anna121 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 So, I actually can agree that you should not call your partner names, even ones as benign as "jerk" or "idiot". "Hypocrite" is not very nice either. YMMV, but I think if they don't like it, don't do it. The bigger issue here is that you are at only a few months and you seem to be fighting all the time. At that stage you should still be in the giddy honeymoon phase and having so much sex you barely have time to talk. I would get out...and find someone who rarely, if ever, inspires you to use those words. 1
Archgirl Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Hello: To Clia, thank you for your response. I feel on some level I cannot deny that I have a large part in the cursing. I tend to curse a lot and even before we got to "this point" I have a habit of cursing. I don't recollect exactly how often I cursed or until which circumstances, I'd say mostly during fights. That is just how I do it and he shined a light on me when he first told me how much it hurt him and that he'd prefer for it not to happen. So I took it down a notch. But there were times I'd say "You are acting like a jerk" or "You are being an idiot" I won't lie I've said stuff like that and even at the most minimal perceived insult he would flip out and take it personally. On the one hand the cursing is my responsibility because he did not ask me to curse at him and this is my problem to deal with. On the other hand, I can't really say anything to him even in the heat of self-expression. No one wants to be called an idiot, I understand, I try my best, but in this last example he purposely provoked my profanity and I won't sugarcoat it because I know well, that I was keeping myself in check. It isn't about you cursing. It isn't about anything wrong with who you are or what you do at all. It's about what he's afraid is wrong with him and the only way he knows how to keep a woman is to make her feel so bad about herself that she will never leave him for someone emotionally functional because she no longer believes anyone other than him could put up with her. If it wasn't about you cursing, he would just pick something else, your weight, your spending habits, the way you dress, the level of tidiness you prefer. What he is doing is the definition of abuse. It is not normal. The vast majority of men are loving, affectionate, supportive and fun human beings, please find one of these instead. Please also (if it is difficult to explain/hard to talk about directly) show your posts and the replies we have given to a counsellor/psychologist and get some help to leave him with your self esteem intact. I am so sorry that you are feeling so awful, I promise it won't feel like that forever. Xx
RachR Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 I have to ask, deep down inside, do you thrive on the drama? Are you really young, like 20? Why are you so desperate to stick with this person after only three months of dating? At this point it's still the "getting to know you" stage. And I agree with someone else about you probably have codependency problems. Dump him and get some help. 1
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 So, I actually can agree that you should not call your partner names, even ones as benign as "jerk" or "idiot". "Hypocrite" is not very nice either. YMMV, but I think if they don't like it, don't do it. The bigger issue here is that you are at only a few months and you seem to be fighting all the time. At that stage you should still be in the giddy honeymoon phase and having so much sex you barely have time to talk. I would get out...and find someone who rarely, if ever, inspires you to use those words. Hello Anna, Thank you for your response. I encourage you to read my initial post on this thread. You will realize that I called him a hypocrite because he is a hypocrite.
pteromom Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Here is where I am at. I am depressed. I am sulking, crying my eyes out everywhere virtually, hiding my tears poorly, thinking about how he looks and his touch, missing him tremendously, being unable to cope. Missing him, the good him. Just plain hurt. Just big, true, raw, bloody pain. That's how it feels. Haven't told him yet that it's over, but then again don't know if I will really have to. Expecting him not to have given half a thought to be most of the day. Expecting him to be sound asleep. God help me. You choose what emotion to feed. You are choosing to miss the good parts of him and to focus on the good parts of your relationship. BUT - the bad parts were just as real as the good parts. And at this point, it serves your best interests to focus on those. Instead of letting yourself cry over the loss of the good parts, focus on the bad parts. Think about the horrible things he said to you. Imagine someone saying these things to your best friend. Your sister. Your mother. Would that make you angry? GOOD. Get angry. Fuel that anger. Keep thinking of everything horrible he has done. That stuff isn't something he could just get over if he would give in to your love - that is all part of him too. Get mad. You don't deserve that sh*t. You should not settle for someone who tries to make you feel "less than". Who smooshes you under his thumb like a bug. Eff him and his stupid jerk rules. YOU CAN DO BETTER. Keep fueling that anger until you believe it.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Honestly? I could only read down to the 3rd paragraph in your original post because it was so ridiculously childish that it made my brain bleed. Not childish on YOUR part. It's on the part of that JACKASS you've wasted 3 valuable months of your life on. Is there a reason you're clinging to this complete douche bag like grim death? I mean, is he the ONLY male in a 2,000 mile radius of where you live? Because NO other reason would make sense. Hello JustAPoster, Thank you for your response. Well, the most honest I can give you that is to say that yes, he has acted badly, however, as in many cases, he mediates it with some good. For example, during "good periods" he is extremely supportive and I really adore the way he touches me. I am a touchy person. We discuss all sorts of things. When he wants to communicate he does it well and when he wants to listen he listens well too--it makes me feel heard and it makes me feel good to discuss various topics with him. I am not telling you about the good things to change your mind about the bad stuff, I only want to bring the point across that if he were really terrible 100% of the time I wouldn't have been sucked into the childish melodrama. It is also a nuisance that he lives, literally, within blocks of me because we met often and I could stay with him whenever I felt like it. To the rest of the posters: I am sad because I miss the good parts. Perhaps that is the best way to describe it. As odd as it may sound he and I were working on the important parts, setting up honesty guidelines, getting to know eachothers friends, learning about eachother physically. I know this is cliche but it was an important personal investment. That's the other reason it's so hurtful--I took it personally--I said surely, surely someone with whom I have gotten "this far" with wouldn't simply ignore me on Valentine's Day over a petty argument fueled with his own provocation.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 You choose what emotion to feed. You are choosing to miss the good parts of him and to focus on the good parts of your relationship. BUT - the bad parts were just as real as the good parts. Hello pteromom, I hear ya, I really do. The other post about the physical abuse I also agree with and actually I spent a long while berating myself for not ending it at that point and waiting till now. I even remember how he felt justified in his anger after pushing me, he said what I did was unacceptable (the rude joke). He didn't take responsibility for his temper spinning out of control and actually denied having a temper problem when I confronted him about it. To this day I still feel he has never truly been remorseful for pushing me and felt justified in his response.
anna121 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Hello Anna, Thank you for your response. I encourage you to read my initial post on this thread. You will realize that I called him a hypocrite because he is a hypocrite. Do you realize how funny this response is? If he is a hypocrite, don't you think you have bigger problems than what to call him?
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 (edited) Do you realize how funny this response is? If he is a hypocrite, don't you think you have bigger problems than what to call him? Definitely. A little earlier in the relationship I noticed he did seem to say some hypocritical stuff and at first didn't call him on it because I wanted to see if it would continue and it did. Then I started calling him on it and that's when he didn't like it (why would he?). Eventually what happened a few nights ago happened... He really just tried to flip the switch when he said what he said. He tried to make it okay for him to have cursed me out "...your f*ckin mouth" and "...I don't go b*tching around when you study..." but the moment I called him a motherf*cker he made it personal for him, saying I cursed at his mother and that a mother is sacred, making me look like the bad guy instead of him for provoking me. Edited February 15, 2013 by JustSomeoneHurt
debber01 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 >>But last night, you see, we had a falling out and today he is ignoring me. After fights he always ignores me, and this isn't the first time in our nearly 3 month relationship that he has killed a nice holiday for us. RUN. Don't walk away. RUN! This was my entire marriage--the whole passive aggressive thing--and after a fight, he wouldn't speak to me for a couple of days, and then on day 3 act like nothing ever happened. Never resolved one issue in that marriage. No communication whatsoever. And then he dumped me after 25 years anyway. Why I stayed in such an unhealthy relationship for so many years? Meh. That's a totally different thread! But you're only 3 months into this thing. Dump his sorry *ss and move on. Take it from someone who's been there--and was there for 25 years. It's very unhealthy and borders upon emotional abuse. Good luck to you.
debber01 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Wow. Should have read the whole thread first before posting. Didn't realize that there was physical abuse as well. Again. You're living my life's story. Years and years ago, my exH slapped me in the mouth when I was taking a drink out of a glass bottle. Result? Broken front tooth and a trip to the dentist. There were other times as well, and my two girls grew up suffering from his uncontrollable rage and physical/emotional abuse as well. It will affect them for life. Yet, to anyone that didn't live with him, he was just such a nice, wonderful man. Even my own PARENTS didn't believe me!! The biggest question is why we put up with this *hit. Especially when it affects children. Low self esteem? Fear of the unknown? The stupid belief that you 'stay together for the kids?' Or all of the above? The physical abuse stopped when he became apathetic and just didn't give a *hit anymore, but the emotional abuse, like you are currently experiencing, doesn't ever go away. This was a broken man, just like the one that you are dating, and both could use not only counseling but anger management classes. Advice is still the same though girl. RUN. Don't walk---RUN away from this man before he destroys you. 1
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 And ever is he destroying me... I've been sitting here since I got up thinking to myself why is he doing this to me... I guess theoretically, if I had 0 self respect, if I really wanted it to stop, I could contact him, but I wouldn't allow myself to do it. I wouldn't even allow myself to answer his text that night. But the question is still there--Why is he doing this to me? Why is he doing this to himself? Does he even care? Did he ever care? If...just IF...if he is in pain also, then why? If he cares, then why is he doing this? It feels like torture. I don't know honestly if his intent is to torture, but lord knows it feels like torture.
RebelWithoutACause Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Wow. Should have read the whole thread first before posting. Didn't realize that there was physical abuse as well. Again. You're living my life's story. Years and years ago, my exH slapped me in the mouth when I was taking a drink out of a glass bottle. Result? Broken front tooth and a trip to the dentist. There were other times as well, and my two girls grew up suffering from his uncontrollable rage and physical/emotional abuse as well. It will affect them for life. Yet, to anyone that didn't live with him, he was just such a nice, wonderful man. Even my own PARENTS didn't believe me!! The biggest question is why we put up with this *hit. Especially when it affects children. Low self esteem? Fear of the unknown? The stupid belief that you 'stay together for the kids?' Or all of the above? The physical abuse stopped when he became apathetic and just ididn't give a *hit anymore, but the emotional abuse, like you are currently experiencing, doesn't ever go away. This was a broken man, just like the one that you are dating, and both could use not only counseling but anger management classes. Advice is still the same though girl. RUN. Don't walk---RUN away from this man before he destroys you. Meh, she won't listen to sound advice. She'll keep subjecting herself to abuse because she likes "how he touches her" and "how he discusses things with her".. Talk about low self esteem...
debber01 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 He's doing this because he's an entirely self centered man. It's ALL about him and how/what he feels. Believe me, I lived this life for 25 years. It ain't no fun!! No matter how hard you try, it still comes down to his selfishness and nothing that you do will EVER be good enough. He will destroy your self esteem. And it also comes down to his being passive aggressive and non-communicative. And physically/emotionally abusive. You've only got 3 months into this. Don't be like I was, a dumb *ss, and put up with it for 25 years. It will destroy any self worth that you have. And you will wake up one day at the age of 50, like me, trying to reinvent yourself with no job prospects (they take that away from you as well--you can't possibly have a chance to be independent-they can't control you then) and you will be faced with trying to re-learn how to date, after a 25 year absence. Do NOT allow him to do this to you. When I say he will destroy your life, I truly mean that in every sense.
debber01 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Rebel, it is ALL about low self esteem. And the longer you stay with a man like that, the lower the self esteem gets. I lived that nightmare. Went from someone who had never been on an airplane before (years ago) that flew to England for a couple of weeks, by myself, to someone who was afraid to drive my car! (Much much better now that he's gone though--starting to live the life I should have been living all along), but this is the (extreme) example of what a man like that will do to you. And the worst part is that when you're in the middle of it, and living it, you can't see it. You only see it once that man is gone from your life. Then you have that holy *hit moment. And realize that you've wasted a quarter of a century of your life living that way. That's why I'm trying to be so adamant with the OP. She needs to get the hell out of Dodge. Yesterday!
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Dear all, I am extremely grateful for everyone's advice and support. Strangely enough, for some reason this time around none of my friends have been available to help. It is so sad. I had two of my closest friends tell me they will call me back and never did, even after I told one of them I needed him. They have lives too, and the one who knew has a family he is taking care of. I don't want to make this is a pity party but I need to speak the truth and tell you how difficult it is for me to deal with this with no support whatsoever. I'm glad I registered here because if nothing else, I needed your help.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Update: He called. His number is blocked so the call went to voicemail. Going through emotional turmoil. Not calling back, but I am sure if I did I would also be blocked because in his eyes he must "do something back to me." He's extremely vindictive. His boss fired him and he wanted to get her deported. There were times he said "I hurt him" and he'd try to hurt me back as much as he could (I'd say more), then he'd say it's good I know how it feels when it's done back to me.
anna121 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 So I too have now read the subsequent message (a bit buried in fact) where you admitted that he has physically lashed out at you. I think you know what you need to do. Whether you are going to do it is another matter. I really, really hope that you find the strength to.
2sunny Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 And ever is he destroying me... I've been sitting here since I got up thinking to myself why is he doing this to me... I guess theoretically, if I had 0 self respect, if I really wanted it to stop, I could contact him, but I wouldn't allow myself to do it. I wouldn't even allow myself to answer his text that night. But the question is still there--Why is he doing this to me? Why is he doing this to himself? Does he even care? Did he ever care? If...just IF...if he is in pain also, then why? If he cares, then why is he doing this? It feels like torture. I don't know honestly if his intent is to torture, but lord knows it feels like torture. He's doing/done it because you ALLOWED it. Don't allow it anymore. No need to see him or speak to him again! He'll move on to his next victim that allows it...
veggirl Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Read the book Why Does He Do That? Check out the Baggage Reclaim website. You'll gain a lot of insight.
mortensorchid Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 He sounds terrible. Move on from him, then, as someone else suggested, go to a therapist and see what might be within you that you need to work on.
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