DavidI Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Dear Loveshack Forum, I am married to the most beautiful woman in the world. We have a beautiful 11 month old daughter, and one more on the way. I have been caught on multiple occasions chatting online (with strangers), engaging in inappropriate and sexual chat, emailing with strangers, and have engaged in inappropriate emailing with co-workers. Just recently, I acted inappropriately to our nanny, and she confronted us as a couple. My wife asked me to leave the house. It has now been 6 days that I have been away. I have visited some of the evenings (when she lets me) to see our daughter. I have also received text messages from my wife saying that (right now) her head and heart are telling her that she doesn't want to be married to me any more, but she needs help having the baby. She has also said that if I were to come back to the house, there will have to be ground rules. I am a lost puppy, but know what I have done both now, and in the past is wrong. I have texted her to tell her how sorry I was, and that I was thinking about her, but no response. I cannot imagine the hurt she is feeling. How could I have been so stupid to let this happen again, and again. I cannot understand it all. For those of you reading, should I walk away and let her find someone better? Someone that will not ever hurt her the way I did ? On one hand I feel it is the right thing to do, but on the other hand, I don't want to walk away and leave my daughter without a father. I want to be with her every minute of every day. They are both the most important people in my life. I just don't know what to do. Your help is greatly appreciated.
aMguilts Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 if she meant THAT much to you, you wouldn`t of done what you did your wife and daughter will be just fine without you in their life aM
Mack05 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Cheaters get no love around here (you don't have to be 'physical' to cheat). For sure your wife can do better and if you have any decency you will make life as easy as you can for her and the kids. What kind of man cheats on the most important people in his life? (with another baby on the way)... Dude I ain't perfect (far from it) but I would never be a cheat. Quite frankly is the lowest thing a person can do. I don't know what you should do to be honest. Your wife wants you around, but I am not sure she knows what's best right now. She is pregnant and extremely vulnerable. I am not sure she is thinking straight at the moment. If you leave she might think you are abandoning her and she might have an even lower opinion of you as she does right now. If you stay you may stop her from finding someone far more worthy longterm. Some people can forgive cheating after time has passed. Maybe if you went to therapy and got to the bottom of why you behaved you like you did and proved you could change, maybe then trust could be rebuilt. However in my experience a leopard rarely changes his spots and I'm pretty sure if your wife took you back, somewhere down the line there would be another indiscretion. Promising change is one thing. Sustaining it for the rest of your life is entirely different. 4
HKcolon Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 You should see a therapist. Why are you acting this way multiple times if you love your wife so much? You need to find out. Maybe this is sex addiction, bipolar disorder etc.. You need to find out why before trying to go back. Otherwise, who says this will not happen again or? 2
todreaminblue Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I agree with HK do not return to your wife until you have sought help to discover why you would want to have done the things you have to a loving caring wife who is the mother of your child and soon to be baby.......you have behaved in a destructive manner as a husband and definitely as a father, i say as a father, because if you dotn get help your daughter will grow up seeing an unhappy wife a dysfunctional relationship to base her future relationships on....do you want your daughter to grow up thinking its right to endure infidelity....get help and then seek help as a family.......i believe in families together forever, i use to believe that meant copping abuse and standing loyal and steadfast as a partner to a cheating and abusive spouse, that to me was enduranace..it was also masochistic and i suffered it..there is only so much a woman can endure before you break her....dont do it .......get help first.......break the cycle.....before it breaks you and everyone around you......say you will and then seek to do it........ give your wife a chance at happiness....deb 1
Fallen Petals Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 You need to figure out why you do those things or you'll never stop. If you aren't going to stop, you need to let her go and be a father to your children, but allow her to find someone who can treat her right. If you can stop - likely with IC and some deep self reflection, and likely MC so she can understand as well, then you have hope and could become the man she needs in her life and the father the kids need. Either way - you're a father. Be the man your daughter wants to marry - cause guess what - that's exactly what we daughters do - marry men just like our daddy. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I have been caught on multiple occasions chatting online (with strangers), engaging in inappropriate and sexual chat, emailing with strangers, and have engaged in inappropriate emailing with co-workers. Just recently, I acted inappropriately to our nanny, and she confronted us as a couple. There's been lots of theorizing as to the reasons behind your actions so I'll just ask you directly: Why do you think you've done the things you listed in your post ??? Mr. Lucky
Author DavidI Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Mr. Lucky, Ya know, last night I was sitting with my daughter and crying because I honestly cannot answer that question. I keep thinking to myself, WHY would I destroy my family just to rub the shoulders of the nanny ? Why would I give ALL of this up for something so stupid and useless ? I honestly do not have an answer. That is why I need to see someone. I'm doing seriously destructive things without remorse (since I do them again and again), and it needs to stop. Once and for all. I really need to work on getting right.
2.50 a gallon Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Instead of celebrating love with your beautiful wife, on the day of love you spent it holding your newest love and crying Unless you are a fool you will learn!
Author DavidI Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 2.50 a gallon, Totally would have, but (at the current time) she wants nothing to do with me. Can't say I blame her.
GuyInLimbo Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Therapy. For you. Immediately. Pick up the phone now and make your first appointment for today. My nanny is model hot. But even I know better than to do that.
stillafool Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Definitely let your wife go and find a man who respects her enough not to cheat. Life is too short to be unhappy. You stay single and mingle all you want. Good luck.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Mr. Lucky, Ya know, last night I was sitting with my daughter and crying because I honestly cannot answer that question. I keep thinking to myself, WHY would I destroy my family just to rub the shoulders of the nanny ? Why would I give ALL of this up for something so stupid and useless ? I honestly do not have an answer. That is why I need to see someone. I'm doing seriously destructive things without remorse (since I do them again and again), and it needs to stop. Once and for all. I really need to work on getting right. Until you have the answer, we can't really respond to your question. And I doubt that your wife can tell you what she will do. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone hell bent on willfully destroying the trust between the two of you. And no spouse would find reassurance in "I don't know why it did it". So until/unless you can make your wife understand that you're no longer that person, you will remain "soon-to-be-divorced" guy. Seems like it's up to you... Mr. Lucky
aMguilts Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Mr. Lucky, Ya know, last night I was sitting with my daughter and crying because I honestly cannot answer that question. I keep thinking to myself, WHY would I destroy my family just to rub the shoulders of the nanny ? Why would I give ALL of this up for something so stupid and useless ? I honestly do not have an answer. That is why I need to see someone. I'm doing seriously destructive things without remorse (since I do them again and again), and it needs to stop. Once and for all. I really need to work on getting right. And will you? Your hurting now and crying now not because of what you have done I bet it`s because your wife will no longer put up with it, and like you said, why should she/ who would blame her? Maybe you just don`t want to be with your wife anymore ? Have you asked yourself that question? Your on self destruct for whatever reason. You say you need to work on `getting right` ? Tell me now, what is your biggest hangup? You`ve already overcome the biggest obstacle yet, admitting you have a problem Listen you`ve made mistakes, who doesn`t? aM
Cali408 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Getting caught once or twice is one thing, getting caught a few times is stupid. So you did something really stupid. Here's what you need to do. LEAVE HER ALONE!!! Give her some space. Don't call, text, beg, apologize. See you daughter, but do not talk about your relationship with your wife. Work on yourself, whether that be therapy or identifying the triggers that cause you to act out and why. Do you have an alcohol problem and act out when you're drunk? Hitting on your nanny and naughty chat sound like things you do when you've tied one on and lack sense. Give it a couple of weeks/month and work on yourself. Start dating your wife again. Ask her out, go running with her etc. And whatever ground rules she lays, accept . 1
Author DavidI Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 aMguilts, Ya know, I initially tried to blame my wife for this problem. After all "Research has shown that majority of the times, cheating takes place because the cheater feels there is something that they are not getting from their relationship, so they look for answers outside the relationship, believing that they can fulfill the emptiness from a quick fix of sexual pleasure." And, after a deep soul search; it's not her I blame. I am to blame. I have a serious problem. I've made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I will get to the root of the problem eventually, and unfortunately I cannot control whether my wife wants to stay with me or not through all of this. I say all of this because I have been to therapists, I have been to SA meetings, I have tried and tried, but I still act out. She has been there every step of the way, and has supported me 100%.
Author DavidI Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Cali408, Thanks for your response. You're totally right. I don't drink, smoke, or take drugs. Kinda wish I did, because then at least I'd know what was leading me to act out. I believe your advice is the best that I have now. Seeking help, and getting answers is the only way to make it right. Thanks again.
Ester Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Our minds are not as simple. I hear your pain. Check out sites on Love, Sex, and Romance addiction....and remember it is called addiction becuase YOU, your higher self looses control. Do not blame yourself, it does not help, just get on with recovery.
Cali408 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Be the best father you can be. When you feel the urges, think of how it put you in the situation you are in. Don't do it.
Siriusly Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 If I were you and I seriously wanted to save my marriage, I would arrange to see a good psychologist now. And I would work my butt off to face my demons and conquer them. If you are not willing to do that, then, yes, walk away.
Author DavidI Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Siriusly, I will go to the end of the earth to get answers. Whatever it takes. However long it takes.
Ladybugz Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 why did you not think way before about your action will result in your kid with no dad? i think you are sick or something i dont see you having a problem to keep behaving like this again. you talk like its all out of your hand not to do those nasty stuff. so you dont take responsibility. you are worry cause she is mad at you. not cause you see that you are a sick figure and need help. if she divorce you, you will have to keep take care of your kid. cause it stay your responsibility. and woman go true to much stuff, being pregnant and after that are very hard and serious periods. the little you as a men should do, you messed up? its better to be alone then to have messy men.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I say all of this because I have been to therapists, I have been to SA meetings, I have tried and tried, but I still act out. She has been there every step of the way, and has supported me 100%. Didn't understand from your previous postings that there was this kind of history, thought this was the first set of these events. Yes, I think you should walk away and simply focus on supporting and parenting your kids. I can only imagine what she's been through to this point. Given the "second" and "last" chances I'll bet you've burned through, it seems unfair to ask her to put her life on hold while you fix yours. And given that your current state is "I don't know...", you haven't even started down the road to recovery. Leave her be... Mr. Lucky
aMguilts Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 aMguilts, Ya know, I initially tried to blame my wife for this problem. After all "Research has shown that majority of the times, cheating takes place because the cheater feels there is something that they are not getting from their relationship, so they look for answers outside the relationship, believing that they can fulfill the emptiness from a quick fix of sexual pleasure." And, after a deep soul search; it's not her I blame. I am to blame. I have a serious problem. I've made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I will get to the root of the problem eventually, and unfortunately I cannot control whether my wife wants to stay with me or not through all of this. I say all of this because I have been to therapists, I have been to SA meetings, I have tried and tried, but I still act out. She has been there every step of the way, and has supported me 100%. You have tried? really? YOU never tried did you? what `therapy` did you take and WHY didn`t it work? what were the findings of yourSA ? untill you stop BS on here , you will never move on:mad: aM
aMguilts Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Siriusly, I will go to the end of the earth to get answers. Whatever it takes. However long it takes. ok so here`s what you do you leave her alone to get on with her life and if she really wants you , she will let you know. if you hear nothing from her, you keep on leaving her alone aM
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