benm Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Hi, I have found this site to be very helpful for me. I am looking to see if anyone else has had a similar event that helped them end their A. Here is my story, I am married man (mid-40's) close to 20 years with one daughter. I became real close with someone at my office over the past 3 years. She is married (early 40's), over 15 yrs with 2 kids. We both are well-educated professionals who want the same out of life and for our kids. My marriage has been stagnant for many years, part of it is my own doing although I feel for a long time (10+ yrs) that I may have married my wife for the wrong reasons. I stayed in it because I thought I was doing the right thing and because I wanted her to be a mom. My wife is a great mom. Her husband is much older and in ill-health and not very active due to numerous medical issues. I think she cares for him deeply but I think she is frustrated due to his health. Our relationship started out relatively low-key about 3 yrs ago. I invited her out for coffee at work. However, from day 1, I could tell that things clicked between us. She got me, I got her. I kept it in check for the better part of two years. About a yr ago, I wrapped up a project that had kept me busy for some time and my stress level went down. I had more time & energy to spend with her and that's when I started to develop strong feelings for her. I told her about 6 months ago (I know - I should have visitied LS first, I did it after). Our relationship has actually got closer since that point. I am struggling with it because I can't keep doing this, where does it go? We have both told each other that we don't want to mess things up for our kids sake. We have not discussed a lot about our spouses. We both do not criticize our spouses to one another. We see/e-mail each other every day, I think we both geniunely get excited about seeing each other. There is no PA but a very strong emotional connection. I am frustrated to no end now. I can't keep doing coffee and lunch for next 5 or 10 yrs or until our kids are out of school. The punch to the gut came this past week as I found out that she has a dinner scheduled with one of my senior bosses at work on an out-of-town business trip. it is a little strange for several reasons. She does not know that I know this. From my perspective, I am not her spouse, so I don't think it is my right to say anything. I still don't like it. Here I am spending all this time getting to know her, not doing much else than what I described above and then she is having dinner with one of the big dogs. The silver lining is that this gave me a wake-up call about what I am doing. Some of you may say it serves you right and I would not disagree with you. Does anyone else have a similar event occur that helped them end their EA? Thanks for reading my story!!
Realist3 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 The punch to the gut came this past week as I found out that she has a dinner scheduled with one of my senior bosses at work on an out-of-town business trip. it is a little strange for several reasons. She does not know that I know this. From my perspective, I am not her spouse, so I don't think it is my right to say anything. I still don't like it. Here I am spending all this time getting to know her, not doing much else than what I described above and then she is having dinner with one of the big dogs. I would suggest you are making too much out of this dinner. The jealousy is natural. But generally people that are involved don't tell anyone what they are doing. If you know about this dinner from whatever means, it is most likely nothing. Professionals have dinners all the time especially on out of town business trips. Don't make a decision on a dinner.
Realist3 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I am struggling with it because I can't keep doing this, where does it go? We have both told each other that we don't want to mess things up for our kids sake. We have not discussed a lot about our spouses. We both do not criticize our spouses to one another. We see/e-mail each other every day, I think we both geniunely get excited about seeing each other. There is no PA but a very strong emotional connection. I am frustrated to no end now. I can't keep doing coffee and lunch for next 5 or 10 yrs or until our kids are out of school. Where does it go? It goes where you both want it to go. My siutation is very similar in many respects except mine is physical as well. Why are you frustrated? Is it because you want more? If so, that is completely understandable. You have to decide is what you are doing is a positive for each other in its limited capacity. It may or may not be, but once you come to grips with what it will or won't be, you can then enjoy it for what it is; an addition to your life.
Eggplant Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 My marriage has been stagnant for many years, part of it is my own doing although I feel for a long time (10+ yrs) that I may have married my wife for the wrong reasons. I stayed in it because I thought I was doing the right thing and because I wanted her to be a mom. ... I can't keep doing coffee and lunch for next 5 or 10 yrs or until our kids are out of school. I think it's hard enough to make a marriage work when you married for the right reasons. But how common is this, out of curiousity, for men to marry because they want to "do the right thing"? It's so hard to break up with a person and hurt him or her. But marrying somebody you don't love and committing to raise a family like that... that's your life! And now you sound desperate to get out! I can't keep doing coffee and lunch for next 5 or 10 yrs or until our kids are out of school. It sounds as though you don't really want to be with your wife, you just don't want to break up your family.
Turtles Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 The punch to the gut came this past week as I found out that she has a dinner scheduled with one of my senior bosses at work on an out-of-town business trip. it is a little strange for several reasons. She does not know that I know this. From my perspective, I am not her spouse, so I don't think it is my right to say anything. I still don't like it. Here I am spending all this time getting to know her, not doing much else than what I described above and then she is having dinner with one of the big dogs. The silver lining is that this gave me a wake-up call about what I am doing. Some of you may say it serves you right and I would not disagree with you. Does anyone else have a similar event occur that helped them end their EA? Thanks for reading my story!! I was a bit confused about what your problem was exactly, are you jealous because she is seeing somebody else or do you feel betrayed because she is maneuvering in the hierarchy? I really fail to see what business it is of yours who she is having dinner with... or is this the type of work environment where her quasi intimate knowledge of you would help her gain advancement at your detriment?
Eggplant Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I wouldn't put much stock in any relationship that started as an affair. If you need a real relationship with an honest, loyal partner, it needs to be on honest grounds. The woman of your dreams probably would never date a married man. So you have to decide what to do. 1
Spark1111 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 what if you were to have a cup of coffee and lunch EVERYDAY with your wife? What if you were to take all that time and energy and emotional investing you do EVERYDAY with your co-worker and invest it into your marriage? maybe you could stop seeing your wife as just a great mom and as a woman with romantic and emotional needs too? because if you do not, someone else may very well come along and see her very differently. What do you want here? 7
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