When to have a baby? :)

[frozensprouts]

we had most of our wedding planned , I'd bought my wedding dress, sent out the invitations, had everything booked and paid for when I found out two things:

 

(a) my mom had just been diagnosed with breast cancer

(b) I was pregnant with my now almost 15 year old daughter

 

 

three months later, we were married. I had some trouble fitting onto my wedding dress, my mom had lost most of her hair from chemo, but she found a beautiful that to wear and I had her make up done professionally for her...she looked and felt the best she had in a long time...it was a good day

 

 

my "middle kid" was born a little over a year after my oldest, and my youngest was born three years later. About a year ago, i thought I was pregnant again, had a positive pregnancy test, but it wasn't meant to be. Even though the timing was awful, I still felt really bad about that.

 

I'm 41 now, and our family is complete...but you never know.

[tbf]

Finances and the desire of having time alone (just us two)

 

With finances, we have no desire to get on medicaid since we are both healthy, able adults! We want to be able to pay or have insurance that helps us pay, for the costs of pregnancy, birth, and taking care of our baby. Thank God, it looks like after 3 months, my husband will get insurance!!!

 

With the desire of time alone as a couple, it would be nice to do more traveling and spend time together before we become parents, but I understand the points about my age... We also very much want to be parents and one of my husband's friends said we can travel with a baby too, that he did with his kids and they loved traveling.

Prior to taking the plunge, take a serious look at baby and child immunization schedules. Be forewarned that if your travel plans include any less developed nation travels that if your baby or child hasn't received their shots or isn't old enough to handle certain immunization shots, you might be exposing them to life threatening diseases.

 

How you can accommodate travel with babies or young children is to ensure you have someone who can take care of your baby/child, while the two of you go somewhere exotic.

 

Congratulations!!!

Thanks.

[sb129]

Agree with TBF.

 

Travelling with kids is quite different to travelling without! My H and I did lots of travelling together prior to getting married, and we've taken our daughter abroad once- totally different way of travelling, but it was still fun. We didn't rough it as much as we might have had we been alone. We've also seen more of our own country, camping etc which has been good.

 

You could always look at it this way too- the sooner you have children the sooner they will leave home and you and H can travel then...OR as TBF said get good childcare, although personally I found it hard leaving my daughter behind when we went away alone.

[tbf]

Good suggestion about the travelling around your own country, sb. We live in Canada where I'm not too worried about travelling to the U.S. But even Mexico would make me nervous, considering how within warmer climates and that it's only a developing nation, their quality and quantity of healthcare might not be sufficient to handle the greater number of diseases. Add in a different language where misunderstandings can occur, potentially delaying treatment and I can't see it worth the few weeks of fun. It would be safer to go to Hawaii or California.

[BetheButterfly]

I'm assuming you are probably a little chubby right now? I was when I got pregnant. I was overweight by "their" standards but by like 6 lbs. No problems conceiving, got pregnant in the 2nd month.

 

I would say if you are like 30+ lbs overweight, then losing weight would help prior to conception. I would say that being a bit chunky prior to getting pregnant is a big motivator not to let yourself go during pregnancy. It's easier not to have to lose a ton of weight after pregnancy.

 

I don't really know how many lbs. I'm overweight. My husband and I don't care so much what the scale says but more about the ratio of fat and muscle. I do have more fat on my body than I would like and less toned muscle than I would like. So, I do have work to do before getting pregnant!!! Fun fun!!!

[pteromom]

Hello,

 

For those who have been married and have kids, when did y'all have your first baby? Did you have a baby right off, or did you wait a couple of years?

 

What is your advice concerning when to have a baby and about being a wife and a mom, or a husband and a dad? My husband and I are feeling more and more ready to have a baby. We love each other very much and are very happy together because we both strive to place each other before ourselves. We consider ourselves one flesh and a team! We both want to have children and love them and take great care of them!

 

We have been married for a year and know each other for 2 years. We don't know if we should wait very much longer, since we are both 35 years old. One of my friends said that we shouldn't wait for very long, because of my age. What do you think and why?

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!!!

 

Normally, I would advise to be married a few more years before trying, but being as you are 35, I would start trying now. You seem happy and balanced and in a healthy relationship, based on what you post here. So if how you are here represents how you are in real life, I give you my PTEROMOM stamp of approval to throw the contraception away and see what happens.

[BetheButterfly]

Good suggestion about the travelling around your own country, sb. We live in Canada where I'm not too worried about travelling to the U.S. But even Mexico would make me nervous, considering how within warmer climates and that it's only a developing nation, their quality and quantity of healthcare might not be sufficient to handle the greater number of diseases. Add in a different language where misunderstandings can occur, potentially delaying treatment and I can't see it worth the few weeks of fun. It would be safer to go to Hawaii or California.

 

Hawaii!!!

 

Yeah, I understand that. I got really sick once when I was in México. I had to fly back to the USA and stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks, due to a severe asthma attack and the flu. Not fun! I was a teen then. I thought I was gonna die since I had such a hard time breathing...

 

This does help me see that it's probably not the best to travel with babies, at least to other countries. It would be better to wait till they're a little older and if my hubby and I travel when we have a baby, I think I will consider leaving her/him with my parents.

[pteromom]

Finances and the desire of having time alone (just us two)

 

With finances, we have no desire to get on medicaid since we are both healthy, able adults! We want to be able to pay or have insurance that helps us pay, for the costs of pregnancy, birth, and taking care of our baby. Thank God, it looks like after 3 months, my husband will get insurance!!!

 

You'll NEVER be financially "ready". Don't let this stop you.

 

With the desire of time alone as a couple, it would be nice to do more traveling and spend time together before we become parents, but I understand the points about my age... We also very much want to be parents and one of my husband's friends said we can travel with a baby too, that he did with his kids and they loved traveling.

 

Yes, it is different when you have a child. You spend some nights awake all night WISHING you could be intimate with your partner instead of actually doing it. Sex drive goes up and down. Priorities shift. But if both people are committed to making the most of a new normal, it will work. And a baby brings a whole NEW dimension of happiness to a happy marriage.

 

And of course you can travel with a child. Having a child in a hotel room with you just means you get to make the most of hotel room balconies and showers, and practice really really quiet sex.

[BetheButterfly]

You'll NEVER be financially "ready". Don't let this stop you.

 

That's what my Mom says. But babies are so expensive!

 

Yes, it is different when you have a child. You spend some nights awake all night WISHING you could be intimate with your partner instead of actually doing it. Sex drive goes up and down. Priorities shift. But if both people are committed to making the most of a new normal, it will work. And a baby brings a whole NEW dimension of happiness to a happy marriage.

I boldened the above... so beautiful

And of course you can travel with a child. Having a child in a hotel room with you just means you get to make the most of hotel room balconies and showers, and practice really really quiet sex

Quiet sex is really difficult.

[pteromom]

That's what my Mom says. But babies are so expensive!

 

Yeah, but the expense doesn't come all at once. It's over time.

 

Plus, there are lots of ways to save money and be smart about it.

 

Assuming you are going to breastfeed, the only thing a baby REALLY needs is diapers, a carseat, and love. Cribs and swings and Boppy pillows and carriers and playmats and all that crap is useful and fun, but you can live without any of it (or buy used on Craigslist) if you have to.

[BetheButterfly]

Yeah, but the expense doesn't come all at once. It's over time.

 

Plus, there are lots of ways to save money and be smart about it.

 

Assuming you are going to breastfeed, the only thing a baby REALLY needs is diapers, a carseat, and love. Cribs and swings and Boppy pillows and carriers and playmats and all that crap is useful and fun, but you can live without any of it (or buy used on Craigslist) if you have to.

 

Yes I hope to breastfeed. Great advice

 

If I do get pregnant soon, I think I'm going to be asking lots of questions about how to save money!

 

About baby clothes, I have friends whose babies are growing up... I'm going to ask them if they can keep their baby clothes so I can borrow them. My sisters' kids are already past the baby stage... I don't know if my sisters kept the baby clothes or not... I'll ask them.

[pteromom]

Used baby clothes are easy to get. VERY easy. You don't actually want to spend a lot of money on them anyway, because the baby goes through sizes SOOOOO quickly until they get to about 24 months, then it slows down a little bit.

[pink_sugar]

If you are in your 20's no rush to have kids after you marry. I've been married nearly 5 years and no kids. I really think it's important to get to know the person and enjoy your marriage with them before factoring in kids. However, you are both 35...so it's not likely that you will go down different paths as someone who may marry in their early or mid twenties, so it makes sense for you to want children now.

 

I don't understand why people need to rush into kids after marriage...I may end up being married 10+ years before having kids...if I decide I do want children. Contrary to popular belief, marriage isn't just for people who want kids. There are plenty of married couples who choose not to have children at all. I say for those my age to enjoy their marriage first.

[pink_sugar]

You'll NEVER be financially "ready". Don't let this stop you.

 

I am sorry, but my SIL said this very same wording and I highly disagree. While there may never be a "perfect" situation to raise a child, yes, you need to be financially stable. This doesn't mean you need to make a ton of money, but yes, you need to be financially stable. By this I mean stable job, a savings, little debt, etc.

[candie13]

hey, read only your post, here's my honest advice: if you've been with your hubby for more that 2 years (dating included), and he is the man of your life, you should start making babies yesterday . The only reason would be if you're a successful business woman about to get promoted or recently promoted. Yeah, you could stall for another year and ONLY if you're not too much into your 30's.

 

Jobs come and go, family stays. You're smart enough to figure stuff out.

 

Cheers

 

p.s not that I'd be married... but still... from a woman to a woman... stop stalling, you NEVER know.

[BetheButterfly]

I am sorry, but my SIL said this very same wording and I highly disagree. While there may never be a "perfect" situation to raise a child, yes, you need to be financially stable. This doesn't mean you need to make a ton of money, but yes, you need to be financially stable. By this I mean stable job, a savings, little debt, etc.

 

I don't think she means that it's good to have a baby when one is financially unstable, but rather that even though it'd be nice if everyone were all millionaires when having a child, that's not necessary. I didn't think she implied that I should have a baby if my husband and I were not financially stable.

[pink_sugar]

I don't think she means that it's good to have a baby when one is financially unstable, but rather that even though it'd be nice if everyone were all millionaires when having a child, that's not necessary. I didn't think she implied that I should have a baby if my husband and I were not financially stable.

 

I was thinking so. I remember my SIL saying "There is no such thing as financially stable". She is almost 26, makes $10 an hour and wants kids now. You may not need to make a lot of money, but $10 on 30 hours a week is nowhere near enough to support a child and my brother also only makes $10 an hour.

[Silly_Girl]

You don't need surplus money to raise a child. You need a warm, happy home, healthy food, time and love. Kids don't demand gadgets or holidays or quality restaurants. I was poor when I fell pregnant, but the basics were all in place. My son has always been very happy, and healthy.

[BetheButterfly]

I was thinking so. I remember my SIL saying "There is no such thing as financially stable". She is almost 26, makes $10 an hour and wants kids now. You may not need to make a lot of money, but $10 on 30 hours a week is nowhere near enough to support a child and my brother also only makes $10 an hour.

 

I think it depends on a lot of variables, like how high the cost of living is in the area.

 

My parents were very poor when they had me. Family and friends helped them out a lot. I didn't get the "finer things in life" when I was a baby, like brand new clothes and a mansion to live in and expensive childcare and a maid cleaning the house and all that jazz. but I do feel like I had the "finest things in life" which include a "warm, happy home, healthy food, time and love." I like your quote, Silly_Girl and believe my parents provided that for me (even though some of the food was not really healthy, like my Mom's delicious brownies:o).

[Lauriebell82]

I think you should go for it BTB!!! Given your age, I think it's perfectly fine to have a baby. Even if you were younger, I advocate for having a baby whenever someone feels they are ready. It sounds like you are, so go for it!!!

[pink_sugar]

I think it depends on a lot of variables, like how high the cost of living is in the area.

 

My parents were very poor when they had me. Family and friends helped them out a lot. I didn't get the "finer things in life" when I was a baby, like brand new clothes and a mansion to live in and expensive childcare and a maid cleaning the house and all that jazz. but I do feel like I had the "finest things in life" which include a "warm, happy home, healthy food, time and love." I like your quote, Silly_Girl and believe my parents provided that for me (even though some of the food was not really healthy, like my Mom's delicious brownies:o).

 

Agree, cost of living definitely makes a difference. Where I live the average apartment rent is $1500-$2000 a month just for a one bedroom apartment...two IF you are lucky. If you own a house, the average mortgage is $3000 a month. So basically you need a six figure income to have a "comfortable" living here. Or two incomes of 60k. My husband and I both have Associate degrees and are still barely above the poverty line...hopefully things improve when we get our Bachelors degrees this summer. I know there is no way we'd survive here on $11-$12 an hour with a child.

[veryhappy]

Let's be realistic here. OP mentioned traveling as a reason to want more couple time. Poor people do not travel for pleasure, so I don't think the financial reason is the dominant one. They might not be in a great position financially, but they'll have insurance and manage.

 

OP, are you okay with being childless? If you are not, start trying to conceive today. Any couple time, trip or extra dollar won't mean much if you end up having infertility issues. What if you end up wiping all your savings in a few years on fertility treatments? Age is unforgiving when it comes to having a baby, as many success stories there are nowadays. They give a false sense of security. There are many things that can go wrong with both mother and fetus, so if you want a child and you financially can manage, start now.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

there is something to be said about being financially stable befor you have a child...

 

every time to decide to have a child, you take a gamble...you roll the dice and hope they will be healthy, but sometimes, it doesn't work out that way.

 

I didn't plan on having to end my career to stay home with my kids, but that's what I ended up doing. With both of us working, we couldn't afford to both work and pay someone else to give them the kind of special care they need. I do it instead, and we live on my husband's income. Money is always tight, but we make due and are happy.

 

Then there's the issue of paying for their health care. Their medications, therapy, trips to the hospital in another province, eye care, dental care, education, etc. are all evry expensive. We are lucky that we have extra helath insurance through my husband's employer, as I don't know ow we'd afford al those things without it ( for my oldest, medications, therapy, etc. cost over 500 dollars per month, for our youngest, it's sitting between 3 and 5 hundred a month before insurance, and this doesn't include saving for their education/ long term care, sports, outside activities, etc.).

 

We also have to save for their long term care, as at least one of them will likely never live on his own. We have to plan for that and for what will happen to him after we are gone.

 

I'm not saying this to be negative or put you off having kids, but rather that these are things to keep in mind. Nine times out of then they won't be an issue, but the tenth time when they are make you think...

[JamesM]

I waited to answer this because our situation was different...we were younger.

 

But I will give my opinion nonetheless.

 

We were married at 26 and had our first at 32. We did wait until we were "ready." Even then, I felt too young. After that, we popped the next three out in four and a half more years. Yes, it was rather busy.

 

Anyhow, we wondered if we would be financially able to have children. We found out that you prioritize what you feel is important. And we have had the money up until now. Lots? No, but enough.

 

If we had waited until we were financially ready, then I think we would never have been ready simply because other things would have taken priority. We did our vacations to the tropics and down south. We had the time where we could do what we wanted at a moment's notice.

 

But we would never go back to the no kids days no matter how stressful they can be.

 

My opinion to you is....

 

Have your children if the two of you want children now. They come one child at a time...usually. You can still take a trip or two with or without the first one.

 

Financially? I think you will make money available when you need it. You will struggle a bit maybe, but you will make it work. It is all about priorities.

 

I will never forget the day after our first was born. My wife sat down and calculated how we could make it on one income. And we did despite it being tough. Later she went back to work after our kids were in school. And this from a woman who when I met her wasn't going to quit her job for any man.

 

I would say that with your age and if the two of you both agree that you want children, no time is better than another. It is scary and stressful at first but remember one of my favorite sayings: "This too shall pass."

 

Life without children is so boring. No, not always in a good way, but certainly most of the time.

[Gagirl]

Only after you have done everything you want to do in life. If you want to travel, go to school or build your career, do that first. You won't have the opportunity after. I pretty much lost everything after I gave my husband the kids he wanted. The social life and the travel were the first to go, then the friends, family, marriage and career. For nine years, I worked all day and came home and raised those kids by myself, sometimes sick as a dog. My only fun time was the hair appointment every 8 weeks. Finally changed my work schedule so I don't have to full with it too much anymore. They are usually going to bed when I get home and since I'm the primary earner, I get away with it without too much flack and I have my social life back too. Sure wish I would have traveled more.