A guy in limbo...

[Jenkins87]

First of all howdy everyone here at LoveShack!

I have been reading through quite a large amount of posts on here recently, as i am looking for some advice for the situation i am currently going through...

 

It is difficult to find accurate advice, or even get some from friends and family who genuinely mean well and want to help, however i feel like i am unable to paint the whole picture for them as they are either biased towards me or her, and the ones being neutral don't really know her or me that well...

 

I will try my best to paint this picture as short and direct as possible;

 

 

• We first met online approx 4-5 months ago, and have been dating and having a serious relationship since about 3 months ago.
  
• Since that time, we have enjoyed each others company, have had some really good times together and some average times together, but not once have we fought each other or said bad things to each other.
  
• Recently (2 weeks ago) she had to put her dog down because of a tumor in it's mouth, this devastated her, and as we haven't been going out for that long, i had/have no idea how she deals with grief.
  
• Previous to this, when we first noticed the dog getting worse (3-4 weeks ago), i started to feel like she was pushing me away, and a couple of times made the mistake of being hurt and offended by this
  
• When she made the call to put the dog down, i offered to meet her at the Vet, so i could comfort her and be there for her in this hard time, she didn't object to this, however deep down i realise now she probably didn't want me there, and i regret going to some extent.
  
• This is where i think i f**ked up... In the private waiting room with her and the dog, she was a mess, but i tried my best to sit on the floor with her, and comfort her even though i got the strong feeling that i was invisible to her, after the dog got the first injection to calm him down, she laid on the floor with him, crying immensely. During this time i heard the faint words "i just want to be alone with my dog" to which i replied "Would you like me to leave?". She nodded her head and i got the message she wanted space which is fair enough.
  
• This is when i leaned in, told her that i loved her and kissed her on the forehead, and left. To which i got a "you're smothering me" type of groan, which again, completely understandable.
  
• Since then, i have not seen her in person, nor have i been able to speak to her on the phone, just vague short text messages and FB messages.
  
• This has continued for approx 2 weeks now, and i have tried my hardest not to be smothering and not to be clingy and ask her how she feels every 2 seconds... Which is especially hard for me since it is in my nature to care for others almost more so than i care for myself
  

I should also point out that our relationship is different to others i have had in the past, i am the effeminate one and she is the strong willed, not touchy-feely one, which makes this even harder to get advice for....

 

Most advice and things i have read, have had an overwhelming response to just dump her and move on, but i think that is a bad idea as we do work well together, we share more than just 'interests' in common, and that there is potential for a long lasting relationship there, it's just i think i have said or done things that have been too fast for her, and i don't know how to proceed from here.

 

Should i apologise for being clingy even though overall i don't feel like i have been? Since the whole dog situation i didn't know how i should deal with it, so my natural response was to be caring and let her know that i am there for her... Which may ultimately be our undoing...

 

The only concise and detailed message i have gotten from her since then is "I have no idea what i want atm, i can barely keep it together. I don't like feeling smothered, I'm quite used to being alone. I need to figure it out"

 

I replied to this saying that i understand, and that i remembered how we had a similar conversation one of the first times i stayed at her place, told her that she is stronger and smarter than she gives herself credit for, and i care about her and that i was willing to wait for her.

I waited 4 days with no response, and i couldn't bare to wait any longer with NC, so i sent her a message asking how she was, in a nice and light hearted way "Hey good lookin how are we today?" to which i got a reply of "We? i'm just one person" which stung a bit but i kept the positive mood going and jokingly replied "Oh sorry i thought i was talking to #3 and #4 :P" And since then it's all been 1-2 word replies giving me the obvious message she doesn't want to speak to me

 

Lastly i should point out that both her and I have history of mental instability, while our history may be an easy finger pointing "theres your problem" sort of answer, i know that we are both intelligent and mature enough to get past the old BS of blaming mental instability for every issue.

 

I dunno wtf to do, i am trying my hardest to back off and give her space, but it makes it especially difficult when our relationship was full steam ahead right up until 3 weeks ago and it feels like she slammed on the brakes and i went flying out of the front window to smash head first onto the road...

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my short novel lol...

-Jenkins

[fancy feast]

I'd just stop talking to her. If she wants you, she'll let you know.

 

I don't really think you ****ed up, so don't over analyze anything.

[Jenkins87]

I'd just stop talking to her. If she wants you, she'll let you know.

This is what kinda bugs me, she isn't the sort of person to be outwardly affectionate, which is cool with me, i have tried the whole limited contact thing thus far and it doesn't appear to be working, i'm not sure NC will work any better, for the both of us...

 

I don't really think you ****ed up, so don't over analyze anything.

Hahaha... yeah i do feel that way too

I laugh because if you knew me well enough the last part of that sentence would be thrown out the window... I am an avid over-analyzer and so is she, it's actually one of the non-interest things we share in common... I have tried since childhood to let go of this part of myself but it is integrated into who i am, i think about the variables and the outcomes of **** wayyy too much, i can identify it, but i can't turn it off, it's apart of me, and no matter how hard i've tried to ignore it, the over-analyst in me comes roaring back at times like this...

[OJ loved Nicole]

Want to get her back?

 

There is no foolproof / guaranteed method to get someone to want to be with you, stay with you or to get them to come back.

 

1. Love is a choice.

 

2. People have free will.

 

3. You cannot beg, plead, convince, guilt, negotiate, threaten, manipulate, etc. someone to want to be with you.

 

4. All you can do is be yourself. Some people like who you are and some people won't.

 

5. Some people are looking / want to settle down and are actively pursing that. Others are just looking for / having fun, dating around, entering and leaving relationships, etc.

 

6. If someone does not know who they are, want they want or what love is... You can't tell them who they are, what they want and make them understand what love is.

 

Cut contact completely, you said you were going to do it before BUT THEN WENT BACK ON YOUR WORD. Either she realizes ON HER OWN that she wants you back or she doesn't. Either way it's ok, you don't pursue unavailable uninterested women.

 

i am the effeminate one and she is the strong willed, not touchy-feely one

 

I don't mean to bash your brains in, but I think you need it a little.

 

If women wanted to date/love/have sex with effiminate people, they would all be lesbians. Women want leaders, a "mans man" (read Setting the Tone in my signature). Cut that crap our right now!! You are responsible for training people on how to treat you. All you've taught her is: she can treat you as badly as she wants and you'll stick around like a needy/clingy/puppy dog.

[Jenkins87]

Want to get her back?

 

Cut contact completely, you said you were going to do it before BUT THEN WENT BACK ON YOUR WORD. Either she realizes ON HER OWN that she wants you back or she doesn't. Either way it's ok, you don't pursue unavailable uninterested women.

 

It's looking like this is the best option as this is the general gist of the advice i have received from friends and family as well.

 

I don't mean to bash your brains in, but I think you need it a little.

If women wanted to date/love/have sex with effiminate people, they would all be lesbians. Women want leaders, a "mans man" (read Setting the Tone in my signature). Cut that crap our right now!! You are responsible for training people on how to treat you. All you've taught her is: she can treat you as badly as she wants and you'll stick around like a needy/clingy/puppy dog.

 

Ok so, i read the Setting the Tone thread and while for the most part i agree with you, things always seem good in theory but in practice don't exactly work the way you plan...

 

First of all i should note that i'm an only child and single parent (mother) family for the majority of my life, so i had no alpha male around to actually teach me any of this, it's for the most part been self taught, and i struggle with it from time to time, but overall i believe i cannot change my core-self, only add to it and make it better...

 

I am happy with who i am, and the hard truth is if she can't handle that or doesn't want that then it's her loss and not mine. I am completely comfortable with the way i treat feelings and emotions, even though sometimes not comfortable with myself.

 

This relationship up until now has worked nicely, and although we haven't gone out of the house and done something that often (occasional trip to the beach etc) we have had alot of fun together and enjoy the company of one another.

Another mitigating factor is we both work FT, she is a head chef (horrible hours) and i am a full time computer technician/web developer, we are 2 very different people with a surprising amount of things in common, which is what bought us together in the first place.

 

I should also note while i am being completely honest, this is my first relationship in approx 7 years, and i am 25 so this is technically my first relationship as an independent adult. Which doesn't help with the foresight of this situation either, and another reason why i am hesitant to even seek advice, let alone take it onboard and go through with it.

That said, from now on, i will cut contact until she contacts me. (Haven't had contact for 2 days now, so technically from 2 days ago )

 

Thanks for the advice OJ

[fancy feast]

This is what kinda bugs me, she isn't the sort of person to be outwardly affectionate, which is cool with me, i have tried the whole limited contact thing thus far and it doesn't appear to be working, i'm not sure NC will work any better, for the both of us...

 

It's not really about whether it works or doesn't work. You've got your dignity, don't bend over backwards to try to please someone who won't communicate with you. If it were me, and things had gotten to this point, it would be on her to convince me that things will work.

 

 

Hahaha... yeah i do feel that way too

I laugh because if you knew me well enough the last part of that sentence would be thrown out the window... I am an avid over-analyzer and so is she, it's actually one of the non-interest things we share in common... I have tried since childhood to let go of this part of myself but it is integrated into who i am, i think about the variables and the outcomes of **** wayyy too much, i can identify it, but i can't turn it off, it's apart of me, and no matter how hard i've tried to ignore it, the over-analyst in me comes roaring back at times like this...

 

I say don't over-analyze, but there's not that much to go over. She went through a tough experience, you were there for her. You said it was a serious relationship, so I feel like that's expected.