calgary Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 basically. my ex is faithful. she's a ridiculously good girl and it's hard to find somebody like her out there. Everybody knows she would never cheat it wasn't in her nature she said it would be unnatural for her to sleep with somebody she barely knew she would have to love them. I don't know many girls in that frame of mind anymore. so I know most people won't believe this. basically guys would flirt with her, but she wouldn't make it clear that she was in a relationship.. i'd see them like almost grabbing her butt. I wanted to go over and say something but she'd have hated me. she'd dance with one guy all night and he'd buy her drinks and stuff. the last straw was when I saw her sat with a guy holding hands and talking. she seems oblivious to guys liking her. she really never would cheat on me and my friends always said ' just remember she's going home with you not him' just take it as a compliment you have an attractive girlfriend. but I couldn't. i'd get jealous, id get insecure. I got worried when she'd go on nights out without me ? is that natural? would anybody else have felt the same way as me ? or was I wrong to end things? I just didn't like to see it, it felt disrespectful. if she was like this infront of me what was she like when I wasn't around? I still really love and miss her and sort of regret losing what I had with her over something like this. but I felt that I had to do it because it was upsetting me and she was unwilling to see it from my perspective. I always felt like she was getting distant with me.. and then scoping out new interest and I sort of ended it before she did maybe ? it's funny because she's met me twice since the break up and we've been flirty and held hands and hugged and stuff but she said she doesn't want a relationship right now.. i'm wondering if she means with me.. until I fix things.. I just don't know how.. she seems to be stringing me along, texting me daily making sure I stay in her life to some extent by any means necessary. I stopped going to the club we both went to and started going to one I used to go to with friends before I met her and she turned up in there last week.. but I had decided not to go out. she keeps telling me she's not interested in anybody else. the closest thing to been with anyone else is, she went for lunch with one of her best guy friends. she has more guy friends than girl friends though. maybe i'm a jealous insecure type? maybe she was wrong ? maybe she's just playing with me.. I think i'm just trying to learn so I don't make the same mistakes in my next relationship or whatever. let me know your opinions I really like this website. i'm not sure I've written this thread in a hopes to write an apology and get back together.. I think it's more understanding about myself and what I should and shouldn't tolerate. although if you want to tell me no contact walk away or hang in there she still likes you... or she's trying to make you an emotional tampon.. i'll appreciate those comments too !
mammasita Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I don't see where you ever expressed to her that this was not OK. You never set any boundaries. I would NEVER be ok with watching my man dance with and hold hands with another woman while we were out - I don't give a damn if he's coming home with me. WTF were you thinking? 3
Author calgary Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 I don't see where you ever expressed to her that this was not OK. You never set any boundaries. I would NEVER be ok with watching my man dance with and hold hands with another woman while we were out - I don't give a damn if he's coming home with me. WTF were you thinking? that's why I ended it ! I didn't think you'd need to set boundaries like that, I thought it was just common sense that it was wrong ! I did tell her a few times but she continued to do it so I ended things! i didn't really want to end things. but i didn't want her to carry on doing that to me.
stevie_23 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I was going to say that I felt your own feelings of jealousy and insecurity and your own attitudes about other people's flirty or going-too-far behaviour would not be a GOOD reason to end an otherwise good relationship, but they're still valid because they're your feelings. I was also going to say that if SHE chose to ignore your feelings and refused to make compromises that would accommodate your needs and feelings about this issue, then that would be a better reason for you to end things. But then I read that you never even told her how you really felt? Never had a discussion about it? Hmm. Nobody is a mind reader, you know. She may just have been SO secure and settled in your relationship that she simply didn't even stop to think that letting other guys dance or flirt with her wasn't ok. People tend to assume others feel the same way they do, and she may have thought it just wasn't a problem. If she truly was becoming more cold towards you, well...ok, that would be cause for worry. But this may have been your own perception being tainted a bit by this other issue of insecurity and jealousy and being threatened by the other guys and her attitude towards all of that. (and I don't know if your insecurity and jealousy stems from the fear she may cheat on you - you said several times she'd NEVER do that, but your other words contradict that belief somewhat - or rather, that you're insecure based on the fact she doesn't show the same respect to your relationship that you expect from her, so you may feel she doesn't / didn't value you enough). Basically, I would've talked to her about this stuff before breaking anything off. If she then still refused to clearly let people know she is "taken" and to show respect for you and your relationship in that way, THEN you'd be fully entitled to break it off, not (in my opinion) because she's necessarily doing anything wrong, but because she wouldn't be willing to take your feelings into account.
Author calgary Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 I was going to say that I felt your own feelings of jealousy and insecurity and your own attitudes about other people's flirty or going-too-far behaviour would not be a GOOD reason to end an otherwise good relationship, but they're still valid because they're your feelings. I was also going to say that if SHE chose to ignore your feelings and refused to make compromises that would accommodate your needs and feelings about this issue, then that would be a better reason for you to end things. But then I read that you never even told her how you really felt? Never had a discussion about it? Hmm. Nobody is a mind reader, you know. She may just have been SO secure and settled in your relationship that she simply didn't even stop to think that letting other guys dance or flirt with her wasn't ok. People tend to assume others feel the same way they do, and she may have thought it just wasn't a problem. If she truly was becoming more cold towards you, well...ok, that would be cause for worry. But this may have been your own perception being tainted a bit by this other issue of insecurity and jealousy and being threatened by the other guys and her attitude towards all of that. (and I don't know if your insecurity and jealousy stems from the fear she may cheat on you - you said several times she'd NEVER do that, but your other words contradict that belief somewhat - or rather, that you're insecure based on the fact she doesn't show the same respect to your relationship that you expect from her, so you may feel she doesn't / didn't value you enough). Basically, I would've talked to her about this stuff before breaking anything off. If she then still refused to clearly let people know she is "taken" and to show respect for you and your relationship in that way, THEN you'd be fully entitled to break it off, not (in my opinion) because she's necessarily doing anything wrong, but because she wouldn't be willing to take your feelings into account. we'd argued a few times before about it, id asked her to stop flirting with people or stop going missing for an hour on nights out. she got mad at me, I guess I looked possessive.. it showed that I didn't trust her. it made me look jealous.. I looked insecure like I felt as though I wasn't good enough for her on my own? all those are huge turn offs... but then her flirting with other people was a huge turn off... and her getting mad at me instead of understand was a huge turn off. but I am miserable and i'd rather still have her than not. but i'd rather have a girlfriend who doesn't need telling that it's wrong to do those things! I did end things because she wasn't taking my feelings into consideration, and like I said she'd become distant. we weren't as intimate as we used to be.it got to a point where she never grabbed my hand first or said she loved me first or came for a cuddle or anything. I don't really think i'm a jealous kind of person, I didn't mind her going out partying with friends and such.. until I saw her holding hands with guys and going to the bar with them and just acting like I didn't exist until we got home. she wouldn't cheat.. but just because it wasn't sex or kissing it still looked like she had a new boyfriend.. I can imagine that from people who didn't know hers perspective . it probably looked like the other guy was her boyfriend that night if that makes sense? my last serious relationship 4 years ago ended because she liked somebody else. when it didn't work out she came back.. 10 months later she left me for someone else.. I think it's always scarred me and I always just presume one day somebody better is going to come along and take my girlfriend away. it sounds silly but I just expect it.
Hopeful714 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 You did nothing wrong. Since you had fights about this on occasion, she knew it bothered you and therefore should have been enough for her to quit the flirty behavior knowing that it hurt you. Personally, I would think that this would land in "common sense" too, where you know it's not really proper to do this to someone. I'd call it a warning flag that your girl did not seem to realize this...or didn't really care. She sounds like a girl who wants and needs much attention from outside sources for her self esteem and/or validation. Another flag smacking you in the face. If tables were turned and you acted out in this fashion, I have a feeling you would have had hell to pay. You already ended it so I would go complete NC, get your self respect back, and realize you can do better then someone like this. She is an attention whore. Most people would not tolerate this.
LostGirl11 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Totally disrespectful. Don't beat yourself up over this. Is she a bit slow or something? Don't mean to be rude but her behavior is just weird! Dancing and holding hands with other men while you sit and watch like silly boy lemon! Pfft!
denxnis Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 she said she doesn't want a relationship right now.. i'm wondering if she means with me "I don't want a relationship right now" means I don't want to date YOU right now. You've already expressed how you feel about her, now it's time to carry on. If she was really meant to be yours she will come back someday, if not you need to continue walking forward. Believe it or not there are girl's out there who don't have to be told what's crossing the line and what isn't.
Mack05 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 (edited) If I saw my girl holding hands with some guy in front of me I would call it off. Part of a relationship is about Respect and Boundaries. Holding some dudes hands and her allowing another guy to buy her drink all night, is completely over stepping the mark and it shows an enormous lack of respect. As you said, if she is like this when you are there what would she be like when your not! If a guy did this, the girls here would call him a douche. The solution is simply really and you now need to show strength and take control. Go complete no contact. Explain to her that she is your ex and that you don't want to be friends. Tell her she is free to hold as many hands as she wants. Then disappear. She seems to be a arrogant girl. The type that knows she is good looking, that loves to be in control. Don't be fooled by the never cheat line. Some of these girls are VERY clever and manipulative. Secondly your insecurity will be a problem down the line. Even if you say it won't, it will. Guys that worry about their girls cheating etc will drive every single girl that they come into contact away. You need to buy some self help books, read articles on insecurity, talk to people, whatever it takes to become more secure and confident in yourself. In the next relationship set your boundaries and stick to them. If a girl can't stay within those boundaries she ain't for you. Edited February 16, 2013 by Mack05
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