ak8o8 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 As part of a way to deal with everything that's come up today being V Day and recently finding out that my ex-gf has a new bf, my therapist suggested I write a letter. It's worked wonders for me and I feel like I've written down a lot of things and gotten a lot of stuff that seemed to be weighing me down. Now I'm wondering if I should send it to my ex-gf. I've been NC for over two months and most of the time lately I'm feeling good about myself. If I didn't work with this girl, I probably wouldn't send it at all but seeing as how we do work together and how we have mutual coworker friends, I'm leaning towards sending it as a way to say I've accepted that we're not together but I'm also going to be an adult about the situation and not hide anymore. It's a letter expressing my recognition of the part she played in my life. I was definitely a mama's boy prior to meeting her and during the course of our relationship I was able to become who I am today. She was my motivation for pushing myself to become something better, and I feel like I am grateful for that. Even though our last few weeks together were not something I want to remember her for, the part she played in my life is. I can take who I am and move on to find the true love of my life. So should I send this to her?
TaraMaiden Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 No. Your therapist intended you should write a letter as a cathartic exercise. Sending it to someone actually hinders your progress and interferes with the 'order of things'. Do NOT send it. Do what I did, when I wrote my "mini-Novel": Burn it symbolically, to permit everything to be consumed by fire, which is both destructive and cleansing. As it burns, let it all go. But do not, on any account draw someone else into your process of expunging your past. That's grossly unfair on them. 1
Author ak8o8 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 So I'm to never talk to her again? That may be difficult with us working together. I've had to stop hanging out with some coworkers who I consider good friends because she had also been invited to hang out with them. A part of me is tired of avoiding her and wants to go out and have fun with them again.
Author ak8o8 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Btw, thanks for the answer. I appreciate your perspective on this situation.
H3Drvr Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Yup write it don't send it. And it's not like you have to fully ignore her, I'm sure you can speak if spoken too. But keep it short and all business like. Tara: I've also written a mini novel with blow by blow accounts of our RS. Wish I could burn it though...unfortunately, that would be the most expensive fire I've ever made and its pretty hard to light an ipad. Lol 1
newsbug Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I agree and think you should burn it. I doubt she would care and it's only there to help you feel better and heal. At the best, it would just make things awkward with her at work..more so I guess. I also agree that if there is something going on and you want to go out with your friends and she's going too, then you can still go. Just be as polite as you have to be...and that's it. And who knows..maybe if you can go out with your friends and she's there and you're able to deal with it okay, that will help you heal too.
TaraMaiden Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Okay, here's the thing: There is a therapeutic process known as Free Writing: I used it when I basically found myself at a point where I was ready to off-load and shed the baggage I'd been carrying around all my life. I just wrote, and wrote, and wrote, and didn't pause. I did it all in long-hand and left nothing out. The pages were a mess. My hand throbbed from the effort.... the timeline was all over the place, and my expressive grammatical accuracy and discipline were chucked out of the window. But it was spontaneous, liberating and convoluted - but it did the trick. And the great thing is, I never went back, changed anything, altered the spelling, crossed anything out, updated, changed or modified. It was all as I had felt it, coming in a torrent from my head to my pen, from my pen to the page. I ended up writing probably around 40 sides of A4 paper... and I cannot tell you the tears I wept as I did it. I could barely see at times.... But then, the minute I finished it, I felt completely exhausted, spent and done in. But I also felt wonderful. That's why writing on a laptop or ipad is still constrained, deliberate, and thought-assisted. I would be willing to bet you went over what you had written, and made modifications.... This is why really, writing by hand can be a lot more therapeutic than keeping a journal, or tapping everything out on a keyboard. Because you are physically venting, and using your entire body to exorcise your demons.....
Author ak8o8 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 You guys are right. I think what matters the most from all this is how I felt after writing things down. It felt great! I don't have to drag her into it. I'll even go to hangouts because I want to and shouldn't let her determine if I go or not. She doesn't deserve that respect from me. 1
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