echo123 Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I met this guy four months ago. At the beginning he said he's divorced but after a few dates, he confessed he's in separation. He asked me to give a three-month trial with him and he would get his divorce. It was my first-time falling in love so I agreed. We had a lot in common and I found him very sweet and we are planning moving together. However, his wife didn't agree to let him go and came to his place to ask him to move back with her. He didn't want to. I felt like he's cheating on her because he's with me when he's not divorced. Then three months are past and he couldn't nail it. So I told him I wanted to break up although I still loves him and he still loves me. I'm in my mid-30 and really want to start a family. Obviously he couldn't get a settlement very soon. Should I give it up or wait up for him? Both of us don't have kids and want to start a family. Am I the other woman in this case? I felt so bad. Thanks very much for your opinions or advice.
wisernow Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I don't think you gave us all the information to really help you. Why isn't he able or willing to pull the trigger on the divorce? What does he tell you?
Author echo123 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 What do you mean by "pulling the trigger"? Filing for divorce? Both of them are in another country now for work so they are not eligible as residents to file a case here. And what's worse, the local court where he's working can't take their case either because they're considered "foreigners".
wisernow Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 What do you mean by "pulling the trigger"? Filing for divorce? Both of them are in another country now for work so they are not eligible as residents to file a case here. And what's worse, the local court where he's working can't take their case either because they're considered "foreigners". Well, I guess that's what I meant. So neither are able to file for divorce? What does this man say is his out if he is unable to file? Puts you in a very odd position.
wisernow Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I guess other concern is,what do you really know about him?
Author echo123 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Actually his wife is not willing to divorce. He tried for couple years to settle with her. Right now with me, he's willing to give all the money, house and cars to her. But she didn't agree. BTW, he's in his 40s. He wanted to marry and start a family asap. That's why he wants settlement rather than take it to the court. Because trials may take for 5 or 6 years according to lawyers whereas settlement would take a few months. He approached a few lawyers but they didn't take the case unless he moved back to the country for three months as a qualifying resident.
wisernow Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Well, not knowing where you are from and given what you've said, I guess all you can do is deal with his truth and the life he can offer. Sounds really messed up, though. Are you willing to wait 5-6 years for his divorce to be final? I guess that's the real question for you. I am sorry you find yourself in this position, but given what you know, suppose its up to you if you stick by him or not.
Tenacity Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I'm still confused on some basics that seem critical to giving you advice. So he and his W are in the same country, a different country than where you are? Are they living together now? How long are they planning to stay there? Aside from that, my advice would be to be very sure that what you are being told is true. That she doesn't want a divorce, it will really take 5-6 years (this sounds really excessive, even given different countries), etc.
LoveTKO Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 (edited) @echo123 - remove yourself from this situation you're in and read your story as if you're an independent third party observer. Isn't it rather obvious that a future with this guy has so many strikes against it based on the fact that it all sounds so complicated for a relatively new and fresh three month relationship? Foreign residency; jurisdiction in the courts;don't now what to believe, etc. I understand that you have feelings for this guy, but now is the time to put an end to it all before you really get your feelings hurt after letting this scenario linger for a couple of years. Dating a married person from another country really complicates matters, since you are kept in the dark as to what really transpires regarding the relationship with the BS. You have no clue and it's so easy to feed you a line bull and blaming it on some diplomatic matter just to stop you from asking questions. Edited February 17, 2013 by LoveTKO
Eggplant Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Dating a married person from another country really complicates matters, since you are kept in the dark as to what really transpires regarding the relationship with the BS. Has he introduced you to his mother? Over the phone? Now-a-days there is even Skype. Have you spoken with his wife (err former wife?)? If not, why not? Absolutely necessary. I was lied to by a married man who could hide it all more easily because he was from another country. Keep your eyes WIDE open. I would never date a separated man. You're either married or not. Yes or no. If he's really about to divorce, what harm does it do to wait until he's divorced? No contact until he's finished. 1
Author echo123 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Thank you guys giving me advice and I really appreciate. Yes, he has moved out since he's with me four month ago. He has introduced me to his mother. I visited and stayed with him for a while. He did separate with his W. She's OK with him cheating, just wanting to drag the marriage as long as she could as a revenge.
Author echo123 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Has he introduced you to his mother? Over the phone? Now-a-days there is even Skype. Have you spoken with his wife (err former wife?)? If not, why not? Absolutely necessary. I was lied to by a married man who could hide it all more easily because he was from another country. Keep your eyes WIDE open. I would never date a separated man. You're either married or not. Yes or no. If he's really about to divorce, what harm does it do to wait until he's divorced? No contact until he's finished. Thank you. That's exactly I'm doing right now. I told him no contact at the moment until he files the case. It was so hard for me and I cried for almost a week. I gave my cell phone to my BFF to keep because I knew he'd call me or text me. Right now, I'm gaining control over myself. I don't want to meet his wife because I feel so ashamed about this.
Pierre Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I met this guy four months ago. At the beginning he said he's divorced but after a few dates, he confessed he's in separation. He is a liar and is playing you. If you wait you will lose your last remaining fertile years and will never have a baby and a family. He is a liar, get it. A healthy women with good self esteem would not pay 2 seconds of attention to this man. Seek counseling. Lying about his marital status should be a deal breaker for a healthy woman. 2
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 He is a liar and is playing you. If you wait you will lose your last remaining fertile years and will never have a baby and a family. He is a liar, get it. A healthy women with good self esteem would not pay 2 seconds of attention to this man. Seek counseling. Lying about his marital status should be a deal breaker for a healthy woman. This post is true. Really, what is it that you love about this man? He is a proven liar. He isn't leaving his wife. He is where he wants to be. Those who WANT TO DIVORCE, do so. It happens everyday all over the world. This MM may care and even love you, but not enough to end things and start a new life with you. Four month affair vs a long marriage with family and extended family, a life he's used to and comfortable with. DO end it and run. Grieve the loss so you can find love with a (single) man who you won't have to share.
Author echo123 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Yes, I should be brave to end this. I'm doing this. I believe I can do it. Any woman with self-esteem should do so. You guys are absolutely right. Thank you.
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