Author LampLighter Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 I suppose I'm over analyzing everything. Still an unusual situation IMO. Will update with how this progresses. Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I suppose I'm over analyzing everything. Still an unusual situation IMO. Will update with how this progresses. You are a FWB. Why would you ignore her? But if you are going to be pained by being a 'once in a while thing' for her you should probably walk. Enjoy it while it lasts but at some point your head will explode because you want more, she doesn't. You think things like ignoring her will get her more interested in something official. it won't so why bother? You said in earlier posts she is sending confusing mixed signals, but she is send incredibly clear signals, she wants you as a FWB, nothing more. That's no reason to ignore her, you are not bf and gf, just friends that f*ck when she gets the urge. In a FWB situation I find I have a great time in the moment but if I am with her one night I don't really think of her until I am in need again. It might be a week, sometimes even a month, but because we had a great time does not mean something bigger is happening. One woman in particular keeps trying to elevate it with me and not to sound like a jerk, I don't even consider her for anything more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LampLighter Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 Update: So she came over Saturday night. We watched a movie, had the best sex weve had yet (she couldnt stop talking about it), went out for late night dinner, came back to my place and had sex again. The next day we stayed in bed till ~4PM, flirting, talking, cuddling, essentially everything a loving couple would do. At one point i asked her on a future date and she was non-commital about it and tried to avoid giving an answer. I called her on it and asked her 'do I scare you?'. She answered 'yes, you do scare me.' I asked why, and she said because you're known as the 'relationship guy'. I asked her if she ever felt like i was pushing for a relationship with her, and/or if i was smothering her (which would have been impossible because of how slow ive been taking it). She said no i wasnt doing any of that but my reputation is what scares her. I told her that going into this I had no expectations and im happy being single right now, happy with where her and i are at right now, taking it slow. Having said that, i mentioned, i dont want to stop seeing you, I have developed very strong feelings for you and am curious where this can go. I also mentioned, that although im not ready for a relationship right now, i do want to continue to see her and see where it goes. She said she is in the exact same boat, and was very relieved to have the conversation. She said she would love to go on the date with me now that she has a clearer view of what my expectations are. She said she isnt ready for a relationship now but is very attracted to me and has had a fantastic time with me every time she sees me. She said it should be obvious due to the amount of time she spends with me the night after we hangout (i.e. lying in bed till 4,5,6 PM the next day). After we went out for dinner, she went home and texted me an hour later saying 'I had a lot of fun with you the past 2 days '. With this update, and now our expectations aligned, what am i to do? Seems as though i continue to take it slow, hangout, have sex and see what happens. Although there is a part of me that says had she REALLY liked me she would have no problem becoming exclusive at this point, and that maybe she doesnt see a future with me at all...Im still confused because i feel im more into her than she is me. I know she is incredibly attracted to me, and has admitted that she has an incredible polarizing attraction to me, something she hasnt felt for anyone. But i feel like we lack a platonic aspect in the relationship. Please respond with advice or analysis. I really care for this woman and see long term potential, but dont want to over commit and get burnt. Is there a chance with this woman if i continue to go slow and play it 'cool', or am i just her booty call that provides her all the warm fuzzy feelings a bf does without the commitment? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 OP, if I looked at your first and last post, which I did, and not read the in between discussion, I'd opine the lady is likely LTR or M with someone else and you are a side dish. I noted fast sex and she's coming over to your place in both anecdotes shared. Combined with her '10' status, things line up perfectly. I've known a number of MW's like this. In any event, date other ladies who present consistent behaviors which are synergistic with your own. This lady says she's 'scared' of you being the 'relationship guy'. If she wasn't a ten you'd be gone already. Execute your prime directive. Link to post Share on other sites
kimberlydoll Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Based on her behavior its obvious shes a 10 but Im not convinced you are. If you were a 10 like her, I feel shed be more focused on you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Please respond with advice or analysis. I really care for this woman and see long term potential, but dont want to over commit and get burnt. Is there a chance with this woman if i continue to go slow and play it 'cool', or am i just her booty call that provides her all the warm fuzzy feelings a bf does without the commitment? So she said you're known as the relationship guy, eh? And that's what the tentativeness is about... she thinks you're fine entertainment but she's holding you at arm's length. There is an element missing that keeps her from seeing you as the catch that she doesn't want to let get away. I'm guessing it's got to do with the wanting what you can't have/taking what you do have for granted. Being a #10 with basically all the men in the world available to her, I'm guessing she feels that Mr. Forever should be a challenge, an alpha male type, and that you're a little too easy. I think she senses that she could wrap you up in ten minutes if she wanted to, and she really wants that situation to be reversed, or for it to at least be a dance. I think you need to become a slightly less available, not quite accommodating, a tad aloof. For instance, make sure you're the one terminating phone conversations, telling her when it's time to go home, going out with the boys sometimes and letting her think that sometimes the pink is not the only thing on your mind. You make decisions without asking for her opinion sometime (or all the time). Just subtle things to signal that you're in control. This is the push/pull effect and it's a reality despite being disparaged by many. It's used in dog training all the time... if you want a dog to desire something very badly, then you tease it and limit access. The more you push away the harder the dog will work to get it. With people it's a more subtle thing, but make no mistake, it is a reality. In the meantime keep f*ucking her really good because that turns on those brain chemicals that make you fall in love, of course it's going to continue to have that effect on you as well. Make the time you spend together the most wonderful it can be, but you be the one to orchestrate the frequency and timing. Learn her interval and sometimes make her wait an extra day or two. Stare straight into the pupils of her eyes without blinking, seeming uncomfortable or averting your gaze... keep her guessing what might happen next. Surprise her, make it wonderful and then back off a bit. That's my opinion, but you're the one with the #10, not me. Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 (edited) At one point i asked her on a future date and she was non-commital about it and tried to avoid giving an answer. I called her on it and...she said because you're known as the 'relationship guy'. .... I told her that going into this I had no expectations and im happy being single right now, happy with where her and i are at right now, taking it slow. Having said that, i mentioned, i dont want to stop seeing you, I have developed very strong feelings for you and am curious where this can go. I also mentioned, that although im not ready for a relationship right now, i do want to continue to see her and see where it goes. With this update, and now our expectations aligned, what am i to do? Seems as though i continue to take it slow, hangout, have sex and see what happens. Although there is a part of me that says had she REALLY liked me she would have no problem becoming exclusive at this point, and that maybe she doesnt see a future with me at all...Im still confused because i feel im more into her than she is me. I know she is incredibly attracted to me, and has admitted that she has an incredible polarizing attraction to me, something she hasnt felt for anyone. But i feel like we lack a platonic aspect in the relationship. Please respond with advice or analysis. I really care for this woman and see long term potential, but dont want to over commit and get burnt. Is there a chance with this woman if i continue to go slow and play it 'cool', or am i just her booty call that provides her all the warm fuzzy feelings a bf does without the commitment? Just glanced over the OP and your update, so I might be unaware of a key fact buried elsewhere in the thread...apologies if that's the case. Unfortunately, because she is a "ten," you are trying to settle for less than you really want in this arrangement. You keep trying to go slow "enough" to appease her...and are hoping that she will eventually come around to wanting more with you. She doesn't, and she probably never will. She just wants sex and cuddling when she's with you. That's it. She's perfectly content. It's an arrangement of pleasure when it's convenient. Nothing more. She's not looking for all the other "deeper" aspects of a full-fledged BF/GF relationship that you really want. At some point, you will have to accept that. There are some women who will keep an FWB on the side, while they look for a "real" relationship with someone else. They'll do it because it allows them to focus on the person that is important to them, without getting sidetracked by their horniness and "ruining" things. It's possible you are a "safety valve" to release stream when she needs it. When she secures the right man in a relationship, she would drop you like a hot potato. She has been completely honest with you about the limitations of what she wants from you and what she is willing to give you. So, you would only have yourself to blame at that point. Please learn to take people for what they tell you they can offer you. You also have to learn to be honest. The only person you hurt was yourself when you tried to keep things going by saying you were happy with the status quo. Never go in hoping someone will change their mind about you and want more with you. She doesn't see you that way. Would you rather have an eight, contentment, and all of your relationship needs fully satisfied, or a hard-to-ever-grasp sliver of a ten when it suits the ten and your current feelings of dissatisfaction, concern, and confusion? I think you'll be happier if you pick women who want the same things that you do. But it's your choice. Good luck with your decision. Edited February 25, 2013 by Cutiepie1976 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LampLighter Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 This is the absolute truth. If she wasnt such a great catch I wouldn't be wasting my time with her. The frustrating thing is she is a great catch, and a woman I see LTR potential with. Im fully aware that if she saw LTR with me we would already be in an exclusive relationship. I also know that if I keep pursuing her Im just going to hurt myself even more. Ill keep it friendly with her but am definitely keeping her at arms length. Im sure we will continue to have sex and one off dates, but im also going to control there frequency. This is more of a coping mechanism for me then a strategy to win her heart. While I do still want her, i realize that isnt a possibility at this point, thus will not hold out for it. I just recently got out of a 4.5 year relationship 4 months ago and am very appreciative of the lesson this has taught me. Ive come to the realization that I am very dependent on having a woman in my life, and understand how toxic that is on my emotions. This experience is pushing me towards independence and personal self-fufillment, not dependency on the other sex. I believe the reason I want/wanted this woman so badly was because of her independence and unavailability. It was a challenge for me, a challenge that no woman has ever shown me. I appreciate all the candid feedback and look forward to contributing to everyone else's personal development as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Bravo, OP! What a graceful reply. Link to post Share on other sites
happykat Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Wowwee!! -- isn't all this strategizing exhausting? Isn't there a point where you realize that the other person is just simply not on the same page right now, and if you need to keep playing all these games this relationship is just not worth it. I'd rather have my peace of mind than always be on edge about whether this "10" really wants me or not... blehhhh Link to post Share on other sites
Author LampLighter Posted February 26, 2013 Author Share Posted February 26, 2013 Ok, so tonight, after she finished work, around 10, she shows up to my house. We have sex, and chill till about 12:30 then she left...am i to not read too much into this either? Haha. Although she is clearly a nympho she obviously is developing some feelings for me too. Starting to doubt there is anyone else on the side... Link to post Share on other sites
RemiHoney Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 Be careful. Don't make yourself too available now. I think some of the recent advice you just got from an above commenter should be used. To me it sounds like there's still more to be unveiled so just don't let your guard completely down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LampLighter Posted March 4, 2013 Author Share Posted March 4, 2013 Hey all...Im legitimately at my wits end with this woman. Update: So after last weekend of spending Saturday, sunday, monday night together we share some infrequent texting during the week and make no formal plans for the weekend. Messaging back and forth Saturday morning, probably 2-3 text back and forth, I eventully say, 'message me after work, we should hangout tonight.' She didnt message me until 1:30 PM the next day, saying, 'Sorry, had to work late last night. I hate working 12 hour days on Saturday! How has your weekend been?'. Now I know she is verybusy at the moment with work, we're in the same industry, so i know this is true; but how in between the time I invited her out (11:00 AM Saturday), and when she returned the text did she not have the decency to reply? Essentially im mentally exhausted from the mixed messages she shows me. Inviting me on dates one weekend, showing high levels of interest, to leaving me in limbo for 30 hours...I havent messaged her back and im unsure how to play this. The logical adult in me says to message her back, cordially, but to be short and not push the conversation. The 5 year old, attention starved toddler in me says to completely ignore her and not message her at all. Thoughts? Why is she constantly playing this hot and cold with me... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 4, 2013 Share Posted March 4, 2013 See my advice above. *Date* other ladies. You're not dating this one. Move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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