BarbecueMan666 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 (edited) Hi there, Been a pretty frequent poster here over the last month, but the last few days have been almost harder than any before. I'm a male, 23 years old - Soon to be moving to to San Fran. My ex was 3.5 years older than me. Studying to be an Opera singer and a mini Youtube celebrity - Used to be very popular but quit to pursue school, as her bf at the time didn't support her youtube lifestyle. My first love came at 20, I was young, living in Germany - we dated for 2 months and I was highly infatuated with her in no time at all. She seemed to take me in very easily, but then distanced herself in no time at all, and eventually ended it. It was one of those "ok let's end it" "ok" scenarios, for her to then kiss me again and said let's give it another try. A week later she dumped me, and listed a lot of horrible qualities about me and broke me down. This time my relationship was far more serious. After dating this girl for almost 1.5 years, we had talks of children, marriage you name it - she's studying to be an opera singer in LA and is doing well. (I live in Phoenix). She initially moved from Oregon to be with me in Phoenix for 6 months before school started. Things were great, we had a tiff one time that all stemmed out of spending wayyyyyyy too much time together, but rekindled a few days later and were great again. Time went by, she ended up moving to LA - we stayed in contact frequently via skype every day, and made visits to see each in person other every 2-3 weeks. Things were still good. Things gradually got worse, she messaged less, couldn't show as much attention and gradually just distanced herself I suppose. Then when we hung out it wasn't so much about us loving each other, I could send her not being herself, Not truly wanting to open up to me anymore. This kind of feeling resulted in her telling me she doesn't see things working on Halloween. For the next 2 weeks, things were tough, but I eventually convinced her things can work, and I visited frequently. We had nice times, I got to see her perform in an opera, and perform at miss Oregon USA (she didn't win but came top 10) - I comforted her on every occasion, was a nice caring boyfriend and I guess became quite frivolous at this moment in time, which I never really was before. I gave her quite a lot of money over the course of our relationship, which wasn't smart - but I saw it as a way of gaining her affection. December came, we met on multiple occasions in november/early december - and every moment I had mixed feelings. I loved this woman, But I felt her moving away from me emotionally. We were so open at one point in time, more than I've been with anyone so instantly, and her too - (she had big secrets, she even told me some of them the first time we met that she hadn't told anyone, even her best friend whom is actually one of my housemates). So with her being cold and distant at times, she also occasionally showed me a lot of love, the whole hot and cold fiasco was in full swing. Before Christmas she came to a tournament of mine that I was playing in. Before the tournament all she wanted to do was make me feel good. We made love multiple times, went out for food and came back together. Things were great. The tournament went on and problems occurred. Can't remember about what now, but I remember her seemingly acting depressed about a lot of stuff. Christmas came, we had fun - we spent 2 weeks together, 1 week into it I read a text on her phone (the first time I ever ever checked anything of hers) - her phone bleeped on my desk while she was out with my phone (silly story, her phone died so used mine to shop for christmas presents for me) - and I charged it up, to receive a text from a guy. He was a friendzone guy obviously in love with my ex, but she told him things she never told me such as "I need to break up with BarbecueMan666". I told her the next day I saw it, and things were weird - we got over it and time went by and we had some fun. We were still having sex and being intimate, but I could tell that a lot of her time was spent being distant, not wanting to open up to me as often as she used to. Her last night at mine, new years day she asked if I was happy with her, I answered not really - and I guess at the time, comparing the "now" and the "before" I wasn't really that happy with her. She wasn't as pleasant a person as before, disregarded my feelings and other peoples, and was generally pretty miserable with me. She could go from one end of the spectrum to the other in regards to happy/sad - and I couldn't really keep up. - At times I'd feel so neglected that I didn't know how to handle it. The breakup itself wasn't bad, but we didn't really have much of a talk about it. "I don't see it working" - was pretty much all I got, and at the time I was Ok with this as an explanation. This being my first SERIOUS relationship and such I just didn't really know how I'd handle it further down the line. Initially I was totally fine, she seemed more upset than I did. The relationship ended reasonably amicably and that's how I saw it. We weren't horrible to each other, slept in the same bed and I hugged her as she cried a little and we fell asleep after talking a very brief amount, she said she could return the necklace I got her for christmas but I said keep it. She also asked me not to win a tournament right away, as she doesn't want people to think it was her holding me back, and I told her not to date a relatively famous guy I know, because that would suck - was kinda jokey and silly, those kind of things. Morning after was extremely odd, she didn't really want to talk at all, and just wanted to get out of the house asap. I gave her a hug before she left, and my friend took her to the airport (I don't drive). He arrived back and just told me she's not a very nice person, was inconsiderate and I am better off without, without me even really saying much. She said I was too frugal, didn't see us working due to previous breakups we had and that was pretty much it. For the next week I was pretty fine, Thoughts of her were on my mind, I could even look at pictures without a sting, but then one day my housemate (her best friend) played some games with her online and streamed it. I listened as she sits right beside me and the result was heart wrenching. She was doing super fine - straight A's in grad school, cut her hair in a new cool style and was just seemingly doing very well. After the stream was over, I went upstairs to try and sleep, with the conversation still happening in private downstairs. I only heard our mutual friends point of the conversation - her saying things like "oh atleast it's what you both wanted" - (she recently got married so showed her the wedding photos where we both attended) - showed her some really cute photos of us and said something like "well atleast it's something you can cherish" etc. I couldn't help but listen in, and it made things worse. A few days went by and I messaged to just say the breakup didn't go as I planned, I hope she's doing well and I'll always care for her. She responded by saying yeah she felt it was weird I didn't go to the airport with her, as she didn't know when she'll ever see me again. Will always care for me too but feels good about parting ways - will talk in a few months. Days passed by and I messaged a very cute girl, who just so happened to know whom I was and admired me. I ended up sleeping with this girl which was one of the worst experiences of my life. For a few days I felt great having this girl show me affection online or via text. Once it came to physical contact - nothing felt as good. I felt guilty, I compared everything and I felt embarrassed and ashamed of myself. While physical compliments from this girl were awesome, and she was very attractive, I felt she was nothing compared to my ex. (I know this is a normal feeling, that your ex is the most beautiful thing ever, but holy crap did I land a 10 in that department.) After that happened, I tried to write her a message just asking for closure, in which she responded "I don't want to be with you. I've been really happy since making the decision." - Obviously devastated, I deleted her photos and didn't say anything harsh or nasty, and never really have to this girl. This was around the 20th of January, a few days before my birthday on the 24th. I went back home to England and saw my family, my father helped a lot talking with me a lot, and I was a broken man. I didn't have any friends in England at the time and was extremely lonely. I returned to America start of February, and started working a lot, and working out. Things seemed to be getting better. But I still had hope... 13th Came and I woke up with a message on facebook - Hi I need to let you know that I have a video coming out tomorrow that might be sensitive for you. It's about relationships, and it would seem like it relates to you and us, but it doesn't at all. [Friends name] wrote it and it's just about relationships in general, and it's all for the sake of comedy. I just wanted to let you know, so you wouldn't have to wonder or worry. I sincerely hope you are doing well. I didn't reply immediately, I watched the video the next day as I always loved them despite them being silly, mainly for the reason that I knew she enjoyed it so much but this was tough. She was dressed more sexual than she's ever been before - in fish nets and a short dress, along with her new hair style - the song was about breakups. She was intimate with this guy in the video, be it him rubbing his face up to her cheek or her rubbing a rose petal on her lips while almost kissing him. It was really really hard. The viewers on the video weren't very high, a few thousand - and to be honest the song was not that enjoyable, even if I wasn't emotionally involved. She looked gorgeous and it hurt to see her looking so good. Given we were a mini internet celebrity couple (I mean very mini) - a few people saw it as mean and a way of jabbing at me and commented so. I know she reads the comments, and I'm not sure how that makes me feel. Anyhow, I didn't want to respond initially, but the next day went by and again, another video was released. (She'd been busy) - Again, I didn't really think it was good at all, but again, she looked great in it. She tweeted at some of our mutual friends with a lot more followers than her (she has roughly 5-6k where as My friends and I have 30-50k). And they retweeted (I have her unfollowed, but saw the tweets for both times she released videos - the mutual friends are people I live and work with). I felt so ****ty, it really ruined my day. When we were together I did everything I could to get her videos out there and public, and I feel I helped her image A LOT. - Sometimes sponsored videos would crop up, and for every 10000 views let's say you'd make 300 dollars. Money was tight for her and I managed to advertise her videos getting all my friends to help and some of her videos would get 40-50k views. We wouldn't share the money, she didn't actually think I helped that much. (her most recent 2 videos she released have received 3000 views and 1000 views thus far.) When we broke up - Her last video hit 100k views - I advertised it a lot, and Russell Crowe Ended up tweeting it, and the viewers climbed and climbed - it was a good video. But the fact her latest video was so flirtatious and dressed so sexually, it made me sad, despite the viewer count being low. I ended up buckling and responded initially with "Thanks for the heads up." To her message. I probably shouldn't have said anything on Hindsight, but then later on in the day I took it a step further... "I wrote You're a lovely lady [Lady in question] and after seeing your video I was appreciative you wrote to me beforehand. I didn't link it to us, but I see how I could have without you saying so otherwise." "I loved your videos before I met you, and I'm happy you found new people to make videos with so you don't feel so isolated or pressured to come up with the ideas and concepts alone every time so you can be you, and do what you do best. I'm very proud of you." The main problem she encountered making videos was coming up with ideas and concepts - one of her roommates is a writer, who scripts them, and she ran into a camera guy who edits and directs, a music guy and I'm pretty sure the list has grew, as more people have been getting involved in her videos. I have a lady friend who's a model, very attractive and a really nice lady to talk to. I was speaking with her last night and this morning when I woke up - There's nothing there besides a little flirting, and a new found mutual friendship. She told me I should write my ex with the sole intention of getting closure. I composed a message with her and she said that's great and I sent it. I Sent it roughly an hour ago and I feel horrible. I feel so pathetic and blergh, I just wish I could be as over her as she is of me. - She's had multiple relationships, and her best friend whom I live with said she's afraid of commitment/hasn't committed to anyone before but with me she saw her grow and blossom as a person, and I should be thankful that I managed to change her as much as I did. I'm just really heart broken. Long post, very sorry - I enjoy writing about it. Edited February 16, 2013 by BarbecueMan666
Addison312 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Since it is over, I think you need to get her off that pedestal and remember the not-so-good qualities. Your previous posts say more about them, but this one doesn't bring them up. Make a list.
Author BarbecueMan666 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 Hmm, yeah I definitely have her on a pedestal. Is that a normal place to be post BU ? - 6 weeks in - I guess making a list of the qualities and times I didn't enjoy could be something very worth while doing.
Addison312 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Yes, it's normal. I'm going through the same thing. I've been trying to focus on why it won't work (I.e. helloooooo he dumped you and he isn't in a good place right now!) and why I don't want it to right now anyhow. Ups and downs, day by day.
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