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February 18, 2013

You can be 'happy' again, in 13 minutes.

February 18, 2013

About no contact - I didn't actually go no contact because of anything anyone here suggested. I had been posting here for quite some time after my breakup, but did not feel that no contact applied to me because my ex had said that he hoped we could have a relationship again in the future, just not "before this summer." (In retrospect I at that)

there were actually two different reasons I went no contact:

The first was that I bought a book about breakups that I thought looked really interesting, and inside it, it recommended (well, more like DEMANDED) that you go 60 days without contacting your ex. The logic behind this is that 60 days is enough time to sufficiently adjust to your ex no longer being a part of your life, and it gives you enough time to cycle through your own emotions and develop a sense of perspective before initiating contact with your ex again. You know what they found? At the end of 60 days, most people didn't even feel the need to contact their exes. I would recommend this to most people because I find that "No Contact" with the idea that you'll never, ever speak to them again can cause a lot of anxiety and can actually make you want to contact your ex more than you normally would have. It just applies a different mind-set to "No Contact," but has the same effect.

The second reason was because I began going to counseling after my breakup, due to intense anxiety and panic attacks. What I realized is that the panic attacks were coming from the fact that nothing was changing. I was doing the same things over and over again but hoping that somehow the results would eventually be different. Something needed to change, and since my ex was making it clear that he had made his decision and did not want to be in a relationship right now - I was the one who had to change things. I had to remove him from my life or else the anxiety and panic attacks would just continue and cycle. And honestly, I've found that they have. Do I still sometimes have anxiety and panic attacks when I realize I haven't/won't speak to him? Yes. But they're no where near as bad as the ones I was having when I would talk to him and realize, over and over again, that he didn't want to be with me.

You can't "work something out" with just one person. Keeping in touch with your ex isn't going to help you work things out, and repeatedly attempting to contact them to "work things out" when they don't want to work things out does not mean you are "communicating," it means you're annoying them. If they want to work things out, they will tell you that they want to work things out. Otherwise - they don't.

February 18, 2013

Hi na, I'm not Tara, but hope you don't mind me putting in my two pennies worth....

IMO she was 'just' saying she misses you and misses talking to you- full stop. No more, no less. She was not saying 'I made a huge mistake, I want you back etc. It is usually pretty clear when they want to reconcile and even then it may not be genuine.

I blocked an ex of mine - phone, emails, changed my landline number, changed jobs and moved house (the last one wasn't specifically to avoid him).....and he STILL found a way to contact me when he wanted to try again. So even if you have blocked her, I believe she would find a way to contact you if she really wanted to.

My ex still has me blocked, yet still sent me emails. It's creepy and stupid. If the person is sincere, they will show it, they will fight to keep you and be genuine. When they toss breadcrumbs, I sense it is out of boredom and curiosity as well as ego boost.

February 18, 2013

My ex still has me blocked, yet still sent me emails. It's creepy and stupid. If the person is sincere, they will show it, they will fight to keep you and be genuine. When they toss breadcrumbs, I sense it is out of boredom and curiosity as well as ego boost.

You say "fight to keep you" this works both ways doesn't it? It is a demonstration of the love for each other.

But also what about fighting for your relationship, sometimes minor mistakes are made in a relationship by both or one of those involved. But how comes with its to do with fighting for the one you love the consensus by most is always "move on" "forget about them" "let them go" "go no contact"

Just a question I was asking myself the other day. Care to shed anything on it?

February 18, 2013

You say "fight to keep you" this works both ways doesn't it? It is a demonstration of the love for each other.
But also what about fighting for your relationship, sometimes minor mistakes are made in a relationship by both or one of those involved. But how comes with its to do with fighting for the one you love the consensus by most is always "move on" "forget about them" "let them go" "go no contact"

Just a question I was asking myself the other day. Care to shed anything on it?

I did fight, he was left in no doubt I'd have moved heaven and earth to resolve our issues (which were all 'down to me and my personality' apparently - well fancy me showing signs of stress due to still living with my angry son and soon to be ex husband while going through a divorce which I instigated for 'him'!). Made no difference and he has never instigated any contact with me, although he has replied to a couple of mine. I embarrassed and humiliated myself in my attempts to persuade 'him' to work through things when, unbeknown to me, he had already cast his eye elsewhere (which didn't stop him from getting in my bed). He knows my feelings for him, even after all this time - and I suppose that's an ego boost in itself, especially when he considered himself to be 'punching above his weight' with me - and, if he had any interest in me whatsoever then he would have contacted me. He doesn't and his 'disappearing off the face of the earth' makes that clear. He found a way to contact me to let me know his feelings - no matter that I was married - before we got together, so his silence makes his (none) feelings for me now clear.

Edited February 18, 2013 by Jingle14

February 18, 2013

You say "fight to keep you" this works both ways doesn't it? It is a demonstration of the love for each other.
But also what about fighting for your relationship, sometimes minor mistakes are made in a relationship by both or one of those involved. But how comes with its to do with fighting for the one you love the consensus by most is always "move on" "forget about them" "let them go" "go no contact"

Just a question I was asking myself the other day. Care to shed anything on it?

This is just semantics.

"Fight to keep you" is just another way of saying "I'm not ready to let go yet.".

The other person has to be willing to entertain the effort.

The other person has to be willing to co-operate.

A person, on their own, alone, cannot salvage anything, if the other person is reluctant, or has walked away.

A person 'fighting to keep you' when the object of their victory isn't making any moves to indicate that it's a worthwhile 'battle......

.....Such a person is jousting with the breeze.....

February 18, 2013

I did fight, he was left in no doubt I'd have moved heaven and earth to resolve our issues (which were all 'down to me and my personality' apparently - well fancy me showing signs of stress due to still living with my angry son and soon to be ex husband while going through a divorce which I instigated for 'him'!). Made no difference and he has never instigated any contact with me, although he has replied to a couple of mine. I embarrassed and humiliated myself in my attempts to persuade 'him' to work through things when, unbeknown to me, he had already cast his eye elsewhere (which didn't stop him from getting in my bed). He knows my feelings for him, even after all this time - and I suppose that's an ego boost in itself, especially when he considered himself to be 'punching above his weight' with me - and, if he had any interest in me whatsoever then he would have contacted me. He doesn't and his 'disappearing off the face of the earth' makes that clear. He found a way to contact me to let me know his feelings - no matter that I was married - before we got together, so his silence makes his (none) feelings for me now clear.

Don't feel embarrassed or humiliated, it was your personality. And yes that's my point people should not feel that they should do nothing because the will want them back more or do something cause will make them want you less. If someone doesn't want you back no Matter what you do they won't come back. Whether its for the mean time or for the long haul. It's all about knowing when to stop for yourself so that you can heal and better yourself. And I thinking knowing that "I did all I could have done, to make this better" is a good thing to know in the process

Don't wanna be going through life thinking "what if". If anything he will be the in the future thinking "what if"

February 18, 2013

This is just semantics.

"Fight to keep you" is just another way of saying "I'm not ready to let go yet.".

The other person has to be willing to entertain the effort.
The other person has to be willing to co-operate.

A person, on their own, alone, cannot salvage anything, if the other person is reluctant, or has walked away.

A person 'fighting to keep you' when the object of their victory isn't making any moves to indicate that it's a worthwhile 'battle......

.....Such a person is jousting with the breeze.....

Yes I agree, as I said earlier it knowing when to stop. the other person has to be receptive of your actions for anything to work. But knowing that you tried I think is an important step forward for ones self. You try, stop and give space.

February 18, 2013

Me and my ex broke up recently and I think for me personally. The thing that hurt the most was not the break up itself. It was the fact that I had done for her what she was not willing to do for me when it counted.

I might do a thread on this, could really help people out

February 18, 2013

Why not TRY some of the suggestions that Tara and others make.... if nothing helps then stop asking for their advice. Or find a site where people just say what you want to hear!

I feel for you Zammo, really I do. I'm middle aged too and feel I'll never again love or be loved by anyone. But there's more chance of it if I get off my backside and try, than if I sit at hope wallowing in self pity. I wish you luck.

Edited February 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 18, 2013

You say "fight to keep you" this works both ways doesn't it? It is a demonstration of the love for each other.
But also what about fighting for your relationship, sometimes minor mistakes are made in a relationship by both or one of those involved. But how comes with its to do with fighting for the one you love the consensus by most is always "move on" "forget about them" "let them go" "go no contact"

Just a question I was asking myself the other day. Care to shed anything on it?

Hi, Mark:) I am speaking in terms of breadcrumbs, and time waited to toss them;) This fellow tosses them and disappears. It depends on the person. The person that I had to deal with has alot of issues and is not a kind soul. However...if the person is sincere and you know they are a kind, decent person who isn't playing games, by all means respond. In my case, it ended badly and needed to end anyway because he was toxic. It was bad all the way around. I have been in situations where it just simply didn't work out; I left to lick my wounds, and then when I was feeling better, would talk to the ex.

Fight to keep them was poor choice of words on my part. If I was the dumper and I wanted the person back, I would send a long letter getting all my thoughts out or call them up on the phone to discuss it. This fellow sends me a short email and he has motive/game. Hope that sheds some light a little bit:)

February 18, 2013

Here's a novel approach, why not TRY some of the suggestions that Tara and others make.... if nothing helps then stop asking for their advice. Or find a site where people just say what you want to hear!
I feel for you Zammo, really I do. I'm middle aged too and feel I'll never again love or be loved by anyone. But there's more chance of it if I get off my backside and try, than if I sit at hope wallowing in self pity. I wish you luck.

Self pity is horrendous. My Mom taught me to have one day, just one, to have the pity party and then after that get on with life. I also enjoy my own company-I think I was born that way, LOL. Being by myself was never an issue; I have alot of interests and such. It was adjusting after having been treated the way I was treated and then finally learning to accept that he has psycological issues. I had spoken to a few of his ex's and a few contacted me when word got around that I was seeing him. Some friends even warned me--I didn't listen at first. But then it started to show on his part. What a terrible time it was. In this case, responding to him....no good could come of it.

Healing is important and cannot be rushed, but.......feeling sorry for oneself and believing theres' no one for you is a bunch of baloney. It will happen when you least expect it. For now enjoy getting to know YOU again. I adopted a dog, for instance. Walking through a very cool dog park nearby is stress releasing and I have found that though we rescue the animal, the animal in turn, rescues us. If you can't adopt, there are so many things you can do do 'detox', if you will. Exercise is key. Nature walks, volunteering. If it's in the budget, do something cool to your place to change things up. Fresh start is a good thing.

As for Tara's advice, she opened my eyes. I was clouded and emotional. I was confused and neeeded to run my situation by people who weren't brain-fogged as I was. Her advice and encouragement made sense. You will follow your heart and gut no matter who you ask for advice. Tara told me what I already knew in my heart of hearts. There were a few others on here who totally got me as well and then it all started to click. She steered me in the right direction and I was able to slowly pick myself and dust myself off and keep walking.

February 18, 2013

Hi, Mark:) I am speaking in terms of breadcrumbs, and time waited to toss them;) This fellow tosses them and disappears. It depends on the person. The person that I had to deal with has alot of issues and is not a kind soul. However...if the person is sincere and you know they are a kind, decent person who isn't playing games, by all means respond. In my case, it ended badly and needed to end anyway because he was toxic. It was bad all the way around. I have been in situations where it just simply didn't work out; I left to lick my wounds, and then when I was feeling better, would talk to the ex.

Fight to keep them was poor choice of words on my part. If I was the dumper and I wanted the person back, I would send a long letter getting all my thoughts out or call them up on the phone to discuss it. This fellow sends me a short email and he has motive/game. Hope that sheds some light a little bit:)

Yeah I understand you. My ex after the break up, never believed anything I said. She had the complete wrong perception of me I don't know where she was getting it from. I'm not the sort to be with someone or want to be with someone just for the sake of it. And the fact that I wanted to work things out she should have known but she thought it was all just a ploy to get her back.

I'm saying this because sometimes that's why space is needed. Cause some people when they break up with someone they just cataloging them as "the ex" and give them the same treatment as all other exes and forget about the individual personality and the real reason behind why they may have behaved in a certain way before the break up. In time they realise but it's too late for then

February 18, 2013

Self pity is horrendous. My Mom taught me to have one day, just one, to have the pity party and then after that get on with life. I also enjoy my own company-I think I was born that way, LOL. Being by myself was never an issue; I have alot of interests and such. It was adjusting after having been treated the way I was treated and then finally learning to accept that he has psycological issues. I had spoken to a few of his ex's and a few contacted me when word got around that I was seeing him. Some friends even warned me--I didn't listen at first. But then it started to show on his part. What a terrible time it was. In this case, responding to him....no good could come of it.

Healing is important and cannot be rushed, but.......feeling sorry for oneself and believing theres' no one for you is a bunch of baloney. It will happen when you least expect it. For now enjoy getting to know YOU again. I adopted a dog, for instance. Walking through a very cool dog park nearby is stress releasing and I have found that though we rescue the animal, the animal in turn, rescues us. If you can't adopt, there are so many things you can do do 'detox', if you will. Exercise is key. Nature walks, volunteering. If it's in the budget, do something cool to your place to change things up. Fresh start is a good thing.

As for Tara's advice, she opened my eyes. I was clouded and emotional. I was confused and neeeded to run my situation by people who weren't brain-fogged as I was. Her advice and encouragement made sense. You will follow your heart and gut no matter who you ask for advice. Tara told me what I already knew in my heart of hearts. There were a few others on here who totally got me as well and then it all started to click. She steered me in the right direction and I was able to slowly pick myself and dust myself off and keep walking.

OMG,BandB .....i hope you don't think my comment was aimed at you,it definitely wasn't. You absolutely dont strike me as the self-pitying type.

Great idea about adopting a dog btw:)

February 19, 2013

OMG,BandB .....i hope you don't think my comment was aimed at you,it definitely wasn't. You absolutely dont strike me as the self-pitying type.

Great idea about adopting a dog btw:)

I was agreeing with you:)

February 19, 2013

I am not talking about my ex either. That is bust beyond repair now but I wonder if I had tried to work at it when it went wrong instead of listening to the NC mantra for the 6 weeks when I left her alone we may not have made it work. NC just gave her an excuse to follow onto the next guy. I strongly believe this. So for me NC is very risky.

NC is the least risky path of all.

February 19, 2013

Zammo you seem like you have some deep seeded issues that you need to work thru. Better to leave LS because it obviously isn't helping you and go to therapy..my opinion.

February 19, 2013

Due to the substantial cleanup in aisle 5, that aisle is closed for now.

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