joe white Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 (edited) This is my first post here, but I've lurked from time to time. I hope this isn't too long but if it is please bear with me. Brief backstory: I've been dating this girl (I'll call her Kate) for about three months and we started having sex about two months ago. I'm a recent college graduate and she is still in school. As time went on, things progressed (seeing each other 2-3 times a week). There are a lot of things about her that I really, really like. And until this past week, there was nothing about her that I didn't like. Last Sunday we talked about the state of our relationship. I told her that I was serious about it and I would like to see her more often, talk to her more on the phone, etc... basically just become more serious about "us." She agreed and said she wanted the same thing. We made plans to spend the night together on Tuesday. Needless to say, I was feeling very good about things at this point. Now on to my problem... On Tuesday morning (remember, we're supposed to hang out Tuesday night), she sent me a text and told me she had decided to drive a few hours away to visit a friend who was in the area for a few days. This was one of Kate's better friends growing up and she hadn't seen her in a while. In the text, Kate said that she just needed to get out of town for a day because she was stressed over school, work, and a fight she got into with her mom. We exchanged a few texts after that, but not many because I was pretty disappointed in her decision. I understand that she felt overwhelmed by things, but I wish she would have called me before she left town. I want to be there for her when she needs me. I don't want her to feel like she has to "run away" to "feel sane" (those are her words). I was also feeling a little disrespected and unimportant (especially after our conversation on Sunday). I didn't say anything to her that night or Wednesday, partly because I was disappointed with her and partly because I didn't want to say something I'd regret. Yesterday morning (two days after she blew me off), I sent her a text asking when she would be back in town so we could talk. After about 8 hours with no response from her, I sent another text. A few hours later (still no response) I called her and she didn't answer. This morning I sent another text asking why she wasn't responding to me and if she was okay. She hasn't replied yet. How should I interpret this and what should I do? I feel like this came out of nowhere. Things were better than ever on Sunday. Then on Tuesday, it seems like things went off a cliff with really no explanation. At first I thought this was just a bump in the road but now I'm worrying that it might be more serious. I would normally move on if a girl did this, but since we've been dating for three months, had a great talk on Sunday, and I think so highly of her, I feel like moving on so fast could be a mistake. I really like Kate and I don't want to give up on her, but at the same time I won't let her treat me like this. Cliff notes for my novel of a post: Kate and I are dating I really like Kate We agree to become more serious She blows off our next date She doesn't respond to my texts I'm completely lost and have no idea what to do Edited February 15, 2013 by joe white
pteromom Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I understand that she felt overwhelmed by things, but I wish she would have called me before she left town. I want to be there for her when she needs me. I don't want her to feel like she has to "run away" to "feel sane" (those are her words). OK, you don't "want" her to feel that way, but she does. You "wish" she would have called you, but she didn't. You have to drop your expectations of what you want her to be and do. In this situation, I would have been perfectly fine with her going to see her friend. I may have been disappointed that our date was canceled, but I would have been understanding and supportive and rescheduled for another day. You need to decide what you really want out of a relationship and whether she is capable of giving it to you WITHOUT trying to change her into someone else. She may be nice and sweet, but that doesn't mean she is right for you. 1
Author joe white Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 OK, you don't "want" her to feel that way, but she does. You "wish" she would have called you, but she didn't. You have to drop your expectations of what you want her to be and do. In this situation, I would have been perfectly fine with her going to see her friend. I may have been disappointed that our date was canceled, but I would have been understanding and supportive and rescheduled for another day. You need to decide what you really want out of a relationship and whether she is capable of giving it to you WITHOUT trying to change her into someone else. She may be nice and sweet, but that doesn't mean she is right for you.Thank you for your input. My expectations of her are based off how she's acted in the past. I don't feel like I'm trying to change her. One of the reasons this has thrown me off so much is because it's completely out of character for her (but then again, we've only been dating for three months). If I didn't think she was capable of giving me what I'm looking for I wouldn't be worrying about this so much. The only thing I wish I would have done differently would have been setting a time to meet her when she got back into town. And for what it's worth, I still have no idea if she's back home.
pteromom Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Thank you for your input. My expectations of her are based off how she's acted in the past. I don't feel like I'm trying to change her. One of the reasons this has thrown me off so much is because it's completely out of character for her (but then again, we've only been dating for three months). If I didn't think she was capable of giving me what I'm looking for I wouldn't be worrying about this so much. The only thing I wish I would have done differently would have been setting a time to meet her when she got back into town. And for what it's worth, I still have no idea if she's back home. Yeah - the not responding to texts thing could mean anything. She may be freaking out more than you realize and may be working through stuff - especially since she's acting out of character. She may be annoyed at all the texts and think you are trying to control her. She may be cheating, and her "female friend" was really a date. I don't know. The only way you'll find out is if she contacts you and talks to you about it. 1
Author joe white Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Yeah - the not responding to texts thing could mean anything. She may be freaking out more than you realize and may be working through stuff - especially since she's acting out of character. She may be annoyed at all the texts and think you are trying to control her. She may be cheating, and her "female friend" was really a date. I don't know. The only way you'll find out is if she contacts you and talks to you about it. So you mean staking out her place of employment to catch her as she's walking to her car isn't a good idea ? I may or may not have considered doing this for a for a few seconds.
pteromom Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 So you mean staking out her place of employment to catch her as she's walking to her car isn't a good idea ? I may or may not have considered doing this for a for a few seconds. LOL!!!! No. Not a good idea. Understandable, because stuff is going on out of your control that you don't like. But no, not a good idea if you want to continue the relationship.
MidwestUSA Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 (edited) So you mean staking out her place of employment to catch her as she's walking to her car isn't a good idea ? I may or may not have considered doing this for a for a few seconds. Stop even considering it! The best you can do now is text (preferably call, but I'm starting to understand this is not done much anymore) and let her know you will be there for her if she needs to talk. It could be that your Sunday conversation sunk in, and she needs time to process it. Not saying she is a commitment phobe, but that her need for "space" is real and not a blowoff. And I do think you got too worked up over her changing your plans. She let you know, didn't she? She didn't just disappear. You stated that you had planned to "hang out". It's not like you had tickets to a Led Zepplin reunion or something. Edited February 15, 2013 by MidwestUSA
Author joe white Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Stop even considering it! The best you can do now is text (preferably call, but I'm starting to understand this is not done much anymore) and let her know you will be there for her if she needs to talk. It could be that your Sunday conversation sunk in, and she needs time to process it. Not saying she is a commitment phobe, but that her need for "space" is real and not a blowoff. And I do think you got too worked up over her changing your plans. She let you know, didn't she? She didn't just disappear. I was joking about staking out her car. If I was going to do that I'd need a boombox to hold over my head, and my boombox is currently broken . I guess I could call her (and then send her a text after she doesn't answer) later tonight if she still hasn't responded. It couldn't hurt, right?
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