mhm407 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 (edited) I guess I'm posting this mostly to vent. It will be extremely long I'm sure. I apologize in advance to those who are kind enough to read it. I'm confused and wish I had answers but I guess no one really has those answers except MM. So I'm not necessarily looking for specific advice but if anyone does have any thoughts I'd appreciate them. I'm sure there will also be some who will reply and tell me what a horrible person I am, and I can live with that; I know what I've done is wrong. I am a chronically single 29-yr old woman who has had an affair with a MM starting a month and a half ago. I work with this man although I only see him at work for a few minutes once a week at most, and occasionally he might call into the office and I'll have to answer. He approached me at our 2010 and 2011 company Christmas parties (he didn't attend the last one). The first time, he flirted with me but it only went so far, as I was there with a date. The second time I was alone and he came on much more strongly. I was and am intensely physically attracted to him and feel we have strong chemistry, but I turned him down at the time because he's married and has two small children. After the party he texted me and told me he couldn't stop thinking about me and wished I would consider seeing him. I again told him no and he said he wouldn't contact me anymore. He didn't, until a month and a half ago. It was a Friday night, and I was home alone thinking about my two close friends who no longer were interested in hanging out with me because they both had boyfriends. I was feeling really down and wondering why it seemed so easy for other people to find someone yet it was so hard for me. At that very vulnerable moment, MM texted me out of the blue. He started off asking how I was doing, etc, and then asked me if he could call me. Stupid me, I said yes, thinking I would be able to flirt and be friendly and just have someone to talk to without letting it get any further. Obviously I let it go too far and soon we were talking and texting every day. During the first few weeks, we did meet up a few times but only had sex one of those times. For the last 3 weeks, we haven't seen each other outside of work (lack of opportunity) but have continued texting and talking on the phone daily. His story with his marriage is that he loves his kids of course, but he and his wife argue all the time. He says she criticizes him and is always angry with him no matter what, and also said that at the start of our affair, they had not had sex in a month (he volunteered this info - I NEVER asked). He said he intended to split up with her "eventually" as he knew he couldn't live like this forever. From the very start he told me how much he liked me, how perfect we were for each other, what a great personality I have in addition to being beautiful, blah blah. I've always felt the same way about him but I did try to cut things off after the first few weeks because I felt no good would come of our affair. I doubted that he'd ever get a divorce or that he even truly wanted one, regardless of everything he said. And even if he did end up divorcing, I wanted him to make that choice for himself without me in the picture, as I didn't want to be the reason that a family was torn apart. I told him all of the things I stated above. He didn't want to end things and was very adamant that his marriage was on the rocks long before we started seeing each other, and that it would have been that way with or without me. He said he never would have contacted me if he felt there was any hope for his marriage. I tried to stand my ground anyway but I only lasted a few days. He kept contacting me begging me to talk to him, and I gave in. Shortly after our affair began he was hinting that he loved me without coming out and actually saying the words until two weeks ago. Since then he has said it constantly, always told me how much he missed me and wished he could be with me, etc. That is, up until a few days ago. I noticed him being distant, much less affectionate and not wanting to talk nearly as often. I asked him a couple times what was wrong and he blamed it on being busy at work. The second time he gave me this lame excuse (this was Thursday night), I decided I couldn't deal with this any longer so I texted back and told him I didn't want to see him anymore. I didn't blame it on the way he was behaving but instead told him that it wasn't going to work for me since we never get to physically spend any time together and it's impossible to have a "relationship" only over the phone. I really had been having these thoughts over the past week but I'm not sure I would have brought it up so soon if he hadn't been acting so 'off'. He didn't reply to my text that night and I gave up on hearing from him again. Then yesterday morning he texted me and said "I'm going to call you tonight so we can talk. This is really not a conversation we should have over text". I simply said "OK". Last night I never heard from him and still haven't today. I am so confused and can't believe this is happening like this. Even though I'm technically the one who ended it, I feel that he's the one who rejected me and I really would have appreciated some closure, some explanation. Is it me? Did the PMS I've had for the past week scare him away? Was he suddenly hit with a wave of guilt? Did he realize he's still in love with his wife? Just last weekend he was telling me he feels like he's in prison in his own home, and how much he loves and wants to be with me. And why did he volunteer to call me and then not do it? How am I supposed to face him at work now without having even had a conversation about the end of our affair? I am trying so hard to resist the temptation to text him and ask him why he didn't call last night, why he's turned his back on me so abruptly, was it something I did or said, etc. I know I shouldn't contact him again because I don't want to look any more pathetic in his eyes than I already must, plus if he didn't respond I'm not sure I could take the pain. I'm so angry at myself for letting this happen when I knew how many people stood to get hurt by it. Of course the only person who has ended up hurt so far is me, and I guess I deserve it. Still doesn't make it hurt any less. I have no idea how to move on from this and leaving my job is not an option right now. I guess I've said everything there is to say here...Thanks for listening. Edited February 16, 2013 by mhm407
Eggplant Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Don't worry. You'll find a single man who is much better. Just be patient. I wouldn't worry about him at work. Just ignore him.
Realist3 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 That is, up until a few days ago. I noticed him being distant, much less affectionate and not wanting to talk nearly as often. I asked him a couple times what was wrong and he blamed it on being busy at work. The second time he gave me this lame excuse (this was Thursday night), I decided I couldn't deal with this any longer so I texted back and told him I didn't want to see him anymore. I didn't blame it on the way he was behaving but instead told him that it wasn't going to work for me since we never get to physically spend any time together and it's impossible to have a "relationship" only over the phone. I really had been having these thoughts over the past week but I'm not sure I would have brought it up so soon if he hadn't been acting so 'off'. It is really hard to say what his motivations are given the short length of time your affair has been going on. If I were to compare it to my own MOW, I would say he is pulling back to keep himself from going into full blown chaos. Affairs are highly emotionally charged and people deal with those emotions in different ways. In my situation it was a long running pattern, but at least she would tell me. It didn't make it any less excrutiating, but atleast I knew what was going on. I doubt it is really over, he is probably just catching his breath.
Journee Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 First I am sorry for the stress you are feeling. Ok, so you were feeling lonely and a bit vulnerable when MM contacted you this last time just before the A started. Sounds pretty classic. He sounds to me like a player. That you are more than likely not the only woman he has pursued for an affair. He just kept trying until you accepted. He will never leave his wife in my opinion. If he was that miserable he is free to go. Anything else is just an excuse. You are not far into this A at all and he is already playing hot and cold. He is complaining to you about his awful and mean wife. Poor him. This can rationalize the A for you both. I think you know this isn't what you want from life or what you deserve. Get out and stay out. He has all the control and has you sitting around on a Saturday waiting for a phone call. Don't let him have that power. Don't let anyone have that power. You are young and should be the object of a single man's attention. Don't waste your youth and emotional investments on a married man. You are not stupid hon. You are just heading down a terrible path. Time to turn around. This A is no different than any other. Pain to go all around. Don't let yourself fall into that trap. You may someday want an exclusive relationship. Maybe marriage. Would you want someone to participate in an affair with your partner? To vilify you? I'm guessing not. Don't let him drag you into this any further. Don't allow yourself to lower your expectations of love because of loneliness. We all have been there. It does not last forever. Good luck. You already know what to do. 3
Realist3 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 ^ And that very well could be the case too.
scatterd Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Sorry for your pain I think you are doing the right thing. You are avoiding allot of drama and possibly many years of hurt. This man is telling you the same thing that many married men do. Do not fall for his bad marriage he needs to take care of his marriage problems and divorce if it is not working when he has then I would consider any kind of a relationship until he divorces. You did nothing wrong he probably cant get away from his family. This is what it would be like with him if you were to go with it. Big Hugs
veryhappy Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 You are the target audience for baggagereclaim.co.uk. Look it up and read on emotionally unavailable man. No, it wasn't your pms. I wish you the best and do not contact him. 1
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 You've not invested a whole lot of time into this affair, less than 2 months, yet you're wayyy too emotionally attached already. Take this as a blessing in disguise that he's backed off. This man has been LYING to you. I doubt half of what he's told you about his wife, his marriage is true. If he was that unhappy he'd leave. He is exactly where he wants to be so please, don't fall for his crap! He is interested in a side dish, not looking to divorce and start over. You deserve so much more than being his secret, someone he can go to when he's bored and looking for excitement and fun, an ego stroke. 4
awkward Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 There are a handful of threads from MM on this forum right now. I think it would be a good idea for you to read them. Actually, I think they should be required reading for girls in high school. These men are something else. You should block him on all avenue's of contact. Maybe consider taking a class or joining a gym. I can think of a hundred better things so do while my GF's are with their boyfriends, than pleasing some jerk who is using me for an ego stroke, 3
chaser0195 Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Don't contact him. It will only make you look desperate and needy. When you face him at work be cordial and short with him. You said all you needed too when you told him it was over. Take it from everyone else on here, an affair is not a ride that you will enjoy. If he contacts you again, don't answer the texts, calls, or emails and if he comes to see you in person, only answer his work related questions and go back to being busy. If he brings up the affair say something like " I don't see the point in discussing this, its over"
Realist3 Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 There are a handful of threads from MM on this forum right now. I think it would be a good idea for you to read them. Actually, I think they should be required reading for girls in high school. These men are something else. I have to believe that some of these MM are simply trolls, or very twisted individuals.
LFH Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I have to believe that some of these MM are simply trolls, or very twisted individuals. Let's hope. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I have to believe that some of these MM are simply trolls, or very twisted individuals. Even if they are fiction, some of them mirror the attitudes and personalities of MM who cheat pretty realistically.
Realist3 Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Even if they are fiction, some of them mirror the attitudes and personalities of MM who cheat pretty realistically. Very well could be. I'm not an expert in that area. Some of the MM that post here make my ill. I question what could possibly make any women want them.
Realist3 Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Let's hope. I'm just not sure it is an accurate representation.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Very well could be. I'm not an expert in that area. Some of the MM that post here make my ill. I question what could possibly make any women want them. Not directed at you per say, so please don't take this out of context..but publically saying something like that isn't cool just because if a BS says "Some of the OW who post here make me ill" or if an OW says "Some of the BS on here who post make me ill" would cause such strife and in fighting between members here on LS. As much as some MM who have posted here and some may not like them - though notice too, they don't stick around long because of how they get treated by others. Kind of the argument some OW/OM feel that BS's are rude or too harsh towards them is probably how some MM/MW feel that OW/OM are harsh/rude to them.. Just sayin'. And depending on what side of the triangle one is on obviously makes a difference in threads/replies/support.
Realist3 Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Understood. The implication was that the MM's that post here are respesentitive, and I don't buy that. Required reading to see how they think. Just don't see it.
LFH Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 You know, weighing in on the concept of the MM who post here, I haven't yet read many of these cautionary threads where the thought processes ended up being anything like my MM. He's just a guy. He's got flaws, he's done stupid stuff, but he doesn't act like that at all, and he's pretty spoiled. I really wish more MM did post, with a wider cross section. It would so nice to see some differing perspectives. I'd never let Alex post here though, holy hell would we fight about some of it. He'd get all protective and defensive and freak out saying I can't BELIEVE they just said that to you... and then I'd be like, dude, it's LS, chill... and then I'd have to defend people's rights to talk trash and that just seems wrong 1
awkward Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Understood. The implication was that the MM's that post here are respesentitive, and I don't buy that. Required reading to see how they think. Just don't see it. I really wish there was a thread on this so we could discuss it. Maybe required reading was a bit overboard , but they all eat cake. The decorations on the cake look different; however, underneath it is still cake.
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