Completely gutted ..

[Joella2014]

I don't even know where to begin, there is so much to my story. My mind, head and heart is all over the place. There's not really anyone I can talk to. I am hoping to find people here to talk to, I need some kind of interaction to somehow get through this turmoil in a somewhat sane manner.

 

I won't get into it all in one post or it will be pages. So I will just start at the end and eventually maybe it will all come out.

 

Been with someone off and on for about 13 years. About 6 years ago found out he was practically living a double life. Two relationships. Me and someone else. Broke up and somehow got back together after that. I know I should not have, but I did. Had a baby with him shortly after. Our child is now 5 years old.

 

We have never lived together. Big sign right there. He left me when I was 5 months pregnant. Never saw him again until our child was born, because I called and told him I was in labour and going to the hospital. Because I believed that one day he would regret not being there for her birth, and wanted to avoid that. Stupid me.

 

Got back together when she was about a year old. Still never lived together.

 

The last four years have been up and down.

 

In summary, him acting very suspicious and me thinking he was cheating once again. A few obvious things happened to make me think that, but he lies and lies and lies and although I never believe him, I still stay with him. Because I guess I am an idiot.

 

A month ago, mid January, he left me again. Told me he just "needed a break", with not much else of an explanation.

 

Everytime I try to talk to him to understand why, we fight.

 

He completely blames me for everything. Says he can't take it anymore because I am alway thinking he is cheating. That I am always negative, That I am unhappy. Then we fought over this and he told me he felt nothing for me. I pretty much died inside at that point and left him alone to do as he wanted.

 

The day before Valentine's day, I found a receipt. On the receipt it showed he bought a valentine's day card. Thought maybe it was for me from our child together. Valentines day came and went, no card. I confronted him on it. He got all mad at me and said the card was for his mother.

 

I feel now that he has someone else, probably been with her before he left me, a pattern of his.

 

If he could just be honest with me maybe I can move on easier, but he will never admit anything. And I am so full with questions.

 

I feel like he checked out and now is making me feel like its all my fault, when he already has someone else.

 

I dont know what's wrong with me. Clearly I have no self confidence anymore. I dont get why I am so gutted, why I want to be with someone who treats me like garbage over and over again.

 

Right now I am so extremely depressed. I think about this 24/7. Hard to function at home with my kids, hard to function at work. I dont know how to snap out of it.

 

I know I am an idiot for caring and loving this person. I just don't understand why.

 

Please help me.

 

J.

[Joella2014]

Important to note:

I totally believe in the no contact thing, but I dont see how it is possible in my case, we have a child together. Not just that, but I am a shift worker and he lives too far to be able to pick her up from school and take her to his place. So he has to bring her home to my place till I get home. So we are forced to see each other, although we don't even talk.

Its sickening.

Wish I could move far away and never see him again, but its not an option.

[imtooconfused]

Joella, I read your story and it sounds very touching. You sound like a really hard working person. Especially you sound like a great mother raising your child on your own for the past 5 years. I am sure there is so much more about you that would be remarkable to hear. These are things for which you can be extremely proud. I say this to help you understand that, from what I can tell, you are a strong independent woman who shouldn't need a guy in her life to validate who she is. If someone has given you reason to lose trust in them and they respond by asking for space, this is not someone that you should turn to for support or to prove your own self-worth. Be strong and be independent.

[Joella2014]

You know what, you are so right. I have had a very difficult life, from a very young age. I already had trust issues before all of my experiences with this guy. This time though, I feel like I'm so tired of being strong and like I"m really broken this time. Hard to explain in words. I feel like I've reached the end of my rope in some ways. It's very very difficult this time for some reason. Maybe because in my heart I know it's truly over, for good. I don't know.

[todreaminblue]

You know what, you are so right. I have had a very difficult life, from a very young age. I already had trust issues before all of my experiences with this guy. This time though, I feel like I'm so tired of being strong and like I"m really broken this time. Hard to explain in words. I feel like I've reached the end of my rope in some ways. It's very very difficult this time for some reason. Maybe because in my heart I know it's truly over, for good. I don't know.

 

 

 

I read your story and i feel for you, i am sorry he is a dick......yep ...a huge one...

 

 

 

..I lived with someone i didnt trust for a very long time the erosion that happened to my spirit took years of seclusion and me being reclusive and concentrating solely on my kids to get through it....then i found a place where my spirit is going through its final stages of healing and its in a church i believe in......you are lucky you didnt live together because you probably still would have forgiven him ........you must rock as a mum with the strength and caring you can give to your daughter...dont give up ...your rope ends with your daughter........she holds that end for you....see the love in her eyes.......that will give you hope......hugs to ya....deb

[Joella2014]

Unfortunately I don't rock much as a mom. I also have a teenage daughter who I have been yelling at alot lately, taking things out on her. I need to fix that asap somehow because I know it's affecting her alot. I hate that I have handled things the way I did.

 

I feel the way you said. I just want to live in seclusion with my children. I dont want to see anyone, talk to anyone, go anywhere.

 

I feel very depressed. I am hoping that I am not officially depressed and need medication. I dont handle medication well, very sensitive to it and get very sick. I am hoping in time I will feel better.

 

How long does it take? Months , years ? I dont know how much longer I can continue feeling this way. Although he left about a month ago officially, I have been feeling this way for months before.

[TaraMaiden]

Joella, I see you added a comment in Bertina's thread, where clearly - tragically - you can see you're not alone.

 

I offered Bertina the advice of separating head from heart when making decisions which require a practical and rational head and outcome.

 

I would say the same goes here.

 

I know that you are deeply embroiled emotionally, but you have to sit down, with pen and paper, and write down the practical, logical and sensible things you can do, to slowly crowbar him out of your life.

 

One would be to gather up anything belonging to him, in your home, pack them up and give them to him when he next comes over.

Tell him that as he has no permanent residence in your heart, you don't see why your home - YOUR HOME - should be any different.

He is no longer at liberty to come swanning in and out as he chooses.

 

Is there a playgroup or childminder ho could take over picking up your daughter from school and keep her until you get there?

Do you have a fellow-mom who could help?

If he pays child support (and I damn well hope he does!) then maybe you could get that increased a little to help cover that cost?

 

If you guys aren't married, is there an official programme in place for his being responsible for his daughter and seeing her?

 

Sit down, and write a list of all the PRACTICAL means of distancing him from your life.

He's done it enough up to now - you need to take back control, and lead your life your way.

 

As for the emotional - leave it all with us.

We'll help you put that all back together again.....

[Joella2014]

I agree. I have so much to do, just no will to do it. But I know I must. We have no agreements whatsover, just verbally.

As much as he has hurt me, I will never interfere with him being with his daughter. He loves her and she loves him.

 

This is what I have done so far:

 

I have written down the horrible things he has done to hurt me and what he has done good for me to make me happy. The first list is long, much of which I'm sure would shock you all. The second is still empty.

 

We have verbally agreed he will see/have our daughter when I am working weekends, and when I am home, she stays with me. When I work during the week, he picks her up after school and stays till I get home at my place. But yes, I know we need a legal document and I intend of making one, as soon as I can figure out the best way.

 

The problem is that I have only my mom, and she is not too close by and works alot. I have no babysitters, my teenager is very busy with school and her start and finish time does not coincide with my younger daughter's.

 

Right now I hate that he comes into my home freely like this when I am not there, when he picks her up from school. I dont even think he realizes that I dont have to accomodate this and I do it only because its easiest for him and for her. I dont know how else we can do this, but yes, getting a daycare provider is probably the answer.

 

He does pay support. However, he has lent me $$ over the last year to help me with bills etc, and is taking out of his child support. So I get nothing for a few months. I dont think I will have a problem getting $$ from him for daycare assistance. But who knows.

 

As for giving him back his things, good idea. I will do that, his toothbrush and pajamas, which is all he has left at my place.

 

And finally, YES PLEASE, I need to keep it together and not fall apart more than I already have. Please keep talking to me, even if just for a few days.

 

Take my word for it, I am not okay right now emotionally.

 

Thanks so much all of you for responding.

 

J.

[TaraMaiden]

I agree. I have so much to do, just no will to do it. But I know I must. We have no agreements whatsover, just verbally.

As much as he has hurt me, I will never interfere with him being with his daughter. He loves her and she loves him.

That's a plus.

But takes nothing away from the fact he treats her mother like a convenient tramp.

 

This is what I have done so far:

 

I have written down the horrible things he has done to hurt me and what he has done good for me to make me happy. The first list is long, much of which I'm sure would shock you all. The second is still empty.

 

Bad idea.

Forgive me, but it is.

Rip it up, shred it, shove it in the bin, burn it - whatever.

 

You already KNOW all this; you don't need a list to remind you of the emotional havoc he has wreaked.

Such a list just reinforces your misery.

It's not good for you, at this point, it's too soon, too raw and too early to make lists of this nature.

 

The 'list' you make is to determine, as practically as you can, what must be done to minimise his influence on you; his physical presence must be reduced in frequency.

 

At present, everything you're arranging with regard to your daughter is to make it more convenient for him.

You are her mother.

You have raised her.

You call the shots and determine what is most practical FOR YOU.

 

Not him.

He will have to arrange his life differently, from now on - because i will be convenient to you.

make firm contingency plans. If he can't fit in with them, that's his problem, not yours.

 

We have verbally agreed he will see/have our daughter when I am working weekends, and when I am home, she stays with me. When I work during the week, he picks her up after school and stays till I get home at my place. But yes, I know we need a legal document and I intend of making one, as soon as I can figure out the best way.

First, you decide what is workable and practical.

Secondly, you get a court order to make it official.

Thirdly, you present it to him and tell him this is the way it's going to be from now on.

If he doesn't like it, he can go back to court where you can reach a compromise.

But if you make it reasonable and fair, then it will be harder for him to fight.

Remember, he is her father, but he has no custody, and no official legal bearing, because he's not married to you.

It's good that he loves his daughter and does what he does. But that doesn't give him carte blanche to walk all over you with this....

 

The problem is that I have only my mom, and she is not too close by and works alot. I have no babysitters, my teenager is very busy with school and her start and finish time does not coincide with my younger daughter's.

Investigate whether the school as an after-hours nursery to look after kids whose parents have weird working hours.

Many schools do.

If not, suggest they start one, for a nominal fee for parents to pay the carers....

Parents did this at the school my girls went to. It worked wonderfully.

 

Right now I hate that he comes into my home freely like this when I am not there, when he picks her up from school. I dont even think he realizes that I don't have to accommodate this and I do it only because its easiest for him and for her. I dont know how else we can do this, but yes, getting a daycare provider is probably the answer.

Take away his keys. Ask him to go to a local cafe or restaurant and wait for you there with her. he can feed her at the same time....

 

He does pay support. However, he has lent me $$ over the last year to help me with bills etc, and is taking out of his child support. So I get nothing for a few months. I dont think I will have a problem getting $$ from him for daycare assistance. But who knows.

If you make it official, you may well get more.

The fact that he's helped you pay bills is immaterial. Damn well right he should have done! leaving you alone to bring up his child for him with no regular, fixed contribution? Single-handed?!? get outta here!!

 

As for giving him back his things, good idea. I will do that, his toothbrush and pajamas, which is all he has left at my place.

Good.

Smaller bag required.

 

And finally, YES PLEASE, I need to keep it together and not fall apart more than I already have. Please keep talking to me, even if just for a few days.

 

Take my word for it, I am not okay right now emotionally.

 

We can tell.

Which is why I gave you all of the above to be going on with.

If you focus on the practical, and do what's right for you, you will find that emotionally, you start holding it together more too.

 

I hate the cliché, but this is all part of you "getting your power back".

 

[TaraMaiden]

Unfortunately I don't rock much as a mom. I also have a teenage daughter who I have been yelling at alot lately, taking things out on her. I need to fix that asap somehow because I know it's affecting her alot. I hate that I have handled things the way I did.

 

I feel the way you said. I just want to live in seclusion with my children. I dont want to see anyone, talk to anyone, go anywhere.

 

I feel very depressed. I am hoping that I am not officially depressed and need medication. I dont handle medication well, very sensitive to it and get very sick. I am hoping in time I will feel better.

 

How long does it take? Months , years ? I dont know how much longer I can continue feeling this way. Although he left about a month ago officially, I have been feeling this way for months before.

 

I don't know how old your teen is, but she could become the best friend you have.

Apologise to her.

Be open with her, tell her what has been on your mind, and explain how stressed you feel. Explain that you know you've been really unfair on her and you're deeply sorry.

 

Share your thoughts with her, and confide in her - but do all of this appropriately to her age....

 

And investigate anti-depressants which are herbally based, like St John's Wort, for example, and natural remedies to help you sleep better....