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Weird feeling. What do you think?


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Posted

Hello all! it's been a long time since I don't post here and all of the sudden I had the urge to do it.

 

I'm been going out with a boy for the last 5 months. He's 31 years old, I'm 29. It's all over now, he had been having some problems, his uncle passed away, money issues and problems at work too. All these, together with an ex girlfriend who was still bothering him (they've been together more than 4 years and they were planning on having a kid but things turned up differently and they broke up and not in a nice way) All these added to him being really irritating, not caring or loving, and I did what I could to support him but I could not do it anymore. Actually, he turned up to be one ass**** because he couldn't face me and talk in person about our relationship, I had to end it through whatsapp, what a coward, right?!

 

Anyway, the thing is that I've been feeling weird lately because I thought I would be mourning this relationship, crying and all that process you need to go through, and I haven't done as such. I find myself thinking about my other ex boyfriend. We were together for over a year, and then went on and off two more years until I finally put an end to it last May because I wanted to be away from him a while, but I never stopped loving him, and I never stopped thinking he is the man of my life.

 

What would you do in my position? I know I wouldn't dare to contact him because I don't know what's going on in his life, but it never happened to me before with anyone else, that strong feeling, that sense of love towards someone, even if they hurt you, although I have to admit it was mutual, we played with each other feelings' and never handled it properly.

 

Maybe I don't do anything about it, but I just wanted to share it with you because some may feel identified with this feeling.

 

Thanks for reading. I'll start posting and sharing my point of view with you too.

 

Best! :)

Posted

You know sometimes you have to experience what else is out there to know what you have is right for you. Now that's a damned hard thing for the other person to sit through, sometimes they move on and sometimes they don't.

 

I had a g/f a few years back who wanted to do the same thing, wanted to see what else was out there and then wanted me to still be there when she came back. True enough she came back about a year maybe a year and a half later telling me how much she missed me and how much she wanted to be with me. I'll be honest and say i felt nothing, absolutely nothing. I had no desire to reconcile with her at all, not even a tiny bit. She had just left my thoughts and feelings totally.

 

Then there was the last g/f i had. She pretty much decided she wanted to do the same, play the field, see what else was out there. Something different happened with her though, she never left my thoughts, she never left my feelings, in fact the feelings never diminshed even a little bit. I spent many hours thinking about how much i would love to see her again. I even began to think it was maybe a good thing that we had some time apart, at least then she would know for sure if she wanted to be with me and not spend all her time wondering about what other life she may have had if she hadn't settled down so early with me. In short i never stopped loving her, i found myself thinking of her continually. If it ultimately made our relationship stronger than that was the price i was prepared to pay. I can understand GIGS syndrome in someone young, it's natural. The thing you learn with experience though is that it's never greener over there. It just isn't, still you have to leanr that for yourself, you can't be told it, you have to find out for yourself. Then once you have found out it may be too late for your original relationship. I'd just point this out though, if you are feeling that strongly about him still then there's a good chance that he is feeling the same, feelings are very rarely a one way street. You must have had mutual feelings, there must have been.

 

I think you should make some sort of tentitive contact and see how you go. If you still feel that way then act upon, don't let the chance go by. You have everything to gain and very little to lose.

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Posted

Thank you for your words!

 

Yes, actually our BU was because we were not on the same page. We had never been apart more than a month and we had gotten into that vicious cycle couples tend to go when trying to work things out, and during that process, we both hurt each other. I put an end to it because it was "what I was supposed to do, the best thing to do" but not what I wanted. I just wanted to feel life without him, like you said, but never stopped loving him. Unfortunately, life was not great without him.

 

I'm actually happy we both spent so much time apart now, it's been 10 months already without contacting each other.

 

I don't want it to be late, and I don't want to make a mistake either.

 

I'd just point this out though, if you are feeling that strongly about him still then there's a good chance that he is feeling the same, feelings are very rarely a one way street. You must have had mutual feelings, there must have been.

I think you should make some sort of tentitive contact and see how you go. If you still feel that way then act upon, don't let the chance go by. You have everything to gain and very little to lose.

 

Yes, we did have mutual feelings, it didn't end because we had no love for each other. He didn't want to "break up", but his offer was not good enough for me, even though he said he loved me. He couldn't make up his mind and I couldn't deal with it anymore.

 

I don't want to let the chance go by. I surely don't. I know I may also be reeling from the last BU I had with this other guy I don't even love, but a BU is a BU, right? You have to go through a process and clean yourself up from ugly feelings.

 

I guess I'll wait a bit, maybe a month, and see if I still have these feelings. I know where I can see him, he works 5 blocks from me, and I know where he goes out on weekends but I just need to be sure to do that because I wouldn't want to hear "I'm dating someone else". Although something tells me that's not the case.

 

Now you left hanging, did you ever get back with that last g/f you mentioned? the one you never stopped loving? Or things turned out differently?

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Posted

My internet is so so rubbish, it really is, i've been trying all night to log on so hopefully you get this.

 

I would urge you to definitely go for it, even half a chance is better than no chance and regret is a horrible thing to live with. Don't hestitate just seize the moment and do you best to win your loved one's heart.

 

Unfortunately, in answer to your question, i haven't yet managed to reconcile with my ex but i would so love too, there's nothing i would love more. Let me try and expalain why. Someone asked me the other day, well it was a question on a forum that i visit for people who suffer from personality disorders and mental health problems (it's a brilliant forum, it really is, i don't know if i'm allowed to advertise on here so had better not but if anyone suffers with problems with MH i can PM you the forum) and it asked if it's possible to think of someone all day. Some people said no but i said yes most definitely because i have done it. Now some people might argue that's infatuation but i would say in this case no it's not, infatuation diminishes after a while and eventually goes completely. With my ex this just never happened, not in the slightest. Even when we spent a lot of time apart my feelings just got stronger and stronger. I have never felt so at ease and so comfortable with someone, i have never felt safer with anyone than i did with her. When we were apart all i wanted was to put my arms around her or have her put her arms arouund me, i just wanted to be held tight and know she was there.

 

Because we often suffered with poor communication we often ended up hurting each other unintentionally. When she hurt me i would be angry and upset but it was her i wanted to go to for comfort. I'd trust her with my life, i'd trust her with stuff i would never ever trust anyone else with, i told her things i'd never mentioned to another living soul. Not only did i trust her with it i wanted her to know, i wanted her to know everything about me. But because i'm crap and suffer with Borderline personailty disorder and avoidant personality disorder it would take me ages to get stuff out and she would get frustrated waiting for me. I can't blame her. But although she is young she's so incredibly wise in so many areas. She has taught me more than any single person has ever taught me. Looking back i can see how she taught me hard harsh lessons that i hd never let anyone else teach me. I just backed away from everyone else that tried to do so, but she wouldn't give up and taught me how to communication when i didn't even know i was being taught. I'm also a slow learner and it took me a long time to figure a lot of things out but she kept doing it until i clicked on. No-one had ever done that for me before. Some of the lessons were really hard for me to take but i needed to learn them for my own sake. I needed to learn how to communicate better and understand that i suffer with personailty disorders instead of thinking that it's everyone else that has the problems, i just couldn't see it until she showed me.

 

In short she taught me more in a relatively short space of time than the rest of the people had taught me in a lifetime. My life just seems so pointless without her in it, meaningless even. I asked her to shoulder way too much responsibility on my behalf, way more than i had a right to expect from anyone. I got such a lot wrong because i have so many flaws but i knew almost from the moment that i met her how special she is. I wasn't wrong about that. I just want to show how much i have taken on board. I'm so nervous about trying to contact her because she asked me not to and i said i wouldn't. The last thing i want to do is upset her if she has moved on. People heal with time and maybe she has, i know i haven't, i just can't seem to let her go, she connected with me in a way i didn't know was possible. i was thinking last night how no-one has ever fully understood me except for her.

 

I'd love to hear you thoughts if you would like to share. Talking about this just reminds me how much she still means to me and how much i still miss her. It's good to talk but it also reminds you how much you have lost. If we did try again i think i would be so much happier knowing she haad spent time away from me to assess what she really wants, like i said before it's a painful lesson but it's sometimes a valuable lesson if it makes you clearer about the future.

Posted
I know I wouldn't dare to contact him because I don't know what's going on in his life,

Why would it be so bad to contact him? You won't know what is going on unless you do, right?

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Posted
My internet is so so rubbish, it really is, i've been trying all night to log on so hopefully you get this.

 

I would urge you to definitely go for it, even half a chance is better than no chance and regret is a horrible thing to live with. Don't hestitate just seize the moment and do you best to win your loved one's heart.

 

Unfortunately, in answer to your question, i haven't yet managed to reconcile with my ex but i would so love too, there's nothing i would love more. Let me try and expalain why. Someone asked me the other day, well it was a question on a forum that i visit for people who suffer from personality disorders and mental health problems (it's a brilliant forum, it really is, i don't know if i'm allowed to advertise on here so had better not but if anyone suffers with problems with MH i can PM you the forum) and it asked if it's possible to think of someone all day. Some people said no but i said yes most definitely because i have done it. Now some people might argue that's infatuation but i would say in this case no it's not, infatuation diminishes after a while and eventually goes completely. With my ex this just never happened, not in the slightest. Even when we spent a lot of time apart my feelings just got stronger and stronger. I have never felt so at ease and so comfortable with someone, i have never felt safer with anyone than i did with her. When we were apart all i wanted was to put my arms around her or have her put her arms arouund me, i just wanted to be held tight and know she was there.

 

Because we often suffered with poor communication we often ended up hurting each other unintentionally. When she hurt me i would be angry and upset but it was her i wanted to go to for comfort. I'd trust her with my life, i'd trust her with stuff i would never ever trust anyone else with, i told her things i'd never mentioned to another living soul. Not only did i trust her with it i wanted her to know, i wanted her to know everything about me. But because i'm crap and suffer with Borderline personailty disorder and avoidant personality disorder it would take me ages to get stuff out and she would get frustrated waiting for me. I can't blame her. But although she is young she's so incredibly wise in so many areas. She has taught me more than any single person has ever taught me. Looking back i can see how she taught me hard harsh lessons that i hd never let anyone else teach me. I just backed away from everyone else that tried to do so, but she wouldn't give up and taught me how to communication when i didn't even know i was being taught. I'm also a slow learner and it took me a long time to figure a lot of things out but she kept doing it until i clicked on. No-one had ever done that for me before. Some of the lessons were really hard for me to take but i needed to learn them for my own sake. I needed to learn how to communicate better and understand that i suffer with personailty disorders instead of thinking that it's everyone else that has the problems, i just couldn't see it until she showed me.

 

In short she taught me more in a relatively short space of time than the rest of the people had taught me in a lifetime. My life just seems so pointless without her in it, meaningless even. I asked her to shoulder way too much responsibility on my behalf, way more than i had a right to expect from anyone. I got such a lot wrong because i have so many flaws but i knew almost from the moment that i met her how special she is. I wasn't wrong about that. I just want to show how much i have taken on board. I'm so nervous about trying to contact her because she asked me not to and i said i wouldn't. The last thing i want to do is upset her if she has moved on. People heal with time and maybe she has, i know i haven't, i just can't seem to let her go, she connected with me in a way i didn't know was possible. i was thinking last night how no-one has ever fully understood me except for her.

 

I'd love to hear you thoughts if you would like to share. Talking about this just reminds me how much she still means to me and how much i still miss her. It's good to talk but it also reminds you how much you have lost. If we did try again i think i would be so much happier knowing she haad spent time away from me to assess what she really wants, like i said before it's a painful lesson but it's sometimes a valuable lesson if it makes you clearer about the future.

 

Thanks! I'm still thinking about it. I wouldn't know what to put, or whether to write him and email, text...

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I can understand how much she means to you, considering all you have opened up to her and how much she helped you. How long has it been since your BU and who initiated it?

I can see it must have been difficult for her to try to help you and be patient enough till you gain confindence and trust in her.

Either way, I do believe she helped you and cared for you a lot. And if you never get back with her, be thankful that someone like her loved you and lived wonderful moments next to you. I don't know if it's of much help, but that's my view.

All I can tell you, like many of us think here on LS, is that you should continue working on you, and keep thinking that in the end it is a valuable lesson which helps clearing the path for the future and be stronger for what is to come.

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Posted
Why would it be so bad to contact him? You won't know what is going on unless you do, right?

 

Yes, you're right. I was and am considering contacting him just because I know I maintained my distance, I moved on, had another boyfriend, and time flew by. So I know and feel I have worked on me, I continued living my life without him, and I let the wounds heal. ANd I also know that it's not that I want to get back with him desperately, that would take time, I would have to get to know him again and go slow, but I would love to see him and hear his voice.

 

Unfortunately, there's no other way for me to know what's going on in his life other than sending him a text, or call him, because we have no mutual friends, we're not friends on Facebook, and we don't tend to go to the same places :confused:

Posted

Thanks, i do definitely appreciate how much our time together meant to me, i will always cherish those memories if that's all i have. It's just that's so not all i want to have. I just feel we were so good together, if we could have sorted some of our problems we would have been perfect for each other, in fact we were perfect for each other. i just can't get passed the feeling that we lost the best thing ever. Yes we had some problems but who doesn't. I'd just like to talk and see if we could try and work something out, it wouldn't have to happen overnight, we could do whatever pace suited her. Anyway, thank you very much for your contribution, it's good to hear other peoples thoughts.

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Posted
Thanks, i do definitely appreciate how much our time together meant to me, i will always cherish those memories if that's all i have. It's just that's so not all i want to have. I just feel we were so good together, if we could have sorted some of our problems we would have been perfect for each other, in fact we were perfect for each other. i just can't get passed the feeling that we lost the best thing ever. Yes we had some problems but who doesn't. I'd just like to talk and see if we could try and work something out, it wouldn't have to happen overnight, we could do whatever pace suited her. Anyway, thank you very much for your contribution, it's good to hear other peoples thoughts.

 

Let us know if you talk to her or anything, ok? In the meantime, try to be strong and hang in there.

 

I'm having a hard time too because I've found out that the boy I went out with the last months he cheated on me and lied in my face about everything that was happening to him. So you can imagine how I feel... let alone the fact that it makes the love of my life rise higher :eek:

Posted
Let us know if you talk to her or anything, ok? In the meantime, try to be strong and hang in there.

 

I'm having a hard time too because I've found out that the boy I went out with the last months he cheated on me and lied in my face about everything that was happening to him. So you can imagine how I feel... let alone the fact that it makes the love of my life rise higher :eek:

 

Argh that's so horrible that you had to find that out, why do people do that, can't they just imagine how they would feel? Anyway, i really hope you get someone better next time. I'm so glad that i have never cheated. When i'm with someone i couldn't even imagine being with anyone else, for me that's what makes a relationship special, the fact that you belong to that person, you're their's and their's alone. I love that feeling of belonging to someone completely, i love the fact that no-one else can ever touch you because you belong to that special someone. I miss that feeling, i miss my ex-g/f, i want to put my arms around her, i want to hold her close, i want to tell her how much i'll always love her like i can never love anyone else.

I just wish she were here, i wish, i wish, i wish. I can't stop wishing. I can't stop thinking about her, i wish so much, i really do.

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Posted
Argh that's so horrible that you had to find that out, why do people do that, can't they just imagine how they would feel? Anyway, i really hope you get someone better next time. I'm so glad that i have never cheated. When i'm with someone i couldn't even imagine being with anyone else, for me that's what makes a relationship special, the fact that you belong to that person, you're their's and their's alone. I love that feeling of belonging to someone completely, i love the fact that no-one else can ever touch you because you belong to that special someone. I miss that feeling, i miss my ex-g/f, i want to put my arms around her, i want to hold her close, i want to tell her how much i'll always love her like i can never love anyone else.

I just wish she were here, i wish, i wish, i wish. I can't stop wishing. I can't stop thinking about her, i wish so much, i really do.

 

I honestly don't know why people do that. I'm not fool, and I know it's really hard to be loyal in a relationship, there're always going to be problems and moments where everything seems to fall apart, and I can understand couple go through crisis, but to lie to someone when you're just starting a relationship, he played with my feelings because he actually said he had thought about killing himself!!! I mean... I was worried about him, and that's what hurts me the most. He continued saying that even after him meeting her parents, so it's just something I can't even conceive...

 

Honey, I know you miss her, I share that feeling which is so deep in our hearts, a feeling that you just can't let go, and you know you just need that person in your arms once again. I wish you could have her again...

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