Not so sure about this guy....

[april38]

Hi, I have a question about my situation:

 

I've been dating a guy for about a month and a half. Originally I had high hopes for us, but now I'm not so sure. We have both liked eachother for a long time, chatting at work and slowly getting to know eachother. He finally asked me out in January, and we've been out about once a week since them. We had nice dates, hiking, nice dinners, good talks, fooling around, eventually sleeping together after trying to wait as long as we could. He calls me every couple of days, and we text a hello every day, mostly initiated by him, but I've been responsive and reciprocate as well. Well, last week I noticed when he was trying to lock down plans with me that he would say he would call the next day to lock in plans, but then not follow up. This happened 2 days in a row, so I set my boundary and explained that I need him to be more reliable, he said he would be more reliable, he's just got a lot on his plate at work, and didn't feel like he was caught up in his life, and knows it affects me. I accepted that, and we moved on. But overall, I feel his lack of sense of urgency to be with me, and it bothers me. I feel like when a guy wants to be with you he makes it happen, and he's being way too nonchalant for my taste. This week we both had the flu, and I was sick first. He never offered to come over, or bring me anything, but checked in a couple times a day to see how I was doing. When he got sick, I offered to bring him stuff, and he said, no he didn't want me to see him that way. I accepted that, and the day before valentines day, he mentioned it, and asked if we could postpone it for when we could have some quality time. I agreed. On valentines day, he called for a minute in the morning and said he'd check in with me later, I texted later invited him over for dinner saturday night, he accepted, and I haven't heard from him since. Here's what bothers me - he didn't follow up last night like he said he would, he knows that bothers me. He only sees me about once a week, sometimes twice, it doesn't feel like hes that into me. Don't people start spending more and more time together when they like eachother?? I want to see him all the time, but he seems to be either holding back, or maybe losing interest, I don't know. What should I do? I feel like making up an excuse and cancelling dinner tomorrow, and just cutting him loose. I feel like I'm a rare, beautiful, fun, incredible woman and he should be jumping for joy to be with me (I mean thats how I feel about him), but I'm not feeling that kind of reaction from him, so what's a girl to do? Any advice from the guys would help, thank you!!

[clia]

He calls me every couple of days, and we text a hello every day, mostly initiated by him, but I've been responsive and reciprocate as well.

 

I think this is a fine amount of communication for six weeks into a relationship. He also seems to be initiating it, based on what you said, so that is also good.

 

Well, last week I noticed when he was trying to lock down plans with me that he would say he would call the next day to lock in plans, but then not follow up.

 

Did the plans not end up happening, or did you contact him to lock down the plans? Do you give him time to lock them down or are you contacting him before he has a chance (i.e. jumping the gun, so to speak)?

 

This happened 2 days in a row, so I set my boundary and explained that I need him to be more reliable, he said he would be more reliable, he's just got a lot on his plate at work, and didn't feel like he was caught up in his life, and knows it affects me.

 

Is it true that he has a lot going on at work? I don't know, when I am really busy at work I could go days without talking to or seeing my boyfriend and not think much of it. Some people are just like that. Luckily he understands that about me and doesn't let it bother him. Maybe it bothers you; this may not be the right guy for you.

 

I accepted that, and we moved on. But overall, I feel his lack of sense of urgency to be with me, and it bothers me. I feel like when a guy wants to be with you he makes it happen, and he's being way too nonchalant for my taste.

 

Your instincts are generally right, but it sounds like your guy may have some other things going on and isn't able to completely focus on your relationship right now.

 

This week we both had the flu, and I was sick first. He never offered to come over, or bring me anything, but checked in a couple times a day to see how I was doing. When he got sick, I offered to bring him stuff, and he said, no he didn't want me to see him that way.

 

This may give you a clue why he didn't offer to help you out. From his standpoint he wouldn't want you to see him when he is sick, so he may think you would feel the same way. He would be wrong, but thinking that way doesn't make him a bad person. Also, you are only six weeks into the relationship, and this is more of a "boyfriend" thing to do. Are you exclusive?

 

On valentines day, he called for a minute in the morning and said he'd check in with me later, I texted later invited him over for dinner saturday night, he accepted, and I haven't heard from him since. Here's what bothers me - he didn't follow up last night like he said he would, he knows that bothers me.

 

You lost me. He said he'd check in later. You texted him and the two of you talked. And you expected him to check in again? For what purpose? Is it possible he thought that your text constituted the "check in later"?

 

He only sees me about once a week, sometimes twice, it doesn't feel like hes that into me.

 

You would know best whether he is hot/cold toward you. How does he treat you when you are together?

 

Don't people start spending more and more time together when they like eachother??

 

Typically yes, but remember that you are only at six weeks. In my view, twice a week is perfectly reasonable at this point. Is it more often twice a week now than once a week?

 

I want to see him all the time, but he seems to be either holding back, or maybe losing interest, I don't know.

 

People have different levels of "wanting to be togetherness." You may want to see him and "check in with him" and talk to him all the time; he may be happy seeing you two or three times a week, and talking every other day. It doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't interested in you or doesn't like you. It may just be that he has a lot of work to do, likes his alone time, or has other things on his plate right now. Speaking from experience here, I am not a "togethertogethertogether" type of person, even when I am very much in love. I'm happy to see my boyfriend 3-4 times a week, tops. That's enough for me. He would rather see me every day, but puts up with me because he'd rather see me 3-4 times a week than not at all. Maybe the two of you are just different in your level of "togetherness" right now?

 

What should I do? I feel like making up an excuse and cancelling dinner tomorrow, and just cutting him loose.

 

If you truly don't want to see him anymore, then go ahead and do this. If you think you can do better than him and find a guy who will be gushing over you and wanting to spend 24/7 with you, then do this. But, if he's a good guy, and you think this might be a temporary distraction on his part, I don't see why you would cut him loose just yet. If you want to gage his level of interest, then stop asking him to dinner and stop initiating the locking down of the plans. If he doesn't lock down the plans, you make other plans. You'll know pretty quickly where you fall on his list of priorities if he completely fails to do it. Also, if you aren't exclusive with him and haven't had that discussion, you are free to date others. And you should date others; maybe just keep this guy in your rotation but take a step back.

[april38]

Thank you for replying, I think I may have too much time on my hands while he does have his plate full, and that's probably messing with my head.

 

Did the plans not end up happening, or did you contact him to lock down the plans? Do you give him time to lock them down or are you contacting him before he has a chance (i.e. jumping the gun, so to speak)?.

 

He did lock down plans after that, and we spent the next day together, and had a wonderful time. He even followed up afterward thanking me for the best weekend he's had in a very long time.

 

You would know best whether he is hot/cold toward you. How does he treat you when you are together?

 

He's very sweet and into me when we are together.

 

 

I guess I'm just used to men making lots of time for me, and being really into me right from the beginning, but he's made it clear from the very beginning that he wants to take things slow with me, and that's what he's doing. I'm not used to this. I'm afraid that his taking things this slowly means that he's not that into me. I guess I need lots of reassurance, and I'm not getting as much as I'm used to. He's a great guy, may not be the one for me, but I'd like to know before I decide to cut him loose.

 

This may give you a clue why he didn't offer to help you out. From his standpoint he wouldn't want you to see him when he is sick, so he may think you would feel the same way. He would be wrong, but thinking that way doesn't make him a bad person. Also, you are only six weeks into the relationship, and this is more of a "boyfriend" thing to do. Are you exclusive?

 

You're right about this, and no we are not exclusive. I just don't want to be one of those girls who makes excuses for guys and deluding myself into thinking he really likes me, when maybe he doesn't. Nobody wants to play the fool, and I'm no exception. Maybe He's not into me, and I'm not seeing it....I don't know. I'm generally a very confident woman, and he's told me he likes that about me, but I'm sure you can sense my insecurity here - and it's not a comfortable feeling.

[Ruby Slippers]

I was in a similar situation last summer. I had just started dating this guy I really liked, and his communication was lower than what I was used to. On paper, what he was doing was fine, acceptable, but I just didn't feel he was that into me.

 

I talked to my counselor about it, and she advised me to ask for what I want - more contact. He did everything I asked, but I always had this nagging feeling that it would have been much better if he'd done it on his own, without me having to request it.

 

I stuck with it for 6 months, and though I don't regret spending that time with him and I learned a lot - I always felt that I was more into him, and it's ultimately the reason I left him.

 

I think if you have to ask yourself these questions and start to doubt, that's your intuition telling you there's a problem. I'm not recommending you end things. Just pay attention to what you're already starting to notice, and ask yourself moving forward if it's really doing it for you.

[april38]

I was in a similar situation last summer. I had just started dating this guy I really liked, and his communication was lower than what I was used to. On paper, what he was doing was fine, acceptable, but I just didn't feel he was that into me.

 

I talked to my counselor about it, and she advised me to ask for what I want - more contact. He did everything I asked, but I always had this nagging feeling that it would have been much better if he'd done it on his own, without me having to request it.

 

I stuck with it for 6 months, and though I don't regret spending that time with him and I learned a lot - I always felt that I was more into him, and it's ultimately the reason I left him.

 

I think if you have to ask yourself these questions and start to doubt, that's your intuition telling you there's a problem. I'm not recommending you end things. Just pay attention to what you're already starting to notice, and ask yourself moving forward if it's really doing it for you.

 

I tend to agree with you about instincts. I know there is a nagging uneasy feeling here, I just can't tell exactly what it is.

[carhill]

IMO, entertain the attentions of other eligible bachelors. When thinking and 'work' become so enmeshed in a budding romance, that's usually a sign of synergy disconnect. At minimum, yours and his natural dating/relationship styles currently differ. Is that resolvable? Unknown. You made your boundaries known. Time will tell if his actions respect them or not. In the interim, nothing wrong with wider 'get to know'. If you do make that choice, communicate it so he is clear on that aspect and has no expectations of exclusivity.

[Ruby Slippers]

IMO, entertain the attentions of other eligible bachelors.

Excellent advice. I resisted this advice from my girlfriends for years, always preferring to give all my attention to just one guy. Now I see the light. It doesn't make sense to do that until he's proven himself and earned your exclusive attention. Being "nice" wasn't doing me any favors here.