newsbug Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 It turns out the knot.com is a cruel and evil site. I couldn't just delete my account. It wouldn't let me just delete the website about our wedding. The best I could do was go through and delete everything individually. I had to look at our happy engagement pic and delete our engagement story. It sucks so much...I just don't know what went wrong. How did he go from wanting me forever to just not? And the meanest thing is the best I could do to make sure it would go away was change the wedding date and put in a fake name for a groom. So mean. I'm very down today. I keep trying to make myself feel up beat or hopeful or strong and it's just not happening. And I know people say I can't blame myself and it's all on him...but there had to be something wrong with me for him to want to go to the other girl. It seems like I make a half of a step forward and then five back. And I accidently clicked on his facebook page when I was trying to click on the wedding site. And there he was with his big smiling face. So happy that I'm gone. All I want is for him to call or text or email me and tell me how wrong he was and how he just had some cold feet and how he wants us to work everything out and be happy again. But I know that's not going to happen...it will never happen. I just can't believe that this is the end of our story. It was supposed to go on forever and not it's over. And I just have to deal with it. I have to try and keep my head up and act like I'm normal while I'm at work instead of the train wreck that I am. I wish the huge gaping hole in my chest was visable...at least then people would stop talking to me and being nice to me as if nothing has happened. As if I didn't just have my world destroyed. And all I can think about is him being with her and being happy. I even imagine them making fun of me and laughing because I was so stupid and I kept telling him no matter what he was going through then we could work through it. And all the time he was just hoping I would dump him so he didn't have to deal with it. Ugh...Today is a bad one. It's early though, so maybe it will get better. Yesterday started out better and went downhill. Who knows?
Debbie2508 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Oh newsbug, you poor thing, what an awful day you had, and how horrendous to have to deal with the whole wedding site fiasco, a real heart wrencher, I'm sure! But well done, you did it, and won't have to face that again. I'm lucky at work, as the people I work most closely with, know what's happened and are happy to talk about it as much as I need to (well, that's what they say anyway ). Is there no one you can confide in? It must be so difficult to try to put a brave face on everyday. Try not to think about your ex and his new gf, I know it's easier said than done, but you're just torturing yourself. I'm sure they're not laughing at you,just your imagination running riot. As for wondering how his feelings could change so quickly, I have absolutely no idea, as I'm in exactly the same boat and don't understand it either. Good luck, hope today is good
Author newsbug Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Oh newsbug, you poor thing, what an awful day you had, and how horrendous to have to deal with the whole wedding site fiasco, a real heart wrencher, I'm sure! But well done, you did it, and won't have to face that again. I'm lucky at work, as the people I work most closely with, know what's happened and are happy to talk about it as much as I need to (well, that's what they say anyway ). Is there no one you can confide in? It must be so difficult to try to put a brave face on everyday. Try not to think about your ex and his new gf, I know it's easier said than done, but you're just torturing yourself. I'm sure they're not laughing at you,just your imagination running riot. As for wondering how his feelings could change so quickly, I have absolutely no idea, as I'm in exactly the same boat and don't understand it either. Good luck, hope today is good There are some people here at work that know what's going on, but I feel weird crying on their shoulders since I'm not much of a crier in general. It kind of sucks because I feel like I could so use a hug right now...a should just to sob on for a minute, but I'm never been touchy feely with people here so I don't want to be weird. And I don't want to bring them down. It kind sucks too since were I work, I have a lot of alone time, which is perfect for keeping my mind going and keeping me feeling like poo. I don't want to wallow and be that annoying sad girl. So, I'm just sticking to myself at the moment. Trying to do my work and just get through the day.
mammasita Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Im so sorry that you are dealing with this. I am in a similar situation. I went from being happily engaged to him moving out to him saying he didn't ever want to get married. Its confusing at best. I had to delete registries and have yet to cancel the location reservation we had. I'm trying to be positive and you should try to do the same, as hard as it is at times. 1
cincinnatikid Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I get the sense something is missing here. Frankly I applaud these men for doing something courageous which is, realizing it's not something they wanted for their life and deciding to take a pass. Better than the alternative of being stuck in marriage that would make them miserable. However counterintuitive and backwards it may seem to you, they did you a favor. Take pride in that. I've always believed that if a man wants a woman he will do what he must and he if doesn't, he'll do the reverse. Unfortunately, the latter happened to you. Relationships are 50/50. Sadly, he walked. Whatever his 50% of the problem was I hope he owns it for himself down the road. My question is, what's your 50% If you just don't see it your not being real with yourself. No one simply walks away from something great. Just food for thought. 1
BUBS Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I know exactly what you are going through, you can look back at my original posts for further info, but I too was engaged. I knew my fiance for 10 years, we dated for a few years when we were young, and then got back together in our early twenties for 3 years. We were engaged for 18 months before he left me for another woman. It has been a struggle, I feel your pain. I suffer everytime I log into my email and realize another wedding registry, or bridal website has emailed me. I struggle with it all. While I agree its better to have not gone through with the marriage if he didn't want to, it hurts deeply to know that he wasn't willing to try, that my value to him disapeared overnight. He was the one that pushed marriage, and growing old together. I hold a lot of pain and resentment to him. Fact of the matter is he wasn't old enough to handle the idea that relationships and love requires effort at times, and isn't always sunshine and joy. I wasn't perfect, but I sacrificed all that I had and was in order to make our relationship work. If you need anyone to talk to I am always here. I am 4 months on today since the actual break up, 5 months since he met the other girl and began to question if he was "in love" with me... so I am further along in the process than you. It does get better I can promise you that. I have my moments, and even my days still... its still very difficult to accept why I wasn't worth it to him, but I grow stronger each day. The people on these forums have helped with advice. You need to realize that no matter how perfect things seemed, if God or whomever removed this man from your life (especially in the cowardly way he chose to leave you, without making the effort to work out differences like a future husband should) than there is probably a reason... he needs to grow up. You can PM me anytime, though I think you need more than 50 posts in order to do so.
Author newsbug Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 I know exactly what you are going through, you can look back at my original posts for further info, but I too was engaged. I knew my fiance for 10 years, we dated for a few years when we were young, and then got back together in our early twenties for 3 years. We were engaged for 18 months before he left me for another woman. It has been a struggle, I feel your pain. I suffer everytime I log into my email and realize another wedding registry, or bridal website has emailed me. I struggle with it all. While I agree its better to have not gone through with the marriage if he didn't want to, it hurts deeply to know that he wasn't willing to try, that my value to him disapeared overnight. He was the one that pushed marriage, and growing old together. I hold a lot of pain and resentment to him. Fact of the matter is he wasn't old enough to handle the idea that relationships and love requires effort at times, and isn't always sunshine and joy. I wasn't perfect, but I sacrificed all that I had and was in order to make our relationship work. If you need anyone to talk to I am always here. I am 4 months on today since the actual break up, 5 months since he met the other girl and began to question if he was "in love" with me... so I am further along in the process than you. It does get better I can promise you that. I have my moments, and even my days still... its still very difficult to accept why I wasn't worth it to him, but I grow stronger each day. The people on these forums have helped with advice. You need to realize that no matter how perfect things seemed, if God or whomever removed this man from your life (especially in the cowardly way he chose to leave you, without making the effort to work out differences like a future husband should) than there is probably a reason... he needs to grow up. You can PM me anytime, though I think you need more than 50 posts in order to do so. Thank you. I may need to talk it out a 100 times before I can, if ever, really except it. I have printed out the NC thing and I read it over and over. This may sound silly, but I just got back from the cemetery. In my car I had these little voodoo doll things that were like me and him and had them hanging on my mirror. In between them I had this bracelet he gave me that said, "You have the key to my heart." I don't wear bracelets, but it was very sweet. I went to the cemetery and I screamed and yelled and just tried to get all of this crap out for just a little bit...and then I buried the mini version of us with the bracelet. I was hoping if I actually bury us since we are dead and he's gone, maybe that would help a bit. I don't know if it will....the screaming and crying helped a bit. Even though I can't seem to quit crying today. But I know I will get better as time goes by...it's just going to take a long time. And I know it's better for him to flake out on my now than after we got married, but that doesn't help with this huge hole in my chest. At least not yet. So I made a promise to myself while I was sitting there yelling at God or him or nothing...that I will continue to let today be my bad day and I will try and let all the tears and horribleness out, but tomorrow I will wake up and take a shower and put on make up and go visit my family and try and smile and act like I'm not completely broken on the inside. I seriously doubt I will make it without a few tears since this will be the first time I will be seeing my parents after it happened, but I can at least try and smile through the tears.
BUBS Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Don't limit yourself right now with your emotions, you are still early on. You will cope at your own pace. It is smart of you to get up, shower and keep yourself fresh and presentable, it will boost your self esteem and keep you focused on the emotions that need to be focused on. It's a hard time, and your family will understand your pain, this is what they are there for. I spent the first month doing absolutely nothing but crying, hiding things from myself, being a mess in general... I still have those days. I confront my pain head on and allow myself to feel whatever I need to, but also try my best to replace negative thoughts that I've thought about over and over already with more positive ones (hard to find at this point). Nothing but time and what you do in that time will make this better entirely. I still am far off from accepting it. I still glorify our relationship, put him on a pedestal and feel that no man will ever make me as happy, or that I will ever trust someone the way I used to be able to trust people. One of my biggest fears is that I will never have that childlike innocence with anyone again, be that open and vulnerable, that alive... but maybe that is for the best. So I need to take my own advice on this one, focus on the things you can control so that your brain functions properly and can cope better. I've said this to myself daily and to others on the forum. Get good sleep, go to bed early... treat your body like its ill. The less tired you are, the less moody you'll be, the less you'll flip out. Eat and drink properly, enough water, whole foods, your brain will function and cope with your situation better when it is healthy. Force yourself to move around, get the endorphin's going. Stay showered, keep your environment clean... it'll keep things simple around you, physically and hopefully help you emotionally. (It wont make life grand, but its better than feeling like a dirty slob with no sleep that just got heartbroken to boot).
ak8o8 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I think this week in general because of Vday it's been rough on a lot of people. At least for me it is. I felt I was moving past this last week but have had several bad days in a row. Sorry you're having a bad day. Anyway, you said you felt you like you needed a hug so *hug* 1
Author newsbug Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 I agree. I have driven by the gym for the past three days, but I haven't yet forced myself in the door. I will...the kind of bad thing is I joined the gym so I could get into shape for the wedding, so it's kinda sad now too. But on a good note, even though it sucks, I have lost 5 pounds this past week...not the ideal way to jump start a diet, but I guess it's as good as any reason to keep on track. My brother just found out how to delete the website completely. That helps. I didn't want to even look at it, but I dreaded it accidentally popping up one day. So now that's totally gone. I honestly can't imagine ever trusting someone like this again. I'm a little older and I had been really careful at not settling for just some guy that would marry me. And this isn't my first broken heart...but I want it to be my last. I never want to go through this junk again. I had pretty much given up on it all when I met him. This will sound bad, but I have two really great friends and both of them went through a bit of a whore stage right before they met their husbands. And now they are both still happily married and I really thought that this was my prize at the end of a whore streak...but I was wrong. And the only reason I was in a sleeping around faze was because I just didn't want to feel anything for anyone again. He snuck in...but it won't happen again. Or at least I hope it won't. heh.
Author newsbug Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 I think this week in general because of Vday it's been rough on a lot of people. At least for me it is. I felt I was moving past this last week but have had several bad days in a row. Sorry you're having a bad day. Anyway, you said you felt you like you needed a hug so *hug* Thank you.
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