Need insight..

[emma_green]

I have been married for 12 years and have kids. H & I do not have sex often, we are happily living like good friends, he do not have sex drive and is too stressed with work. First couple of years after marriage were great then it became once in a month thing and from past 2 years it has been once in a year thing. I love him and he loves me but we don't do it, in fact we sometimes sleep in different rooms.

 

If I try to seduce him he remains very cold and makes me feel very undesirable. Honestly, I try because I have needs, I do not feel as attracted towards him as I sometimes feel towards other men. I fantasize about men that are around me in some way and are nice & friendly to me. Now its not a big number of them! In past 5-6 years I have had serious crush on 3 of them.

 

The 3rd and current crush happens to be employee of a company that my company is dealing with and he is not my point of contact but we meet sometimes. We know each other from last 1.5 years and it was crush at first sight for me but I never let it show. I did not fantasize about having sex with him ever. I just admired how good looking and mature he is and have wished that H were something like him.

 

Now the problem:

OM used to give me causal complements, like, looking smart today, very clever response, you are very witty etc. . Now, 4 months back we both had to go on 3 day conference. Because we knew each other quite well we were mostly together and I think I made it a bit obvious that I liked him and at conf his compliments were a bit strong as well, like, you look very attractive, your smile is a killer and so on. On 2nd night we had a bit too much of drinks before dinner, I thought I was high and to avoid any embarrassment decided to go to bed early, he offered to walk me to my room and I stumbled couple of times on my way so he had to hold me by my arms. The moment I entered the room he kissed me, I told him to get out and he kissed again. I walked out of the room and said ..out, he went out, I went in and locked the door. I could no longer feel drunk and was taken aback.

 

Bigger problem:

I was shocked but instead of feeling offended or bad, I felt a like a dream came true!! I knew its an evil feeling in me and is not right! HE is not right!. But the good me was gone for a toss. I kept thinking about the mesmerizing kiss. In the morning when I saw him I could not look into his eyes and I was hoping he will feel sorry but he behaved as if he did nothing wrong. Through out that day I went through mixed feelings, in the evening I thought, I will just let him kiss me (if he did) one more time while we are both here..away from routine world. So I went up to him and said we need to talk in privacy, he asked me where do you want to go, I said not ok in my room, how about your room (silly!). So we were there and this time I questioned his previous night act, he said he always had a thing for me and as I came across he felt feeling was mutual. To cut the long story short after a long conversation I told him I liked him too and we kissed again and had a few intimate moments.

 

He was without the breaks ,a lot of foreplay but we did not have sex. I stopped him and he begged for it but I left from there.

 

I thought about what I promised myself, 1 more kiss and that's it. What I did with him was more than a kiss. I came back home, looked at H and thought all this happened because I was emotionally vulnerable. Ever since then I am trying to put more effort into our marriage. I told OM to never try to contact me again and I told H about everything that happened. H was disconnected for 2 days and then came back saying that we need to make it work. We had sex 3 times that month, but none after that!! I think we are back on old track.

 

AND:

I am not able to throw that foreplay out of my mind. It was a great kiss and there was a lot of passion. I am convinced that H can never kiss me like that and not every man can be so passionate. Many times I fantasize about him and I feel great about it. Sometimes I sleep alone so that I can think about him in my own space.

 

 

H & I are great team except sex part! The passion is gone out of marriage. Can I do anything permanent about it? Now for that we have already done counselling couple of years back, everything helps short term for a week or so and then its all back to normal, as the talk fades away. Physical need..as I am making it sound is not as big a deal for me, if H can only make me feel wanted and we cna do it once a month, I guess I will be ok. But that kiss I feel liek I want several times in a day!!!

 

This is not healthy right? Please don't tell me I need therapy..what I am looking for is the answer!! Is it normal to fantasize so much about someone? I am not in love or anything like that right?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

You have to keep talking to your husband and not let it just go back to the way it was.

 

Put yourself out there and tell him how you feel. Tell him when he doesn't respond, it makes you feel unwanted.

 

Stress from work is just an excuse. Could be valid once in a while, but not 364 days a year.

 

You have to make a big deal out of this and keep it up until you get it resolved, one way or the other.

[Darren Steez]

Think of it like this, and not to flame on you but..

 

You still fantasize about this man, you compare him to your husband. Your husband knows this, even though he may not be as affectionate to you, you still cheated on him and still carry a desire for this man. So really even when your husband tries to be affectionate, OM is in the back on his mind as OM is in the back of yours.

 

You already cheated and make no bones about it you will cheat again.

 

Therapy maybe needed to get everything out in the open from your husband's part..and yours. But the damage may already have been done.

[BetrayedH]

I don't have the big picture answer about your marriage as your H is really the key to this and he's not here to post.

 

But I will say that you need to stop giving your OM space in your head. Frankly, it's easy to find passion with someone new. Quit entertaining that option. And comparing that passion to your long-term partner is patently unfair. He cannot possibly compete with a fantasy. And to be perfectly honest (speaking as a man), it's very easy to fake that emotional passion with a woman that clearly is desperate enough for an emotional connection that she'll give up some sex to get it. Your OM saw an opportunity with an affection-starved woman at a work conference and took advantage of it. This isn't exactly the stuff of princes and princesses. I'm sure he enjoyed bragging to his buds about it. Let go of that fantasy 'cause that's all it is.

 

Normally I would encourage you to give your husband an ultimatum about restoring intimacy in your marriage but seeing as you have been the wayward here, that seems pretty inappropriate. I hope others come along with better counsel on that. My $.02 would be to stop giving any headspace to fantasy kisses from other men. You need to be dealing with the one real man that has chosen to stay with you despite your infidelity. It may take a long time and a lot of remorse from you for him to shed his mental images of another man groping all over his willing wife and they may never go away completely.

[RainDown]

This is not healthy right? Please don't tell me I need therapy..what I am looking for is the answer!! Is it normal to fantasize so much about someone? I am not in love or anything like that right?

 

Yes, it's normal to fantasize. Yes, it's healthy to have the desire for sex, for passion, for attention. No, you are not in love.

 

You are a young, healthy woman with an appetite for sex, attention, affection and passion. That is not a problem. The fact that you are in a relationship that satisfies none of those needs is a problem. If you want that problem to go away then you need to do whatever it takes to make that problem go away. I don't know how to solve that problem, but I do know that getting those needs met by another man outside your marriage is not it. That action will do nothing but cause additional problems, so that is probably not the way to go.

 

You need to clearly state the problem to your husband and ask him to join you in solving it. The fact that you have already cheated, and your husband has been informed you have already cheated, has added a whole new level of problems to the one you had in the first place, unfortunately. That will need to be addressed as well. I know you don't want the "go to therapy" advice, but you probably will have to - if for no other reason that you have very poor boundaries around other men. You probably should fix that pronto - before you get yourself into even more trouble.

 

As for the other man, no you are not in love with him. He is simply the object you are currently focusing your needs and desires on. He means nothing other than an outlet for your unmet needs.

 

My advice? Shore up your boundaries - no fantasizing about other men, no making out with other men, no personal conversations with other men, no crushing on and lusting after other men. Use that energy to get your relationship straight with your husband. Hopefully you can create a marriage that meets your needs for sex, attention, excitement and desire. You're probably going to need some professional help to make that happen, but I think it's worth a try. It sounds like you have a decent marriage worth saving, but you need to pull yourself together and focus on fixing the problem. Get your husband on board and do not give up after a few days or weeks. That cycle needs to stop. Make a plan and stick to it.

 

You've been in an essentially sexless marriage for a long time and that is not going to change overnight. You're gonna have to work at it.

[KathyM]

I would suggest seeing a licensed sex therapist with your husband. He/she will help you get your sex life back on track. There is a reason your husband's sex drive is so low. Either it's low testosterone, or your husband needs training in the art of lovemaking because it is not satisfying to him or to you. A licensed sex therapist will teach without engaging in any physical contact with your husband. He/she will teach both of you how to better connect sexually with each other. A sex therapist is not a sex surrogate, but he/she educates and talks to a couple in working out their sexual attraction/performance issues.

 

I would also suggest you quit your job. You've crossed the line, and any further contact with him is going to be a big temptation and is too likely to result in further inappropriate contact with your coworker. You also need better boundaries in your marriage to protect it. You crossed the line first of all by drinking and getting drunk while with your coworker whom you were attracted to. Then you let him in your room. And you were giving him obvious signals that you were interested before this ever happened. You need to learn to shut down those feelings of attraction for other men and focus your desire/sexual interest on your husband, and he needs to learn to be receptive to your interest. You have a lot to work on with your sexual relationship with your husband. Call a licensed sex therapist as your first action.

[Jonah]

Life will get disappointing. For you, for me. Long stretches of yearning for love does get frustrating. Yearning to be desired yet your mate is incapable. unhealthy. Yes. And such a waste. You can dwindle away the years until you are no longer interested. Become bitter at the topic of affection and sex. Or leave and start a new life... One which will have new challenges yes, but you will be free to allow yourself to be desired. Waste not another day.

[Act Two]

I echo other posts saying you need MC; counseling to address the lack of sex in your marriage. Please address that problem in your marriage so that you are not tempted to cheat again. It is valid to want sex in your marriage, but not ok to go looking for that need to be fulfilled elsewhere.

 

I hope your husband is able to forgive you and that you are able to reconcile. Having a sexless marriage is not okay though either- it is definitely worth working on with your husband together. If you are not able to figure that out together, then you are going to have to get professional counseling to address that.

[Just a Guy]

Have you considered divorce? Can you talk to your husband about divorce? Maybe he would realize how serious things are for you if you do discuss divorce because it is so final. Tell him that rather than your getting tempted to cheat behind his back that you would like to be free to pursue a new relationship with some one who would have the passion that is missing in your marriage. Thinking about divorce will also be a wake up call for you as it will make you re-evaluate holistically, the pros and cons of your marriage. If you think that you cannot even dream of divorcing your husband then forever forget about getting passionate kisses from other men as that would constitute cheating and your husband may be the one to initiate divorce! Just think about it.