roll with it and tell myself it's okay to just spend the evening resting.... because I'm not well and I need to get better. But maybe that's just an excuse I make for not getting off my ass? How hard should I force myself to do things? I've been making myself go to yoga two times a week. Other than that I am not doing much. It's just so damn cold outside and I'm so tired that I can't deal with it anymore. It needs to warm up. Edited March 20, 2013 by SpiralOut
Author SpiralOut Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) I'm partway through the book Boundaries and it says that it is normal for a person to feel extremely angry for a period of time once they start to put boundaries in place. All the memories of past violations come up in their mind. Once the boundaries are firmly in place, the anger will start to disappear because there will be no need for it anymore, because we know that violations won't happen anymore. I've been learning to stand up for myself for over a year now. My Dr. told me that my anger was a big part of depression, but I think its more than that. It's because I've been setting boundaries. I can't help but wonder if part of my depression CAME FROM my inability to stand up for myself, to have healthy relationships, to deal with all the crazy people in the world without feeling scared or angry. Anyway. I don't feel quite so angry anymore. Mostly just exhausted. I feel like I just ate something poisonous and threw it up everywhere, and now I have to fill myself up with something more healthy. I don't want to get my energy from anger. I want my energy to come from love and happiness. A few years ago I would have rolled my eyes if someone said that to me. The word "love" has always made me feel uncomfortable. But obviously it's time for me to change the way I look at things. Something weird is starting to happen, too. I'm starting to feel superior to certain people. I know that's not good. But it's like I'm going through a transformation. I am deliberately changing the way I think and see, for the better. How many people in life change? I mean truly change? Edited March 23, 2013 by SpiralOut
Author SpiralOut Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Being able to concentrate feels amazing. My concentration was so bad for a while there that I had trouble reading, writing, cooking, researching, teaching myself photography, sitting down and teaching myself guitar, etc etc. Even my performance at work suffered as I just kept forgetting so many things. Last year I hardly cooked at all because I couldn't focus enough to write a proper grocery list! I had magazines coming in the mail that I would just put on the table and never read. And you wouldn't believe the number of half-completed projects just sitting around my apartment. Oh my god. I am able to do things again! I've mentioned before that I identify myself as an academic/intellectual person. Not being able to read or work on projects made me feel so worthless. Now that I can focus, I am doing all the stuff I've been putting off doing. It's awesome. 2
Author SpiralOut Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 This weekend has been interesting. I met up again with my hometown friends. Normally I am very closed off with them. I"ve been worried, I guess, about them thinking I am a loser. This weekend I was able to open up to them. It felt good to just be myself and not feel judged. I know that they could see that I am not 100% happy (I made some self-depreciating jokes) but they are too nice to put me down for it or even to think less of me for it. When my very outgoing friend asked me if I had lots of friends in the city, I straight up told her that I had lost a lot of them after I found out who my true friends really are. She surprised me by telling me she'd gone through something similar and she knew what I meant. Two of my friends told me stories about some of the nasty things that other women have said to them, both in the past and more recently. It's the same sort of crap that I've been dealing with, so I reacted pretty strongly to it. I actually got angry on their behalf and told them those women who put them down are just trying to make themselves feel better. Then I told them about some of the nasty crap people said to me. It felt good to not feel alone about it. There is nothing wrong with me that attracts rude people - I don't do anything to deserve it. It happens to lots of other women and it's not our fault that it happens. And you know what, I feel closer to them now. That's probably a good sign, being able to trust certain people again. Then I met up with another friend and had a great conversation about creativity and how difficult it is to keep it up. She is an artist and tells me she considers me to be a creative person - she knows that I write and do personal projects. It felt good to openly discuss that. I've been feeling guilty about not pursuing my personal/creative goals, but it's actually a common issue that many people have. I am not lazy or weak; I am just facing a roadblock. I have a good feeling about this year. I'll probably make a couple of new friends. I used to be too shy to go out to events by myself or introduce myself to new people. But now I do it all the time. Plus, I'm less afraid of people, probably because I'm better at standing up for myself. Do you know what's weird, is that when I act like myself, people act more interested in getting to know me. I must be likeable. No wonder that weird chick attacked me whenever I acted outgoing. She couldn't stand how awesome I was. Well, **** her and everyone like her. I won't be put into a box just so you don't have to feel bad next to me. I'm awesome. If you don't like it just shut up and deal with it.
Author SpiralOut Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 And now that I'm home again, reality sets in as I realize nobody here cares if I'm around or not. I have nobody to call or text to tell them I am back in town. As soon as I walked through the front door a feeling of anxiety fell over me and hasn't gone away. Not having real friends here is really tough, tougher than I let myself believe. I'm feeling frustrated by it because I know I'm a fun person to be around and it feels like a waste for me to spend so much time alone. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of myself for building up at least some sort of life for myself with these different social activities and personal goals. I'm much better off than before. It's still lonely as hell though, to have nobody to share it with. Just three more days until I can get my doctor's note and get time off work. I'll have to buy extra yoga classes or something so I'm not completely socially isolated during my time off.
Author SpiralOut Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 I must not feel so great after all if I still care so much about what other people think of me. I don't know what the hell else to do to get confidence. I'm starting to feel like I've made no progress after all. All I've managed to do is fix my life enough so that I don't feel completely horrible about myself. I have a steady job, take care of my health, exercise, go to social activities. My social skills are better and my anxiety has decreased enough that I can talk to people more easily. I am better at standing up for myself. I have resurrected my personal interests. Instead of just dicking around on the internet, I read books and check out new music, check out different restaurants and stores so I can advise people on where to go. This is a vast improvement. I've built myself up a lot. But underneath it all, my self worth is STILL less than it should be. Why the hell is that? What else do I need to do? Why isn't anything working?? Why do I still care too much about what other people think? Why do I still feel like I am worthless? I know that I'm not but I feel as though I am. I don't know what else to do!!
Author SpiralOut Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 I am officially on sick leave for the next week. I spent yesterday feeling horribly guilty about it (didn't help that the HR woman wasn't very nice to me about it). Today I feel better. I biked for a couple of hours and went to my first art class. So far it's good. I still feel anxious about how much I have to do. These thoughts are wired into me: "oh god I don't have enough time to do everything", "it's too hard," "I can't do it all," "I can't even take care of myself properly." I'm starting to wonder if my fatigue is coming from all the changes I'm making. It takes a lot of effort to change my thoughts, my habits. Almost everything that I need to do requires concentration. It's a reorganization of the mind. Anyway, I guess I'll wait until the end of next week to report back. What I'm finding helpful right now is filling up a notebook with lists: books to read, movies I like, places to check out (like gyms, bookstores), etc etc. It helps me to feel less scatterbrained.
Author SpiralOut Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 I'm following a self-esteem workbook. I think it's working already after only one chapter. It makes me feel more in control of myself. Instead of trying to make everything about myself perfect, I need to take control of what's going on in my head. Don't get me wrong; I'm glad that I've made my apartment a comfortable place to live, that I've found groups and activities that I genuinely like, that I've focused on my health. But what's the point of all that if I don't change how I think. I say things to myself, or sometimes out loud about myself, that hurt me. Cutting that out is the only way for me to feel happy with what I've got instead of constantly feeling like I need to do better, try harder, be better.
Author SpiralOut Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 So yesterday I was feeling down on myself, feeling like I can't do this. I can't change. It's too hard and too much work. The critic in my head is too clever for me to ever catch it (which is what I'm supposed to be doing according to the self-esteem book). Then I realized. . . that's my critic talking to me! It knows that I want to get rid of it so now it's trying to talk me out of doing that. Oh my god!! It's evil!! Aside from that one creepy thing, I'm feeling okay. I'm starting to have a better sense of who I am. Before, I felt fragmented. I still do a little bit. But I'm remembering who I am. And I think a lot of my anger comes from the fact that I did this to myself, allowed myself to fall down a dark hole and throw away years of my life as I wallowed in misery while pretending that I was happy. My god. It helps to draw comic strips. It's something I've always done, on and off. It helps me to blow off steam and express myself, and usually I can laugh at it afterwards. It also puts things in perspective to see little cartoon drawings of people saying ridiculous things to me. It helps me to take negative people less seriously. The one thing that has me down right now is not having any friends here. It makes me even more grateful for the ones I have out of town, but I'm feeling sad that I have nobody to call at the end of the day, or to invite out with me. I know it will come in time and I know that most people like me, but this still sucks. I'm feeling lonely.
Emma11 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Not many others have posted on your thread-so I hope its ok if I comment. I'm really enjoying what you're writing (I can personally identify with some of the same things). I can tell you are a introspective, ambitious and intelligent person. I may have missed it, but you're in a new town correct? (I think that's what I read?) I did the same thing 5 months ago and I'm also kind of shy. Keep involving yourself in new things, it will make you truly understand yourself. I felt that way...until my break-up, then I changed and started reaching out more. Many good things followed It sounds like you're on a great path, and confidence, finding yourself etc comes with time and experience. You are changing, don't dobut that. I know in my journey (to becoming more confident/self-assured/life) I've felt like I've hit a brick wall many times. It'll all come to you in time, promise.
Author SpiralOut Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 Not many others have posted on your thread-so I hope its ok if I comment. I'm really enjoying what you're writing (I can personally identify with some of the same things). I can tell you are a introspective, ambitious and intelligent person. I may have missed it, but you're in a new town correct? (I think that's what I read?) I did the same thing 5 months ago and I'm also kind of shy. Keep involving yourself in new things, it will make you truly understand yourself. I felt that way...until my break-up, then I changed and started reaching out more. Many good things followed It sounds like you're on a great path, and confidence, finding yourself etc comes with time and experience. You are changing, don't dobut that. I know in my journey (to becoming more confident/self-assured/life) I've felt like I've hit a brick wall many times. It'll all come to you in time, promise. Thanks for the reply. I appreciate it I'm not in my hometown, but I've been here for a while now (over 5 years). Most of the friends I made at first either moved away, or I drifted away from. Some of them weren't good friends and I had to get rid of them. There have been different people who reached out to me and tried to befriend me but I pushed them away because I have trust issues. I feared getting close to them, feared they wouldn't like me anymore if I let them get to know me better. I have trouble believing anyone likes me for me. I feel as though they must only want me to use me for something. So as a result I am alone. It's embarrassing to try and explain to people what I do with my time, when there is no socially acceptable excuse for why I have no friends. Anyway, it's good to hear that others can relate to what I'm writing. I am now trying to reach out more to people. It's hard.
Emma11 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I went through the same a few years ago, had trouble trusting others after a guy used/lied to me. Luckily I made some good friends afterwards who figured out what had happened and I regained trust again. I will say its hard to get out of that state, understandably so if you've been hurt. People don't realize the gravity of their actions and words, but you can be the change-knowing how it feels you know you won't do that. It helps you to find yourself. Keep being yourself and continuing your journey. I promise you, there are many truly great and caring people who will really like you just the way you are and even when you mess up or make mistakes. If they don't, you know they're not actually your friends and the fault is them not you. 1
Author SpiralOut Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 (edited) Never mind what I just wrote. . . Things are looking up right now. Like all my hard work might be starting to pay off. It's a weird feeling. Edited April 30, 2013 by SpiralOut
Author SpiralOut Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Okay I'll do an edited version of what I was trying to write before . . . I'm finding it helpful to 1) Put more effort into my appearance. I'm too embarrassed to say just what I've been doing but it involves makeup and clothes and allowing myself to be as vain as I want. 2) Focus on physical health - eat better, exercise. It's amazing to feel my muscles getting stronger. I can bike further without stopping, and I am now doing an intermediate yoga class. 3) Share my artsy/crafty projects online. I do it through a creativity blog that I started up. Helps me to feel motivated. 4) Wake up earlier in the morning. I actually sort of enjoy waking up, having enough time to make coffee and have a shower, eat and get ready. Sure is better than rushing around. 5) Reading every day. I used to be a huge bookworm, and when I stopped it's like I stopped being me. I love words. It's how I feel connected to others. I feel much happier now that I'm getting through piles of books. 6) Staying organized. I keep track of the books I read/will read, the projects I'm working on, the movies I've watched and plan to watch, the food I eat each day, exercise, daily accomplishments. My memory has been sort of "off" this past year and I want to improve it. I also stood up for myself this past week regarding this woman at work who complains about me right in front of me as if I'm not there. Sometimes she insults me or will try to order me around even though she's not my boss. People are afraid to say anything to her because she is difficult to deal with. But I've been calling her out on **** lately. Seriously, I'm sick to death of the way she bosses ALL of us around. It's ridiculous. I've also rsvp'd yes to a party in the next few weeks. I don't normally do that. But it's someone I really like and I don't want to blow my chance at friendship. This is my chance to do things right.
Author SpiralOut Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) Today I felt perfectly comfortable with just being myself. I don't know if it is because I am sleep-deprived, or if it means I'm making progress. Maybe, just maybe, I am starting to feel okay with acting like myself because if someone is mean to me, I know how to deal with it. Okay maybe I'm not 100% comfortable with telling people off, but I'm getting there. I think one of my major issues has been not knowing how to stand up for myself. That's where much of my social anxiety comes from. There have been times where I tried to socialize and was publicly humiliated by other people insulting me. Edited May 3, 2013 by SpiralOut
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