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his ex-wife has been #1 problem in our marriage


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Posted

My husband and I have been married 5 years. We dated 2 years before that. In general we get along well and enjoy many activities together. But there have been two things that have marred our relationship, two things that always come up. I will only deal with one in this one thread; otherwise, this will be too long:

 

My husband's ex-wife began wreaking havoc in our lives just one month after our wedding, when it hit her that he had moved on. She was in constant and regular contact with us demanding attention, creating crises, and when she didn't get what she wanted, she used his adolescent children as weapons, convincing them to cut off contact. That hurt him very deeply and he became very depressed. It honestly felt like a (psychological) hostage situation. She -- the terrorist -- would call as if to negotiate (the message was: put me first and you get to talk to the hostages).

 

We went through months of counseling and eventually a brief separation to deal with the day-in and day-out stress she put on our marriage via her phone calls, e-mails and texts. We finally put up strong boundaries and kicked her out of our lives. Ironically, that was when the kids began talking to us again.

 

We had a few agreements to keep our marriage safe from the destructive force that is his ex-wife: One would be to not accept any e-mails from her (to block her); the other was to not accept any phone calls from her unless it was an emergency .

 

My husband has not honored this agreement. I found 2 e-mails (I'm assuming there were others that were deleted) from her, messages he purposely hid from me. One of them included several pictures of her. This is her m.o. and always has been. She has wanted to prove her "power" to or over me and continue to be a presence in our lives. I believe her message was, "See? You can't control me," and to anger me.

 

He also accidentally revealed that he had taken a phone call from her a while back, a call in which she had the NERVE to complain about me. Wouldn't a normal husband hang up? Wouldn't a normal husband not tolerate this? Instead, he listened to her.

 

A few secret e-mails and a phone call might not seem like a big deal. But this is in direct opposition to what WE jointly decided to do to save and keep safe OUR marriage. It was very simple: To create peace in our marriage, X Y and Z needs to be done and honored. X Y and Z aren't that fricking complicated. That he has been unable and/or unwilling to do them tells me he doesn't take the marriage seriously.

 

We have been through hell and back in just 5 years because of this woman. Opening any door to her now (the children are adults) is like opening the door to someone who has broken in your house and beaten you to a pulp. Why would you let them in again?

 

Am I being unreasonable? I'm sick of this. And I do not trust my husband any longer. I am seriously considering throwing in the towel.

Posted

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. He should not have lied and hidden the emails - he is in the wrong there.

 

But I don't agree with your initial agreement. She is the mother of their children, and will always be in his life. He needs to have a friendly relationship with her. He needs to be able to discuss the kids or anything that affects the kids.

 

He also has a responsibility to create boundaries. He shouldn't discuss your relationship with her at all. He should refuse to listen to any criticisms about you.

 

It is possible the ex-wife went a little crazy after their divorce and after you got married. It's possible she is capable of NOT being crazy. I don't know. But your husband does. So I would keep talking to him about it.

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Posted
Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. He should not have lied and hidden the emails - he is in the wrong there.

 

But I don't agree with your initial agreement. She is the mother of their children, and will always be in his life. He needs to have a friendly relationship with her. He needs to be able to discuss the kids or anything that affects the kids.

 

Ultimately, yes, parents should be in communication about their children. The problem was she was not doing this when they were in communication. She would call him to talk about herself, or she would create fake crises with the children. All the while, she was hiding very important information about the children, not allowing his input, not sharing school pictures or info about obtaining school pictures (thing like that). He was out in the cold, anyway. Our marriage counselor was the one who suggested the initial agreement since any communciation with her at that point was very negative disruptive.

 

He also has a responsibility to create boundaries. He shouldn't discuss your relationship with her at all. He should refuse to listen to any criticisms about you.

 

It is possible the ex-wife went a little crazy after their divorce and after you got married. It's possible she is capable of NOT being crazy. I don't know. But your husband does. So I would keep talking to him about it.

 

Thank you.

Posted

I can't think of a single reason she should be emailing pictures of herself to your husband. This alone is a real peak into the kind of person you have been dealing with.

Sure an ex wife with kids is always in your life, Via the kids. But the kids are grown so ...unless its about tuition or weddings , no conversation...especially isnce they are not amicable to begin with.

 

I see your point...her motivation has nothing to do with the kids. It is only to create a threat to your marriage. And it sounds like you and your husband acknowledged and came up with a plan to deal with it.

 

His going behind your back, accepting pictures and calls from her without telling you is not a good idea. I'm sure there were good reason he didn't WANT to tell you, but he should have.

 

If he feels that ceasing all contact with her would still affect the children, then contact can continue but it should be ALL directed at a joint email account you both have access to.

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Posted

Divorce rates are even higher for second marriages than for first marriages. Cut the guy some slack. He left the withch for an obvious reason. She is just trying to get under your skin, and it's working. Stop caring about her - that is what is affecting your marriage. Give the poor guy a break. Guys are easily manipulated by women like her. Then he ends up in the dog house without his bone - and all he was trying to do was make peace. Stop caring about HER, he is your husband now (she's just envious), CARE ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND, not her.

Posted

i`m glad the `children` are adults

 

least there is 1 part of being an adult in this thread!!

 

i dont see why you are asking what you are?!!

His ex wife is only being a problem because you allow it too,,, or in this case your dont

you had counselling because of his ex,? Am i reading this right

 

aM

Posted
Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. He should not have lied and hidden the emails - he is in the wrong there.

 

But I don't agree with your initial agreement. She is the mother of their children, and will always be in his life. He needs to have a friendly relationship with her. He needs to be able to discuss the kids or anything that affects the kids.

 

He also has a responsibility to create boundaries. He shouldn't discuss your relationship with her at all. He should refuse to listen to any criticisms about you.

 

It is possible the ex-wife went a little crazy after their divorce and after you got married. It's possible she is capable of NOT being crazy. I don't know. But your husband does. So I would keep talking to him about it.

 

no thats wrong!!

#

yeah so she is the mother of his children.

that gifes her an excuse to say and do whatever she pleases in the fathers relationship???

 

So EVERYTHING is on HIM to set the boundaries???

being the man?

 

caught between a rock and a hard place?

 

aM:mad:

Posted
Divorce rates are even higher for second marriages than for first marriages. Cut the guy some slack. He left the withch for an obvious reason. She is just trying to get under your skin, and it's working. Stop caring about her - that is what is affecting your marriage. Give the poor guy a break. Guys are easily manipulated by women like her. Then he ends up in the dog house without his bone - and all he was trying to do was make peace. Stop caring about HER, he is your husband now (she's just envious), CARE ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND, not her.

 

i`m just going to shut up cos i`ll just know it`ll end up in another `infraction`

 

yas, your wrong

 

aM

Posted

IMO this issue that you are having is really not that major in the grand scheme. EXW is just that EX you have been with the man for well over 5yrs nad he still comes home to your house not hers. Look they have kids together which is a life binding event even if they got the D. But he is in love with you now, today this very moment. He didn't tell you because he didn't want to piss you off, which as he can see now was a dumb idea. Why not craft a reply email with both of your input of course and attach a picture of you guy's together. In the message tell her that you really appreciate the PICs that she sent, and tell her that you wanted her to have one of you guy's to put by her bedside. You could also add the web addresses for Match, eHarmony etc... in the email :) just saying!!! Then look in the mirror and slap yourself for letting someone like her and her BS effect what you two got going on in your house. So folks you just have to face down or the drama will never end.

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Posted

Since your husband apparently doesn't wish to proactively adhere to your agreement, perhaps revisiting that specific issue in counseling would be worthwhile.

 

But there have been two things that have marred our relationship, two things that always come up.

 

What's the other thing? I ask because you've been to counseling and been separated, all within five years of getting married. A counselor considers the totality, as singular issues can be and often are interwoven.

 

IMO, if you and he can face this as a team, and feel in accord, you can move past this. If not, perhaps throwing in the towel, as you suggested in your OP, would be a healthy choice. Good luck.

Posted

Another way to handle this would be the way my husband handled my ex-husband still being part of the picture since he was part of my social circle (no kids though). Instead of getting jealous and upset and also because he put his full trust into me, he befriended him. The two developed mutual respect with very little drama.

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Posted
Another way to handle this would be the way my husband handled my ex-husband still being part of the picture since he was part of my social circle (no kids though). Instead of getting jealous and upset and also because he put his full trust into me, he befriended him. The two developed mutual respect with very little drama.

 

 

This i dont believe for 1 second

 

This will NEVER happen

 

aM

Posted
This i dont believe for 1 second

 

This will NEVER happen

 

aM

Don't judge my husband by your abilities.
  • Like 1
Posted

I still remember after my ex and I separated and she would call. The sound of her voice would always send me into one of of those "ah sh*t, what does she want now" moments. You always knew she was up to something. Thankfully for me we did not have children, so when the divorce was final, I never had to hear that voice again. It is still a nightmare I have from time to time....lol.

 

Unfortunately, your husband will continue to have contact with this woman from time to time. You need to be secure in your relationship, so he needs to limit conversations to the children. He does not have to be her friend, but he has to be amicable. Hopefully she will move on with the next man in her life and will be less concerned about yours.

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