Love4Pain Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Hi everyone, I'm brand new here and I really need to get this off my chest, I'm hurting a lot from my break up with my Long distance bf. This is long, sorry, but I'm telling what happened up to our break up I am 26 and live in the U.S and my ex is 25 and lives in England. I met my ex online through our mutual online community in June of 2012, we started talking and became friends almost right away, talking practically every day with emails and then eventually skype. In October 2012 he told me that he loved me and two weeks later I said it back to him (I had growing feelings for him before that but I didn't want to start a long distance because I know how hard that can be) So we did end up starting a long distance relationship. We continued to talk daily pretty much, we really enjoyed each other's company and I really believed that we loved each other, I never felt that strongly about any of my previous bf's. He had/has a couple work friends but only hung out with them here and there, usually he was home talking to me which was great but I never prevented him from hanging out anyone, who does that? By the way he is very flirty and always flirts with people, and I am ok with that as long as it's not overboard or crosses any lines. Things were going well up until the end of December. The Sunday before Christmas he said he was going to the movies with some of his work friends, which happen to be 17 years old and 19. The 19 year old at the time was his best work friend. I don't know if I need to mention that she only likes girls so even though she is 19, young, I don't need to worry about anything shady going on. After the movie he was planning on coming back home to spend time with me, which was fine. Well after the movie it ended up being late and him and the 17 year old ended up sleeping over. I was and still am uncomfortable with the idea of an adult male sleeping over with females so young, and I told him I'd really like it if he could manage to take the bus back home and how sleeping over made me feel odd. Well he said that there wasn't anything wrong with sleeping over friends houses....sounds like a red flag since he never mentioned that to me before, but I am across the ocean, what could I do? Later on I found out he fell asleep on the same couch as that 17 year old but I tried to be level headed about it and didn't say anything. After that we spent Christmas eve and Christmas talking on skype all day, and it was really nice, we even ate our Christmas dinners together over video. Since there is a 5 hour time difference I feel bad when he stays up really late to talk to me so I'm always telling him to go to bed and what not, because I don't want him to be super tired in the morning and such. Well the day after Christmas as soon as I got home from work, he actually got in bed right when I got home, and normally he playfully fights me a bit when I tell him to go to sleep but that's after a few hours of talking or doing stuff together. I was a little sad because he never went to bed right away like that, but I let it go. Thursday while we were talking over messages he told me that he had A) bought the 17 year old a phone charger as a "christmas present", and dropped it off at her house and B) Was going to sleep over there with his 19 year old friend after work. Now, I had told him last time that sleep overs made me uncomfortable but that I trusted him that he wouldn't do anything. We skyped on the phone for a little bit while he was over there but the mood wasn't so great...we were playing a game over xbox and the whole time it was just about the two of them killing each other in the game and he didn't really talk to me during the game. The next day I told him I was a little sad because most of the night he was just messing around with that girl in the game and it wasn't really fun for me or the 19 year. On Friday of the same week at work he told me that he was sleeping over Again, but at the 19year olds house and some people from work were going. I found out after that the 17 year old was there sleeping over also...He didn't message me the whole night that he was there and the next day while we were messaging he told me that his life was going to be busy with working extra days and hanging out with friends and I would have to deal with it...which upset me because all I said was that I understand about work, he knew how I felt about sleep overs and this was the 3rd one in a week, and it would be nice if he could reserve some days during the week to talk/skype and I guess he got all defensive about it. We ended up having a talk over the weekend on skype where he accused me of trying to keep him from hanging out with his friends, which I didn't believe I was doing, I just wanted him to see that sleeping over with teenage girls was not really normal but hanging out with was perfectly fine. He said we wanted different things and was trying to break it off with me but it wasn't an official break up and I told him that I loved him very much and the friend thing wouldn't be an issue. While I was trying to save our relationship, I had no idea that on Thursday night's sleep over after they got off skype my ex and the 17 year old had a conversation about going out and slept in the same bed, and Friday's sleep over they again slept next to each other, cuddling and giving hickys. I was completely devastated when I found this out afterwards from the 19year old because he was never going to tell me on his own. I thought that things where fine and on New Years Eve I told him that I loved him, and I really wanted our relationship to work, and I thought that he did too since I didn't know about him and the 17 year old yet, which she also...came over to hang out on New Years Eve with him, ended up sleeping over, and they had sex...she has never had a bf before, and was a virgin...and 3 days after "going out" they have sex behind my back. For the rest of the week I think things are normal, and I even question him about the girl sleeping over and he said they didn't do anything which at the time was a lie, and he is also lieing to the girl telling her that he already broke up with me....I had planned a trip to fly and see him in England, which had been booked and paid for in November before any of this happened, and the following saturday I was flying out to see him! Well on Sunday I ended up sending that girl a message telling her jokingly to send my bf/ex home because we were supposed to be hanging out that day, he was meanwhile staying at her house that weekend....I knew something was up but he would never say anything to me and when he did everything he said he made it out to seem like a joke, I just wanted him to tell me in a serious manner which he never did. The girl found out through my message to her that we were still together and that he lied to her. Even though she -knew- that he lied, she still agreed to continue to go out with him, which makes me even more mad, and the fact that she -knew- before hand that he was dating me, she still flirted and did all the things she did. He found out that I messaged her and basically broke up with me saying that he needed to be around people and that if I lived closer to him we could have worked out. So everything was fine? the whole 6 months that we were friends and the 3 months out of that, that we were dating and all of a sudden after 2 sleep overs you decide that being with a 17 year old is more beneficial to you then sticking it out with me? I don't want to toot my own horn but I am a decent person, really fun to be around, kind, loving, and all that, and we had already been talking about what it takes to get finance visas, for down the road after we had a couple visits under our belts, and things like that. I still went to see him, even though I had to suffer through seeing his new gf every day of my trip, I wasn't going to waste 900$ but seeing the two of them together was like murder. She is very childish and acts like a 10 year old, is very insecure and almost cried when she saw me the first day. She also does this thing where she "jabs" his forehead about 10 times in a row...and there interaction with each other just baffles me...it's like watching a brother and sister, not a bf and gf...let alone that he is 25.... What's worse is that he told me "Cares about her" but loves me and wishes we could see each other every day and not every other month, and "maybe she'll get bored of me because I'm old". If you say this about someone you're dating..why are you dating? He said it's not about sex, it's about being close to someone but....I'm heartbroken.... and after only a week of dating him she already tells him that she loves him, I doubt that he loves her back but he has said it back to her. I don't understand how someone can do that? I know people are going to say that he isn't worth it, and I need to get over him which I am trying...but...I don't know how their relationship can be real, if it's not just one sided...Like she thinks she loves him, and he just enjoys the attention of it and puts up with her because he gets physical contact. It's only been a short amount of time and it takes a while to heal but my heart still thinks that I will wake up out of this nightmare. Cheating is wrong, I know, everyone makes mistakes though, and while I wouldn't just jump back into a relationship with him unless I honestly and truly thought he got his head on straight and could get me to trust him, I want him to see that what he did was stupid and realize how great our relationship could be and what he lost. I mostly wanted to get this out of my system because I feel stupid for still loving him so much, but if anyone wants to post comments or advise or similar thoughts, feel free.
HKcolon Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 First off, I am sooo sorry. However, I do have some insight: 1. You were only dating 3 months, and it was online. Thank gawsh you know it probably wasn't about YOU, but him. 2. He is 25 and working with 17-19 year olds...who are his best friends. It sounds like he is still working a teenager job. Probably not very mature. 3. The 17 year old acted immature because she is a 17 year old. It's not uncommon. 4. It's not the 17 year old's fault what happened. You should not be upset with her since she "stole" your boyfriend. Did she force him to give her hickies and have sex with her (not to be graphic, but the number of times a man goes in and out of a woman during sex shows that clearly he chose his actions...continuously). 5. This is the first guy she ever slept with, so obviously she is not experienced. Of course she is going to tell him that she loves him etc. 6. Basically, don't blame the new girlfriend. You are 26 and a WOMAN. She is still a GIRL. 7. Your ex boyfriend sounds immature and doesn't sound like he knows what he wants either. The fact that he slept with a teenager after only a few days and keeps talking about how "old" he is, says he is still mentally a boy. Clearly, he has no clue what he wants. Honestly, he tells her he loves her. What do you expect him to tell you, when he wants BOTH of you? Of course he's not going to tell you, "Honestly I like her more. I love her" etc. 8. The point is, move on. I know you want him to see what he lost and finally have an epiphany and realize everything he did wrong...but it's not worth waiting around trying to make him realize. He may never realize, and even if he does...do you really want to be waiting 5, 10, 15 years for that realization to finally come? 9. It was a short relationship, long term, early-cheating, and after he had you meet him and his new girlfriend....that is just too much. 10. I think you need to gain some self-esteem...I'm also working on the same thing, and can see myself acting the same way you did...but it's wrong. If a similar situation *hopefully not* happens again, and he greets you with his new girlfriend, go solo. He was disrespectful to you, his new girlfriend, and this is a clear indicator of future behavior. Good luck!
Author Love4Pain Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Thanks. I'm not blaming her, it takes two to tango, but I also do not like girls who go after guys who are already involved, plus the fact that she found out he was lying to her and was still "oh my gosh first guy that likes me oh well i'm in love with him" They both had equal parts in what happened. Of course she's going to be immature, she's a teenager, although even for her age she acted more like a 10 year old than a 17 year old, I do not see the charm in that at all. She was even "kicked out" of her house for 2 days during my trip there because she wouldn't follow her mother's rules about letting my ex sleep in her room with her and her 10 year old sister almost daily... I do think he is immature. I know the relationship was pretty short compared to others, we were friends for 3 months before we started dating long distance, so at that end we had known each other for 6 months when he did cheat =\ There was this spark, at least on my end, even though he lived far away I knew I wanted to be with him and he was sweet and nice and loving all up until this happened with that girl. I would never have pictured him to do something like that from all the conversations we had about our past and what we learned about each other. I thought, and still think I'm better than a half-arsed relationship with a teenager who happened to be the only person who had a crush on you at the time, even if I am across the ocean
HKcolon Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I thought, and still think I'm better than a half-arsed relationship with a teenager who happened to be the only person who had a crush on you at the time, even if I am across the ocean Don't compare yourself to the teenage girl. You are two completely different people and your ex is obviously confused and immature. He has no clue what he wants (seemingly in life), so can you really expect his choice to in any way be clear and logical? Of course not! His choice is not a reflection of YOU as a person, nor of the other girl. It's probably a reflection of who lives closest to him and most importantly -- who lives closest to his penis. Find someone who is CERTAIN about what he wants -- and let that person be YOU, so you can truly be appreciated and respected. You are obviously someone who deserves to be in a loving relationship... I mean you flew 3,000 miles to see him and despite him rubbing his new girlfriend that he cheated on you for in your face...you can still see the good in him. You really deserve better.
Author Love4Pain Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 Thanks again. I know I deserve to be in a loving relationship, just like everyone else, it's horrible when you think you've got something and you have plans and then you find out you don't and the plans don't matter anymore. Last night I actually cried when I thought about him. It still hurts a lot. I am still getting to that stage where I can let go and then move on.
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