Ex-GF told me she's pregnant

[memvk]

Back story - We broke up initially was because she wouldn't be exclusive after 5 months of dating. We did two months of hot/cold where we'd hook up for a few days, then off for a week or two. She says it's because I pressure her too much for a relationship and that we're only good drunk/in bed. She's basically an alcoholic and possibly has some emotional issues she needs counseling for (rough past).

 

This week - When she told me she was with child we had a good conversation, discussed dating again, then slept together. Said it was 100% mine as she was not sleeping with anyone else. Couple days later we talked again as I had some questions/concerns about this as I already have a kid from a previous marriage that ended poorly. That went as okay as serious conversations go, then she said I was pressuring her/hovering and it went downhill fast. Said it might not be mine and through my concerns back in my face (she's done this before), and then she completely shut down. I left saying not to contact me again unless it regards the child or until the kid is about to be born.

 

Today - Right now I'm going to not contact her for a while and let things cool off a bit. She always contacts me when she's under stress/pressure/etc, so I don't really have to worry about her not contacting me. But here's the thing, I don't know if I want to get back with her or not, but I want to know how to communicate/deal with her so she doesn't feel pressured (smothered?) which seems to be our issue. Most importantly, I want an amicable relationship with her in case this is my child.

 

So any advice on how to tailor my behavior to suite her so we can bridge this gap instead of widening it? Basically, how to be nonchalant let her make the decisions/moving towards me instead of moving towards her.

[Keenly]

I already don't think its your kid man, were talking about a woman who refused to be exclusive, and obviously likes to hop into bed with dudes when she is drunk.

 

 

 

Sounds awfully sketchy.

[memvk]

I agree, but in case it is mine I want to be able to mend fences. We did have sex (hammered, of course) right when she would have been ovulating, so unless she slept with someone the night or two before we last hooked up, it's probably a safe bet it's mine.

[NoLeafClover]

I agree, but in case it is mine I want to be able to mend fences. We did have sex (hammered, of course) right when she would have been ovulating, so unless she slept with someone the night or two before we last hooked up, it's probably a safe bet it's mine.

Do i need to tell you about women not having any type of control of their hormones and when and where are ovulating.

 

How do you know she wasn't ovulating when you weren't with her? Or she got an "OVULATO-Meter" and she knows exactly when she can get pregnant by just looking at the day of the week?

If she was so sure, why did she tell you there might be a chance there it's not yours.

Wait so she did screw someone over in-between?

 

C'mon man you can't be this stupid. You know that there are girls that have gotten pregnant even while on birth control and/or period right.

 

It's a good thing you are taking this as if it was your child. I would tell you to not have any type of contact with this person but since a child is involved I'd suggest you do your best to be there for the baby's sake.

This means to be nice to the baby's mother even if she's into it just to irritate you and make your life a living hell just because she can.

Unfortunately this some of the consequences of playing Russian Roulette with women you are not compatible with.

[memvk]

I didn't say that she didn't sleep with someone before the night in question, but I know for certain that she didn't sleep with anyone else for the next three nights as she was with me. And given the typical ovulation period, and the fact that her menstrual cycle was as punctual as the Japanese rail system, it's a good chance I knocked her up if she actually is pregnant. Of course, this could all be a game - still need to see the doctor's report.

 

Now back to the point of all this - I want to know how to communicate/deal with her so she doesn't feel pressured*, which seems to be our issue, so we can have an amicable relationship if this child is mine.

 

*Saying I want an active role or asking for something I want/think (like meeting family) is apparently too much for her.

[destroyed4sho]

I didn't say that she didn't sleep with someone before the night in question, but I know for certain that she didn't sleep with anyone else for the next three nights as she was with me. And given the typical ovulation period, and the fact that her menstrual cycle was as punctual as the Japanese rail system, it's a good chance I knocked her up if she actually is pregnant. Of course, this could all be a game - still need to see the doctor's report.

 

Now back to the point of all this - I want to know how to communicate/deal with her so she doesn't feel pressured*, which seems to be our issue, so we can have an amicable relationship if this child is mine.

 

*Saying I want an active role or asking for something I want/think (like meeting family) is apparently too much for her.

 

Do exactly what you are doing now...only contact her if it concerns the baby, not about the relationship.

Dont text, call, email that much...keep it to a limit.

 

If she even thinks this is too much, what can you do?? It means she doesn't want you in her life and very LC is in order. In which case, you need to make arrangements once the child is born on visitation rights, child care, etc...may get legal.

[destroyed4sho]

BTW, sounds like there is a good chance it is yous....BUT remember sperm can live inside a womans body for 6 days....

[Sugarkane]

Why do so many people go and get knocked up so soon after a breakup? Can't people be single for 5 minutes? And why are they're parents always supportive, when their young adult/ adult gets pregnant by a fling or whatever? My parents would never be supportive if I did this.

[Sugarkane]

If she's been sleeping with other people, it's highly likely that it's not yours.

[memvk]

We got together over the weekend and had a relaxing evening at her place, sorted some stuff out (she apologized), and are working on keeping a friendship going. One thing that stood out - and she's said similar before - is she said she wished she loved me. That makes me think she's still hoping something will change in our dynamic that will allow her to let herself fall in love. Probably over-thinking things, but it's this phrase that led to me initially breaking up with her, then her freaking out and having friends check up on me and blowing up my phones with texts saying she missed me and needed me. Then I got clingy which led to the on-off fiasco. I dunno... thoughts?

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

A lot of things here represent my opinion and values, so I don't want to impose them on you. I'm just offering my perspective.

 

To be honest, my first reaction upon reading this was for the well-being of the baby, especially after reading the part about her (basically) being an alcoholic...

 

I'm not too sure about the medical details, but I remember that at some point in the pregnancy even a small amount of alcohol may have a really bad impact on the child's well-being. And if she's an alcoholic and won't be able to control her drinking during the pregnancy, I'm worried about the baby getting hurt...

 

Have you perhaps talked to her about this? I know it's a touchy subject with alcoholics (especially if they're in denial), but I think this conversation can hardly wait. Perhaps it might be best if you first consult your personal physician or some (non)governmental organisation (maybe sth like Planned Parenthood) to get more information. Then talk to her.

 

I hope you guys will be able to mend your fences and establish a functional relationship (be that romantic or non-romantic). I understand you're not sure if the baby is yours, but I guess there's a big chance it is, and I'm sure you wish the best for your child. And in your child's best interest is for his/her parents to have a functional relationship. And also in the child's best interest is for his/her mother to take care of him as best as possible during the pregnancy (no alcohol, low stress, good diet etc.). I hope someone with more knowledge of this will chime in and give you more advice.

 

I'm assuming of course she will decide to keep the baby (and that she is indeed pregnant... I don't want to be insulting or anything, it's just that I've heard of people get tricked into thinking that a girl is pregnant when she wasn't, then getting her pregnant. If she is, disregard this as mad rambling:)).

 

Having said that, I understand that there's a good chance that it will be very hard for you too! But I hope you will both realize that, at least in my opinion, now you two aren't the most important persons in this relationship/story anymore, but that the baby is!

 

Because having a baby/pregnancy is one of the most, if not the most important responsibility you will ever have (disclaimer: I'm not a parent, but I have had to deal with the possibility of a pregnancy during a not very rosy time in a relationship).

 

So whatever the issues may be, you have to try to establish a functional, working relationship (even if it's a non-romantic), for the baby's sake! And that should be, in my opinion, your first priority, even if things don't work out for you as a couple...

 

----

 

I can only try to imagine how hard it is to not be sure if it's yours or not. But I hope this will not deter you from doing your best, despite possibly being disappointed somewhere down the road. I wouldn't want to take that chance...

 

----

 

So if/when you decide to maintain a contact her insofar as it's connected to the baby, please, bear in mind that a lot of things influences a child before he's even born. That means if she will be drinking, doing drugs, smoking, ignoring her dietary needs etc., it's, in my opinion, sth connected to the baby and you shouldn't ignore it.

 

Thus, my advice would be to first talk to her about what you both will try do to take care of the baby's best interest in the pregnancy.

 

Also, I would suggest you try to attend support groups/systems (I don't know what the situation is like where you live) where they offer support to future parents or couples in general that wish to resolve their issues, improve communication.

 

In addition to this, I hope you guys (individually and together) have people (family, friends,...) in your lives with experience and knowledge of going through pregnancy etc., who will be able to help you get through this. And there's always plenty of books, sites on the internet etc.

 

-----

 

One "last" thing (I'm sure I'll remember some more stuff later:)) - she said she "wishes" she loved you. Did she love you before, during the 5 months when you were together? Was she in love with you? What are your feelings for her?

 

In any case, I wish all of you, and especially the baby, all the best! And I'm glad you're here, trying to get advice! I hope we will be of help:)

 

Best wishes

 

edit: You've mentioned her needing counselling. I fully support that, it's helped me and a lot of people I know.

Edited February 18, 2013 by Calvin's wagon
added the part about counselling.

[memvk]

She says she never fell in love with me, but many friends think she loves me - if that makes sense. I fell in love with her, but right now things have cooled off significantly.

 

I think, more than anything, I need to change the dynamic of our relationship. It's time to not be so available and to make our interactions, when they happen, more about affection than sex. Being affectionate (cuddles, stroking hair, etc) without the intentions of sex increases dopamine levels and helps with pair-bonding. Orgasms, on the other hand, have a nasty way of dropping dopamine levels back to baseline and bringing up our defense mechanisms - likely why she goes cold for about a week whenever we have sex. Plus, playing hard to get always never hurts.

 

Wish me luck.

[Calvin's wagon]

Memvk, I'm glad you replied, but to be honest, I'm surprised that in your reply you didn't mention anything related to her pregnancy...?

 

As to what you've written about changing the dynamics of the relationship, and about her saying you two are only good drunk/in bed - how is your dynamic when your doing other "relationship things", like going out to the movies etc.?

 

And when you say "playing hard to get" - with (potentially) a baby on the way, perhaps it'd be better for everyone involved to invest the time&energy in improving your relationship by communicating, counselling, support groups etc. than by playing mind games like "playing hard to get".

 

And of course, I wish all of you good luck that you will resolve the situation in the best way for all involved:)

[memvk]

We never really did the dating thing. It was mostly head over to her place, watch some TV/talk, drink and bed. However, the few times we did go out, they went okay. We are both warm weather/sunshine/be outdoors people, so when it started getting cold, things started going south.

 

Pregnancy is what it is. She controls the ball there, so I'm going to let her do what she's going to do while keeping a close eye on the situation. I've suggested counseling, but to force anything at the moment would be a bad move and only push her away.

 

The reason I suggested changing the dynamic simple - the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. The current M.O. is she contacts me, we hang out, have sex, then she goes cold for a week or so. By changing things up I will hopefully break this pattern so we can get some kind of positive growth in our relationship - be it as friends or more. Call it a game if you will (and trust me, it seems that way), but this is advice from women I know who swear the best way to get her attention is to change things up. I have to have her walking towards me, not me trying to batter down walls, if I want things to be better between us.

 

Thanks for the well wishes.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hey.

 

Well, that's great news, that when you went out, it went okay! When spring comes, you will have a lot of opportunities to do things that you both enjoy:) And don't worry, with the global warming, long winters won't be a problem for long;)

 

Given what you've said above, do you perhaps know why she thinks you two are good only/mostly just drunk/in bed? You've mentioned she thinks you're pressuring too much for a(n exclusive) relationship, but has she mentioned anything else?

 

Great that you'll keep a close eye on the situation regarding pregnancy, and I'd agree that forcing counselling is not a good thing.

 

I know there are other things to be talked about this, but I've had a rough day and wouldn't want to say sth wrong tonight. I'll try to drop by in the next days.

 

Best regards

[memvk]

Keeping it short and sweet - we're only good drunk/in bed because that's pretty much all we ever did together. The few times we've hung out sober things would generally take a turn for the worse because of my communication style - I say what's on my mind without much of a filter, and if it can be taken poorly, it usually is despite my best intentions. Drunk isn't a problem because I just listen or tell stupid stories - I'm rarely serious when drinking.

 

The things we have going for us are that we are extremely comfortable together; have an incredible sex life; similar core values, interests and dislikes; get flustered and defensive when provoked; and have an uncanny knack of knowing what the other is about to say. I've joked that she is the female version of me.

 

I really hope that with time we will learn to communicate with each other in a way we both understand. I think I have to learn to think before I speak with her. She needs to learn that if I say something that confuses or upsets her, that she needs to ask me to clarify or tell me about it instead of letting it fluster her.

 

Thanks for the feedback and well wishes.

[memvk]

Addendum - we are also only good drunk/in bed because 95% of the time we hung out sober, we were both hung over. That never makes for good times.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hey!

 

How's it going? Any (good) news?

[memvk]

We've moved back into a FWB situation, which is an improvement from the "move on" message I got from her a few days before. Gotta just keep it cool and nonchalant with her, remain positive, and hope that the feelings she once had for me come back...

[Thunderchild]

Get a DNA test - then see how it goes from there!

[memvk]

I'm waiting until the kid is born for the paternity test. It's too expensive in utero.

[memvk]

Also want to add that through all of this, the break ups and make ups, even the month we didn't communicate where she was seeing someone else regularly, my toothbrush is still in the holder on her bathroom sink. That has to say something.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi, thanks for the updates, I hope the situation continues to improve for everyone!

[memvk]

Now she's not responding to messages from me. I'm at the point of not really caring anymore. I'm more concerned about how best to protect myself if the kid is mine and saying screw her and her histrionics.