d0620 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 (edited) I have been in a uncommited relationship with a man for 7 months. He said he didn't want a commitment and I stayed believing he would change his mind. During the course of the 7 months we operated very much like boyfriend and girlfriend, we attended events together, hung out with our family (his and mine) etc. I had no reason to believe that we were not on our way there including him saying he is considering it. The day before Valentines Day he took me to dinner. On Valentines Day, I sent him flowers. He called to tell me thank you and reiterates how I am always thoughtful and how well I treat him. Later, I asked what he was doing for Valentines Day and he said he is taking his daughter out for dinner. I didn't believe it so I drove past his house and found another womens car there. I text him and told him how angry I was and not to call me again etc etc. He simply replies "Let's just move on" and said he has nothing to say. After 7 months of spending time together "he had nothing to say"? I guess his rationale was I told you I didn't want a commitment and you shouldn't have been driving past my house. My rationale is he didn't want a commitment but it didn't stop us from havin sex with each other 3-4 times a week, going out to dinner, shows, work events and introducing families, etc for 7 months. We were dating. He knows me very well and I can't believe he would be so heartless especially because he knows how much I love him. It makes my stomach hurt just to type this. Edited February 15, 2013 by d0620
H3Drvr Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 As much as I want to say he was wrong...he really isn't. It sounds like he made his intentions clear in the beginning. And unfortunately, you chose to gamble that he may come around...but he didn't. Probably not what you want to hear... And yes, I've been in that situation before where I thought she'd come around. Unfortunately, she was probably screwing everything in sight. I chalked it up to lesson learned. 1
KatZee Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 He said he didn't want a commitment and I stayed believing he would change his mind. I really can't sympathize with you. From day 1 he told you what the deal was. You chose to ignore what he said, and chose to waste your time hoping he'd change. He's not the one at fault at all. You are. For compromising what you expect from romantic partners. You don't get into a relationship with anyone who says they don't want commitment and you most certainly don't stay hoping that they'll change their mind. They won't. Case in point. It's been 7 months, at least it wasn't 7 years. Lesson learned.
KatZee Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 My rationale is he didn't want a commitment but it didn't stop us from havin sex with each other 3-4 times a week, going out to dinner, shows, work events and introducing families, etc for 7 months. We were dating. He knows me very well and I can't believe he would be so heartless especially because he knows how much I love him. It makes my stomach hurt just to type this. That's all well and good, but going out for food and having sex does not a relationship make. You were good in bed. Fun to hang with. But at the end of the day that's all it was. A good time. He continued on with it because he told you what was going on from the very beginning. He thought you were clear on the conditions, which you obviously weren't and you continued on under false pretenses. Don't ever make assumptions. Have the discussion with someone you're involved with.
destroyed4sho Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 He said that he wants to be in a non-committed relationship but his actions felt different. He hung out with you, introduced you to his family, etc. He felt he can have the best of both worlds if he just told you those simple words that he doesn't want a committed relatiohship. If he was so secure that he is doing the right thing by you, why did he resort to lyng about seeing another woman on Valentines Day?. I am assuming you didn't know about the other woman? In other words, he does have some responsibility here because he knew that your feelings were above and beyond his own but he was selfish enough not to cut it off with you.
veggirl Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 To him it was friends with benefits. Friends hang out and do all the things you guys did, plus he got the benefit of sex from you. Win win for him because in the end he doesn't have to cop to cheating or anything cause he put that caveat on the relationship from the beginning. When ANYONE says they don't want a relationship, find the self respect to walk if that is what you are looking for. You are NEVER going to change someone's mind on that.
Author d0620 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 I attempted to walk away several times during the course of the 7 months. However, the last time he stated he was working towards it and I should have patience since he hasn't been in a commited relationship in 11 years since his divorce. He said he was afraid of commitment so I thought I would stick with him through it to show him there was nothing to be afraid about. He shares responsibility because if he was so clear, as another poster said "why lie" about who you are spending Valentines Day with? You don't introduce FWB to family and go on family outings, or attend work events ect. everybody thought we were in a relationship except him. It hurts because now that he was caught in a lie, instead of him explaining his actions, he rather just throw me away. Even if it were FWB, I have always been supportive, caring and loving towards him. Is this what I deserved? A text message "I think we should move on" and I am not responding anymore. Huh? Really Where is the Friend part in that message? Now had I played stupid or not drove past his house everything would have been fine. OKAY well its not okay to me, I was tired of the charades so maybe I was ready for it to come to an end. I just didn't realize it would hit me like a ton of bricks. I have finally learned my lesson. It hurts like hell, but I have learned. I am vomiting going to the bathroom every 30 min. but NC is in effect.
veggirl Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 No you don't deserve to be lied to like he did. He was very callous in how he ended things with you, FWB or full on relationship...you did deserve more respect than that and I'm sorry he is too cowardly to give it. "Lets just move on" and he has nothing else to say is fked up. He is smitten with this other chick and I am sure once that fades he'll be hitting you up again. Hopefully you'll remember how he treated you at this moment and not respond to that. I'm sorry
mustangsb27 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Incredibly, this was my situation, too. Even the Valentines Day part. The only difference is that I'm a guy and I busted her the day BEFORE Valentine's (We had a date on the actual day). I happened to walk into a bar and she was bumping and grinding with a married dude from out of town. Turns out he was behind the scenes all along. She had also said she didn't want to commit, yet we WERE dating, i.e. going on dates, trips, parties etc, and meeting our respective families and friends. I felt used and very disrespected by the whole thing. Still recovering to this day. I know, the whole thing sucks. No matter how you look at it, it's just not right. If your case were put to a jury, they would all go "awwwww, you poor thing" and then vote 12-0 against you. It's our own fault for giving our hearts to someone who doesn't want to commit. And they get off scot free because they told you up front.. The caveat is this. In my case, I said, "Fine, but I will not go out with you if you are going to be sleeping with someone else", to which she denied doing so. So she basically lied to keep me around, just like I think your dude lied to keep the sex train going. If I had known, I would've been out immediately, but she lied to keep me on a string. It's called having your cake and eating it too. Advice? Learn from it and be careful in the future. I know pretty generic, but true. I know, it drives us crazy to think that someone who we were that close to could be that deceptive and shady. That they can just replace you with someone else that easily. Sucks, but what are you gonna do? Man up (or woman up in your case) and move the eff on. 1
lovelifexx Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I uderstand that it hurts. You should never get together with someone who says they want a uncommitted relationship even if they say they are "headed that way". I think if someone really cares about you , they wouldn't want an uncommitted relationship at all. But it was terrible how he ended it with you. It was insensitive and selfish. YOu did not deserve that at all. But you will read here how many people were in really wonderful loving relationships, but when that person breaks up they do it in a cold, heartless way. I don't get it. Even if I lost feelings for someone, I would really be there for them and try to help them get through the break up as much as I could.
Author d0620 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 Somewhere deep inside I believe he is just commitment phobic. I was pushing him to be committed and he either didn't want to do it or was too afraid. He said something when I saw him the day before valentines day which gave me a clue this was coming. I am putting myself on the 30 day challenge. No calls, No emails, No driving past his house, nothing. He has already taken everything from me my heart, my soul, my emotions, what else is left? What did I get in return? I got a text. Maybe somewhere down the line he will realize what he lost or how much he hurt me. I am hoping that by the time he realizes it, I am long past him. This was unhealthy for me, and although it hurts me now it will be better for me in the long run.
Hopeful714 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I'm sorry but your mistake was to continue on this path with someone who told you UP FRONT that it was casual. If you knew you wanted more and he was unable to deliver, you should have excused yourself from this situation early on. I think he was a bit of a DB to say what he did to you, but in the end, he WAS honest and you had to have known all along that he was being casual with you while looking for someone to be serious with. I'm sure this is very hurtful and I am sorry for that but the best way to avoid this in the future is to never let it happen again. Have more respect for yourself in so far as whom you give yourself to.
Author d0620 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 I agree. I should have excused myself early on. I tried but I just couldn't do it after I was already hooked. Then when I tried to leave he kept calling me back and offering more and more of what "Looked" like a commitment but wasn't. Like going to family functions, made me feel like I was closer to getting what I wanted. Like going to his work events and meeting all his friends made me feel like I was in a committed relationship. Hell, there are people who are in a committed relationship who haven't experienced the things I have. He had never stopped seeing other women, he was a player. I was stupid to believe that I would be able to stop his player ways. He is not looking for anything serious he has been single for 11 years. He doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship. He just want a good time and sex. He tried to entertain the thought of it with me and he didn't want it. I'm sure this is very hurtful and I am sorry for that but the best way to avoid this in the future is to never let it happen again. Have more respect for yourself in so far as whom you give yourself to. In the future, I will never do this again. I think I was going through a difficult time with, my ex boyfriend and being with him was a distraction. I just became caught up in it all and before I knew it, I fell in love with him.
Hopeful714 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 It all hurts but it hurts less to walk away early then late. A friend of mine is in your shoes. 10yrs still just a FWB. Always had hope...he never did, never will deliver. And yes, he always said "no relationship" although she met the family etc just like you. Sometimes I get lonely. I am now since my breakup. BUT, I know that the pain of being alone hurts so much less then being disrespected by someone. Nothing hurts more then to feel alone while you are with someone. This guy may be coming back if his fling doesn't work. I hope you stay away. Be well!
Author d0620 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 (edited) The worse part is I just rented a place close to where he lives and he was so excited about it and encouraged it. I don't understand what the sudden change was and now I am left moving to a place by myself. I just feel so alone. My friend tells me to have some dignity and self respect. Its hard because now I feel like a piece of trash. Edited February 16, 2013 by d0620
Author d0620 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 Why am I looking for a response at this point? The last message he sent was Valentine's Day night "Let's just move on" I am not going to respond any more, and he hasn't. I feel I deserve more than that but I am not going to get it. I sent this text today, and I need to make sure it's my last. I am deleting his number from my phone and these last text messages as I attempt to replay them in the back of my head wondering if I told him everything that I wanted him to know. As another poster stated I was just played, so I don't know anyone willing to accept they were played and their feelings never mattered. You already know how badly you hurt me. You threw me away like a piece of trash with no regard or respect. You know how I feel about you and I know sometimes my emotions get the best of me. There is no excuse for how you chose to handle this. It's cowards and I wouldn't wish anything like this on my worse enemy. Clearly you don't care so I am not going to waste anymore of my energy trying to give you anymore of my feelings. You have taken enough
mustangsb27 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Yeah, I had a text exchange with her saying basically the same thing. They don't give a rat's a**. She already had someone else waiting in the wings and she was looking to bail even though she had told me that I had treated her better than anyone in her life. Turns out she was more comfortable with narcissistic types that treat her like sh*t. And I wasted 2 years of my life. Trust me, they won't reply to any explanatory texts. Just go NC all the way and time will be a healer. It's ok to wish failure on them, however. You should try this exchange if you ever get a reply from him: You: "I wish you had a twin." Him: "Why do you wish I had a twin." You: "So you can go f*ck yourself!
Author d0620 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Yeah, I had a text exchange with her saying basically the same thing. They don't give a rat's a**. She already had someone else waiting in the wings and she was looking to bail even though she had told me that I had treated her better than anyone in her life. Turns out she was more comfortable with narcissistic types that treat her like sh*t. And I wasted 2 years of my life. Trust me, they won't reply to any explanatory texts. Just go NC all the way and time will be a healer. It's ok to wish failure on them, however. You should try this exchange if you ever get a reply from him: You: "I wish you had a twin." Him: "Why do you wish I had a twin." You: "So you can go f*ck yourself! Thanks this made me laugh. 4 days and no response. If feels like he is trying to punish me, because why else would he leave me under these conditions? Even as my "friend", I don't get it.
Author d0620 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 I don't remember going a day without talking to him or seeing him in 8 months. He was like one of my best friends, and I really miss him. This situation made me realize that I don't want sex with him anymore, I just want my friend back. Without sex I wouldn't have to worry about who he is with and I can still have someone I care about. I keep telling myself "I shouldn't have called him or drove past his house" then we would be talking right now. I feel so much pressure in my life right now and going through this makes me question why it's all happening to me at one time. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, but I have been through so much in my life that I am so tired of challenges. I'm just tired, couldn't he just wait for a couple weeks? I don't know because he is not answering me. I text him one time each day the last 4 days. No answer and now I promise I am done texting him. I keep asking myself over and over "Who the fu.. Is this guy? Even if he found someone else, I don't deserve an explanation or even a telephone conversation? A text?
Leigh 87 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 He was using you as a fun, nice girl to have in his life, until he got tired of it, wanted to try a new girl, or find a girl he actually developed feelings for. He has with that women now because he either; got strong enough feelings for her to want to try a committed relationship; he is not into the new women either but wants another friends with benifits scenario. I doubt he was just sick of you personally, but may have wanted "new pussy" so to speak, LOL! Either way: it is VERY easy for some women to develop feelings for a guy, once they have been intimate with them! On the flip side: more men than women, have the tendency to have sex without getting feelings for someone.
candie13 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 It may sound horrible, but if a guy says he's not ready for a relationship, he is telling the truth. So believe it, and if you want smth more serious, DO NOT DATE THE GUY AGAIN. That was my main take out from a rather similar experience, one and a half year ago. Just like you, really liked the guy, fantastic chemistry, incredible dates, but the guy simply wasn't ready (bad timing or maybe I simply wasn't "the one"). Just like you, the more time we spent, the more I became involved. I took the courage and had the talk with him. He was torn, and was giving me what I felt at the time, was "half measures", so I left ...whatever that "thing" was. We'd only been seeing each other for a month or so, and despite the fact that I stopped all physical contact, no more kissing or holding hands, it took us four more months to completely stop all contact. It's hard... but you need to keep your eyes on yourself, on what you want and on what you are getting out of that relationship. And remember, if a relationship isn't bringing you anything, it means it takes something from you. Please, don't sit around and wait for any contact from him. I say... go out and meet other people, change the scenario, change your state of mind. DO ALL YOU CAN TO GIVE HIM UP and LET GO. And... since you've just moved, do something different, move the furniture around, paint the walls in your room, anything to acknowledge a new phase of your life, you moving on and leaving the past behind.
Author d0620 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 He was using you as a fun, nice girl to have in his life, until he got tired of it, wanted to try a new girl, or find a girl he actually developed feelings for. He has with that women now because he either; got strong enough feelings for her to want to try a committed relationship; he is not into the new women either but wants another friends with benifits scenario. I doubt he was just sick of you personally, but may have wanted "new pussy" so to speak, LOL! Either way: it is VERY easy for some women to develop feelings for a guy, once they have been intimate with them! I agree with this, but unfortunately I didn't want to believe it.
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