GreySkyMorning Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Maybe I should thank Leo. For all the things that have been in my head the last months, he's putting the MM voice to it and I'm starting to understand a few things. One, I've wasted almost two years of my life apparently. Two, there will never be a day that I'll ever be enough for him to leave her and be with me. Never. There will always be some reason that he won't leave and it will always be my fault, something I've done wrong. I gave him a deadline. March 15, my graduation, he has to choose. No more of this. He keeps saying he's going to be at the banquet the night before , spend the night with me, and go to graduation the next day. I'm preparing myself because i have a feeling how this is all going to go down. Something will happen at home. There will be some sort of drama and he'll say he can't leave to come up here because of it. I'll be upset because he's been promising me for almost two years that he'll be here. He'll say that I'm being hateful and mean because I'm upset. Suddenly, I'll be "nuts" for not being more patient and understanding with him. He'll have to break up with me then, but it'll be all my fault because i pushed him away by being crazy. And really, it'll be me breaking up with him because I'm mad.
ComingInHot Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 GreySky; I wish I could give you a hug! This should be a time to cekebrate your hard work & achievements, not be distracted by wondering if the mm you love will break his promise and Not be at such a wonderful event. Even guys I knew I wasn't going to marry came to events that were important to me & vis-a-versa. But You set a date to walk. That takes great strength!! Have you thought about sharing your LS posts w/MM? Not something I'd suggest often but in your stitch and w/your sincerity, maybe it would give him real insight into what you deal w/on a daily basis in this A. (Maybe it would also enlighten him on what a dipsh$t he's being** ) 1
anna121 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 One suggestion. Don't give him that power over your grad. Won't you be upset if he doesn't show? Why risk ruining what should be a fabulous day dedicated to celebrating your achievement? 4
ForeverGuilt Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 It is amazing how they turn it to be our fault that the relationship is ending. These men are very cunning. I will say that this forum has helped me understand that my situation is not unique and he said all the same things that MANY other men said to their OW. I really thought what we had was special, but it's not. It depresses me when I read that same words that come out of other MM's mouths. I really think they do fall 'in love' with us or the idea of us. But, it is too much effort to make a change. I hope you can enjoy your special graduation day without the thoughts of your situation shadowing it. As I sit here, my xMM is on vacation with his wife and it is painful to think about. But, I know, and he has told me he just can't leave. No kids involved either. Hang in there, and hugs and congratulations on your graduation. You will find many great things waiting for you on the other side of this. I know we both will. 1
Realist3 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I never liked the idea of the deadline being on your graduation. The fact is, is that he knows TODAY what his decision is. You have been together for two years. Is he really going to spend the next thirty days playing 'eenie meenie miney mo'? Doubtful. In the lead up to what should be one of the best moments of your life he should not have you on pins and needles. If he does end up coming to the graduation and tells you he is staying with his wife that would be one of the lowest acts I could imagine. Since you strongly sense he is staying with her then I would tell him not to come. He is only welcome if his decision is you. End the charade. 1
spice4life Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 (edited) I never liked the idea of the deadline being on your graduation. The fact is, is that he knows TODAY what his decision is. You have been together for two years. Is he really going to spend the next thirty days playing 'eenie meenie miney mo'? Doubtful. In the lead up to what should be one of the best moments of your life he should not have you on pins and needles. If he does end up coming to the graduation and tells you he is staying with his wife that would be one of the lowest acts I could imagine. Since you strongly sense he is staying with her then I would tell him not to come. He is only welcome if his decision is you. End the charade. I agree with realist and the previous poster; tell him not to come! This is your day and you do not need his crazy making drama stuff. That's how narcissist operate. They can't stand someone else having the spotlight so they create drama and take it away. Tell him not to come for your own self protection! This day is about you so don't let him take that away! And then do some inner work to figure out why you would even set yourself up like that. Something in you is allowing his drama to create havoc. Edited February 16, 2013 by spice4life
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I never liked the idea of the deadline being on your graduation. The fact is, is that he knows TODAY what his decision is. You have been together for two years. Is he really going to spend the next thirty days playing 'eenie meenie miney mo'? Doubtful. In the lead up to what should be one of the best moments of your life he should not have you on pins and needles. If he does end up coming to the graduation and tells you he is staying with his wife that would be one of the lowest acts I could imagine. Since you strongly sense he is staying with her then I would tell him not to come. He is only welcome if his decision is you. End the charade. Completely agree. This is YOUR BIG DAY. Graduating! All the hard work you've done, you've earned this! don't let this schmuck ruin your special day. You want true and loving people there, ones who have your back and genuinally care for you sitting in the crowd watching you. NOT a selfish MM who can't shi.t or get off the pot. If he comes, I am telling you, there's going to be drama, heartache and pain. ON YOUR SPECIAL DAY. Tell him forget and not to bother showing up. Also, you say your family doesn't know of your A, so graduation day was the same day they were all going to meet? If this is the case, that just adds more fuel to this impending fire that could very well blow up and cause a lot of strife. 3
Author GreySkyMorning Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 I'm such a fool, aren't I? I want so bad to believe he's going to be different. I don't want to tell him not to come because i keep hoping maybe he really will come through this time. In my head, i know better. How do i turn off my heart? At this moment, he's out to dinner with her. For all of his talk to me about how they're just roommates, i know better. He feeds me the same line too about them never having sex. My head knows better!! Yesterday was her birthday. He got her a cake and I'm sure they celebrated. He was at my house the week after my birthday. There was no card or gift or cake for me, just some happy birthday texts. He told me about how she didn't get him even a cake for his birthday. He was with me that day. My kids and i even made him a cake!!!! She got flowers for valentines, i got a text. Not even a phone call. She posted on her Facebook this morning that she had a great birthday yesterday. I wonder how great it would have been if she'd known her husband texted his lover about 400 times yesterday and told me he loved me many times.
2sure Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I'm positive if she knew he texted you and said he loved you , her birthday or any other day would suck. But you have to remember that texts and I love you are just words. Easy to say, not even in person. Like you said, he doesn't recognize your birthday with a gift or cake or time. Hers, he does. He is very important to himself. His wife clearly comes after him which isn't right. But you have words and hang onto promises you know he has no intention of changing from words to actions. What does your relationship mean to him? It falls under things that are important to him when he wants to see you. That doesn't make YOU important, it makes him getting to see you when he wants to important. It's about him. 1
truthbetold Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I'm such a fool, aren't I? I want so bad to believe he's going to be different. I don't want to tell him not to come because i keep hoping maybe he really will come through this time. In my head, i know better. How do i turn off my heart? At this moment, he's out to dinner with her. For all of his talk to me about how they're just roommates, i know better. He feeds me the same line too about them never having sex. My head knows better!! Yesterday was her birthday. He got her a cake and I'm sure they celebrated. He was at my house the week after my birthday. There was no card or gift or cake for me, just some happy birthday texts. He told me about how she didn't get him even a cake for his birthday. He was with me that day. My kids and i even made him a cake!!!! She got flowers for valentines, i got a text. Not even a phone call. She posted on her Facebook this morning that she had a great birthday yesterday. I wonder how great it would have been if she'd known her husband texted his lover about 400 times yesterday and told me he loved me many times. Do you know for a fact that the day he told you is his birthday is true? Is it possible he made up another day to say is his birthday so he does spend the actual one with her? If not, is it possible he could have explained his absence on his birthday that he was working? Was he with you all day and night? No, it really doesn't sound like he has plans to leave. Not in what would be basically a month. He sure wouldn't be making loving gestures and spending more time with his wife, he'd be distancing himself. I agree with those that said to try to let go now, so that you can embrace your day with joy and anticipation for the future. A new beginning without looking back. I wish you the best.
Realist3 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 You are not a fool. You have just given him too much leeway. Take his option away. The way you get someone to make a decision is to take their option away. I hate to say it, but it is a power play. If you take your option of the table, then you force his hand. He is no longer the one that gets to decide what happens. You own the dynamic. It can be difficult to execute, but in the end you know where you stand. 1
LFH Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 One suggestion. Don't give him that power over your grad. Won't you be upset if he doesn't show? Why risk ruining what should be a fabulous day dedicated to celebrating your achievement? You deserve to enjoy your graduation. Don't.. please don't let him make it about him in ANY case or resolution. I'd set a different date. No matter what you have earned your day, you don't want to always remember it as a day that was about someone else no matter how that turns out.
HonestNeurotic Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 easy to say - but hard to do - But I'd say: I'm counting on you to NOT be here for my graduation. If you show up, great, but know I've plans to do such and such that day. I need to stay focused on my graduation and feel accomplished and have no room for disappointment in the actions of others right now. I don't wish to discuss this any further. Or something that lets him know that YOUR personal happiness is not going to be controlled by HIM. Love shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't be able to ruin your ACHIEVEMENT. Congratulations, btw. See, YOU did that. No one else - YOU! 2
chaser0195 Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 (((Grey)))), you are not a fool. You are a person that has wants and needs and you want them to be fullfilled by the one you love. Almost everyone here has felt the same way as you do. We hold on giving them chance after chance, having patience and waiting for them to square everything away so they can be with us. We hope if we hold on that this time will be different and this time they will choose us. Why do we hold on to these OM\OM
waterwoman Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 She posted on her Facebook this morning that she had a great birthday yesterday. I wonder how great it would have been if she'd known her husband texted his lover about 400 times yesterday and told me he loved me many times. I don't know about her, but it made ME feel like less than nothing when I found out. Every special day that occurred during the affair became poisoned. My birthday, my youngest son and my daughter's birthdays, H's 50th, his massive party, the day out at a race track that I paid for as his present, ALL of them. Tainted! Hope that answers your question. Don't let the lying BASTARD spoil your special day too x 3
Author GreySkyMorning Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 I don't know about her, but it made ME feel like less than nothing when I found out. Every special day that occurred during the affair became poisoned. My birthday, my youngest son and my daughter's birthdays, H's 50th, his massive party, the day out at a race track that I paid for as his present, ALL of them. Tainted! Hope that answers your question. Don't let the lying BASTARD spoil your special day too x I feel like less than nothing all the time now. There's not been a single day since July of 2011 that I haven't cried at some point. I let this man completely destroy my self esteem and any good feelings I still held about myself at all. I kept wanting to believe he wasn't what he is. I still want to believe everything he told me about us is true, because if it's not, then what kind of person does that make me? He told me i was special, beautiful, every good thing a person could say to boost up someone else. He told me he loved me so much, that he's loved me from the time we were together 19 years ago, that he never stopped loving me all those years. He always told me all those things that not another man in my life has ever said to me. He made me feel like no one else ever had, not even the man i was married to for 14 years. So, if everything he said was a lie, then what? Leo's posts on here made me really start looking at things. I could see the whole thing from his OW's eyes and could hear him as my MM. We've had that same fight so many times and i would always come out feeling crazy on the other end of it. He expected complete loyalty and faithfulness from me. I willingly gave it. I think part of the reason i did was so that one day, he'd wake up and realize how much i love him and decide i was worth being with after all. There was one blowup in May of 2012 when I asked him point blank if he seen us together in the future. His response was "not in the immediate future". It hit me so hard. I broke off contact with him right then. Didnt respond to anything else he said. That weekend, an old friend was around and i had sex with him. I was heartbroken, couldn't stand spending another night alone, so i let him in. Two days later, i started talking to MM again and then told him what had happened. He went off the deep end about how I'd cheated on him, must not love him, I'd never loved him, I'd obviously been cheating on him all along. God, he made me feel so horrible. He never could see that he might have had something to do with it at all. A month later, we were fighting again and he admitted that he'd had sex with his wife recently because he was in a bad mood, she wanted it and he thought it might help his mood. He'd lied to me repeatedly for a month before that, to my face, that they'd not had sex. He never once apologized for lying about that. He actually got mad at me for being upset about it. Of course then, THAT was the only time he's ever lied to me and he just did it to protect my feelings. I'm not stupid. I know he lies. He sat at my kitchen table in front of me talking to her on the phone, lying to her about where he was. I know if he lies to her that easily, he's lying to me just the same. A friend of mine messaged her on Facebook and told her what was going on. I don't think she's ever got the message. Facebook sends messages to an "other" folder now if its not someone on your friend list. I didn't even know that existed until recently when I stumbled onto it and found two year old messages in mine. I was really upset when I first found out the message had been sent. After time, I started seeing some relief from it because I kept thinking finally it would be out in the open and there would be some kind of resolution, one way or the other, good or bad. But I'm pretty sure she's never seen it and its still sitting there. I've never been this kind of person before, why am I being her now? I've been on the other side before. I know the pain of it. I can't figure out why I'm being the woman that causes that pain to someone else now. I've been divorced for ten years and just found out in the last month that my ex husband had cheated on me. It still hurt, even now.
spice4life Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I feel like less than nothing all the time now. There's not been a single day since July of 2011 that I haven't cried at some point. I let this man completely destroy my self esteem and any good feelings I still held about myself at all. I kept wanting to believe he wasn't what he is. I still want to believe everything he told me about us is true, because if it's not, then what kind of person does that make me? He told me i was special, beautiful, every good thing a person could say to boost up someone else. He told me he loved me so much, that he's loved me from the time we were together 19 years ago, that he never stopped loving me all those years. He always told me all those things that not another man in my life has ever said to me. He made me feel like no one else ever had, not even the man i was married to for 14 years. So, if everything he said was a lie, then what? Leo's posts on here made me really start looking at things. I could see the whole thing from his OW's eyes and could hear him as my MM. We've had that same fight so many times and i would always come out feeling crazy on the other end of it. He expected complete loyalty and faithfulness from me. I willingly gave it. I think part of the reason i did was so that one day, he'd wake up and realize how much i love him and decide i was worth being with after all. There was one blowup in May of 2012 when I asked him point blank if he seen us together in the future. His response was "not in the immediate future". It hit me so hard. I broke off contact with him right then. Didnt respond to anything else he said. That weekend, an old friend was around and i had sex with him. I was heartbroken, couldn't stand spending another night alone, so i let him in. Two days later, i started talking to MM again and then told him what had happened. He went off the deep end about how I'd cheated on him, must not love him, I'd never loved him, I'd obviously been cheating on him all along. God, he made me feel so horrible. He never could see that he might have had something to do with it at all. A month later, we were fighting again and he admitted that he'd had sex with his wife recently because he was in a bad mood, she wanted it and he thought it might help his mood. He'd lied to me repeatedly for a month before that, to my face, that they'd not had sex. He never once apologized for lying about that. He actually got mad at me for being upset about it. Of course then, THAT was the only time he's ever lied to me and he just did it to protect my feelings. I'm not stupid. I know he lies. He sat at my kitchen table in front of me talking to her on the phone, lying to her about where he was. I know if he lies to her that easily, he's lying to me just the same. A friend of mine messaged her on Facebook and told her what was going on. I don't think she's ever got the message. Facebook sends messages to an "other" folder now if its not someone on your friend list. I didn't even know that existed until recently when I stumbled onto it and found two year old messages in mine. I was really upset when I first found out the message had been sent. After time, I started seeing some relief from it because I kept thinking finally it would be out in the open and there would be some kind of resolution, one way or the other, good or bad. But I'm pretty sure she's never seen it and its still sitting there. I've never been this kind of person before, why am I being her now? I've been on the other side before. I know the pain of it. I can't figure out why I'm being the woman that causes that pain to someone else now. I've been divorced for ten years and just found out in the last month that my ex husband had cheated on me. It still hurt, even now. GreySkyMorning, your posts are melting my heart because the pain your experiencing comes right through. (((Hugs))) You are an awesome person who deserves so much more than you are getting from this man. He is an expert when it comes to spinning things around so you feel like everything is your fault. Well, you know what? It's not all your fault. You are trying to advance your life and be happy and that's what you should be doing. And when he tried to make you feel like garbage for reaching out to someone else is really his own projection of what he is doing to you. He doesn't want to take responsibility for stringing you along by tossing crumbs your way to keep you on the hook. Accepting responsibility for his actions would mean admitting that he's not the "stellar" dude he thinks he is. It also wouldn't allow him to function within the compartments he has set up in his life. I agree with realist when he said that you need to take YOU as an option off the table. I don't agree that it's a power play because it isn't. As long as you aren't using it to manipulate him to get off the fence then it's YOU setting a healthy boundary for yourself and the life you're trying to build. You have to decide what it is that you want and need in life and take him completely out of the equation. A person who is committed elsewhere does not have a right to expect you to make them a part of the equation. Especially if their actions are telling you otherwise. You have every right in the world to make YOU the option in YOUR life. Once you do that everything will start falling into place and people who truly care about you will be happy to join your circle and give you what you deserve.
stevie_23 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Maybe I should thank Leo. For all the things that have been in my head the last months, he's putting the MM voice to it and I'm starting to understand a few things. One, I've wasted almost two years of my life apparently. Two, there will never be a day that I'll ever be enough for him to leave her and be with me. Never. There will always be some reason that he won't leave and it will always be my fault, something I've done wrong. I gave him a deadline. March 15, my graduation, he has to choose. No more of this. He keeps saying he's going to be at the banquet the night before , spend the night with me, and go to graduation the next day. I'm preparing myself because i have a feeling how this is all going to go down. Something will happen at home. There will be some sort of drama and he'll say he can't leave to come up here because of it. I'll be upset because he's been promising me for almost two years that he'll be here. He'll say that I'm being hateful and mean because I'm upset. Suddenly, I'll be "nuts" for not being more patient and understanding with him. He'll have to break up with me then, but it'll be all my fault because i pushed him away by being crazy. And really, it'll be me breaking up with him because I'm mad. You’d be breaking up with him because you’re sick of never being enough. Unfortunately, it sounds as if a major event in your life will be ruined though. Your graduation won’t be about YOU. Instead, it’ll be about HIM. 10 years later when you look back at that time in your life, your graduation, do you think you’ll be happy associating it with negative him-related stuff instead of the fact you’ve made this great accomplishment?
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