Nalgene Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 Hello all, I am very inexperienced in the dating field and I would like some helps understanding some of the concepts. As the topic suggests, I am trying to understand precisely what does "playing games" mean. Is there any clear cut definition at all? Or, is there any consensus to what it consists? Is it simply dishonesty? Manipulation? Ambiguity? I have seen a lot of hostility regarding people who "play games," it seems to be used as a patronizing, accusing, condescending term. It appears there is some consensus that a person who "plays game" is unworthy, frustrating, selfish, or generally abominable; at least that's the sentiment I perceived. Yet, nobody ever bothers to explain what it is, why is it detestable, etc. It would be helpful if you can tell me what does "playing games" means to you; provide some examples, and share your opinion on it -- is it good? bad? neutral? useful? necessarily-harmful? How can you tell if someone is playing game? Any comments will be appreciated. Thank you for helping me clarify this. -G. Nalgene
billybadass36 Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 At my age (28), playing games includes things such as: not calling after a prescribed period of time to "not look too eager" or to "look like you have a full life" or to "look more attractive" to the other person; and telling soemone you're dating all kinds of b.s. about commitment and stuff and then bowing out at the first sign of adversity or when the slightest bit of routine sets in (usually shortly after serious physical intimacy has begun). Those are the big ones from my standpoint, and I've been both guilty of and the victim of game playing.
surfergirl Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 Playing games is just what is states....you are playing with their emotions and feelings. Trying to make them feel or do something you want...maybe to get a certain reaction they otherwise would not do. I have someone playing games with me... for example... I was down the other day putting gas in my jet ski and and my ex drove down to tell me he was going to pick up a "friend". Why would he drive all that way just to tell me he had plans with a mutual "friend". May I say he's figured out the "friend" is interested in me. The "friend" is holding off starting anything out of respect but we both are getting "played" because the ex is "blocking" on purpose or for spite.... Does that make sense????
Bart_Weisser Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 Originally posted by surfergirl The "friend" is holding off starting anything out of respect but we both are getting "played" because the ex is "blocking" on purpose or for spite.... Does that make sense???? SG: It does make sense, but I wouldn't call that "playing". Even if you're more interested in your "friend" than your ex (at the time of the incident, of course) I don't think he fancies "handing you over" to your "friend" on a silver platter. What would you do if you were the ex? I have to admit, what your ex did wasn't exactly very elegant (from your point of view), but he did what he had to do to protect his interests. This is different from playing. It's some kind of undue influence that puts you under control (emotionally) of another, or making you think something that's actually not. I don't think playing is morally wrong, as long as both sides know that they are in a game. What I have problem with, is that some people would take advantage of the ignorance of others to keep them chained, for the sake of control, or when a "player" complains about being played. Sorry, there is a price for every risk you take, and you don't always win. BW.
surfergirl Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 BW - I call him "playing" because he's not being a "player" he's just playing games. He is trying to do whatever he can to make sure that I'm unhappy. I gave him every opportunity to make our relationship work but when he said that he could see no room for improvement on his part that is when I ended it. No one is perfect!!! After that the spark fizzled out..... 5 months later I met up with a mutual friend and the sparks are flying. Out of respect we are holding off but I'm also seeing other people hoping that he will move on. He is purposely doing this to make me unhappy. That's playing with the both of us......he has a sick sense of humor. As far as the shoe being on the other foot so to speak if I truly cared about someone and the relationship didn't work I would not have a problem if they found love in a friend. Because you can't help who you fall for. He may succeed in what he's doing and that's ok too because there are an awful lot of singles out there who wouldn't mind dating an ex model!!!!! What do you guys think????
Fayebelle Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 Don't do it! Take all the examples listed above as ideas of what not to do! Just be yourself and you will find the person meant for you.
blue_eyes18 Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 Playing games are playing games, meaning doing what is not real, just messing around, not being honest or sincere, making something seem what it is not, using someone for benefits or entertainment, and all the other lame-a$$ reasons. Why can't people just be honest these days and stop the f'n around?
Bart_Weisser Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 SG: I call him "playing" because he's not being a "player" he's just playing games. He is trying to do whatever he can to make sure that I'm unhappy... All assured, I wasn't trying to justify your ex's behaviour, nor would I endorse it. All I am saying is that he was protecting himself. It is sad that, he had made you very unhappy in the process. As far as the shoe being on the other foot so to speak if I truly cared about someone and the relationship didn't work I would not have a problem if they found love in a friend. Because you can't help who you fall for. It's easier said than done, and I am coming from a practical point of view. What you said is possible, but takes a lot of maturity and self-control to do. Of course, being the dumper (we all had our turns) we will have no trouble preaching that "care enough to let go" line, since we, in those occasions, don't have to stay around for the aftermath. Just imagine, we can all watch Rambo patching up his own wounds (anybody remember that?) but would we be able to do it ourselves, even though you know this is the only way to survive? BW.
blue_eyes18 Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 YOu know, BW, you are exactly right. So I guess he is what, just trying to keep me around to play with or what? Or sometimes I jsut wonder if it is because he is in a clinic. I don't know that much about drugs really, but I know enough. I mean, if you care enough to let go, as he is telling me, then why in the hell did he show back up on my doorstep today asking me back out? Then, said maybe we should just be friends? Lord help that guy. I can'ty handle it anymore. He just makes me feel so sorry for him! I don't know if he truely wants me to wait or is just messin around. I know I sound ridiculous even asking this question, but if you only knew him better you would understand.
Bart_Weisser Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 You know, BW, you are exactly right. Thank you (you don't see it, but I am blushing already). So I guess he is what, just trying to keep me around to play with or what? ... I mean, if you care enough to let go, as he is telling me, then why in the hell did he show back up on my doorstep today asking me back out? Then, said maybe we should just be friends? In my opinion, I don't think he's trying to play you. It sounds more like he has trouble controlling himself, let alone controlling you. Maybe he realised he has made a mistake and wants to get back in your circle. But it sounds to me he is plain confused. If I read right about clinic part, I am really really sorry for you and your bf. I hope both of you will recover from it soon (you emotionally and him clinically). I know I sound ridiculous even asking this question, but if you only knew him better you would understand. No worries. We are just throwing educated pot-shots. Maybe one would work, maybe not. This you have to decide. Good luck! BW.
blue_eyes18 Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 Hee, hee, thanx! You make alot of sense, I just wished I knew what he is so confused about! I know he likes me a lot and all that. It is hard to explain. I just figured that he would want a realationship with me if he likes me so much and all that. I don't mean to sound like a whiny brat. But I still just wish I knew what he is so confused about, besides the fact that he feels all of this about me. THis is mind boggling. I really thought that he would leave me alone or something for a little while atleast. But naw, he comes knocking on my door saying two different things!
Bart_Weisser Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 I don't mean to sound like a whiny brat. But I still just wish I knew what he is so confused about, besides the fact that he feels all of this about me. Maybe the little one has rubbed off on you . Just kidding. Perhaps you should ask him that yourself and weigh him in. The only issue being, he may not even know. In that case he has to figure it out. Cheers, BW.
blue_eyes18 Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 Yeah, I know, I guess he does need to let me know exactly what he is confused about, but he may not know, like you said. That is why I am upset because he acts like he doesn't know!! It seems so crazy to me! His mother called me earlier! I don't know why, I really don't know her that well, but she knows her son. I guess she is just trying to help. I hope the drugs he used to be on have not done something to his personality to make him this way. He is only 23. I really don't understand a lot of it, but I do know that his intentions are well I believe. I wish that he could figure out what is wrong now that I have started caring about him, because this is so hard to deal with. He said he knew he was stressing me out. Poor thing, then runs right back to me telling me he wants to be with me. I don't know how to deal with it. I had no idea it would be this way. We agree we need to be friends, but I know it is hard for him to be, like it is with me to be with him now that we felt such a bond. Since I don't know what is causing all of this, I am not sure what to do. I decided to leave him alone, then he comes knocking on my door three days later(today). Then, about 2 hours later it was the same old of "Can we try to be friends, just slow down and take it from there?" If I agree to that, it's like he can't handle it. He acts like it is too hard to pretend we are just friends. Maybe if I can act stronger about all of it, it can help him to figure out everything he is confused about. The main thing is, is I just don't want to confuse me thinking he just needs time to get better or something with him just messing around. I do know for a fact though he is not seeing any other girls. That was why I said earlier, if you actually knew him then you could understand more where I am coming from. A few people, like my brothers friends, tell me to just leave him alone b'c of his drugs. He is not currently doing drugs, just the clinic-type thing. I don't know why I care about him and am letting this worry me. That is why I am having all this trouble. Well, you have definitely helped me in the words of advice you have given me. Thank you so much. It is good to get a different opinion from someone other than the usuals!! Your advice seems really grounded.
Bart_Weisser Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 Blue Eyes: Everybody has his own deamons to fight. Whilst it pains us to see how our loved ones suffer from their vices, we also have to realise that there is little we can do except to watch and be there for them when they need support. The fight is still theirs alone. I know this sounds surreal, but what I find, from my own experience, is that all the world's friends, mentors, and self-help books will amount to nothing if one does not think about it and realise it deeply. Sometimes this is a very long process (it took me half my life and I am still learning new things) and nobody can help, even for those who are willing. From what you wrote, you care for your beau quite a bit, and I encourage you to help him all you can, but you should also be aware that he can only go as fast as he can able (you wouldn't expect a cripple to start running, so to speak). Be patient, and let him figure out what he wants instead of what you think he wants. Think of yourself as his spotter. I believe this would go a long way towards your sanity and his recovery. BW.
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