Another email

[BewitchedandBothered]

Just wanted to let you know that the dumper oftentimes does contact the dumpee again. Not sure what the reasoning is. After a couple years of not talking (it ended badly; he was verbally abusive and played a ton of mind games), he emailed me in August, 2012; it was a casual hello, wishing me well. I responded, it was terse and polite and that was that. 3 days ago, he emails again, this time he says "I just wanted to send you a greeting and wish you and your family a wonderful 2013:)"

 

I am shaking my head. No, I will not respond; it is pointless. He is one messed up dude and I dodged a bullet. I don't understand why he bothers sending these emails; he is narcissistic, abusive, a total clusterf*ck. A Jeckyll and Hyde. To those who wonder 'will they ever contact me again', the answer is a big, resounding YES.....but, it may not happen until you are completely over that person. Seems to be the nature of the game, lOL!!!!!

 

I believe the term is called 'breadcrumbs'; perhaps he's still 'searching for something better'---while he is with someone and putting out the feelers. Who knows. Would love some feedback on this. Shaking my head; it's been almost 3 years, actually. He keeps turning up like a bad penny.

[Darren Steez]

Girlfriend treated me like dirt for most of our relationship, after we broke up, she texted after a year, it was under the guise of "friendliness" asking me how I've been, what's new in my life, you know being nice..my reply was short and curt which must have been a surprise to her from the doormat she once knew, but that man was dead!

 

Well her response quickly shed any doubt she had changed or was writing to find out about my well being but that was cool because she was just doing her. That is whom she is, they think they can still game play and f*ck with you, but unless you're an idiot their BS has irrevocably changed you and made you anti-BS

 

There's no one to stroke their egos so they reach out. Simple

[TaraMaiden]

Just wanted to let you know that the narcissistic, abusive, total clusterf*ck Jeckyll and Hyde keeps turning up like a bad penny.

 

Fixed that for ya....

 

 

Hya BandB, nice to see you again!

 

Don't you think your hair is curled enough by now - ?!?

[BewitchedandBothered]

Girlfriend treated me like dirt for most of our relationship, after we broke up, she texted after a year, it was under the guise of "friendliness" asking me how I've been, what's new in my life, you know being nice..my reply was short and curt which must have been a surprise to her from the doormat she once knew, but that man was dead!

 

Well her response quickly shed any doubt she had changed or was writing to find out about my well being but that was cool because she was just doing her. That is whom she is, they think they can still game play and f*ck with you, but unless you're an idiot their BS has irrevocably changed you and made you anti-BS

 

There's no one to stroke their egos so they reach out. Simple

GREAT point, Darren, and very true:)

[BewitchedandBothered]

Fixed that for ya....

 

 

Hya BandB, nice to see you again!

 

Don't you think your hair is curled enough by now - ?!?

 

Tara!!!!!! Nope, I will always need these rollers to keep my hair in check!!!! That and some Dippity Doo gel;) Had to share my story to give people some hope and let them know that, the dumper contacting you is no big deal, but it's the healing part that is. When the breakup happened, as much as I loathed him, yes, I would have wanted that email; I wanted to have a shred of him caring. He clearly didn't care--just about himself. When I see there is an email from him, I get a chill and negative vibes.

 

So glad you're still on here, Tara; I have lurked a few times and didn't see you very much. Your posts and sound advice got me through one of the roughest patches I will never know and I will always be grateful.

[TaraMaiden]

No;

be in no doubt, YOU got yourself through this.

I and loads of others merely provided a support framework for you to lean on when you got a bit weary.... but you did the hard work.

I see it's paid off!!

 

It's part of the cure to wish to be cured.

 

Sadly, an awful lot of people find it hard to get a grip on that.....

 

But you, you little beeeuty, you did just that!!

[Zammo25]

No;

be in no doubt, YOU got yourself through this.

I and loads of others merely provided a support framework for you to lean on when you got a bit weary.... but you did the hard work.

I see it's paid off!!

 

It's part of the cure to wish to be cured.

 

Sadly, an awful lot of people find it hard to get a grip on that.....

 

But you, you little beeeuty, you did just that!!

 

Another relationship over. Another reason to celebrate. Another notch on this stick. How many have you overseen now it must be close to a thousand. Let's all have a party !

[TaraMaiden]

Well thank you Zammo, I appreciate it!

[Zammo25]

Well thank you Zammo, I appreciate it!

 

I just don't get the glee at every single broken relationships. It is like you would be very unhappy if anyone actually resolved thier issues and made things work. NO CONTACT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[TaraMaiden]

My 'glee'....?

I have no glee over broken relationships. My 'glee' is reserved for those who survive the heartbreak, and rise from the ashes a better, wiser, happier and more complete, whole person.

 

You have me all wrong, Zammo...

But sadly, that doesn't surprise me.

you went on a real downer-bender for a while.

 

Where, during all the time I communicated with you through your heartbreak, did I ever insinuate I was happy you had broken up, exactly?

 

In fact, show me anywhere, where I express 'glee' at people breaking up and experiencing heartache, sadness and distress.

 

Thanks....

[Zammo25]

My 'glee'....?

I have no glee over broken relationships. My 'glee' is reserved for those who survive the heartbreak, and rise from the ashes a better, wiser, happier and more complete, whole person.

 

You have me all wrong, Zammo...

But sadly, that doesn't surprise me.

you went on a real downer-bender for a while.

 

Where, during all the time I communicated with you through your heartbreak, did I ever insinuate I was happy you had broken up, exactly?

 

In fact, show me anywhere, where I express 'glee' at people breaking up and experiencing heartache, sadness and distress.

 

Thanks....

 

I am not sure. From what I have seen you ALWAYS think it is over. I wonder how many relationships that could have been restored but with your black and white no contact mantra you spout out every single time without exception they turn to dust. It is almost as if you thrive on people's broken realtionships. Like an oxygene.

[TaraMaiden]

Read the threads.

 

Many times, people choose to ignore the true value and worth of No Contact, go against all advice (and others stress No Contact too, it's not just me.... be fair!) and try to establish and/or maintain contact with their exes.

 

They then repeatedly (far too often for anyone's liking) return and admit that 'everyone was right and they were wrong'.

 

You only have to read the NC thread itself, to see for yourself that this is the case.

 

No Contact is a precision tool.

It's a tool to work with to enable you ('you' generic, not 'you' specific) to heal and repair your broken heart.

It has absolutely nothing to do with the ex-.

it's not their business any longer, what you choose to do with your life to make things better for yourself. In NC, the Ex doesn't - and shouldn't - figure.

it's not about them - it's about you.

 

But too many people mistakenly believe NC is something in which the ex- should be actively involved....

And they make NC an instrument for attempting reconciliation.

 

And it doesn't work.

Why?

Because it's not meant to.

[Zammo25]

Read the threads.

 

Many times, people choose to ignore the true value and worth of No Contact, go against all advice (and others stress No Contact too, it's not just me.... be fair!) and try to establish and/or maintain contact with their exes.

 

They then repeatedly (far too often for anyone's liking) return and admit that 'everyone was right and they were wrong'.

 

You only have to read the NC thread itself, to see for yourself that this is the case.

 

No Contact is a precision tool.

It's a tool to work with to enable you ('you' generic, not 'you' specific) to heal and repair your broken heart.

It has absolutely nothing to do with the ex-.

it's not their business any longer, what you choose to do with your life to make things better for yourself. In NC, the Ex doesn't - and shouldn't - figure.

it's not about them - it's about you.

 

But too many people mistakenly believe NC is something in which the ex- should be actively involved....

And they make NC an instrument for attempting reconciliation.

 

And it doesn't work.

Why?

Because it's not meant to.

 

Has it ever occured to you NC may not be the right thing. I mean ever ? Or is any minor disagreement NC automatically. Don't work at things, don't try and resolve things but them cut of your life at all costs ?

[Zammo25]

You opinion is not the only opinion believe it or not. Many people disagree with your NC at all costs mantra. E notalone for example many people have resolved issues with their ex by NOT following NC.

[Zammo25]

I am not talking about my ex either. That is bust beyond repair now but I wonder if I had tried to work at it when it went wrong instead of listening to the NC mantra for the 6 weeks when I left her alone we may not have made it work. NC just gave her an excuse to follow onto the next guy. I strongly believe this. So for me NC is very risky.

[TaraMaiden]

Some have, most haven't.

The majority fail.

 

And I never stated, nor supposed that my opinion is the only one.

But a large majority of people advocate NC, so why you specifically target me, and feel I'm entirely and single-handedly responsible for promoting NC is beyond me....

 

I am not talking about my ex either. That is bust beyond repair now but I wonder if I had tried to work at it when it went wrong instead of listening to the NC mantra for the 6 weeks when I left her alone we may not have made it work. NC just gave her an excuse to follow onto the next guy. I strongly believe this. So for me NC is very risky.

 

So why didn't you follow your gut instinct and ignore all the NC merchants? And there were many recommending it, weren't there?

 

Do you feel her attitude would have tolerated it, been open to it, or welcomed the opportunity?

If you felt that way, why didn't you follow your own counsel?

[Zammo25]

Some have, most haven't.

The majority fail.

 

And I never stated, nor supposed that my opinion is the only one.

But a large majority of people advocate NC, so why you specifically target me, and feel I'm entirely and single-handedly responsible for promoting NC is beyond me....

 

 

 

So why didn't you follow your gut instinct and ignore all the NC merchants? And there were many recommending it, weren't there?

 

Do you feel her attitude would have tolerated it, been open to it, or welcomed the opportunity?

If you felt that way, why didn't you follow your own counsel?

 

Because I took advice on here including you who told me to go NC. Something I deeply regret but cannot change now. I certainly would not do the same again as it just helped to destroy the relationship beyond repair.

[TaraMaiden]

Don't blame others for the decisions you take.

 

We all gave advice, counsel and opinion based on long experience - much of it personal.

But we just provided the map.

You were steering your own boat.

 

 

There was nothing concrete or physical standing in your way.

All you had were a whole heap of written posts, we couldn't have locked you in even if we'd wanted to.

 

Adding to which, many others chose to go against all advice, and contacted their exes anyway.

 

 

I think out of the hundreds that did, maybe 3, at the outside, had any real fortune out of that.

 

Do you not take any notice of all these threads?

Have you actually read the NC thread all the way through?

[TaraMaiden]

And let me just add here:

 

You have over 50 threads to your name.

I have posted in just three of them.

 

Three.

Out of 52.

 

With a total of, I believe, 26 posts.

 

In the principal thread I contributed in, you even went so far as to apologise to me and to Spaniard for the argumentative and negative attitude you had against us...

 

So why you feel it is a valid factor, too keep berating me for simply giving you what I felt - and what you agreed at the time - was good advice, I cannot understand.

 

Get things into perspective. The other majority of the threads you posted, I never even went near.

Yet those threads are similarly filled with posts from others, recommending you adhere to No Contact.

 

Why pick on me?

 

Why single me out for your vitriol, when in fact, I am merely a voice among many - and in the minority, at that?

[TaraMaiden]

How does this comment....

 

Because I took advice on here including you who told me to go NC. Something I deeply regret but cannot change now. I certainly would not do the same again as it just helped to destroy the relationship beyond repair.

 

bear up against this one....?

 

The fact is for her us splitting up barely registered a 1 out of 100 on the give a tossometer. She was the dumper. This is the case.

 

If she couldn't give a toss, how much would she have valued your efforts at reconciliation?

Wasn't the relationship already 'destroyed beyond repair' if she couldn't give a toss?

 

Oh Zammo, Zammo... I'd love to meet and discuss this over a pint with you..... (I'd have a JD and coke..... but not a pint!!)

[na49]

NC is for moving on. If you didn't want to move on, you shouldn't have went NC. You should have worked on fixing your broken relationship. I don't know how that's anyone here's fault.

[TaraMaiden]

Thank YOU!!!

[na49]

I would be lying if I said I don't wonder what would happen if I didn't go NC with my ex. It just didn't seem like a winnable situation for me. I wanted her back. She just wanted me around as a friend. She wanted me to talk to when she wasn't getting attention from her "boyfriend". I can't handle hearing about the cute things she's doing for him, and that's what I was hearing.

 

I like to believe if she wanted to give us another try, she would let me know. She hasn't said anything relating to giving our relationship another try, so I assume that means she doesn't want me back.

 

...right?

[TaraMaiden]

That is the sad fact, yeah.....

 

Breaking No Contact is fine - providing there is positive purpose...

If the ex contacts the dumpee, and says,

 

"Look, I think I really screwed up. I never realised how much I missed you until I let you go.

This is awful, and it's all my fault.

I would desperately love a chance to prove to you that not only do I sincerely want you back, but I would be willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you, and prove that I'm sincere. No messing.

I'll do counselling, therapy and walk over burning coals if necessary.

What would it take for you to forgive me, so that I can try again?"

 

Or words to that effect.

 

If anyone gets those, hell, yeah!! Go for it!!

 

Sadly, I've yet to come across anyone who has actually heard a sentiment in that vein, from their ex.

 

There was this one guy, Puzzled1 (he's featured in the NC Guide thread) who actually did hear something to that effect from his ex - and guess what? he met up with her and then....

 

Yup.

You guessed it.

She hit him for six all over again.

 

[Debbie2508]

Crikey Zammo,you seem to be blaming Tara for everything that's happened to you. Her advice, is just that.....ADVICE, just like that from everyone else here. And great advice too!I, like you, wasn't convinced about NC, but the few times I've weakened and sent a text or email have set me back days, if not weeks.If they want you back, they'll find a way!

Edited February 16, 2013 by Debbie2508