Alison Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 I just really need help. I am going through a bad break up. It is a long story and I'll try not to make it boring but the story goes like this. I was with a guy for two years and about 3 months ago he broke up with me. Basically blaming the whole thing on me telling me that we fought too much, and it was all my fault. I just don't understand how it ended up that way. We were so close and I thought we had the best relationship. What I don't understand is I was his longest relationship, before me he was only with someone for 3 months max. Our families got together for Christmas and Thanksgiving and Easter. We just all grew really close. Anyways we always talked about marriage and we pratically lived together. Then out of now where he breaks up with me and we were going on a trip together and he doesn't go with me. Doesn't return any of my phone calls or nothing. About a week later he talks to me over the internet and just asks for his stuff back. I just got really angry and told him he could have been nicer about the whole thing, and he told me to F**K off and that I am just mad because I lost a great guy because I messed up. Its just wierd because when we were together and everything was perfect we made a few "rules" that were all his idea. Rule #1 no talking to exes, Rule #2 no talking to parents about our problems because he felt they were our issues and no one elses. So I agreed that all seemed reasonable to me. Well about 13 months into the relationship when everything was still perfect I caught him talking to his ex from like 3 years ago. His said it was because he needed closure and he apologized and said he would never do it again and that he loved me so much. So I stayed with him. Then I caught him talking to another ex a while after that. Again I stayed with him. I really do love him and i figured we would work things out. Then one day he asked me if he could hang out with another ex because she was in town and called him randomly. This upset me because I gave up talking to my ex who was a good friend of mine for him. I said no thats not okay. So he said I'm so sorry for asking you I won't ever ask you again. Well to get back to the story he breaks up with me out of no where, one night he is having sex with me telling me he loves me over and over again asking me to tell him I love him over and over again and then the night after its all over. When I talked to my parents about it they said he has been talking to them about how he wanted to break up with me for about one year. So this whole time he has been talking to my parents about me, and I haven't at all because he told me not to. This is all very confusing because he seemed like a great guy. He always bought me flowers, opened up my door, took me out, made time for me, called me all the time, etc.... I am just confused because he won't even talk to me now, and he told me he just wanted his stuff back and that I was not worth his time. Why is it okay for him to talk to other exes that he was with for less then 3 months but he can't talk to me that he was with for 2 years? It just hurts and I hope I am not making this confusing. I just don't understand. His ex that he was talking to cheated on him with his friend. How can he talk to her but not to me? He accused me of using him and all this over BS. He said it was all my fault for why its over and that we were never good for eachother. I am not only hurt that its over but I am also hurt in the way he is going about this whole thing. Any advice would help alot. Sorry about the story being so long. At one time though we had such a perfect relationship and I really thought he was the one.
tootolerant Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 sorry to hear of your problem, it doesn't sound unusual, your situation, i don't think you have done anything wrong, people are funny creatures and do and say weird things sometimes. I think you are better off without him, leave him completely alone, you deserve someone alot better, don't waste another minute on thinking about him, lifes too short take care
brokenpromises Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My boyfriend recently broke up with me out of the blue. It is so confusing, he also broke up with me because we fought too much. My suggestion is to not contact him at all. If you are contacting him it is just harder to get over him. Plus by contacting him, he has won cause he knows you still want to be with him. By not calling and contacting he will start to wonder about you. Especially since you were together for like 2 years. It is really hard! Guys just need to realize in general what they are missing out on. If your ex doesn't realize how great you were and how much he misses you. Then he is not worth it. It takes time. A lot of time. Hang in there.
Alison Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 Thanks for responding, I just hear all these stories about people's ex staying in contact with them. My ex doesn't want any contact and its been almost four months. He did call once on the fourth of july and he said it was because he was in the area and needed a place to crash. I live 1 1/2 hours away from him. I thought to myself how rude. I really am trying to get over him, it is just so hard to forget all the good times we had. We always had such a good time and we used to talk on the phone for hours. Now he is saying that we were never good for eachother. It just hurts so bad. Four months and he still doesn't want anything to do with me.
Hannah BHDN Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 This guy sound like a TOTAL jerk who manipulated you! HOW DARE he tell YOU who and who not to talk to! And then to tell your parents that he was trying to break up with you a YEAR ago! Why in the world didn't your parnets tell you anything? Why would he even THINK of telling your parents anything like that? Listen... this may sound a bit harsh, but it sounds like Mr Right was just using you and now he is too much of a coward (users generally ARE cowards)to admit it. Count yourself as LUCKY and having a guardian angel to watch over you! And as much as I hate to say it, there MUST have been things happening in your relationship (other than what you have already said, which would be enough right there) to indicate that this guy was not all that perfect after all! I bet almost anything (because I have been there and done that myself) that there were things that he did or said that either he or you made exuses about. If you have to make excuses fo someone, this is usually a good indication that all is not as pretty as you think it is. For example, you said that he broke up because you argued a lot, yet you say it was perfect. Something is wrong right there. DID you argue a lot? What makes an argumentive relationship a PERFECT one? It is one thing to argue over ways to get to the same place, but something entirely different to argue WHERE to go. Another thing: I would be TERRIFIED of ANYONE who does not want your FRIENDS and FAMILY to know what is REALLY going on in your life. They are there because they LOVE you and the ONLY reason someone would NOT want you to talk about problems with them is so they can convince you that THEY are RIGHT and YOU are WRONG. I am GLAD that you are away from this person... he is typical of men who are abusers! They distort reality by isolating you and then make you feel like dirt under their feet! You are so lucky that you are out of it! ANYONE who tells you NOT to talk about problems to friends and family HAS SOMETHING TO HIDE and is not doing anything to HELP you!
Alison Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 I really appreciate you taking your time out to help me. It's just so wierd how you think you know someone so well, to think they are a complete stranger. Yeah my mom said the same thing about how it was creepy. I asked him why he just didn't talk to me about our problems and he said sometimes I was too diffucult to talk to. Which was such BS. All I have to say is everyone needs to beware, people are so good at lying. He used to always tell me that communication and honesty was the most important part of a relationship. Well obviously not he sure lied a lot and didn't talk to me about how he was feeling. The only thing he ever told me was I love you so much, you mean so much to me, we are going to work this out and make it work. When I said our relationship was perfect it really was until about 14 months into it when I caught him talking to his ex from 3 years ago. That is when I couldn't trust him, but I stayed with him because I love him so much. I know that says a lot about my self esteem. I know this sounds like it would be so easy for me to get over, but its not. I have known him for 7 years and when he says stuff like you are just mad because you lost a great guy and its all your fault, that is how I really feel. I mean I don't think his "excuses" made it right. My parents said they never told me, because he made it seem like he wanted to help me and that he loved me. But he would only say Oh she is mad at me again and I dont know why. He forgot to mention that I was mad because he was talking to his ex after he made the rule that we wouldn't. I know its creepy, but he is such a good deciever, and I'm stuck in missing the kind of relationship I THOUGHT that I had. Thanks for your comments I really do appreciate them. One more thing that makes me mad, he bumps into my brother the other day and they talked for like 5 minutes, I feel so betrayed by my own brother. Sucks
Hannah BHDN Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 Oh, I KNOW how bad it sucks! I have felt so bad it felt more like my life was TORTURE more than anything thing else and I AM working RIGHT now trying to forget an old boyfriend... one I had on and off for over 10 years and even though I am married now, I sometimes miss him so bad I dont think I can stop from picking up the phone. I am not saying that I dont love my husband or that I want my X back, it is just I MISS him. Then I FORCE myself to remember the horrible things he had done to me... the horrible things he had said to me and how awful I felt and I make it another day without calling. Sometimes I can go weeks without thinking of him and then for weeks stright I think of him every day. BUT I am not going to let myself be treated that way anymore! I realized that a bum off the street would treat me with more respect than he showed me and I am FINALLY starting to realize is that before anyone else will respect me, *I* have to respect me FIRST! If I HAD respected me a bit more, then he would have NEVER even DREAMED of treating me that way! I have to work HARD EVERY DAY to make myself better and feel better about myself and I can see that once I start changing, people around me start changing. Get this book, "How to change your life in 30 days" by Rhonda Britten. I am on day 9 right now, but I noticed a HUGE change in myself in only 3 days and I feel so much better about EVERYTHING around me! I saw where my mistakes were being made and I wanted to change bad enough that I dug as deep as I could to be 100% honest with myself and found that instead of being the piece of sh*t and failure I THOUGHT I was, I was actually just living in a sort of reverse dream world where I couldn't do ANYTHING right. All I know is that I am 38 years old right now and I was 100% miserable! I made my kids the same way and all of my relationships were affected by it. In just the past few days, I have had a lot of HUGE blows dealt to me that barely even phase me. Before though, I would have been doing the "Poor helpless me" thing AND THAT IS HOW EVERYONE TREATED ME. MY husband is freaking out because for the past 3 weeks we have had a MAJOR arguement EVERY DAY, but my friends think that I have never looked happier in my life! Why? I am standing up for MYSELF! What I don't like, I speak up about! If I dont like the way you are treating me, I WILL NOT ALLOW IT. If I see an injustice, I will not think that there is nothing I can do about it, because if EVERYONE thought that way, then NOTHING would ever be right... I WILL STOP IT and not just stand by! Why should I ignore MY feelings to avoid hurting someone else's???? What is fair about that? And guess what? If *I* don't let people know what *I* want, I will most likely never get it... I don't believe that anyone is actually a MIND READER, so why should I take it for granted that they know what *I* want? Hey, I'm shaking up the neighborhood, but everone is smiling! YOU have to stand up for YOU! YOU have to stand up for what YOU believe in! And if YOU don't, then why would you expect ANYONE ELSE to? Anyway, I know how hard it is and how much it hurts and I wish I could do something to make it all go away for you, but the best I can do is help you see what you need to do to prevent this hurting more than it has to and hope that you will learn something from this.
Hannah BHDN Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 Another thing I was getting to but got sort of "all happy with myself" and forgot to mention was that when I realized that I was seeing myself in a distroted view, I realized that a LOT of people around me do the same thing! People get so wrapped up in being afraid to have their feelings hurt, that they use the excuse, I "COULDN'T" talk, tell you, do this or did that it distorts THEIR views... I mean who have you ever heard say, "I am having a hard time telling you something because I am afraid that you will twist my words around and either embarrass me or hurt my feelings"? They lie to themselves and to anyone around them by saying, "You dont understand" or "You're too hard to talk to" or "You're just not worth talking to" so they can feel better about THEIR insecurities. And don't we ALL do the same in some way or another? THe bad part about this is that they put all the blame on someone else and if that person is not confident in themselves and they hear that same thing over and over, then it BECOMES THE TRUTH ***TO THEM***. And it is the same thing I did! Instead of KNOWING that I was a good person, I BELIEVED that I was a worthless piece of sh*t and couldn't do ANYTHING right... why? because I LET SOMEONE ELSE TCONVINCE ME THAT WAS TRUE, instead of sticking to my guns and standing up for myself! Another thing I wanted to mention was that I THINK most people interchange the word MISS with LOVE. It is alright to miss someone, especially if you have been with them a long time, but why would you give your love... the most valuable thing you have to someone who would use it for their own selfish purposes? There are literally MILLIONS of people out there BEGGING for love... why would you give it to someone who treats you so terrible? Love should make BOTH people happy! Not just one of them! LOVE should make both you you the BEST YOU POSSIBLE! LOVE should empower you, not make you feel bad! When you are truly in love, everything you do, everyone you are around will feel it! This I KNOW to be a fact! My sister has been married for 39 years and they are BOTH just as happy today as they were when they got married! Their kids are happy... everyone around them is happy! They are not rich, but they are able to pay their bills with only one income and go on at LEAST one trip EVERY MONTH! Thats rich enough for me. They are the most sucessfull people I know. And it all boils down to THEY TRULY LOVE EACH OTHER AND DO ALL THAT THEY CAN TO MAKE EACH OTHER HAPPY! How CAN they fail? Sorry, I got a bit long winded again, but I am trying to show you the DIFFERENCE. Being in a "convenient" relationship will only HURT you in the long run and leave you unfulfilled, so why waste your time on one that was so hurtful?
Alison Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 I really appreciate you sharing your story. It does help to hear others that have experienced the same thing. I do have a low self esteem, but when I have a boyfriend that I care about everything just always seem to disappear. Although my self esteem is low I did always tell him how I felt about stuff. If something was bothering me that he said or did I would let him know. It is just so hard because I really did wrap my whole life around his. I go to school 2 hours away from him and I got a job where he lived well my parents too. I gave up all my friends mostly because working full time and going to school full time all my free time was for him. He would always say that in the end it would just be us two. We talked about marriage and future plans daily. It just hurts to think that he doesn't ever call after 2 years. I guess it makes it easier to move on, but I can't help but to feel like he threw me away, he just tossed me aside. I am only 21 and I realize I am young but I just wanted to be one of the lucky few who met their soulmate young. I am sad to hear that even though you are married you still think about your ex boyfriend that you were with on and off for ten years. I always fear that I am going to be that way. That even when I do see someone else, which right now I'm not ready for, but when I do that he will always be on the back of my mind. It is so hard to explain the whole relationship but I just deep down really thought that this was it. It is so strange how your life can one day seem so perfect and then the next day just seem to be out of control. I thought I had it all planned out, someone who loved me a good education and then it was just destroyed. I have been in another long term relationship before him, but it wasn't as serious as this one. I just don't understand how someone can be with someone for 2 years and I never cross his mind. He doesn't care at all. He said to me you lost a great thing, its all your fault. You were too much for me. I thought we had something to work for but there was nothing to work for. Then he called me psycho. Which hurt so bad, because he knows my secrets, he knows everything. And for him to call me that just makes no sense. I assure you I am not psycho. He said he burned all my pictures and got rid of everything in his house that I gave him. Then he started saying that I was using him for his money. It is just ridiculous. I support myself and I never asked him for help. I don't mean to ramble on, I know its over and I need to move on. I just cared so much about him and his family. He did a lot of things for me that a lot of guys just don't do. He always took me out, always bought me flowers as a surprise. Always made time for me, always usually picked me over his friends, we spend the night together whenever we were in the same city. Always open up my door, etc... and to me that is rare to find. Once again appreciate you taking your time to help me out. Thanks Do you think he will ever call or should I just expect that to be the end?
Hannah BHDN Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 If he burned all your pictures and got rid of everything in his house that you gave him... well, I think to say that it is safe NOT to wait by the phone! Alison, people are strange. You have to SEE what is going on around you. No ONE person can be EVERYTHING to you! It sounds like you became EXTREMELY dependant on him and that is VERY dangerous! You have to learn to become more dependant on yourself before you can pass that to someone else, otherwise you are almost SURELY bound for a broken heart. I was just like that with Mike, my ex boyfriend, my entire day depended on his mood. If WE had a good day, then I would have a good day. If we had a bad day, then I would have a bad day. The problem with me missing him is that THERE WAS NOTHING TO MISS when I sit back and think about it, but because I was so dependant on him for FEELING GOOD, I sort of miss being able to guage my day by HIS actions (of which I have no control over) rather than taking more responsibility for my feelings, which are much more important! Basically, I am trying to get over an addiction, not a broken heart. If I KNOW that he is no good for me and I still miss him, it is because HE was MY addiction! I do not love him anymore and I think that I was out of love with him for YEARS... actually to be a bit more specific, I was only "in love" with him maybe a total of 1 month OVER 10 YEARS!!! I stayed and I kept going back because of those few times I felt "in Love". Is this sick or what? I am a LOT older than you are, but when it boils down to feelings, we sound the same. Would you REALLY want to waste 10 YEARS of your life with the WRONG person? Mike loves me, but he does not know the MEANING of love and guess what... it is not MY job to teach him! Even if he wanted me to teach him, he has to ACT it TOWARDS me! You are doing exactly what I did... you are looking for any excuse to keep your hope alive and ignoring all the good advise that those who care about you are telling you... BECAUSE it doesn't point back to your boyfriend! EVERYONE, including him is telling you the same thing... it is OVER AND DONE WITH, yet you are refusing to see reality! What other "realities" are you ignoring? Hey, I am not trying to make you miserable or hurt you... that is the last thing I am tryng to do! But you have to realize one way or another how EASY it is to distort the truth (reality) around you to suit your purposes! You have to find YOU and be happy with yourself... everything will follow. When you are confident, happy and fun to be around, EVERYONE wants to be with you because they all want that happiness that generates from you to spread to them. It ALL starts with YOU... if you want to be in a GREAT relationship, you have to have a GREAT relationship with YOURSELF first! The only way to do that is to separate fact from fiction and look at what is going on around you without letting your FEELINGS control you. Once you can do this... see every thing in the proper perspective, THEN you can go with your feelings.... but first is making sure you have the right facts! Really, it is not so hard to do once you get the hang of it... My whole life I felt lost and now for the first time, I DONT because I am paying more attention to what is REAL around me and what illusions I have created myself based on what I felt. I just had to turn my thinking around a bit. PLEASE don't do what I have done! I lost basically my entire adult life on illusions I created myself! I dont want you to do the same
Alison Posted September 2, 2004 Posted September 2, 2004 I really appreciate you helping me. I need to take this time out to work on me. I need to be happy with myself first. And I know it. Today my ex's mom called me. This is the first time she has called me since we broke up. She called me, because she bought my mom the movie The Passion like she said she would, and wanted to let me know this way I didn't buy it. So I called her back to say thank you, and we talked about how I was doing. But I had to call my ex to get her cell phone number because I deleted her number from my phone after the break up. So when I talked to him it was an easy hi I need your moms number, he said here it is, I said thank you and we said bye. So as I was talking to her, her phone died. So she called me about 3 hours later at her house. We talked for about a half an hour. God I miss her. My mother is disabled, and she basically took me under her wing and treated me like a daughter. She was just talking about family members that I knew, about her job, about her fiance. Then she kept bringing up my ex. I said to her you know I think he hates me, he is so mean to me on the phone and the internet and everything. And she said you know when people are hurt they say things they don't mean. She said she was hoping that after all the hurt and anger goes away that we can sit down and talk about what happened, but she said that it was too soon. So anyway I said to her how can he be hurting he broke up with me. She was all like well I know he was hurt by what was going on, the fighting and everything. She said he hasn't been with anyone since me. I just thought I would tell you this, I think it is nice of her to do this, but also kind of strange. She said it was a Christmas present to my mom. She said to me I wish the best for you. I am planning on going over on friday night to pick up the movie she bought my mom and to drop off the rest of the items I have of my ex's. I am trying so hard not to read into this. I think she called me on her own, and that it had nothing to do with my ex. If that was the case then he would have talked to me on the phone or something. This friday will be so hard for me, I have to go over there and act like I am totally okay with everything, and she is probably going to want me to stay for a while and talk to her. I just miss her so much, my mother doesn't have much longer to live and she said to me that she would always be there for me. Once again this is not allowing me to get over everything as fast.
Hannah BHDN Posted September 2, 2004 Posted September 2, 2004 That IS rough! I don't think *I* would be able to be strong in a situation like that... as a matter of fact I know I wouldn't be able to do it. I would probably try my best to avoid her, but I know it wouldn't happen. I truly feel for you! I am a bit distracted right now. I live in Florida and Hurricane Frances is expected to go anywhere between 30 and 60 miles from me. I mention this because I may not be able to reply as I would like to... I have a LOT of work to do and we are expecting to be out of power Friday night and I live in Hillybillyville... in a town of only about 600 people, with the nearest large city of only 20K over 20 miles away. Pray for us will you?
Alison Posted September 2, 2004 Posted September 2, 2004 I will pray that the hurricane doesn't do any damage. What a scary thing. Hopefully you won't lose electricity. I will definately keep you updated after friday about the whole mom situation. Good luck with the weather.
Alison Posted September 8, 2004 Posted September 8, 2004 I just thought I would write in what happened when I went to my ex's house to pick up the movie his mother bought my mother. So I went over to his house, and his mom was cleaning out the garage, so she pulled out all of their cars. So I knew my ex was home, because both of his cars were there. She brings me inside and he was in his room in the basement the whole time I was there. Didn't come up at all. And I know for a fact he was home. She wanted me to sit down and have a drink with her and I told her I had to go. So I gave her his stuff back she gave me the movie, I gave her a thank you card, a hug, we had small chat and I left. I am glad I didn't see him, but I am just hurt that he didn't even come upstairs when he knew I was there. Alison
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