New2Love4Now Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 So currently the girl that dumped me (long distance) believes that I'm mad at her for ignoring me and no longer contacting her out of spite. She hasn't told me this but I accidentally made it seem like this and I understand that this is extremely unattractive to a girl. The last time I contacted her she ignored me but that was because I stupidly brought up the past which she clearly doesn't want to talk about. A few days before this, however, we had a friendly conversation and reconciled. I've done No Contact for about two weeks, but it's really bothering me that she has this misconception of me and why I'm no longer contacting her. I feel like it's making it difficult for me to move on knowing that she doesn't know the truth. Should I not care what she thinks about me? Or should I try to send her a friendly message and explain things? I most likely would not get a response but I would know that she knows the truth. It seems like a minor setback in No Contact would be worth it in this case, but I'd appreciate some advice.
H3Drvr Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 She dumped you for whatever reason. Why do you think she deserves whatever truth you think she should know? If she really wants to know what's up, she'll contact you. Not sure what you think you will get out of contacting her since she's ignored you in the past.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Yeah, it doesn't matter what she thinks. If she was ignoring you, she doesn't deserve an explanation. Also, if you maintain the NC her feelings about why you are doing it might evolve from thinking you are doing it out of spite to thinking that you have actually moved on. The reason you don't contact her right now is because she is looking for any and all reasons to be annoyed with you. If you were contacting her she'd find you to be needy. So the best thing to do is not give her any ammunition in her mission to validate the breakup. Only way to do that is NC.
Author New2Love4Now Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Well, even though I don't want to admit it, deep down inside I still want this girl back. I also believe that she left me because of GIGS, as she fits the description in this forum very closely. I feel like if I leave her with a friendly message without mentioning the relationship it would greatly increase the chances of her coming back as opposed to her thinking that I'm immature and spiteful for being dumped. When we were together we contacted each other mainly through a shared google document so I'm thinking I could share the message with her without giving her any notification of it. In a way I'm just leaving the message for her and making it look like I don't care that much if she reads it or not. I can start the message with "I don't know if you'll ever see this message but..." In this way, if she sees the message it means that she cared enough to log into the account (which she only used to talk with me) and it will also look like i'm somewhat indifferent to her seeing it. There is also a very good chance that she will not see it for a long time.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Well, even though I don't want to admit it, deep down inside I still want this girl back. I also believe that she left me because of GIGS, as she fits the description in this forum very closely. I feel like if I leave her with a friendly message without mentioning the relationship it would greatly increase the chances of her coming back as opposed to her thinking that I'm immature and spiteful for being dumped. When we were together we contacted each other mainly through a shared google document so I'm thinking I could share the message with her without giving her any notification of it. In a way I'm just leaving the message for her and making it look like I don't care that much if she reads it or not. I can start the message with "I don't know if you'll ever see this message but..." In this way, if she sees the message it means that she cared enough to log into the account (which she only used to talk with me) and it will also look like i'm somewhat indifferent to her seeing it. There is also a very good chance that she will not see it for a long time. Really bad idea. As in really horrible. Nothing you say at this moment will bring her back. At this point of the breakup you can only drive her away, you can't bring her back. While NC is primarily for moving on, it's also to prevent you from a) making an ass out yourself in the immediate aftermath of the break-up (and in her opinion, anything you say will come off as an ass because she is looking for any reason she can find to confirm her decision as correct) and b) from overanalyzing and misinterpreting any and all communication from her. You are going to do what you are going to do regardless of what anyone in here says, but your thought process is completely wrong in this case. You aren't going to fool her with passive-aggressive contact.
Author New2Love4Now Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 That actually makes a lot of sense... sometimes I start to convince myself that contacting her is a good idea but I'm so glad I consulted with LS first. Thank you for saving me! Do you think that by making a fool of myself at first (with crying, pleading etc) and then making myself seem spiteful I have ruined any future chances with her? This is assuming that she is experiencing GIGS.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 That actually makes a lot of sense... sometimes I start to convince myself that contacting her is a good idea but I'm so glad I consulted with LS first. Thank you for saving me! Do you think that by making a fool of myself at first (with crying, pleading etc) and then making myself seem spiteful I have ruined any future chances with her? This is assuming that she is experiencing GIGS. I have no idea if you have any chance with her, but as long as you don't continue that behavior, it won't really matter. That's not to say that you have a good chance -- the odds are stacked against you -- but the normal begging, pleading crap won't matter as long as you don't continue it. 1
treezy Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I have a different take on this. Like I wrote on another post, I'm glad I broke NC and called him up because that gave me all the closure I needed. If you have something to say, then say it. After that, everything is up to the other party to deal with. You NC from there.
Author New2Love4Now Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Ahh now I'm not sure which to do. I won't make any moves yet because last time I did that I made things much worse. On one hand, I could let her know the truth, since she currently believes that I'm not contacting her out of anger at her for not wanting to speak to me and be with me. This would give me peace of mind in one way but create more anxiety in another way because I don't know if even contacting her again would just push her off the edge. Plus I'd be starting NC all over again. On the other hand, I could continue NC but would leave her with the notion that I'm bitter and angry, while my goal is for her to think I'm just indifferent, which I could potentially prove by explaining myself and then starting NC again. What to do...
treezy Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Be true to yourself. If you want to talk to her or say something, then do it. Worked for me. I have no regrets after calling my ex. That's my opinion though. Still up to you. Think it depends on whether you're trying to get back together or if you're just seeking closure.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Be true to yourself. If you want to talk to her or say something, then do it. Worked for me. I have no regrets after calling my ex. That's my opinion though. Still up to you. Think it depends on whether you're trying to get back together or if you're just seeking closure. I think he can make that same call/text/whatever in a few weeks and either a) get a more receptive ex or b) get a more complete closure.
Bando89 Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I think NC should be broken only for administrative stuff, i.e. I had to break it for a car fine we had to pay and I needed some informations...otherwise don't.
Author New2Love4Now Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Thanks to everyone for their input. Well since this was a LDR and I previously deleted her number from my phone so the only way I can contact her is through email or sharing a google document. I would definitely wait longer to contact her but I feel like it doesn't matter in this case because she may honestly never see the message or will see it in a long time (she only ever used the account for me and has no reason to log back in anytime soon) and I figure if she does log back in then she must care enough to see if I've contacted her. If she never logs back in then she obviously doesn't care and won't even know that I contacted her. That's why I feel it's better to do it sooner - so I can start NC again sooner and she won't think that I've been hung up on it for a long time if she does see the message. I hope I'm making sense.
Author New2Love4Now Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Be true to yourself. If you want to talk to her or say something, then do it. Worked for me. I have no regrets after calling my ex. That's my opinion though. Still up to you. Think it depends on whether you're trying to get back together or if you're just seeking closure. Did you your BU end on bad terms? And how long did you wait until contacting? I do want her back but I feel like my chances are terrible after how it ended, and all because of a misunderstanding too. I also don't know what kind of tone to use if I do message her (serious, cheerful, joking?) In the GIGS thread it says that the begging and pleading won't matter if you end on good terms, and that's my main goal right now.
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