Did I do the right thing?

[What to do now]

Thanks in advance if you read this thing;it's very long but I just needed to vent.

 

So this guy and I have been dating for over a year. Now it’s what I like to call casual monogamy. At first we were justfriends then we started to date casually. We hung out once a week, went out,hooked up. He always didn’t feelcomfortable with hooking up with a friend. He wanted to either just be friendsor be exclusive. But at the time, I wasn’t ready for a relationship (I had justcome out of a bad, almost 8 year relationship) and he wasn’t really readyeither but I didn’t want to just be friends so we stopped talking for a coupleweeks. Somehow we ended up talking again (we are in the same master’s programat school and are in the same field of work). Afterwards, we started to reallydate, without the label. We didn’t hook up anymore but we really got to knoweach other. When we first got back together, we hung out a few times a week.After a month, we were hanging out 5-7 days a week. On some weekends, we wouldhang out as soon as we got off work on Friday (around 4pm), and hang out until Sunday night.We love hanging out with each other. We talk on the phone every day when we getoff work. We talk about our day and figure out what we are doing that day, and makeplans to hang out. After a couple months after getting back together, I met hisfamily. He’s very close with his family and he introduced me. I’ve cooked forhis family and we’ve done movie nights. I see his family once or twice a week.I’ve also met a bunch of his co-workers; I’ve met most of his friends. I’mactually good friends with one of his friends now. I go to his nephew’sbirthday party; he comes to my friend’s events and plays golf with some of myguy friends. He has met my family and has come to my parent’s house. My momloves him and thinks we will be perfect for each other. He had clothes and hisitems at my house. I have some at his house. Our lives have become sointertwined. His birthday was a month ago and he had a family dinner with hisparents, brother, sister, and nephew. He asked me to come. Iwent and had a great time. At this time, we still weren’t committed. We had avacation planned for April with him and his friends. We do everything like acouple except for sex and the label. He calls me his very best friend. A week ago, I realized, I need the label or acommitment. I can’t imagine what it would be like if he started dating anyoneelse. So I told that to him. He said that he doesn’t think he wants to date me.He says that he likes me and can’t imagine life without me; that his life wouldbe so hard without me, but he feels like we wouldn’t work out. He thinks that Ideserve someone better; a guy that’s more right for me; a guy who makes plansand follows through (he’s not a very good planner and I am). He says I have somuch to offer but he doesn’t have much to offer me. Also in his mind, he thinksa relationship will be perfect. He thinks that he’ll just instantly know thathe’s going to marry a girl and that feeling will last forever and he won’t datea girl he doesn’t feel that with. He also feels like when he’s in arelationship and in love with someone, he won’t look at other girls and findthem attractive. He’s had 3 long term relationships and he cheated on all threeof them once that “feeling” went away and in his mind, it wasn’t going to workanymore- he says he’s grow up since them (his last girlfriend was 6 years ago)and feels like he could cheat on another girl friend;he's learned from his mistakes. He says he’s sosorry and is devastated and doesn’t know exactly the reason why it wouldn’twork. I told him I can’t even be friends with him because it’ll be too hard forme. We’ll be friends until one of us finds another bf/ or g/f? He says hewouldn’t be able to hang out with me and a b/f and I wouldn’t be able to hangout with him and a g/f. But eventually it’ll happen (me finding someone else)if he won’t commit to me. So if we kept hanging out it's just temporary so what's the point? A couple days after I broke up with him, he sent methis long text saying how he missed me and how sad he is and how he’s beencrying. I texted him back asking to meet up with me to talk so I can say somethings that I didn’t get to say. So we met up and we talked for 4 hours. He saidthat he missed me a lot and he thought about calling or texting me for thecouple days we didn’t talk but he chickened out. I told him he needs to lovehimself before he loves another and I felt like he has issues he needs to workon. I told him I felt like the reason he’s not with me is not because of me,but because he has issues with himself. He said that might be true. He said heknows we would work out to a certain point and we would be happy but he doesn’tknow about marriage. I told him of course we don’t know about marriage, wewould need to exclusively date first. He went back to, I’ll know instantly, ourrelationship isn’t perfect, and he’s still attracted to other girls. He alsokept saying that’s he’s not right for me and that he thinks I deserve someonebetter. The conversation wasn’t going anywhere and I wasn’t hearing what I wantedto hear (a commitment) and we had to work the next day so he left. He startedto cry when he was leaving and told me that he’s so sorry and he wishes thingswere different. He took his stuff from my house and left. It’s been about a dayand it’s killing me. I miss him a lot. I haven’t called him and won’t call him butit’s really hard. I usually call him or he calls me (depending on who’s gettingoff earlier that day) and we usually lie around and watch movies on a Fridaynight but we aren’t doing that. I’m sad. I wonder what he’s doing. I’ll stillhave to see him once a week because we still have class together. I keepwondering did I make the right choice? Should I have helped him on his journeyto find happiness? Would he have eventually realized I’m right for him and dateme exclusively once he found happiness and self esteem? I just want to be withhim and I miss him a lot. Tomorrow, we were supposed to watch his nephew on Saturdayand Sunday while his sister and parents are out of town. I’ll miss that. I justwant to know if I’ve made the right choice. I keep hoping he’ll realize howmuch he misses me and wants to be with me. But does that ever happen except for in movies?

[lovelifexx]

You made the right choice. He has issues and doesn't seem to be ready for a relationship. It has nothing to do with you. And you can't "convince" someone to be with you. Maybe some day, he may want to be with you when he has grown and is ready, but it sounds like he is far from that. But you will have moved on (hopefully). Sorry, you are going through this. xx

[What to do now]

Thanks. This is what I thought too which is why I have to have NC. It's just hard. It'll get better.