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So are coworker relationships as bad as they say?

Lellewyn

By Lellewyn
in Business and Professional Relationships

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Lellewyn Member

Lellewyn

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My shift manager and I have been flirting here and there, he's about 6 years older than me, but he's AMAZING. I'm not just saying that either! He is genuinely awesome. I'd be thrilled to gO out with him, but all of friemds keep telling me it's a terrible idea because we work together. But honestly we are both pretty professional and I really don't think it would be a problem. But I've never dated a coworker. Any advice?

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CC12 Established Member

CC12

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What kind of job is it? Is it like a career-type job or a part-time retail job?

OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

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Oh, it's wonderful when you're going out with him. But it's 10x as terrible when you guys break up. You can't get away from him!! - you have to face him EVERY. DAY. Or get another job somewhere else.

 

Not to mention the cringing embarrassment of having to work with everyone else in the office, all of whom have witnessed (whether they wanted to or not) the unfolding, carrying-on, and subsequent demise of your office romance.

 

I have never seen this situation have anything but a negative effect on the woman's professional reputation. Guys don't usually suffer the same kind of fallout. Totally unfair, but unfortunately still true.

 

It's too bad it works like that, because the workplace is a natural (and fertile!) breeding ground for connecting with people you have things in common with. Plus the bonding that goes on when you "fight a war" together side-by-side.

 

I won't outright advise you not to do it, because I understand it oh so well and have been there myself, more times than I care to count. Just giving you some things to think about.

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Lellewyn Member

Lellewyn

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Well its not an office job, it's food service. What I mean by professional is we don't bring our personal stuff out in the open. Most of my other coworkers are pretty uncaring of who is dating who. I will be leaving the business in less than a year and I only work with him 2 days a week. I don't know if this changes anything, but my situation seems a bit more casual than the office romance so I wasn't sure if it differed or not.

Survivor12 Established Member

Survivor12

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Having worked in the hospitality industry, I have witnessed first hand how negatively relationships between employees can affect the workplace. Restaurants and bars are inherently rife with competition and tension.

 

The fact that he is your "superior" can have more repercussions than if he were simply a co-worker. The suspicion of favoritism, distraction from work and other impropriety by other workers as well as management is likely to develop despite how professional you attempt to be.

 

As I see it, there are two questions yet to be answered: Has he mentioned going out with you? and Are you both willing to lose or leave your jobs if things don't work out?

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Got it Established Member

Got it

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What is your company's policy on supervisor subordinate relationships?

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Lellewyn Member

Lellewyn

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My work place says it's fine the manual they gave us states that as long as it doesn't effect work, its ok. As far as asking me out, he hasn't been direct about it or anything. But then again I've only been working there for a month so no one at work knows I'm single and it's never come up in conversation. (Which is hard to do without being direct) either way I was asking as more of a precaution. I'm not trying to progress it necessarily, mostly getting advice as to whether or not if he asks me would it be ok or worth the risk to accept. :/ I'm too shy and old fashioned to ask him out anyway. XD

Krytie TV Established Member

Krytie TV

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I married a supervisor and life is wonderful. Depends on how willing you are to take a chance on happiness. With every risk comes the potential of great reward.

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Lellewyn Member

Lellewyn

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That does give me a bit of hope! XD He's a really cool guy, he tries to make everyone around him happy. He really makes me happy either way. It's kinda cute cause one day he came up to me and said "What are you doing later tonight?" and all our coworkers all looked up like they were shocked (He's outgoing and kind of loud, I'm a bit more quiet and shy.) he quickly covered with a "Cause I was gunna keep you on longer." then today I asked him what he was doing next Sat. And he froze up for just a second before I followed with "I read the schedule, and it said your not working like always?" (All our schedules are printed on one sheet and everyone pretty much hates our gm so I'd much rather work with my shift manager even if I didn't have a big crush on him.) We talk about ourselves a lot around each other and I've noticed he smiles and laughs at my jokes more than he does with anyone else.

 

I've always found though that even the most outgoing guys can be shy about asking someone out. It's pretty nerve wrecking and no one likes rejection.. Is there anything I could maybe do to let him know I wouldn't reject him if he asked? I'll be completely honest, i've been asked out, but never had a bf. I've never tried to go out with a guy this much older than me either. He could be very cautious, I know he's had gfs before and he seems slightly more immature than you'd expect, but enough to fit his age and be very responsible.

Radu Established Member

Radu

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If it's a part-time thing that will not affect your career, go for it.

Take into account how much you need the money as well.

If it's a career thing, i don't advise you to do it [in the future].

 

You could also learn from this how to keep your relationship a secret.

 

I married a supervisor and life is wonderful. Depends on how willing you are to take a chance on happiness. With every risk comes the potential of great reward.

 

Ohhh, good material for future jokes on who's the boss. :)

On a more serious side, who asked who out ?

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Lellewyn Member

Lellewyn

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Thanks so very much for the help everyone! I really wish I knew what to do exactly. :/ I'm not the creepy stalker obsessive type so I don't stalk him or be creepy. I haven't found a good enough excuse to get his number, of course he has mine because he's my boss, but I figured he might not want to seem creepy back. Also it's a little early still and I know I need to be patient.. I just wish there was something I could do to help it a long you know?

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Sugarkane Established Member

Sugarkane

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If in the possibility you could breakup, would he screw you over and give you no work?

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Krytie TV Established Member

Krytie TV

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Ohhh, good material for future jokes on who's the boss. :)

On a more serious side, who asked who out ?

 

I chased her for a year. Not like a stalker, but as a patient person of interest.

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ASG Established Member

ASG

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I've never had an office romance, but when I used to work in a TV station a LOT of my coworkers paired up. And I mean A LOT!

Mostly from different departments, but we all worked in the same floor (it was a small tv station). I've left there 5 years ago and as far as I know, they're all still together, hapilly married and with children.

 

So sure, it might end badly and be an additional cause of pain. But it might not end at all and be wornderful.

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Mint Sauce Established Member

Mint Sauce

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I've been in one for 5 years. Fantastic while it lasted. Not so nice when she left me for another co-worker. It made it me unproductive at work for more than half a year. Fortunately I didn't loose my job over it. Would I do it again? Yes, a job is just a job, even in academia.

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Lellewyn Member

Lellewyn

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@sugarkane- honestly I don't think so. He's super super nice even to people he doesn't like (we have a common dislike for one particular coworker) and he's a really great person, I'm definitely not so into him I see him as flawless or anything, he has his quirks like I do, but otherwise he's really cool and laid back, and he's very kind. He will go out of his way to make your day and make everyone as happy as he can. That's one of the biggest reasons I like him, he makes me really happy to be around him.

 

@Mint Sauce I'm sorry that happened to you :( I currently won't have to worry about that because I am the only single girl at work atm.. But he is not the only single guy, but the only one I fancy. :) I have total distaste for cheating and I have a tendency to be very monogamous and completely unable to be interested in anyone else while I'm crushing on someone. The thought of cheating actually makes me almost physically sick due to someone I knew my entire life committing suicide when his wife cheated on him. So I don't think we'll ever have too much of a problem with either of us leaving the other for another coworker.

Edited by Lellewyn
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Lellewyn Member

Lellewyn

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@Juicez I do learn from others mistakes just as well as others accomplishments. Really if it does go bad, it's a little part time job I'm doing for extra spending money to make my folks shut up. So if I quit, it's not going to hurt me really at all. I mean sure we could break up. Then we'd be broken up. That's really the worst of it. We only work with each other two days a week. And I seriously don't think it will be a problem. I'm not even staying an entire year there, by this coming December I'll be preparing to move to another city for a 4 year college.

  • 2 weeks later...
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Lellewyn Member

Lellewyn

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Thanks everyone for the advice! I'm positively confused. Recently I attempted to not bother to flirt or even appear to have any real attraction for him. I was getting such mixed singles it was stressing me out... So I "gave up" so to speak and he instantly seemed to notice. He would constantly show up around me, speak to me, and just sorta follow me around. At first I didn't think much about it but he got on to me and I pretended to take offense and as I was working (Stocking the food stations, etc) we were the only two people up front and I didn't speak to him and he seemed legitamately upset, he started doing little things to try to make me laugh and kept trying to make me look at him or smile. He said stuff like, "I kept you up here cause you balance me out" and ge kept making me look at him and asking me what was wrong... He's such a nice guy I don't know if he thought I was just upset and wanted to comfort me, or if there's something else? The next day he taught me how to work the slicer (It required a lot of him and me alone time. Maybe on purpose?) and he kept constantly showing up where I was and saying he forgot what he was doing back there, and he'd start conversations with me. It's really hard to tell if he's just a really nice manager (he's an awesome manager, not just saying that, he's everyone's favorite.) I thought he was just being nice but I suck at figuring this kind of thing out, if he does like me, what do I do? I'm too shy to ask him out, and I'm a bit old school about it too. Either way I'm still unsure. I mean we could go out witjout much problem, if there was one, it won't mess me up to quit this job if need be. How do I make it work? How do I know for sure?

Survivor12 Established Member

Survivor12

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You know for sure when he asks you out.

 

Here's the thing...it sounds as though you've given him enough reason to believe that you are interested and he's had plenty of opportunities to make a move, but he hasn't. Regardless of his reason, he has one. A girlfriend, perhaps?

 

As for his friendliness at work...you did mention in an earlier post that you are the only female employee. He may simply enjoy the attention.

 

I suggest that you just be yourself, do your job, enjoy the attention and don't play games (pretending to take offense is a game). I wouldn't advise asking him out until you are ready to leave your job. Being turned down could make things awkward for both of you.

Edited by Survivor12
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Forever Learning Established Member

Forever Learning

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My shift manager and I have been flirting here and there, he's about 6 years older than me, but he's AMAZING. I'm not just saying that either! He is genuinely awesome. I'd be thrilled to gO out with him, but all of friemds keep telling me it's a terrible idea because we work together. But honestly we are both pretty professional and I really don't think it would be a problem. But I've never dated a coworker. Any advice?

 

Go for it and report back. You only live once. :D I'm sure you will learn alot from this experience. Could turn out great! Could be a disaster. Go for it. You can't lose either way, only lots to learn. Good luck. :)

Eddie Edirol Established Member

Eddie Edirol

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The only problem I see with you pulling away from him like that is he is your supervisor, and if he naturally does things to make people happy at work, he could be trying to do that for you, because youre coming off like he upset you somehow. Trying to get his attention like this is immature and wrong, as he still has a job to do to make sure his workers stay productive and happy. This is one of the reasons not to play games at work.

 

So if you like him, say something and prepare to deal with the rejection. Otherwise, dont change your normal behavior just to make him notice you, or earn your attention.

FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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So if you like him, say something and prepare to deal with the rejection.

 

How would you feel if he rejected you? Would you immediately quit? Could you handle the gossip?

MCKDZ New Member

MCKDZ

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To OP, I'm pretty much fresh on dating a co-worker, and so far everything is going to plan.

 

All I can say from my current experience, is its VERY hard to resist temptation if you go that development stage. I just want to grab her and hold her for ages, and she does too... We are both in career-driven full time jobs, so we are running a high risk...

 

Just go for it, mate. Sounds like you're into him, unless you have other options outside of work?

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Find another job or ask for a transfer, then ask him out.

 

He is your shift manager which means he is in a position of power - Not good for you.. Let's say you two start dating.. You've got office gossip automatically AND you'll be faced with the complaining of others how 'she gets special treatment' because of who you're dating. This guy more than likely isn't allowed to date employees. He isn't a just a casual co worker, he's management.

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Nyla Established Member

Nyla

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Oh, it's wonderful when you're going out with him. But it's 10x as terrible when you guys break up. You can't get away from him!! - you have to face him EVERY. DAY. Or get another job somewhere else.

 

Not to mention the cringing embarrassment of having to work with everyone else in the office, all of whom have witnessed (whether they wanted to or not) the unfolding, carrying-on, and subsequent demise of your office romance.

 

I have never seen this situation have anything but a negative effect on the woman's professional reputation. Guys don't usually suffer the same kind of fallout. Totally unfair, but unfortunately still true.

 

It's too bad it works like that, because the workplace is a natural (and fertile!) breeding ground for connecting with people you have things in common with. Plus the bonding that goes on when you "fight a war" together side-by-side.

 

I won't outright advise you not to do it, because I understand it oh so well and have been there myself, more times than I care to count. Just giving you some things to think about.

 

 

Yup. Been there, done that. Never again if I was single.

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