Bertina Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 My husband and I started dating nearly two years ago. At that time he was involved with a woman whom he said that he was through with since he met me. Well every time we had a spat he would go back to her and sleep with her. I was going through a divorce and we were talking about dating from the time I filed until it was final. Well the day my divorce was final he slept with her even though he said that they were through and he wanted me. We got engaged a little over a year ago and had a fight the day after our engagement cuz he was caught sexting a woman. The day after we broke our engagement he once again went and slept with his old girlfriend. Well he again told me that it was me that he wanted and not her and he moved 6 hours away from her to where I live, got a job and we were married 5 months later. I thought he was over her but I am feeling like I am wrong. Two weeks ago he went on a weekend trip to the city where he moved from and where she lives and I discovered on the phone bill that they texted 40 times and talked on the phone for an hour at 230 in the morning-all of which he erased so as not to hurt me, he said. He said he didn't sleep with her. The night he got back into town he called her and asked her what to do-should he go home to me or get a hotel room? Well he came home to me and told me that he loved me etc. but wished he would of played it out with her and not gave up so easily on her. He said that they were just catching up and he cares about her and misses her and they talked about her kids etc. She has borderline personality disorder, drinks and has hurt many people but he says that everyone things she is scum and he doesn't and she's a good person. I can't trust him. I have told him that his talking to her is the best way to hurt me the most but he can't seem to stop. I am very depressed as though I need to prepare for the day he actually sleeps with her even though he says that they are too moral to commit infidelity together. He apologized after he saw how it hurt me and said he won't do it again. I told him he needs to block her number. We had a fight and he yelled at me to do it since I am so obsessed with the Verizon phone bill. Oh another thing, all the times he was with her and when the talked on the phone he was drunk. I don't drink much and never get drunk. He's in a band and gone a lot on weekends. I feel so alone. He tells me to trust him but I have changed since he talked to her. Any trust I had regarding him has been squashed again. We've only been married 7 months and I can't express my love to him anymore. I used to be so open and expressive with my affection but my heart is cold now. I cry a lot. He tells me to just let it go and that all he did was talk but I can't. I am scared. Am I being dumb here?
GuyInLimbo Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Being dumb? Damn right. Are you kidding me? WHY in the WORLD would even consider staying with such a scumbag? Do you think that little of yourself to let such a piece of garbage disrespect you like that? Repeatedly, nonetheless? You should file for divorce immediately, get into therapy immediately to figure out just why you stay with a guy who openly sh*ts on you and never speak to him again. I think it's pretty clear you spent no time working on yourself after your divorce and jumped right into another unhealthy situation. I don't mean to sound harsh, but c'mon. 2
Author Bertina Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 You are probably right there. I was afraid I'd lose him to this woman cuz of how he always ran to her even though he said they were through. So I jumped in when he wanted me. Funny thing is it looks I am still losing him to this woman slowly and again.... 1
GuyInLimbo Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Why would you be afraid to lose someone who treats you like sh*t, has no respect for you, makes you unhappy and feel bad about yourself and couldn't care less about your well-being? That's not someone I'd even want to live in the same state with. 1
Minnie09 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 You will never be able to trust him fully, even if he stops his behavior right now and for good. This man will always be a threat to your marriage. He uses complications and small arguments in your marriage to have a reason to go look for female attention elsewhere. Then he also uses the alcohol excuse to do what he wants to do anyhow. There's no way he will be a stable partner without addressing his issues. Counseling or some other form of therapy might help him understand himself better, but will only generate results if he WANTS to be that "better" person. At this point I don't think he has enough motivation to change, because history has shown him that he can go on and on and on without experiencing any serious consequences. You're still around, and every time he has SAID he wouldn't do xyz anymore, you would take him back. That's what he knows and that shows him that you're not strong enough to draw the line in the sand AND follow through. He doesn't respect you and sees you as a pushover. Right now, you're not his priority - the other W is. Make yourself a priority and he will follow your lead. Demand respect by acting, not talking.* 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 How can I ever trust him? You never trusted him before - how the hell do you expect to do so now? You need to do three things: One: File for divorce IMMEDIATELY. Two: Kick him out (and yes, he will have a place he can go!) Three: get some urgently-needed therapy as to why you feel it's sufficient for you to be treated like a second-class doormat option. Really, I'm just repeating what others have said, but it bears repeating. Maybe if enough people tell you, you'll actually believe it and motivate yourself to do the right thing. 1
imtooconfused Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Three: get some urgently-needed therapy as to why you feel it's sufficient for you to be treated like a second-class doormat option. I am glad Tara responded because she always has good advice. But she points out something important... What you husband is doing is not normal (for a stable relationship) and should not be accepted. He will never change. But more importantly you shouldn't feel like your only option is to be with someone like that. Please get some help. 1
Author Bertina Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 Thank you everyone for your help. I hear what you are saying. I told him this morning that I see no possible solution, "she is still in your heart and you have a million reasons why you need to be in relationship with her. You forget me in a second and don't care about the hurt your actions will bring me." I guess money and the fact that he pays half the rent is a trouble area but that can be put in the divorce decree that he needs to provide. Yes, I am a wimp and have had a hard time standing up for myself, always feeling like I am nothing and will not survive without a man, etc. I made an appointment with a counselor next week. Funny thing is this woman is like him! She has several men and has snuck my husband in between her meetings! I told him that they should be very happy together.
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Listen very carefully, because this is extremely important: You must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement. The emotional entanglement you are extricating yourself from, is one thing. The Practicality of a divorce, and legal separation - is quite another. Hard as it may be to understand - the two should never meet, and you cannot allow heart to rule head. How you feel about this on an emotional level, may be of supreme importance - but equally important - in fact, far more so - is the logical, practical and rational decisions you have to make, with regard to a legal separation and divorce. Do not permit how you FEEL about him, to interfere with what you must Practically do. See a counsellor. But set up an appointment with a lawyer. Enlist the support and help of a good friend, if you can. It's important you do this right - and that you do it in such a way that he sees you are absolutely serious about this, and not messing about. Please keep in touch here. We will support you in every way we can. Some of us 'have been there'. We have the benefit of experience, and camaraderie on this forum, to help you get through this. 1
Author Bertina Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 How do you deal with the fact that you feel you won't be OK alone? Or the jeolousy that letting him go provokes? I guess me thinking of him with someone else makes me put up with a lot and give him another chance again and again and again. Yet doing this is killing me and making me feel like trash. I am faithful. I give him no reason whatsoever to worry that I will go out on him. He tells people that he could be a soldier who is MIA for 10 years and I'd still be faithful to him. I am too honest to flirt with anyone cuz I hate fakiness and I would never follow through. He is probably taking advantage of this.
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 How do you deal with the fact that you feel you won't be OK alone? By realising it's a lie you're telling yourself, that you're self-sabotaging and that if you survived without him before you met him, there's no reason why you won't again. Particularly as life with him was worse, not better, than when you were alone. Or the jeolousy that letting him go provokes? What are you jealous of? Or more precisely, who? The woman who counts him as one of many? Does he know he's a multiple-choice partner? I guess me thinking of him with someone else makes me put up with a lot and give him another chance again and again and again. Why would that be? You think he's actually worth something if he's in a time-share situation? Don't you realise actually to what risk he's putting you? If he has sex with you, he's had sex with her - and every other guy who's ploughed her. Why would that make him more worthy to you? I think that's repulsive, isn't it? Yet doing this is killing me and making me feel like trash. What - taking him back every time? Ok, get out of that mind-set. you are NOT trash. You are actually too good for the worm. The fact that he takes advantage of your good and loving heart and faithful nature makes him the heap of trash, not you..... I am faithful. I give him no reason whatsoever to worry that I will go out on him. He tells people that he could be a soldier who is MIA for 10 years and I'd still be faithful to him. yeah... if that makes him so proud, he's got a funny way of showing it. He's a sicko. If he thinks you're a conquest, he''s in for a shock - isn't he....? I am too honest to flirt with anyone cuz I hate fakiness and I would never follow through. He is probably taking advantage of this. All 'good things' must come to an end. He's about to see his 'good thing' vanish into thin air, and be replaced by Divorce papers and a kick up the backside. I trust.....? 3
LostGirl11 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Why did you marry him? He slept with her every time you had an argument! Yep, because a man that loves a women does that. Silly me. 1
Author Bertina Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Thank you everyone. This is my first post on this sight and I must say that I am very impressed with the caring and wisdom from all of you...wow..
Joella2014 Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Bertina: I just joined her tonight for my own reasons and things I am going through and can't take anymore. I read your post. I am very much like you. Glutton for punishment. And don't even know why most of the times. I thought I was the only one. J.
Author Bertina Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 J-I think we are just trusting people and want to keep giving chances to our partners when they mess up but we also can't seem to see the handwriting on the wall even though others can. We love too much. I have a strong faith in God and the Bible is full of people getting second, third, fourth chances etc but when does it get to the point that our mercy is enabling them to remain as they are? I think that is what is happening to me. I don't know your story but I hope it helps to know that you aren't alone.
TaraMaiden Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Joella, I have replied in your thread.....
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