Is it worth putting my eggs into one basket?

[kaylan]

kaylan,

 

You know what you are? You're a people pleaser. I think you know what that means. Basically, you try to hard to make people like you...and when they don't like you, because you've put in all this effort, it makes you feel down and it hurts your self confidence.

Wow, you internet psychologists aka arm chair psychs, make me laugh all the time.

 

You couldnt be more wrong. Do you read my posts? Im not a people pleaser at all. Im a Kaylan pleaser. I do what I please and I say what I want. My posts should indicate that.

 

The only reason I made this thread was because I dislike flaky behavior, and I didnt want to possibly get into any mess while I try and date multiple women. If I was a people pleaser, I wouldnt bother letting the chick know I wasnt found of her behavior. Id have been a supplicating nice guy telling her how ok it is instead.

 

But now shes the one trying to please me. Not the other way around.

 

You might think I'm off my rocker and that's fine...but this is the impression I get from your many posts and threads on LS. The reason why you are over analyzing this situation to the point of obsession is because you feel she "owes" you something because of the effort you put in.

lmao dude. You clearly dont read enough of my posts then. Or youre another one of the posters here who zero in on only a few of my posts, and then claim to know so much about my character and personality.

 

Get over yourself. The reason Ive analyzed this and let the thread get so long is because I ALWAYS staunchly defend my position on things. Doesnt matter if its trivial to my real life or not. I stand by what I say and will back it up. Ive not spoken to the girl today, and dont plan to in the future...so no...I dont feel she owes me anything, and its no sweat off my back.

 

This girl owes you NOTHING. She could tell you to **** off and that's well within her rights. You gotta stop thinking in terms of "I put in x amount of effort, I expect x amount of reward". That's not how life works.

Oh wow dude...you missed the posts where I said this was no biggie. Just because Im annoyed by her behavior and acknowledge it, doesnt mean I super care. What im doing mainly now, is defending my initial feelings on the matter. Im merely responding to you guys...as I always do in MANY threads.

 

Most of the stuff I argue about in this forum, I barely make a peep about in real life. Because in real life most of these things dont come up or I have better things to worry about. But still, in real life, if someone challenges my position, I defend the position no matter how big or small.

 

That's why I keep stressing "be cool", "just relax", "have fun", "stop caring so much", "just BE COOL". I'm not saying go around with an "I'm an indifferent jerk who doesn't give a crap" attitude. I'm saying...hey...sometimes things don't work out the way you expected and THAT'S PERFECTLY FINE.

I know its fine. And im telling you, I dont do the "be cool" attitude anymore. People, and many women, will take advantage of that. Many nice guys try and act cool and let girls get away with crap. My way now is that I do want I want, and if a girl annoys me, I write her off and keep going.

 

Just because I talk about it on this forum doesnt mean Im super worrying about it in my daily life. This thread will die today and Ill go back to talking to 2 or 3 other women. No issue here Dr KungFu

This thread should not be 5 pages long (it really should not have even existed) and with each additional page it grows with you actively participating in it just continues to prove my point.

Dude...its a discussion forum. If you dont want it to be longer, than keep quiet and move on. Like I said, anyone here who knows me, knows I stick by what I say and think. Doesnt matter if the issue is big or small. Im not gonna let someone roll up and act like a know it all and me not respond.

Just breezed through this thread so I'm sure I've missed a lot, but it's a comedy of errors in my opinion. I've dated waitresses, hostesses, bartenders, and a lot of other women and I'm sure as it's been mentioned, everyone has different types of communication timelines.

 

The girl I'm seeing now, after our first date, which went awesome, didn't text me for two days to touch base, and you know what? We're still dating two months later....She usually doesn't respond to my texts in a timely manner at all, but guess what? She's busy!

 

If she's with friends, the last thing I expect her to do is whip out her phone and start a text convo with me, or even respond. Hell she's even going to dinner with a guy friend tonight, which I have no problem with, and I don't care if she texts me before or after. If you're busy, out with people, working, texting should be one of the last things on your mind. Enjoy life.

 

Like I said, I haven't read it all, but the fact you haven't even met yet means that she owes you nothing. I'd take it that she generally is busy, and while most people, myself included always have my phone on me, doesn't mean that I'm required to text within an hour or two of receiving someone else's messages.

 

In my opinion you made a big mistake calling her out on the "vibe". Take it easy and breezy, plus you actually need to meet first, no need to already have negative vibes heading into a first date. This girl could be amazing and just because she wasn't all over via text the first few days you have your number doesn't mean she's not interested. I usually give the girls a time frame, say two weeks as a general length, if we've been texting or emailing and we can't meet up within a two week time frame, then I'm done.

 

Focus on the positive, the good emails and good connection and less on the lack of responses. She's not your girlfriend so why expect her to communicate like one? Don't mean to be harsh, just my two cents, but I think you could have handle this a lot better, but perhaps I missed something....

 

God Speed

I dont care if I made any mistakes. Ill make all the right mistakes thatll lead me to the right girl for me.

 

The fact that some of you cant see why a guy would be put off by late night texts about bars and being drunk, is beyond me.

 

Its all good if the girl is busy. But texting doesnt take long...and if Im only texting you to see when we could have a speaking conversation (so I can decide if ima ask her out), I dont see how its too much to ask not to be texted back almost ten hours later.

Kaylan, this is one of the few times () I agree with you.

 

I ended my relationship with Soldier Boy and am dating again, and am finding it super difficult NOT to respond right away to a particular guy I'm dating and super interested in. I actually feel proud of myself if I manage to wait 30 minutes. :lol:

 

But with the guys who I don't really feel a spark with or am not that interested in, I wait a lot longer... like the girl in the OP. Basically, these other guys are my backup plan, and I could care less if they fall through, because my focus is elsewhere.

 

I mean, it's one thing if she takes a while now and again to respond to an initiated text, but when it becomes a clear pattern, or you respond right away and you'd think she's holding her phone in that moment or it's nearby, and she waits AGAIN...? Bad sign.

 

For your own sake, I'd move on.

Will do.

Edited February 17, 2013 by kaylan

[StanMusial]

One last thing Kaylan. Competition is a fact of life and not just in dating. You gotta figure if a girl is worth having then there are multiple guys who are trying to get with her. That should not be off-putting although it can be discouraging depending on how the girl reacts to it.

 

All told I think you have the right idea about it though. OLD just seems to skew things terribly.

[JourneyLady]

Wow. Some people here really arent getting it.Are you serious? Are you really trying to make cell phone tower and sms delivery excuses for this girl? Especially when she acknowledged and apologized twice for take forever to get back to me.

 

She got them when I sent them.

 

Oh spare me. This isnt about self worth. This is about being consistent...like another poster said. Consistency is paramount in the early stages of dating. Her actions now dont match up to the initial interest she showed.

 

Im not asking her to be glued to her phone. A reply takes 10 seconds.

 

Wtf are you talking about? 2 part time jobs doesnt leave someone with barely a minute to quickly reply to a text. Especially if she sent me a text a bit before she had work anyways. And especially if shes able to text me as shes leaving the bar, telling me shes been drinking since she got off work.

 

How can you not see that this is not how you show interest properly to someone? You dont text me back for hours, yet you can tell me how awesome your night out drinking was at almost 2am?

 

In what was is it a neurotic frenzy to calmly mention to her that she doesnt seem into it? Women, when really interested in a new guy, dont behave like she is. So youre right...shes better off not talking to a guy she isnt into.

 

Um...how OLD works is usually you message someone, then have phone conversations before you meet. Why in the world would I meet someone whos voice Ive never heard. For all I know she could be a completely different person, or a guy. No one would be telling a woman to meet a guy from OLD that shes never ever spoken to on the phone. Plus I wanted to see if the way we clicked on messages, could cross over to a phone convo. For me, girls I usually have great spoken conversations with, are girls I have good chemistry with.

Um...dude. Part of the reason Ive gone through the bull crap I have in dating is because I didnt analyze enough, or I let obvious gut feelings of disinterest slide past my vision.

Trust me, Ive done a lot better with women once I adopted the "my way or the highway" routine. Girls who give me "funny feelings" because of flaky or disinterested behavior, have always been games or drama if I actually gave them some of my time. So Im going by experience here.

 

Oh gimme a break. Ive played it cool before...and when you play it cool and dont notice or let someone know you notice their off behavior, they take advantage and think its ok.

 

Sorry, but I dont like any drama. And this girl isnt getting any drama from me. Shes simply getting told "hmm Im getting the wrong vibe here like youre not into this. Thats cool...it is what it is". If she wants a cool guy, she will def get a cool guy now who doesnt give a damn.

 

Now today she wants to send me a text to tell me good afternoon, and that shes having a hectic day and hopes we can talk later if its not too late. Riiiiight.

 

I don't know if you talk like this in real life, but you come off as impatient and very quickly judgmental. I don't mean to be insulting, but to me - if I heard a guy talk like this I'd do a quick fade. You're still dating right? That means you haven't been all that successful - like myself, unfortunately.

 

Anyway, I wish you luck.

[kaylan]

I don't know if you talk like this in real life, but you come off as impatient and very quickly judgmental. I don't mean to be insulting, but to me - if I heard a guy talk like this I'd do a quick fade. You're still dating right? That means you haven't been all that successful - like myself, unfortunately.

 

Anyway, I wish you luck.

Im dating by choice. Maybe if you read my post history, youd know I havent been looking for a stable girlfriend for very long.

 

And in real life I only analyze and do real talk with my closer friends or people I know wont get butt hurt by someone who isnt afraid to speak their mind. In regular dating I dont need to have analytical convos like this. Why? Because I cut off flaky women and save the analyzing for when me and my friends share dating stories.

 

So dont worry hun. I get mine.

[JourneyLady]

As long as you realize that the way you analyze things indicates the way you think about things. That any post would indicate a certain attitude about things (compassion or not, forgiveness or not, expectation or not) that carries over into real life whether it is visible to others or isn't. Eventually, in a relationship the attitudes in your thinking WILL show up, whether you wish them to or not. It can make or break a relationship - I found that out the hard way, and realized the ugliest thing about me was how selfish I was on the inside...

 

Is there a certain expectation on here that we have to read the posting history of everyone we respond to? If that's the case, I don't think I'll be responding much! There's too darn much to read, even in current posts!

 

Well, from your post, it seems you just wanted confirmation of what you already thought. You were given lots of reasons from several people as to what could be going on with the young lady, but seem to reject those suggestions.

 

I think most of us date by choice - no one I know is forced into it.

 

Im dating by choice. Maybe if you read my post history, youd know I havent been looking for a stable girlfriend for very long.

 

And in real life I only analyze and do real talk with my closer friends or people I know wont get butt hurt by someone who isnt afraid to speak their mind. In regular dating I dont need to have analytical convos like this. Why? Because I cut off flaky women and save the analyzing for when me and my friends share dating stories.

 

So dont worry hun. I get mine.

[kaylan]

And I want someone who shares my attitudes. Not a girl who doesnt communicate and texts me about bars and drinking whenever she decides to reply. Im not rejecting reality. Several people said its likely she isnt into it.

 

Its no biggie. Ima find better. Im already turned off. So its not like she can change that.

[MyPoutine]

The End.

 

.....lol

[miss_jaclynrae]

You are such a Drama queen that you are doing this gal a favor by freakig out over her not responding as quick as you would like. Ugh. Not only that but maybe if you would stop getting so darn defensive and actually listen to people's advice you would learn a thing or two.

[MrCastle]

How exactly is he overreacting though? For those that have chimed in here.

 

You tell him to call her, he already said, the purpose of texting her was to try and get a window of when he can call her and speak to her on the phone.

 

Her taking 8 hours to respond was off putting to him. She is entitled to do that just as he is entitled to feel that way.

 

You say not everyone is going to be on his communication wavelength, well not everyone is going to be on her communication wavelength. Maybe for her, taking 8-9 hours to reply to a simple text (when you have your phone on you all day) may work for some men, not for him, which goes back to my initial point in this thread, communication breakdowns are grounds for nexting someone.

 

He let her know it wasn't cool to him and that's that. He didn't try to strong arm her and say "you better text me back sooner if you want me around" or anything offensive/threatening like that.

 

He doesn't dig how she communicates, suspecting it's due to low interest, and he's moving on.

 

I would do the same thing in his position if I expected low interest. Life is too short to spend on people who are not 100% showing you interest.

Edited February 18, 2013 by MrCastle

[kaylan]

You are such a Drama queen that you are doing this gal a favor by freakig out over her not responding as quick as you would like. Ugh. Not only that but maybe if you would stop getting so darn defensive and actually listen to people's advice you would learn a thing or two.

Lol I wonder what I could learn from you....

 

[RebelWithoutACause]

This whole thread is like banging your head against a brick wall...

[Leigh 87]

I just did not think about it when I was online dating.

 

I kinds let my feelings dictate what I did next.

 

I met my current guy first; then I still met others in the week or two after I met my bf.

 

However, it became very clear that I could not hook up with more than one guy at a time.

 

I was too invested in getting to know one person, so eventually my contact with the rest ceased....

 

 

...I think your feelings will guide you.

 

Not wanting to talk to other girls seriously, because you like one girl too much, is not putting all your eggs in one basket...

 

It's not like it is serious in the early stages; if you get rejected, you do not sound likely to get "butt hurt" as you call it where you live ( I picked up this phrase from you and others on here, I never heard it in Aus!)

 

.....Worst case scenario: you take an interest in one girl, you like her too much to seriously consider other options; things go well, then she turns cold. You move on and avoid getting too hurt, seeing as you barly know her.

[Leigh 87]

And I want someone who shares my attitudes. Not a girl who doesnt communicate and texts me about bars and drinking whenever she decides to reply. Im not rejecting reality. Several people said its likely she isnt into it.

 

Its no biggie. Ima find better. Im already turned off. So its not like she can change that.

 

 

 

How about having the attitude: if it happens that will be great, but I am not expecting it at this point.

 

That way, you have not ruled her out, if she is actually into you?

 

You can still talk to others without getting too serious with your communication, and invest in a week or two on this one girl you actually like?

[johnnyk]

Hey Kaylan,

 

I'm just going to say this because it seems this thread has gotten absurdly dense (and funny). I'm on OKC too and through much frustration and uncertainty in my early months of meeting pretty ladies on there, I've learned to simply not have any expectations, not even the common decency to respond to you when you send a thoughtful communication. It makes a world of difference, and instead of wasting my thoughts and emotions on uninterested strangers who are as full of flaws as the next person, I've instead focused my energy on the nice, pretty ladies who actually wanted to meet up and talk and share some jokes. Human behavior is horribly complex and beyond most people's understanding. Trying to apply logic to it is futile.

 

Best of luck man.

[MidwestUSA]

I sure miss the days when my parents tried to get me to hang up the phone and sit down and write a letter

[kaylan]

How about having the attitude: if it happens that will be great, but I am not expecting it at this point.

 

That way, you have not ruled her out, if she is actually into you?

 

You can still talk to others without getting too serious with your communication, and invest in a week or two on this one girl you actually like?

Ill see what happens. We actually talked for 3 hours late last night. Like we click and really get and understand each other. However, I still have my doubts regarding some things she said, and by the behavior that started this thread. That being said, maybe Ill make a friend outta this if I decide not to do much with it all. We are planning to meet mid this week.

 

And then Im supposed to go out dancing this weekend with another girl. So itll be a fun week. No worries. Options and fun to be had. I actually kinda like both of the younger girls. I click with both of them. Regarding that older lady I mentioned in my OP...I prolly wont do anything there. That was more of a casual option based on her profile and the dialogue we had.

[clia]

This thread is hilarious.

 

Texting is going to be the death of dating. This immediate gratification perspective is just bizarre. It used to be perfectly acceptable to return a phone call within 24-48 hours -- because, you know, people have lives and are busy. I can't believe how many guys on this forum expect a woman they just met to drop everything and respond to a text within 38 seconds.

 

The fact that you are so bothered that it took her an hour and a half to respond to a text, and then several hours to respond to another text is a complete overreaction. I think even 8 hours is a perfectly fine response time. Not everyone checks their phones every 24 seconds to find out if someone has sent a text. Not everyone feels the need to immediately respond to a text that says "What's up?" I go hours without looking at my phone. It's not the center of my world. Perhaps she is the same way.

 

I mean, it's an hour and a half! What if she was at the movies?

[MrCastle]

This thread is hilarious.

 

Texting is going to be the death of dating. This immediate gratification perspective is just bizarre. It used to be perfectly acceptable to return a phone call within 24-48 hours -- because, you know, people have lives and are busy. I can't believe how many guys on this forum expect a woman they just met to drop everything and respond to a text within 38 seconds.

 

Wrong. No one is expecting 38 seconds, first of all. Second of all, yeah, calling 24-48 hours was acceptable before cell phones came about. We are connected to the world 24/7 now. We have the technology to call or text people at any point of the day.

 

Anyone who seriously believes this girl went 8+ hours without checking her phone is ridiculous. She got the text, read the text, then decided when she would text him back. He was not a high priority. I can almost guarantee she texted friends back during that window. Guarantee it. Most women are glued to their phones. I see them text even while they're working. That's the way this generation is. Instant gratification.

 

The problem most people have, OP and myself included, is how easy and fast it is to send a simple message, and how poorly some people are at texting despite that fact. She couldn't at any point during those 8 hours, bathroom break, lunch break, whatever, send something like "hey I'm busy at work but I'll get back to you later". How long would that take to type out? 15 seconds? She couldn't spare 15 seconds to answer a text? That's the problem he's having.

[Leigh 87]

Be carefull is all I can say - if you are into that girl you talked the phone, would she mind if you kissed another girl?

 

This is where things can get annoying!

 

I have been in this position....

 

Technically she should not really care if you date others, however; if you start to get really into this first 3 hour phone call girl, she may not want you if she knows you have kissed or been intimate with another girl.

 

Heck, my bf got mad at the fact I went on a DATE with another guy after I first met him... And I did not dance or kiss with this new guy!

 

 

......My values dictate that: I am not physically intimate with two people at one time.

 

My bf kissed a girl briefely that he was at a club with, a week after we met, but realised it was not for him.

 

I could look past kissing, but that is about all I could take from a guy I only just met.

 

You know - they have a right to get around and see what is out there, however; if they are that into you, they will soon realise they do not want to even consider anyone else.

It did not take my own partner very long to realise this, and it sounds like once your into a girl, you will quit dating others, which is good.

 

Lesson here? Don't go past kissing with the girl your going out dancing with! It may come back to bite you if you become more interested in the other chick....