fortyninethousand322 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 After two years of hanging out in the wilderness, I have finally some (albeit small) success to report. I finally got a response on a dating site, and a phone number. There's only one problem: she added me on facebook and I looked over some of her photos (she had only one "shoulder up" photo on the dating site) and let's just say that the full bodied photos aren't very flattering (they even make her face look bad). We have a few things in common though (but not a whole bunch) so I'm willing to go ahead and try to arrange a get together and see how things shake out. But, I feel really really guilty about not being as attracted to her after seeing her more detailed photos. I feel terrible about complaining that nobody gives me a shot and here I am complaining. Like a starving person complaining about being given a McDonald's cheeseburger instead of filet mignon. I sicken myself. Like I said though, I'm willing to see what happens. Perhaps those just aren't very good photos, perhaps we'll get together and there won't be any attraction on her part, who knows. But I can't help but feel lousy and negative towards myself. Like, who am I to think I'm "better" or more attractive than someone else? If I was really able to get someone better, why haven't I?
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 Get off OLD, seriously. I'd love to. Where do you get dates then? I'm usually extremely scared of most women in real life.
StanMusial Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 If you are average looking, like myself, it is better to network with anyone you know and tell them you are single and looking. I was kind of embarrassed about it at first but I don't really care any more. When I was younger it was never a problem meeting girls. I don't know how old you are, but when you pass thirty and get more involved in your career it gets harder and harder to find single women. I tried OLD to find someone close to my age and after six months or so I realized it was more or less a scam. Unless you are good-looking you don't stand a chance with anyone you would like. Not everyone feels this way, but I would rather be rejected right in my FACE than spend hours and hours trying to get girls to respond online. I literally do not have the time or patience for that. LOL 1
ThaWholigan Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Some people aren't photogenic. I often joke that I'm much better looking in real life . But anyway, don't be guilty, attraction isn't necessarily within our sphere of complete control, it happens. It's fine. I'm also in admiration of your wish to see where it goes regarding attraction - you are at a stage where you are trying to figure out exactly how attraction works for you so having a closer look isn't necessarily a bad thing - although generally I would advise people usually if they aren't attracted then pursuit isn't required. Don't worry about it though. 2
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 If you are average looking, like myself, it is better to network with anyone you know and tell them you are single and looking. I was kind of embarrassed about it at first but I don't really care any more. When I was younger it was never a problem meeting girls. I don't know how old you are, but when you pass thirty and get more involved in your career it gets harder and harder to find single women. I tried OLD to find someone close to my age and after six months or so I realized it was more or less a scam. Unless you are good-looking you don't stand a chance with anyone you would like. Not everyone feels this way, but I would rather be rejected right in my FACE than spend hours and hours trying to get girls to respond online. I literally do not have the time or patience for that. LOL I'm 24 almost 25. I have never met women through my social network. I suppose I could come right out and say I'm looking. But I figure if any of my friends knew any single women I'm likely to have met them already. I could be wrong on that though...
StanMusial Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I'm 24 almost 25. I have never met women through my social network. I suppose I could come right out and say I'm looking. But I figure if any of my friends knew any single women I'm likely to have met them already. I could be wrong on that though... When I was your age I was hanging out with groups that included guys and girls. It just seemed to be a more natural and organic way of meeting people. I'll give an example of how I met my girlfriend of one year when I was 25 or 26. I met up with my friends at a block party sort of thing they do in my town on Fridays at happy hour during the summer, with bands and beer and all that. Well we were just all walking around and mingling and my buddy stopped and was talking to this cute girl. I walked over and it was a girl he knew from work. I knew my buddy wasn't hitting on her because he had a gf (now his wife) and she was there (and he wasn't like that anyway). He introduced us and I took it from there. That was over 10 years ago, before Facebook and OLD and all this crap. I am really starting to wonder if there hasn't been a fundamental shift (for the worse) in how people socialize. Back to my example: If that girl had been on POF, she would literally be getting 100 emails per day. I would not have a chance. LOL. The girl I am seeing now? She would've totally ignored me online I GUARANTEE it.
Archgirl Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 The guy I'm seeing had terrible pics up, but heaps of personality. Now that I've met him because he makes me laugh, doesn't let me push him around, gives amazing hugs and is the type of guy who is besotted with his daughter and rescues stray cats I think he's gorgeous. Don't feel guilty, just meet her and see what happens. 1
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 When I was your age I was hanging out with groups that included guys and girls. It just seemed to be a more natural and organic way of meeting people. I'll give an example of how I met my girlfriend of one year when I was 25 or 26. I met up with my friends at a block party sort of thing they do in my town on Fridays at happy hour during the summer, with bands and beer and all that. Well we were just all walking around and mingling and my buddy stopped and was talking to this cute girl. I walked over and it was a girl he knew from work. I knew my buddy wasn't hitting on her because he had a gf (now his wife) and she was there (and he wasn't like that anyway). He introduced us and I took it from there. That was over 10 years ago, before Facebook and OLD and all this crap. I am really starting to wonder if there hasn't been a fundamental shift (for the worse) in how people socialize. Back to my example: If that girl had been on POF, she would literally be getting 100 emails per day. I would not have a chance. LOL. The girl I am seeing now? She would've totally ignored me online I GUARANTEE it. Yeah. I mean I hang out with my friends and stuff so I'm not a loner type of person but I've never had that experience where there was some girl at a get together or party we were all at. Just last night we were hanging out for my friend's birthday and the only women with us were wives or girlfriends. So I don't know. Even when I do meet women (like in the basketball league I was in) I have no idea what to say or do or anything. I end up acting aloof as a default fallback mode. I feel stupid for trying OLD. I guess I just do it out of habit.
ascendotum Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 That was over 10 years ago, before Facebook and OLD and all this crap. I am really starting to wonder if there hasn't been a fundamental shift (for the worse) in how people socialize. Back to my example: If that girl had been on POF, she would literally be getting 100 emails per day. I would not have a chance. LOL. The girl I am seeing now? She would've totally ignored me online I GUARANTEE it. This aspect was a negative for me as well. It hit me when there were 5 of us (guys) talking in the pub about our experience with OLD and all us admitted we would not have found a woman as good as our last ex or current gf online. I'm also with you, about how it was easier to meet girls mid 20s because there was still a lot of socializing going on then (music gigs, bbqs, piss up parties, clubbing, dinner parties, etc). If a guy is already having trouble IRL, I just don't think OLD is going to be his saviour (though it depends on his expectations) 2
KungFuJoe Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Op, Do yourself a favor...don't even bother dating this woman. Trust me...you'll be wasting your time and HERS.
StanMusial Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 This aspect was a negative for me as well. It hit me when there were 5 of us (guys) talking in the pub about our experience with OLD and all us admitted we would not have found a woman as good as our last ex or current gf online. I'm also with you, about how it was easier to meet girls mid 20s because there was still a lot of socializing going on then (music gigs, bbqs, piss up parties, clubbing, dinner parties, etc). If a guy is already having trouble IRL, I just don't think OLD is going to be his saviour (though it depends on his expectations) Exactly. I sort of jumped into POF on the advice of a friend who is on there, she likes it. I've actually read up on OLD more after I quit than before. That's how I found this forum actually. LOL boy I could've saved myself some frustration.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Op, Do yourself a favor...don't even bother dating this woman. Trust me...you'll be wasting your time and HERS. What do I do, pretend she doesn't exist anymore? Just ignore her? I wasn't necessarily trying to start a relationship with her or anything, I figured meeting up wouldn't hurt anyone. Or am I wrong on that? I just don't want to be a jerk or anything? I genuinely feel bad that I'm not attracted to her.
Archgirl Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 If you really don't want to meet her, tell her your really sorry but some you've had a couple of dates with has asked you to be exclusive while you get to know each other and you'd like to give them a chance. Makes it not about her and there's little to feel rejected by. 1
KungFuJoe Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 What do I do, pretend she doesn't exist anymore? Just ignore her? I wasn't necessarily trying to start a relationship with her or anything, I figured meeting up wouldn't hurt anyone. Or am I wrong on that? I just don't want to be a jerk or anything? I genuinely feel bad that I'm not attracted to her. Well...how attractive is she to you? Is there ANY attraction at all or absolutely none?
ascendotum Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I just don't want to be a jerk or anything? I genuinely feel bad that I'm not attracted to her. Did you contact her first off, and told how you thought you both could be a good match because of those things you had in common? If you instigated the connection, then it does look at little bad doing a sudden u-turn on her, though you not obligated to her or will ever meet her to feel embarrassed. You could go along for a date for the experience and then just end it with a 'just not feeling the chemistry' line, if you really don't feel that way. You could say how you just went on a date with another girl you met online and how you got to really like her and don't want to lead any other girls on while you you see how things work out with this other girl.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Did you contact her first off, and told how you thought you both could be a good match because of those things you had in common? If you instigated the connection, then it does look at little bad doing a sudden u-turn on her, though you not obligated to her or will ever meet her to feel embarrassed. You could go along for a date for the experience and then just end it with a 'just not feeling the chemistry' line, if you really don't feel that way. You could say how you just went on a date with another girl you met online and how you got to really like her and don't want to lead any other girls on while you you see how things work out with this other girl. I was merely commenting on KungfuJoe's suggestion that I not date this girl. I was wondering to what extent he thought I should not bother with her. I may, or may not take his advice. This thread is mostly about the guilt I feel about not being attracted to her upon seeing more photos. Prior to that I felt like she was a fairly attractive woman who sounded interesting. A "perfect match"? No. But who is? I feel like I don't have the right to say "I don't find her attractive", because considering my lack of success (not just on dating sites, in real life as well) I should find her attractive. So I feel torn in many ways.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Well...how attractive is she to you? Is there ANY attraction at all or absolutely none? Based on the photos, little to no physical attraction. The other side of the coin of course is that I don't know much about her personality, mannerisms, how I interact with her, etc. All of which can make someone attractive even if they're not aesthetically appealing. At least that's how it works with me. 2
ascendotum Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 "because considering my lack of success (not just on dating sites, in real life as well) I should find her attractive" Sorry no. I don't agree with this at all. Sure you can be more flexible on your expectations because of lack of success, but obviously you have gone past this point because of how you feel. Personality + common interests + similar outlook on life + sexual attraction is ideally what you want to get, and you want to feel passionate about the love of your life. Some people can replace sexual passion with just love + affection, some cant. I understand why you feel bad you now see her in a different light (hey its not like women are not judging you), but don't be guilted into doing something you have no enthusiasm for. Its a waste of her time & emotions in the long run, unless her profile also said looking for friends.
KungFuJoe Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Based on the photos, little to no physical attraction. The other side of the coin of course is that I don't know much about her personality, mannerisms, how I interact with her, etc. All of which can make someone attractive even if they're not aesthetically appealing. At least that's how it works with me. Little to none? Move on. Seriously...there has to be SOME physical attraction. Not saying she has to be a 10 in your eyes, but there's gotta be SOME. And yes, personality can help...a LOT. But there's gotta be SOMETHING there otherwise you're just friends. My first gf...she wasn't the hottest thing around...actually not even my type. But there was some attraction...she was definitely cute. But she was a lot of fun and very easy going and that's what led me to become attracted to her. But there HAS to be SOMETHING.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Good news everyone. Apparently this is no longer a problem. I guess I feel happy about that?...
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Yeah good thinking.dont judge her for something stupid. and it's a date so no obligations. But dont treat her bad. If u really not interested be honest. Dont waste peoples time. and maybe you still single causr you to busy with looks.instead of the womans personality That's certainly a possibility. Maybe I am too concerned with looks. I honestly don't know. I don't think I am, but obviously I'm biased. Usually, I try to stay away from the prototypical "beautiful" girls because they are usually selfish or stuck up, etc. But, that doesn't mean that the girls I am interested in aren't "out of my league" so to speak. Like I said, I don't know. I was willing to give this girl a chance because I'm pretty much willing to give most people a chance unless there's something glaringly off about them.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 And I think you should chat a while and then call A while etc. Before going to meet. So you can have a idea and see if there is a conection. Well, it doesn't matter anymore now anyway. She changed her mind. I'm sure she didn't read this thread. But maybe....
Anela Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Well, it doesn't matter anymore now anyway. She changed her mind. I'm sure she didn't read this thread. But maybe.... I've wondered if anyone I've spoken to lurks or posts here. I kept thinking about this one guy, but his huge beard really put me off - I don't like them, and it reminded me of my sister's boyfriend (husband, now). She might not have read here. Something could have seemed 'off' in any communication you had with her.
Archgirl Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 But that's silly, that just means that you're avoiding the women you're actually attracted to! And honestly, if you connect with an attractive woman because if her personality, are interested in her individuality, most of the time you'll find she's just a person who wants to be liked for who she is, just like anyone else.
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