To the wayward spouses who are trying to reconcile.

[wanderluster]

I guess some of us wayward spouses know for ourselves that we won't do it again, so it's easy for us to continue as if nothing has happened, we have this comfort and it's a difficult for us to see the world through the eyes of our BS, why the doubts, insecurities and the anger lingers.

Riding back seat on this emotional roller coaster, we start to get impatient, and wonder if the marriage is salvageable, we wonder if the spouse still has some form of love for us at all, or just wants us around for comfort, or at times even revenge.

 

I know I forget easily, I block it out, I wish I never did it, and I don't want to define myself as someone who could do this to someone else, ideally, I would love to erase those memories and start again fresh, but we did do it, and we must acknowlege the trauma our BS's are enduring because of our selfishness.

 

It is easy to forget that there is still pain, especially because it is usually, expressed with coldness and resentment instead of tears and sorrow.

When we reach out, they pull away, and we are hurt every time by the rejection.

Naturally, its difficult for us to want to continue, it's extremely discouraging as our efforts go unappreciated and we start to feel like we're not getting through.

We may even want to retaliate with the same coldness, but this is not the right path to reconciliation. Their anger must be conquered with our compassion empathy and understanding.

 

We must remember that we hurt our BS's in one of the worst possible ways and scarred them for life, so they will, of course, have their guard up, and they will, of course, sheild their pain with anger, as anger makes people feel less weak, and the last thing our BS's want to be is vulnerable with us again.

 

Inspired, by reading many of the betrayed spouses stories on this forum,*I decided to write my husbands story down, in detail, from his point of view.

Of course I couldn't capture the true agony he felt, but I could only imagine what he might have been feeling.

 

This really helped me with understanding my husband, his ever-changing moods, his coldness, seeing the relationship and seeing myself through his eyes.

I think this is a great exercise for any wayward spouse trying to reconcile to understand the reality of the damage they've caused.

 

I try to read it every time I feel my husband is angry at me.

You have to be honest, portray yourself as the 'bad guy'.

You're not the victim, they are.

No minimizing, no if's or but's, just write down the brutally honest truth of what your BS had to witness you doing to them- the indifference they put up with, the neglect they felt, the lies they believed because they loved you and above all, remember they are still trying to forgive you for it.

 

Make note of every single tiny detail, suspicion and emotion and re-read it. It will only give you a glimpse into their world, but you need something to remind you of their pain just as they are constantly reminded with every trigger of the memories you gave them.

[road]

WS's must not trickle truth.

 

WS's must answer every question their spouse asks them about the affair.

 

Refusing to discuss the affair will have a recovered marriage that never really recovered.

[nofool4u]

Very well said WL.

 

And remember, you may know in your heart of hearts that you won't do it again(although you know we have to be skeptical).

 

But your H doesn't know you won't do it again and certainly has a right to be skeptical, from now until the end.

[beenburned]

WL,

 

Thank you for sharing this!

 

I love the article about "the puzzle"! It also touches on how betrayed spouses are constantly trying to fill in the missing pieces of the puzzle, in order to clearly see the big picture.