Failing Relationship - Repairable or Doomed?

[HenryWinkler]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here, and I hate for it to be titled like this. Given that I don't personally know anyone who has been involved in a long distance relationship, nor seen one successfully through, I thought it would be best to ask others who might have some insight. Our relationship has gone south, and while I love her and have been working at identifying and trying to resolve the issues that are causing this, I don't feel that my partner is fully understanding that the road we are currently on will be toxic for both of us. Hopefully some of you kind folks can give some advice, and I understand that I'm only able to fully give my side of the story, but will try to be as honest and forthcoming as possible.

 

So, we met on a Sunday night, May 15, 2011. Neither of us was expecting anything, but we've spoken about it and we did both feel that there was something there early on. We talked and just carried on for a while, quite some while. We were going to exchange gifts that Christmas, and she made me an afghan. I've never used it, except in her company and with her, because I don't want to ruin it. It is special to me. I made a big mistake and lost her gift. I had gone out and spent my bottom dollar to get what I could afford at the time for her for Christmas along with a card. I've still not found them to this day, and I have been through everything I own since then. I did write her a letter and send it, and to this day I feel bad about that shortcoming on my part.

 

Fast forward a bit, and I had noticed that she was acting strangely, and asked if I was seeing someone. Admittedly, I was taking cues from her behavior and had become a bit distant because I thought that she was unhappy with the state of things and wanted an ending to hurt less. In this time she started dating someone else, and says that she didn't realize she was dating him. I recall her talking about hanging out with a friend, and spending more time with them lately. I also recall vividly sending a text to see what she was up to, just trying to talk and being told that she was at a friend's place drinking some wine on the couch. She had sex with him that night, after telling me this. This was in February 2012. I was made aware of this only after asking, jokingly, when the last time she went on a date was in November of 2012, but I will come back to this after covering the intermediate time.

 

Our relationship picked back up around June, and we were progressing well. I knew beyond a doubt that I loved her by now, though I had been thinking it for quite some time. As things were moving along we were planning to meet, for the first time, we were asking each other silly questions, and I decided to ask when the last time she went on a date was. (Yes, not much detail to cover in the intermediate.) This is where I found out that she had been seeing someone, and I have been greeted with three different excuses regarding this. I was very hurt, but in knowing that I love her, and after we talked about this until 5 in the morning, decided to continue in this relationship. The three excuses have been, "I didn't know we were dating," "I was drunk," and "I wasn't sure about us so I just decided to go ahead with what was in front of me." This was the point where I felt that my trust had been betrayed, and obviously I lost a lot of trust in her at this point. I was honest with her that I was going to act differently, and that trust would need to be earned back. Perhaps I am wrong in this, but that is simply how I felt, and still feel. I have been trying to move past this, but I will explain the hangups that aren't allowing me to as I continue.

 

Our first meeting was good, we spent a lot of time doing fun things, went out, checked out an art museum, we spent 5 days together. After this is when the trouble started. I've been noticing contradictions coming up when asking questions to her. She has developed a habit of saying that she is doing something, and later saying that she didn't do it. When we make plans for "long distance dates," there have been multiple occurrences of her canceling due to deciding on the day of that she is going to do something else or go out for drinks with a friend after I have cleared my night to spend time with her. These things happen, yes, but the straw that broke the camel's back for me was when she proposed a date and then canceled on me to go out and "chaperon" some her work staff at a happy hour with a recently terminated co-worker. I was informed of this just a couple hours before, and again had cleared my night to be able to spend time with her. I feel that, given these things that something is being withheld and that there is not a mutual respect here.

 

We have also been having any quality time or communication far less, and often the only times she is willing to actually have a conversation are dominated by her saying that she is sleepy and at the tail end of the day. I've expressed that I feel that it is disrespectful to cancel things and to not try to spend some quality time, but that is met only with chastisement for 'criticizing' her, and continued actions that aren't that of a lover. I've been trying to talk to her about the problems that our relationship is experiencing, but she dismisses it with "I'm trying and I love you and I don't mean to do that," while continuing to do these things. I'm worried about her accountability in this relationship at this point, and have been feeling hurt and depressed in this for the past few weeks.

 

Is it possible to repair a failing relationship when only one party is willing to face facts and try to see that the needs of the other are met? I truly love her, but I can't continue with a relationship that has made me feel physically ill and causes me to suffer daily. She has decided that she wants to pursue a PhD, which will put her paying on student loans into her mid 50s and result in no appreciable income gain due to field, and I know that this will cause there to be even less time and more debt that she would bring into any future that we might have together (currently sitting over $100k in student loans alone.) I apologize if this is turning more into a venting session, but these are concerns that I have that have been dismissed without any due consideration or intelligent discussion. Is this relationship as toxic as I suspect? Is this repairable? Did I leave out something that needs to be known?

 

I love her, but I'm starting to doubt that she is capable of being part of a healthy relationship and respecting a partner.

 

Any ideas?

Edited February 17, 2013 by HenryWinkler
removing an extra line due to having this in word processor

[acorn]

Hmm...it seems as if she may not take the relationship as seriously as you are. Have you said to her that you love her? If not, you should She may be feeling like there is no future for you which is a major case of concern in any long distance relationship. And I don't mean VISITING I mean one of you actually MOVING to be with the other You shouldn't do this unless the relationship is 100% serious obviously!

 

If the promise of a future for you two still doesn't stop her from being like this, and she does not want to discuss issues that you find important, then I think (and you won't like this) you two should maybe break it off... :/

 

If she refuses to listen to you and talk about these things then it shows that she is not mature enough and does not know what she really wants. She doesn't respect you. If you think something is important and worth discussing she should automatically see your point of view and agree to talk about it.

 

I think that her cancelling your dates is unacceptable... especially since they were planned! In a LDR you should go out of your way to spend time with that one special person. Not only is it polite because it was already planned, but you should WANT to. If she really wanted to have a Skype date or whatever she would do anything to make it, and since she didn't, she is not worth your time.

 

My honest advice is ditch her and find someone who is worth your time

[HenryWinkler]

Yeah, possibly living together has been discussed. She was made aware that I was fully committed to this relationship.

 

I appreciate your input, but would still like to see the thoughts of others (obviously.) I'm having serious doubts and concerns in this relationship, but I'm a pretty rational guy and would like to see what other unbiased people have to say as well. Thank you.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Henry, are you still talking to this girl?

 

I can tell you that if she were madly in love with you, she would go out of her way for you. She would be looking forward to spending time with you. From what I have read, her feelings are mild at best. I know a woman who cancels things like that. It used to get on my nerves, not anymore. Because I have learned not to trust what she says anymore. Planning a trip for Easter? Oh, nice... Then I set a deadline to confirm. That's when I get a text saying: "Oh, I saw the weather forecast. Bad weather. Not moving anywhere..."

 

That was just an example. But let's say that 3 times out of 4 anything gets cancelled. So I never take it seriously.

 

Anyway, if my boyfriend did that... I wouldn't get over it that easily... A very long discussion would follow... with the promise that it won't happen anymore, or he needs a very good reason to cancel. One thing I find unacceptable is if you gave your word that we're doing something on day X at X o'clock, you then don't promise someone else the same thing, be it your mother, aunt, boss, best friend, etc. Your first promise should come first. You have the rest of your life for anybody else, no need to cancel something that was previously planned. Unless you had to take someone to hospital in a hurry, had a bad accident, whatever. I mean: a very good reason.