Do many women have inflated views on their Attractiveness?

[jcrew11]

I haven't read all the responses, because there is only so much eye-rolling I can take before my eyes start to hurt.

 

The question isn't whether a lot of women have inflated views of their attractiveness. The question is why it offends you so much.

 

I am a 40-something mom with a few extra pounds on me, and I go around feeling great about myself even though none of you would notice me or deem me attractive. I don't go around feeling like hot stuff to impress other people - I do it because it makes me feel good. I like myself and I have learned to focus on the parts of me that I love, and just ignore the parts I don't, since it is out of my control that some parts of me don't look as great as they did in my 20s.

 

So - if a woman feels more attractive than she is to the majority of men, WHY is it so offensive? Is is because YOU can't get a woman so it is offensive that the less-hot women are going after the hot guys? Is it because you feel like crap about yourself, so it offends you that women at or below your "level" of attractiveness don't feel like crap about themselves? Is it because it is easier to judge strangers - "Who does she think she is anyway!?" than it is to work on your own issues and fix your own life?

 

I don't get it. If you aren't attracted to someone, don't date them. Period. How she feels about herself doesn't matter.

 

Personally, I feel every person has something to offer, and I would love to live in a world where we ALL go around feeling great about ourselves.

 

Its about having and inflated ego AND having unrealistic dating expectations in terms of "low quality men" and "high quality men"

 

People think 7's have to date 7's but what if she really is a 5.

 

But she's still complaining there are no good men to date and that no quality man wants her.

 

And why is a woman's self esteem tied to her looks? Why can't she feel good about herself because she is Smart and has a good personality? Its a circular firing squad for women to constantly judge each other based on their looks.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Yes, I see what you are saying. But at the end of the day, we all have to ask whether our beliefs are serving our best interest or not.

 

What does someone gain by sitting at home being angry at women? Especially when they talk non-stop about how much they want a woman in their lives?

 

If someone has been rejected by EVERY WOMAN they've ever liked, the common denominator is them. It means that something is wrong with THEM, since ugly, bald, small-penised, short men get married and have kids and live happy lives all the time.

 

So it has to be THEM. And the only person with the power to change that is THEM. Look at our friend Wholigan and how he has changed his life around with just pure stick-to-it-ive-ness.

 

It does nothing for someone to just refuse to change and blame society for one's own shortcomings.

 

The 'improving yourself for women' angle has a major flaw though.

 

It just feeds into the whole rat-race philosophy of getting the best you can get. So, if you improve yourself and are still getting rejected, well, you'll be even MORE bitter.

 

The last time I faced a crushing rejection from a woman I had feelings for (a while ago), I went nuts. I started working out like crazy, took drastic steps to improve my career situation, and asked out as many women as I could. It made me even madder and even angrier at the woman who rejected me.

 

If only I could have said to myself, "Well, she wants someone better. That's OK. At least I have my health, a normal life without handicaps or disfigurement, and people who love me."

 

The key is to be content with what you have. Grateful..Somehow, someway. It's really a tough hurdle, but when/if you get there, it will be worth it.

Edited February 15, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember

[ltjg45]

It does nothing for someone to just refuse to change and blame society for one's own shortcomings.

 

I'm sure merely changing is not going to be enough.

 

If no one's attracted to you for whatever reason, you lost the game long before it has started. You just have to wait for many years before you realize that very truth.

[pteromom]

Its about having and inflated ego AND having unrealistic dating expectations in terms of "low quality men" and "high quality men"

 

People think 7's have to date 7's but what if she really is a 5.

 

But she's still complaining there are no good men to date and that no quality man wants her.

 

And why is a woman's self esteem tied to her looks? Why can't she feel good about herself because she is Smart and has a good personality? Its a circular firing squad for women to constantly judge each other based on their looks.

 

Self-esteem is tied to our looks because looks are valued in our society. Of course, a healthy balanced person will also feel good about her talents, intelligence, humor, etc.

 

When I describe a "quality man", I am not talking about looks at all. I would be talking about someone with integrity who is compatible with me. Someone who has similar life goals. Someone who is ready for a commitment. Someone who is generally optimistic and mentally stable. And it's HARD to find - not just for women, but for men as well.

 

So again, if a woman has an inflated ego AND unrealistic dating expectations, why is that so offensive? Is it because she wouldn't date YOU (general you, not you specifically, jcrew) and she isn't even that hot?

 

So it all comes back to your feelings about yourself.

[PJKino]

 

So again, if a woman has an inflated ego AND unrealistic dating expectations, why is that so offensive? Is it because she wouldn't date YOU (general you, not you specifically, jcrew) and she isn't even that hot?

 

 

No i think his point is its the average looking women who he would be willing to date are the ones withn a over inflated ego so he cant even get a women on his own attratcivness level whos average like him becasue of it

[pteromom]

The 'improving yourself for women' angle has a major flaw though.

 

It just feeds into the whole rat-race philosophy of getting the best you can get. So, if you improve yourself and are still getting rejected, well, you'll be even MORE bitter.

 

The last time I faced a crushing rejection from a woman I had feelings for (a while ago), I went nuts. I started working out like crazy, took drastic steps to improve my career situation, and asked out as many women as I could. It made me even madder and even angrier at the woman who rejected me.

 

If only I could have said to myself, "Well, she wants someone better. That's OK. At least I have my health, a normal life without handicaps or disfigurement, and people who love me."

 

The key is to be content with what you have. Grateful..Somehow, someway. It's really a tough hurdle, but when/if you get there, it will be worth it.

 

I do agree that you have to be grateful for what you have before more will flow into your life.

 

But you also can't change for women. You have to change for yourself. You have to look at life as a learning experience and opportunity for growth. It's not about finding someone - it's about making your life the best it can be. Your happiness can NEVER depend on what someone else does. It has to come from within you.

 

The flaw in what YOU said here is in your example about being grateful despite being rejected, you say "she wants someone better". Not true at all. There is nobody better than you, and you have to believe that. "She wants something different" would be more accurate. Because SHE is also a flawed creature with her own issues, insecurities, and perspective based on her own life experience. You simply never know why someone rejects you. It could be something as simple as you have the same shape lips as her brother and that freaks her out. Or you called her "girl" and her father used to call her "girl" when he beat her. It's in your best interest to assume that her rejection comes from within HER and has NOTHING to do with something lacking on your part.

 

But of course - don't let the belief that you are awesome enough as you are cause you to become complacent in your life. Never stop growing.

[Anela]

I dont buy that all women are highly insecure i think sometimes when a women is being self depricating about herself she is fishing for compliments

 

 

It's always been about insecurity, for me. There are people who really don't see what's so attractive about themselves. I'm still shocked when people say nice things about me, after having been bullied, and the crap I've been dealing with over the past few years. And how do some of us get that insecure? We're told, repeatedly, that we aren't good enough, because we aren't supermodels.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

The flaw in what YOU said here is in your example about being grateful despite being rejected, you say "she wants someone better". Not true at all. There is nobody better than you, and you have to believe that. "She wants something different" would be more accurate. Because SHE is also a flawed creature with her own issues, insecurities, and perspective based on her own life experience. You simply never know why someone rejects you. It could be something as simple as you have the same shape lips as her brother and that freaks her out. Or you called her "girl" and her father used to call her "girl" when he beat her. It's in your best interest to assume that her rejection comes from within HER and has NOTHING to do with something lacking on your part.

 

But of course - don't let the belief that you are awesome enough as you are cause you to become complacent in your life. Never stop growing.

 

No. I could never buy the 'non-compatibility' angle. I tried. Because the women who rejected me, I would always see the guys they WOULD end up dating. And I believe these other bitter guys are the same. You can't fool your eyes.

 

Also, the problem I have with the 'thinking you're awesome' angle is that you think you are above others, better looking than others, and etc, etc.

 

I prefer the philosophy of "I'm OK, and I want to work hard to accomplish stuff, just because I want to."

 

Kind of like the "I'm grateful for what God has give me" attitude that religious zealots have. It effectively takes you out of life's rat race.

[Anela]

Its about having and inflated ego AND having unrealistic dating expectations in terms of "low quality men" and "high quality men"

 

People think 7's have to date 7's but what if she really is a 5.

 

But she's still complaining there are no good men to date and that no quality man wants her.

 

And why is a woman's self esteem tied to her looks? Why can't she feel good about herself because she is Smart and has a good personality? Its a circular firing squad for women to constantly judge each other based on their looks.

 

And what really gets to me, is that there are men here who think that "average" women should just accept their lot in life, and not get the man or relationship that they wish for. Whereas you guys think you deserve the very best - whatever your version of that is. We're supposed to take whatever we can get.

 

I know what I'm attracted to, and it isn't the guy who is three years younger than me, who thinks he's some sort of spiritual guru, polyamorous, and has had at least two drug overdoses. The one good thing he has done for me, by knowing him, is seeing the way he keeps himself in that vicious circle, whereas I've been trying to get out of my own.

[pteromom]

No i think his point is its the average looking women who he would be willing to date are the ones withn a over inflated ego so he cant even get a women on his own attratcivness level whos average like him becasue of it

 

Ok.

 

I don't think that's why though. I think it is a cop-out to say "I would date just about anyone who is a 5, but they all have over-inflated egos and want to date 8s and 9s!"

 

But even if that's true, what does it do for you to stew on it? If you (general you, not you PJKino ) truly believe that is a FACT, then... it's the way it is. You aren't going to change society or women.

 

Women who won't accept anyone on their own "level" are either gonna be alone a long time, or maybe they'll get lucky.

 

All you can control is that which is in your control. You can control your own attitudes and behaviors. You can control your own body shape. You can control how you dress and how you wear your hair. What shoes you buy. You can control what you focus on. You can improve how you feel about yourself. You can focus on making your life as good as it can be.

 

Will the women then flock to you? I dunno. Maybe. Maybe not. But your goal can't be trying to control what other people do, because that's a losing game.

 

The goal has to be making your life as good as it can be, with or without a partner. And if having a partner is an important goal, you have to MAXIMIZE your opportunities by putting yourself out there as much as possible. Sitting in front of a computer complaining about women rejecting you is the exact opposite of what you should be doing.

[pteromom]

No. I could never buy the 'non-compatibility' angle. I tried. Because the women who rejected me, I would always see the guys they WOULD end up dating. And I believe these other bitter guys are the same. You can't fool your eyes.

 

You only see what you see. You don't see what's in a girl's head or what it is about this other guy that she liked. Just as her rejection of you could be something only she would know, her acceptance of him could be something minor - when she tripped on the rug, she liked the way his eyes sparkle. He called her darling and it melted her heart. He said he loves World of Warcraft and she plays it every night. You never know someone else's triggers. That's why you have to just be yourself so you will be open to connecting with someone who would trigger for you.

 

Also, the problem I have with the 'thinking you're awesome' angle is that you think you are above others, better looking than others, and etc, etc.

 

Not at all. I think I am awesome. And you know what? I think you are awesome too. I think we are different. There are some things I am better at than you. There are some things you are better at than me. Neither of us is better than the other.

 

I absolutely love myself. I think I am cute. I think I am HILARIOUS. And smart. And wise. And a great mom. And talented.

 

It has nothing to do with anyone else. I have no need to be "better" than someone else. Some people will connect with me and "get" me. Some people will think I am ugly, old, and fat, and not worth their time. Some people will think I am wacky and weird. Doesn't matter to me at all, and I don't think "less" of anyone, even though I think people in general make some pretty dumb choices sometimes.

 

When you have true confidence in yourself, it becomes unnecessary to compare yourself to other people at all. So no, you do not walk around feeling better than anyone.

 

I prefer the philosophy of "I'm OK, and I want to work hard to accomplish stuff, just because I want to."

 

Kind of like the "I'm grateful for what God has give me" attitude that religious zealots have. It effectively takes you out of life's rat race.

 

If it works for you, great. But it still concerns me that you would describe another guy as "better" than you simply because a girl chose him over you. He isn't better than you. Even if you deem yourself a 5 and deem him a 7, he still isn't better than you. Maybe he can't even SPELL the word philosophy, much less use it in a sentence.

[pteromom]

This reminds me of my W's old roommate. She swore up and down that she would never marry anybody who wouldn't put a $15K ring on her finger.

 

I laughed right in her face and told her that she was out of her mind.

 

Aww, that's just immaturity talking. She hadn't had enough life experience to learn what's important. That's a "pat your wittle head and wish you the best" comment.

[Lonely Ronin]

It's always been about insecurity, for me. There are people who really don't see what's so attractive about themselves. I'm still shocked when people say nice things about me, after having been bullied, and the crap I've been dealing with over the past few years. And how do some of us get that insecure? We're told, repeatedly, that we aren't good enough, because we aren't supermodels.

 

I'm a guy and I'm the same way at times. It might knock me down for a little while, but I always get up brush my self off, and keep moving forward.

[Lonely Ronin]

Women who won't accept anyone on their own "level" are either gonna be alone a long time, or maybe they'll get lucky.

 

The other thing worth noting, is how man women has said they actually date down.

[pteromom]

The other thing worth noting, is how man women has said they actually date down.

 

How is this worth noting?

 

How does it affect YOU that many women have said this?

[pteromom]

Haha, yep...I had zero filter back then. I remember her coming home from the bar one night wearing a see-thru leopard print button-up shirt with a tube top and hot pants (she was about 20lbs over the limit for that outfit). She said, 'Hey guys, what's up!', and the only thing I could get out of my mouth was, 'You didn't actually wear that in public, did you?'.

 

Now, at this point in my life, I would just inoccuously puke in my mouth and not say a word.

 

That's a step in the right direction. Because maybe she felt really good about herself in that outfit. Maybe some other guys had even complimented her in it.

 

Instead of puking in your mouth, now you just need to work on not caring what other people do if it doesn't affect you. A girl is wearing an unflattering outfit? Whatever works for her. You go girl.

[Lonely Ronin]

How is this worth noting?

 

How does it affect YOU that many women have said this?

 

it doesn't effect me personally at all, as I do fine with women.

 

What is does do is obliterate the women only date up view point. Many women on LS have said they date guys at their level or below. IRL I see this as well. I can't remember the last time I saw a couple and thought the guys was much better looking than the woman. I think this adds a lot of weight to the it's "you" line of thinking.

[pteromom]

it doesn't effect me personally at all, as I do fine with women.

 

What is does do is obliterate the women only date up view point. Many women on LS have said they date guys at their level or below. IRL I see this as well.

 

Yeah... I don't believe women only date "up". Actually there are a lot of women who don't realize they are incredible and end up dating WAY WAY WAY below where they "should" be.

 

(And vice-versa... there are nice guys who settle for women who treat them like crap because they don't think they could do better.)

[Ruby Slippers]

There have been times in my life when I felt unattractive. There have been times when I felt very attractive.

 

Now, I try not to worry about it too much. I do my best with what I have, and accept that some men will find me attractive, and some won't.

[Lonely Ronin]

Yeah... I don't believe women only date "up". Actually there are a lot of women who don't realize they are incredible and end up dating WAY WAY WAY below where they "should" be.

 

I know a woman at work like this, she is smart, funny and stupefyingly beautiful. Her Fiance on the other hand seems as dumb as a bag of rocks, always looks like he hasn't shaved in a week, and just woke up.

 

Every time I see them out around town neither one looks really happy. It's a real WTF head scratcher.

[Woggle]

I had a casual relationship with one who is seriously the most annoying person I have ever met in my life. She was the human version of nails on a chalkboard but from most women I have known I don't find this to be true. Still I don't care how good she looked I wanted to stab my ear drums after a few minutes with her.

[JuneJulySeptember]

The other thing worth noting, is how man women has said they actually date down.

 

See. That's not a good thing either though.

 

I have never dated down. I have never dated up. Some of the women I have dated may have thought they were dating down with me, in which case I'm glad I'm no longer dating them.

 

I realize I've done just as much as anybody to reinforce the dating down and leagues philospophies the world espouses, but I'm trying to change that.

[Lonely Ronin]

See. That's not a good thing either though.

 

I have never dated down. I have never dated up. Some of the women I have dated may have thought they were dating down with me, in which case I'm glad I'm no longer dating them.

 

I realize I've done just as much as anybody to reinforce the dating down and leagues philospophies the world espouses, but I'm trying to change that.

 

people just need to stop over analyzing it. If you are happy, and she is happy, that's all that should matter.

[carhill]

Do many women have inflated views on their Attractiveness?

 

IME, over the decades, no. The few exceptions I've personally experienced have also demonstrated either psychological disorders or substance abuse issues.

 

I would say many women have demonstrated overt confidence in their ability to attract a man. We often see this demonstrated by the blanket statement of 'I have no problem dating/getting a man/having relationships/being married'.

 

Another factor to consider, relevant to 'inflated', is that every time one focuses attention on another's 'attractiveness', whether by word or action, that attractiveness is identified and validated. In essence, over time, experiencing multiple/repetitive iterations can 'train' the psyche, if the person's psyche is susceptible. In the rarified world of celebrity, that can be known as 'believing one's own press'. Some people are more susceptible to such words/actions than others. Everyone is different.

[JuneJulySeptember]

people just need to stop over analyzing it. If you are happy, and she is happy, that's all that should matter.

 

Right. And somebody who doesn't overanalyze just dated based on happiness would never worry about societal standards such as dating up and dating down, right?