k.r.u Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 This is my first post. I never thought I would come to a place like this but I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest and had no where else to turn. 6 years ago in my second year of high school, I met a girl. We became friends. I developed feelings for her. I spent months trying to coax her out of the shell that she had never left before. Eventually I was successful. We spent the next 4-5 years in this weird, on and off relationship that usually culminated in spending a couple of months apart, seeing what else was out there, and being drawn back to each other for a passionate, much needed reunion. This inconsistency in our relationship was due to many things. Insecurities on her part, stupid mistakes on my part, etc. Things finally got incredibly serious after I made the decision to join the military. But I was still distant from her even while still at home and it killed her. Deep down I had reservations about a long distance relationship ever being able to work. The day I left I promised myself I would never let her go. She was the girl you always hear about, but never actually meet. She was beautiful. She was brilliant. She was talented. She was hilarious. She was compassionate. After going through months of training my fears came true. The long distance thing was not working for me. I had trouble keeping contact with her regularly and to her this was a sign of unrequited love on her part. I assured her time and time again this was not the case. More time went on and I finally started to realize at this point in my early life, a relationship was not right for me. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to pursue my career without anything holding me back. I wanted to meet different women, sleep with different women and date different women. I ended our relationship at the end of June, of last year. I had a blast afterwards. A couple of months after we separated, she met someone else. She became truly happy with him somewhere down the line, but I didn't care. We lived in different places, we had different friends, and totally different futures. All of this set aside, she was my high school sweetheart. We maintained a friendship just for the sake of never wanting to lose touch. Both recognizing how special the other was as an individual. Eventually the excitement of my new lifestyle died off and I entered a perpetual state of emotional highs and lows. That was when I started thinking about her again. She was happy. He was happy. He treated her like a princess. I didn't. I acknowledged this and promised her I would never do anything to interfere with that. I believed it too. Everything happens for a reason, and a relationship that didn't work out once (or twice...or three times...or four times....you get the point) is doomed to fail if repeated. A few days ago she contacted me to tell me that out of respect for her and her significant other, she does not want to be in contact with me anymore. She removed me from facebook as well. I took this as a sign that things are really heating up between them. Which makes perfect sense to me. But, when I was the one who broke her heart (more than once, probably) and cut off our relationship after she had invested so much of her life into it, why do I feel so shattered? Why do I feel such remorse for my decisions and why do I feel like I will never love again? It has been more than 6 months since the breakup and I do not understand why these feelings are surfacing now. Especially in regards to a relationship I KNOW will never work...
Fallen Petals Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 No one wants to completely sever the tie to their first love. You will always love her, a piece of you now belongs to her just as a piece of her belongs to you. Some people gain pieces of our hearts automatically - certain family members and such, while others earn it. We freely give it to them at some point. Your first love is one of the first times you give it willingly, even if it's not always on a conscious level. Her cutting ties with you to prove her loyalty is a clear indication that she's moved forward and given another piece away. We only have so many pieces to give, so when it happens for real, it's generally a big deal, not only to us but to others who can see that it's happened. It is a big deal to you because even though you rationalize the relationship will never work, you still felt that somewhere down the road you two might find one another again and perhaps have grown enough to make it work this time. At least...that's my best guess... You likely also never really took the time to mourn the loss of the love you had - because until now, you didn't think you'd really lost it. Likely you haven't "lost" her love, it's just changed into something more manageable for her now given the relationship she's in.
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