nevadagirl Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 (edited) Looking back at my posts I cringe and I also feel sad. But it's interesting looking at a thread of my pain...actually seeing how it yoyo'd up and down for about a year. I recently found out that my mother is dying. They gave her 6-12 months - lung cancer. She just got pneumonia. And today I feel angry with myself because still...my ex occupies space in my head that he doesn't deserve. Space my mother deserves. You know? And I wonder if my brain is forever broken. Did this guy break me? When he tried to be "friends" with me I resisted it but then thought maybe facing the demon would heal me some. Maybe it'd be okay if I attempted to not hate his guts. And so I tried but I realized I still had feelings. And I let him tell me that he still loved me. And I let him overly compliment me. And I let him tell me all about how he talked about me to his friends all the time and how all of his friends thought we should get back together. And I let him tell me how he e-stalked my facebook every single day since we broke up. And it flattered me that he stalked my friends trying to get a glimpse of my life. Because it made me feel good that someone who had so utterly broken my heart hadn't forgotten about me even after he'd found a new girlfriend, his cookie-cutter attractive girlfriend, someone prettier than me. And then found out he was seeing his most recent ex while spouting off his poetry to me - even though we were "just friends" - and wanted to get back together with her. It was so revolting. But hey I told him I never wanted to date him or be his girlfriend again. So how dare I get upset? Right? I guess? I told his girl what he'd been up to during their short breakup. She sent me a nothing-response. I figured they got back together and whatever. I don't really care about that. But what I care about...to this day...that I can't figure out why...is that I still try to figure out why he does the things he does. A few weeks ago he sent me an email about nothing important. Because it doesn't hurt like it did, I took the bait and checked the FB. Hours earlier he had changed his cover photo to him and the girl kissing (I guess that was their facebook offical announcement or something.) And there were other subtle reminders that he was Alive, always corresponding to him and the girl getting closer to getting back together despite the email I wrote her. (Like he started "liking" some of my photos that a mutual friend on Facebook posted the same day he became friends with her parents, yknow) And recently one of his friends that I hung out with maybe twice ever and absolutely am not friends with randomly calls me at midnight and then invites me to some dumb get together at her house with about 6 of her friends that I don't even know. I'm not friends with her and haven't spoken to her since I told my ex to go to hell again bac in November. I haven't bothered to look at and see what new photo of the two of them looking so in love has appeared. That doesn't matter anymore. I just wish he contacted me because some part of him actually cared about my feelings and wasn't just trying to rub in that he still got the girl! So to the people of loveshack I honestly can tell you I am not in love with him anymore but I still get anxiety about him. I don't feel jealous about him being with her or but actually seeing the cover photo really made me upset in a way I don't totally understand. I still think about him. And I try to figure out why it's so important to him to make me feel bad or if I just assume he's trying to make me feel bad because of the timing of his small contacts. He's the one who always misrepresented himself. He's the liar. And he knows it. My dying mother deserves more space in my head than this loser. Am I just an awful person? Edited February 15, 2013 by nevadagirl 1
ak8o8 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 You're not an awful person for thinking of your situation. We can't control our thoughts and feelings as if we had a switch. If we could, we would control ourselves to stop feeling so miserable after our break up. Sorry to hear about your mother and your break up. Actually not sorry about the break up cause you're better off without him. He sounds like a douche.
thefooloftheyear Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I dont know why the hell people torture themselves and stalk their ex's FB? NOTHING good will come of it!! First of all, many people "embellish" their situations with stupid status updates. Who really knows what the hell is going on, there isnt anything that says you must not lie or embellish when posting on FB. Deactivate your acct completely(best option) or block him. If you feel you dont want to be offensive, then msg him and ask him to unfriend you. Believe me I am sympathetic to your plight and hope you can move on.. Spend your time worrying about whats important-your Mom and YOUR life.. TFOY
Author nevadagirl Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Eh I think you sort of missed the point. I was NC for a good year. Hiding away doesn't mean much anymore. We aren't friends on FB anyway. I'm more aggravated that I still wonder why he does the crap he does (emailing me right after his FB relationship display, etc) and that's what the heart of my post was about. Not him trying to look more glamorous than he is because that's all FB is anyway - but WHY I care that it's important for to him for me to be hurt by it. I've had the guy, I know he ain't all that. Thanks anyway though.
Sugarkane Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I think he just wants to rub it in face. Why else would someone do such a thing? Your mum is mire important than this assclown.
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