suicidal self harming ex

[calgary]

anyone gone no contact.. denied the friendzone offer and walked away.. only for their ex to come back into your life explaining they are depressed?

self harming and thinking of suicide daily ? not because of the break up.. just life in general.

 

it's awful.. she hasn't told anyone except for me. i feel sick.

i don't want to be friends i want her to be my girlfriend or gradually build back up to be my girlfriend.. but i feel i must stay in her life to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.. i demanded she goes to the doctors and i take her and now all of a sudden she feels a lot better about things.

 

she texts me daily, tells me she still loves and misses me.. holds my hand and hugs me.. but doesn't want a relationship right now.... she's stilll well enough to go out drinking and partying i might add though!

 

somebody talk to me about this because im going crazy.. i'm worried i'm sad i'm frightened.. im unsure what to believe.

I've never been in a predicament like this!

 

i told her i was taking her to the doctors so she text me saying that she feels a lot better now and that she's so sorry for dragging me into this and to not worry about her too much.

 

how do i reply?

[cavalier99]

Tell her next time she want to end it to call a suicide hotline...you are busy and unavailable.

[Sexy Teddy Bear]

Just a possibility here. But could she simply be yanking you along without actually having any feelings of depression/suicide? Maybe she is just saying that so you will stay in her life as her 'pet' so to speak. Not trying to be insensitive, just a possibility I'm throwing out there.

 

If, however, her feeling are real and she is telling you the truth about her suicidal urges, she needs help. That is no light subject. A suicide hotline is a very good idea. Or maybe a psychiatrist (or psychologist, I can never remember the difference between the two). I'm not too certain that telling her that "you are busy and unavailable" would be the best choice of words if what she says is true. If it were me with the suicidal urges, hearing that from my ex would probably just make me more depressed.

[Simon Phoenix]

Unless you are a psychiatrist, it's not your job to be her counselor. Tell her to seek professional help.

[calgary]

Unless you are a psychiatrist, it's not your job to be her counselor. Tell her to seek professional help.

thank you! yea i told her i'd take her to the doctors to get a counsellor but she told me she was feeling better i guess that was a lie? or she could be lying about the whole thing to keep me as a pet as you say! i keep playing so many things through my mind.

it's all torture really for me.

[calgary]

thank you! yea i told her i'd take her to the doctors to get a counsellor but she told me she was feeling better i guess that was a lie? or she could be lying about the whole thing to keep me as a pet as you say! i keep playing so many things through my mind.

it's all torture really for me.

you didn't say it! sorry sexy teddy bear ! cute name by the way !

[Simon Phoenix]

thank you! yea i told her i'd take her to the doctors to get a counsellor but she told me she was feeling better i guess that was a lie? or she could be lying about the whole thing to keep me as a pet as you say! i keep playing so many things through my mind.

it's all torture really for me.

 

That's why you have to stop talking to her now. Anything and everything she says you are going to overanalyze.

[Sexy Teddy Bear]

you didn't say it! sorry sexy teddy bear ! cute name by the way !

 

Yes, cute name indeed. It's what my ex girlfriend use to call me.

 

But yeah, if she is telling the truth about her feelings, she needs professional help. But I still stick by what I said about not telling her your "busy". That's a bad idea for someone going suicidal. But at the same time, it's not something you can (or should) deal with.

[calgary]

true! it's insane.. and i still obviously care about her, i don't want her to feel this way at all it's really sad! i just don't know why she's doing this to me!

[Sexy Teddy Bear]

It could just be That she really is lying about her depression and she just wants to keep you wrapped around her finger. It's either that, or she really is suicidal. Considering the options here, I pray it's the first one. It would make her pretty shallow, but it's better than being suicidal and potentially killing herself. That's my thoughts anyway.

[calgary]

true it's how i'm feeling since she goes out partying a lot but she told me that was to block out her feelings.

 

i didn't know what to do so I've been replying to her texts and answering her calls and meeting her. she's wanted to vent on me.. it's been really upsetting me it's not been nice for me sitting with my thoughts wondering how she is only to find out she went out partying.. i'm really sad if she did make something like that up just to keep me whipped.. because that was really really really cruel.. but i'm also sad if she is suicidal i don't know either way this is really messed up.

[Simon Phoenix]

true it's how i'm feeling since she goes out partying a lot but she told me that was to block out her feelings.

 

i didn't know what to do so I've been replying to her texts and answering her calls and meeting her. she's wanted to vent on me.. it's been really upsetting me it's not been nice for me sitting with my thoughts wondering how she is only to find out she went out partying.. i'm really sad if she did make something like that up just to keep me whipped.. because that was really really really cruel.. but i'm also sad if she is suicidal i don't know either way this is really messed up.

 

Stop talking to her dude. Trust me.

[Sugarkane]

I've been dumped cruelly more than once before. I've also been depressed and suicidal. Not one ex remotely cared about me though.

[creighton0123]

This is the world of social media and easy communication. Get a message to her family and let them know about her depression and suicidal thoughts. It is their responsibility, not yours.

[calgary]

I've been dumped cruelly more than once before. I've also been depressed and suicidal. Not one ex remotely cared about me though.

that's really sad ! i feel like I've tried to be really nice to her about it.

[Amelie1980]

Call an ambulance & send it to her door next time. She won't do it again.

[MrWombat]

anyone gone no contact.. denied the friendzone offer and walked away.. only for their ex to come back into your life explaining they are depressed?

self harming and thinking of suicide daily ? not because of the break up.. just life in general.

 

it's awful.. she hasn't told anyone except for me. i feel sick.

 

Lol! So, after refusing to be friendzoned, refusing to be the chump sitting there listening to her little problems, you go right ahead and do it after she ups the stakes a little. "Oooh, I'm depressed! Oooh, I sometimes just want to take some pills and/or cut!"

 

If she wanted to be dead, dude, she'd be dead.

 

she texts me daily, tells me she still loves and misses me.. holds my hand and hugs me.. but doesn't want a relationship right now.... she's stilll well enough to go out drinking and partying i might add though!

 

Doesn't want a relationship? You two are in a relationship, it's just that it's completely one-sided, 100% on her terms. You in the friendzone, you to drive her home when she's too drunk (and do a million other little jobs, I'll bet); and every other guy in the city to "party" (i.e: have sex) with on the weekend.

 

somebody talk to me about this because im going crazy.. i'm worried i'm sad i'm frightened..

 

Yeah, the crazy is contagious.

 

Look. As the saying goes: never stick it in crazy. You don't want a sexual relationship with this person. If she'll pull the suicide card when you are just friends, can you imagine what cohabiting or (God forbid) being married to this person would be like? Just imagine it for a minute - grocery shopping, paying the bills, with this going on in the background the whole time.

 

That aside, you were right to refuse the friendzone. She's sucked you into it regardless because she's better at this game than you are. She won. She beat you. And she does not, and never will, respect you.

 

Stop seeking contact with this person. And if she threatens to self-harm one more time, contact mental health services in your city.

[calgary]

Lol! So, after refusing to be friendzoned, refusing to be the chump sitting there listening to her little problems, you go right ahead and do it after she ups the stakes a little. "Oooh, I'm depressed! Oooh, I sometimes just want to take some pills and/or cut!"

 

If she wanted to be dead, dude, she'd be dead.

 

 

 

Doesn't want a relationship? You two are in a relationship, it's just that it's completely one-sided, 100% on her terms. You in the friendzone, you to drive her home when she's too drunk (and do a million other little jobs, I'll bet); and every other guy in the city to "party" (i.e: have sex) with on the weekend.

 

 

 

Yeah, the crazy is contagious.

 

Look. As the saying goes: never stick it in crazy. You don't want a sexual relationship with this person. If she'll pull the suicide card when you are just friends, can you imagine what cohabiting or (God forbid) being married to this person would be like? Just imagine it for a minute - grocery shopping, paying the bills, with this going on in the background the whole time.

 

That aside, you were right to refuse the friendzone. She's sucked you into it regardless because she's better at this game than you are. She won. She beat you. And she does not, and never will, respect you.

 

Stop seeking contact with this person. And if she threatens to self-harm one more time, contact mental health services in your city.

all true points. she's crazy. I denied friend zone, I've only seen her twice since that day. once when I was drunk and she told me her problems.. and the second time when I me her sober as i'd agreed whilst drunk.. she sat there hugging me holding my hand telling me she loved and missed me but didn't want to be in a relationship... text me everyday since.

 

I text her back last night saying i'd had enough and I was taking her to the doctors.. she told me she's feeling a lot better and asked if I was okay.. I said ' no not really i'm pretty upset about the whole thing' and left it at that.

 

I think it's pretty nasty of her to pull the suicide card on me. that was pretty low of her. it's not about her respecting me.. if that was a lie I've lost all respect for her.

 

I was with her 18 months and she was absolutely fine , I caught her holding hands with a guy friend and went nuts. I dumped her I was in a rage.

 

then when I calmed down I wanted to fix things.

 

how do you get respect back mrwombat ? I think the way I've left things and how I've handled this situation shows I cared.. I didn't run round being a friend doing friend things.. I just took her for a coffee to talk about her problems once. she declared her love, held my hand. I just agreed. offered to take her to the doctors and now told her i'm upset she's done this to me. I think I handled that right ?

[Inviv_girl]

So have you find out who is the guy she's holding hands with? does she has good explanation about it? does she cheats or was it just misunderstanding? if you want to fix things then fix them, if she not keen with all the relationship again with you crap then leave her alone.

[calgary]

So have you find out who is the guy she's holding hands with? does she has good explanation about it? does she cheats or was it just misunderstanding? if you want to fix things then fix them, if she not keen with all the relationship again with you crap then leave her alone.

she's oblivious to flirting. she's actually one of the only decent girls I actually know ( she doesn't sleep around) it just looked wrong, it was disrespectful towards my feelings. I felt embarrassed infront of my friends. he may have liked her.. but he say's he's just a friend... really honestly nothing was going on there I know for a fact. it just hurt my feelings that she couldn't see that it was wrong to do that. how do I fix things? I would fix them! suggest something if you can .

[stevie_23]

Hmm...this is hard. It'd make more sense if SHE had been dumped, not the other way around.

 

She is leaning on you. Using you for emotional comfort and an outlet. She is having a hard time stabilising and moving on after this breakup, even if it was her choice to end things, and she's using you as the comfort you were before the breakup. This is unfair, and it's only up to YOU to choose whether you're willing to be that role for her or not, at this point.

 

As someone who has not always been the most emotionally stable person on the planet, and someone who will admit to some self harm in the past (mild stuff, but ANY self harm is serious, of course), I know I've "used" certain people as an emotional crutch to get me through hard, unsettled times. And you know what? It doesn't even HELP that much. It just indulges it.

 

If she's telling you she is hurting herself and is threatening or thinking about suicide? She needs to call a professional, not you. When I would tell my "emotional crutches" these similar things, I felt bad and guilty and embarrassed that I was so "needy" and unstable, but it was a great comfort to me. I also knew though that it was self indulgent and that I never would REALLY kill myself. GOD NO! Not even close. I just wanted the attention and comforting words.

 

Really, in my case, it wasn't accurate though. I had other problems that I needed help with (like why your ex broke up with you, how she's feeling now about herself and her life, etc) and any comfort addressed specifically to the negative and harmful behaviour is not going to be accurate in terms of helping HER in general. It will just continue the dysfunctional ex-relationship you have, and inhibit either of you from either moving on, or somehow getting back into a healthy relationship later if that's a possibility at some stage.

 

And yeah, the going out and partying and drinking is often used as a coping / distraction / obliterate-the-mind mechanism, and she may be doing this.

[calgary]

Hmm...this is hard. It'd make more sense if SHE had been dumped, not the other way around.

 

She is leaning on you. Using you for emotional comfort and an outlet. She is having a hard time stabilising and moving on after this breakup, even if it was her choice to end things, and she's using you as the comfort you were before the breakup. This is unfair, and it's only up to YOU to choose whether you're willing to be that role for her or not, at this point.

 

As someone who has not always been the most emotionally stable person on the planet, and someone who will admit to some self harm in the past (mild stuff, but ANY self harm is serious, of course), I know I've "used" certain people as an emotional crutch to get me through hard, unsettled times. And you know what? It doesn't even HELP that much. It just indulges it.

 

If she's telling you she is hurting herself and is threatening or thinking about suicide? She needs to call a professional, not you. When I would tell my "emotional crutches" these similar things, I felt bad and guilty and embarrassed that I was so "needy" and unstable, but it was a great comfort to me. I also knew though that it was self indulgent and that I never would REALLY kill myself. GOD NO! Not even close. I just wanted the attention and comforting words.

 

Really, in my case, it wasn't accurate though. I had other problems that I needed help with (like why your ex broke up with you, how she's feeling now about herself and her life, etc) and any comfort addressed specifically to the negative and harmful behaviour is not going to be accurate in terms of helping HER in general. It will just continue the dysfunctional ex-relationship you have, and inhibit either of you from either moving on, or somehow getting back into a healthy relationship later if that's a possibility at some stage.

 

And yeah, the going out and partying and drinking is often used as a coping / distraction / obliterate-the-mind mechanism, and she may be doing this.

thank you for your input! I struggle to understand these things and what's the best thing to do! can you recommend what I should do since you have a lot more of an idea of what she's feeling right now than what I do?

 

is it better to leave her alone? i'd really love to see her get better.

[stevie_23]

All I can say is...if you stay close to her, you will be putting yourself AND her in a worse position (unless you want to truly get back together and in a way that can make you BOTH happy and that can provide what you BOTH need in this relationship).

 

You will be putting yourself in a position of weakness and losing the power over yourself because she will be controlling you in a way. You will be allowing her to put herself in a position of power but also weakness because if you don't see a future for you two, then it's just dragging out the pain and discomfort. She seems too weak, lost or too self-indulgent (and that's not meant to sound cruel) right now to behave in a rational and helpful way to herself.

 

And if you stay close to her specifically BECAUSE of this behaviour of her's, it will never be a good thing, in my opinion. Even if she's not intending to do so, her actions are manipulating you (if you let them). They are USING you to provide comfort for her. This may not be her fault, but it will be a problem if you stay with her / close to her/ indulge her behaviour.

 

Ultimately, the only person who can bring her out of this destructive way of functioning is herself. No one else, no matter how much you love her, how much you care for her, and how much you want things (or wanted things) to work out between you.

 

When I was being destructive (I'd text my long distance ex and tell him I was cutting myself or that I was going to drink washing up detergent or other such stupid things), it put SO much pressure on him. (we were still very much together at this point) It terrified him. And he was SO supportive, but at the end of the day, all I had was myself to become a more mature, more able to function human being.

 

Also to be honest, sometimes when I told him I was doing those things, I wasn't actually doing them. I came across as way more unstable than I actually was, however the very fact I SAID those things in the first place shows just how unstable I really was.

 

To do this sort of stuff, it is attempting to attract NEGATIVE attention. The best way to keep someone close or to show how you feel about them is to try to get POSITIVE attention, by acting in a good, healthy, respectful and caring way. Showing you respect YOURSELF and the other person / people involved. Living a good life. Trying to be happy. NEGATIVE attention is using emotional blackmail, threats of hurting yourself, implying you are suicidal (whether you really are or not), so you can still get some sort of response (attention) from the person involved as a way of fulfilling some kind of need you can't, or feel you can't, get in any other way.

 

My ex didn't leave me for the things I did (surprisingly enough, lol), but now I don't have him to lean on, to turn to, to INDULGE in, I haven't done anything self destructive.

 

Sometimes coping on your own is the best thing for someone to learn how to do.

Edited February 16, 2013 by stevie_23

[daylight]

I've had different variations of this happen throughout several relationships. One time I was with a girl and broke it off completely and she threatened suicide and self harm to get me back. That was the first time I fell for it and I tried to help her through it before realizing that every time I was about to leave her she'd do the same thing.

 

The second time, same thing with a different girl and I was mean to her as I know it was a plea for attention so I told her to go ahead and do it. She never went through with the suicide and I haven't heard from her since.

 

The last relationship I was in, I broke it off with her because she had a billion different issues and a pretty intense drug addiction. We kept in touch as sort of friends but I still had feelings for her. She reached out to me when she wanted to get help with her addiction so I did try to help although but I was against being friends with her and I made this clear to her. She kept trying to keep me on as a friend even when I told her I couldn't just be friends with her because I was a positive influence on her.

 

She used all sorts of tricks and teases to keep me on the hook as her friend only. Similar to what you are going through with the threats of self harm. Mostly drama and problems that I would feel bad if I didn't help her through them. In the end, I finally snapped and it was ugly.

 

It's never a good idea to be friends with someone you have feelings for. Or to be friends with someone who you know has feelings for you and you don't return them.

[stevie_23]

Also, you are not the ONLY person in the entire world she can lean on. If she REALLY seriously does need major help and is in real danger, she will either turn to SOMEONE and get that help, or...she will follow through with her threats and end things. And I highly doubt she'd ever do that, but if she DID, there's nothing you or anyone else could really do about it, sadly.

 

What I'm saying is that do YOU want to be that person she leans on in this particular way? You don't have to be. If she needs that, she will find it in someone else and use them in that way instead.

 

If she ever came back to you as a functional, self respectful, strong person? Well, that could be a different story in terms of you having some kind of relationship (meaning friendship or "other") with her.