In desperate need -- painful relationship

[JustSomeoneHurt]

Dear all,

 

I don't know where to start, but I'll try to choose a place. I'm female, currently in a relationship with a male who is bringing much pain into my life. It is truly climaxing at this time, and I am finding that simply continuing to be in the relationship on a daily basis is a straight arrow through my soul. Today is Valentine's day, and a few days ago my beau announced that he'd bought me a nice gift and asked whether I'd like to go out today. But last night, you see, we had a falling out and today he is ignoring me. After fights he always ignores me, and this isn't the first time in our nearly 3 month relationship that he has killed a nice holiday for us. A similar situation occurred on New Years Eve--at least that night he was working and today he is not.

 

Let me give you a bit of background about my guy. He has a cult-like aversion to swear words, tells me it is a "sign of disrespect." But what sounds perfectly innocent to you actually manifests itself in him pointing at anything and everything as a swear word. Once I called him "stubborn" and he threw a fit. Another time I said "You're a hypocrite" and he threw a fit. I walk on eggshells constantly because of him and his desire to keep me in line by not disrespecting him the way he sees it. I am officially not to call him any common swear words including jerk, idiot, and basically anything else that may hint a negativity about him. Before, if I happened to swear at him, he'd call me on it and then imply that if I do this again there will be consequences. he would say things like "What did you say?" or "repeat that." Recently he has begun hanging up on me if I say something he doesn't approve of. An example follows.

 

Our fight last night was petty--much as it usually is--the common plot includes either of us bringing up a small issue that ends up spiraling out of control into a fiasco that has little to do with the original petty issue. When our fight last night gained momentum, actually I'd stayed away from using profanity but ironically it was him who took the shot at me. I told him I didn't care about something, just to give you context, I said "I don't care about so and so" and he took that to mean I don't care about him, then I said "No I didn't say I don't care about you" and to cut a long story short he says to me "Yes you just did, you just said it with your f*ckin mouth"

 

I said "excuse me?? My f*ckin mouth??" He apologized. A few minutes later in the conversation he says to me "I don't go around bitching you when you're studying" again I said "What did you say to me?? Repeat that!! What did you say!!" And he repeated it. Folks, this is hypocrisy at its finest and I am at a loss nowadays as to how to respond. I said to him "Listen, motherf*cker..." he did not wait a second, he immediately hung up on me. He only sent me a text message saying that he used an inappropriate word and that I should not have insulted his mother. I sent him one back saying the word is not about his mother, but about him. He has not called back since and I am positive he is waiting for me to call him after this situation, after he literally provoked me into acting this way whilst acting in the same way he asks me not to act, himself.

 

Like this, I am constantly in pain, like today, a day I was supposed to enjoy myself being with him, enjoy our relationship... And I am being tortured here on purpose after something he purposely provoked in me and is now punishing me for by ignoring me and forcing my emotions to implode inside of me until I submit. If I didn't care I wouldn't be writing this, if I didn't care I wouldn't be in pain. The embarassing reality about my situation is that I care so much I have lost several nights' sleep and I cannot continue like this with him because every time is it always the same. The last fight we had he literally tried to force an apology out of me because I said "f*ck you" to him in response to something rude he said. he also hung up on me that time too and found nothing wrong with it. He is trying to "discipline me" and make me walk on eggshells, he is trying to coerce me into acting the way he wants by any means necessary and I have told him before how depressed I get when we fight. But really, is the way I am feeling so uncommon amongst people who care about their relationship? I don't know how else to say it.

 

I don't know what to do. I can only admit that I truly care for him, I don't want to leave him, but the pain I am enduring is not worth it any more. I can't sit here day in day out worrying about us, worrying about how we'll get through this and resolve it. I am positive he isn't giving this a quarter of the thought I am putting into it because he is busy digging his heels into the ground trying to force me to submit and apologize to him for his own provocation.

 

Someone please advise me well.

 

Thank you for reading.

[Toddbt12y1]

Why are you with this control-freak?

 

Is it love? Or just a love for abuse?.....

 

You should leave him: he's a big baby. Ruining everything special. Jerk, etc...profanity? Hardly! He is a big baby who cannot handle negativity. You are wasting your time. Be a woman...put on your big girl undies and get rid of the abuser.

 

Find someone who will love you......love isn't about control. He doesn't love you. He is no man, listen:

 

REAL MAN DO NOT THREATEN WOMEN!! too many redflags, leave him.

[Lonely Ronin]

You aren't going to like this response.......

 

You need to:

1. dump his controlling ass

2. go see a shrink and find out whats wrong with you. No one should put up with crap like this.

 

Seriously, this sounds like a relationship from hell. How many fights have you had in the first 3 months?

[Treasa]

You need to break up with him. I've been in a relationship with a man like this. It didn't end well.

[clia]

Dear all,I don't know where to start, but I'll try to choose a place. I'm female, currently in a relationship with a male who is bringing much pain into my life. It is truly climaxing at this time, and I am finding that simply continuing to be in the relationship on a daily basis is a straight arrow through my soul.

 

Break up with him. Why do you want to remain in a relationship with a man who is bringing pain into your life?

 

Today is Valentine's day, and a few days ago my beau announced that he'd bought me a nice gift and asked whether I'd like to go out today. But last night, you see, we had a falling out and today he is ignoring me. After fights he always ignores me, and this isn't the first time in our nearly 3 month relationship that he has killed a nice holiday for us. A similar situation occurred on New Years Eve--at least that night he was working and today he is not.

 

Wait...hold up. You've only been together three months? And he's bringing all this torture and pain into your life? And you are fighting?

 

Seriously, break up with this man. I'm sure four months ago you were a much happier person. At three months you should still be in the honeymoon stage.

 

Let me give you a bit of background about my guy. He has a cult-like aversion to swear words, tells me it is a "sign of disrespect." But what sounds perfectly innocent to you actually manifests itself in him pointing at anything and everything as a swear word. Once I called him "stubborn" and he threw a fit. Another time I said "You're a hypocrite" and he threw a fit. I walk on eggshells constantly because of him and his desire to keep me in line by not disrespecting him the way he sees it. I am officially not to call him any common swear words including jerk, idiot, and basically anything else that may hint a negativity about him. Before, if I happened to swear at him, he'd call me on it and then imply that if I do this again there will be consequences. he would say things like "What did you say?" or "repeat that." Recently he has begun hanging up on me if I say something he doesn't approve of.

 

He sounds immature. He also sounds bat**** crazy.

 

Do you really need a man to "keep you in line"?

 

Why are you still with a man who you think is a jerk, idiot, etc.?

 

Why are you still with a man you are swearing at?

 

An example follows. Our fight last night was petty--much as it usually is--the common plot includes either of us bringing up a small issue that ends up spiraling out of control into a fiasco that has little to do with the original petty issue.

 

Honestly, you should not have a "common plot" for fights at three months into a relationship. It isn't normal. You should still be on cloud nine with this man. If this is how he is now, how much worse do you think this is going to get?

 

Folks, this is hypocrisy at its finest and I am at a loss nowadays as to how to respond.

 

You respond by kicking him out of your house, deleting his phone number, and never speaking to him again.

 

I said to him "Listen, motherf*cker..."

 

Seriously, not normal to be having a fight like this with a new boyfriend. Not normal at all. Not rational.

 

He has not called back since and I am positive he is waiting for me to call him after this situation, after he literally provoked me into acting this way whilst acting in the same way he asks me not to act, himself.

 

Do not call him back ever again. Block his number.

 

Like this, I am constantly in pain, like today, a day I was supposed to enjoy myself being with him, enjoy our relationship...

 

Break up with him. You and this man are not compatible. You don't get along. You have no time at all invested in this -- three months is a blink.

 

And I am being tortured here on purpose after something he purposely provoked in me and is now punishing me for by ignoring me and forcing my emotions to implode inside of me until I submit.

 

Why are you staying with him? You are only torturing yourself. There is ZERO reason why you have to be so miserable. All you have to do is break up with him.

 

The last fight we had he literally tried to force an apology out of me because I said "f*ck you" to him in response to something rude he said. he also hung up on me that time too and found nothing wrong with it. He is trying to "discipline me" and make me walk on eggshells, he is trying to coerce me into acting the way he wants by any means necessary and I have told him before how depressed I get when we fight.

 

Again, not normal to be fighting and swearing at each other after a 12 week relationship. NOT NORMAL.

 

But really, is the way I am feeling so uncommon amongst people who care about their relationship? I don't know how else to say it.

 

The way you are feeling is very, very uncommon for a 12 week long relationship. Again, it is not normal to be fighting like this so early on. It is only going to get worse.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Break up with him.

 

I can only admit that I truly care for him, I don't want to leave him, but the pain I am enduring is not worth it any more.

 

Why don't you want to leave him? Your life does not sound better with him in it. If you want to keep torturing yourself, keep him around. If you want to be happy, break up with him.

[Yellowteacup]

He is a control freak. For your safety and well being, walk away. NO, RUN AWAY!

[veggirl]

All of this in just 3 months? Girl. Run the other way, what is wrong with you? Why are you putting up with this? What is there to like about him? This will not get better, it will get WAY worse. This is supposed to be the honeymoon stage, what do you think it will be like 6 months from now? In a year and half I've NEVER had one fight at all w/ my bf like what you are describing with this guy. What you are putting up with is NOT normal at all! Have you had a healthy relationship before or is this how you think things just go?

[Lonely Ronin]

This is supposed to be the honeymoon stage, what do you think it will be like 6 months from now?

 

Domestic battery is the first thing that comes to mind!

[JustSomeoneHurt]

Hello: To Clia,

 

thank you for your response.

 

I feel on some level I cannot deny that I have a large part in the cursing. I tend to curse a lot and even before we got to "this point" I have a habit of cursing. I don't recollect exactly how often I cursed or until which circumstances, I'd say mostly during fights. That is just how I do it and he shined a light on me when he first told me how much it hurt him and that he'd prefer for it not to happen. So I took it down a notch. But there were times I'd say "You are acting like a jerk" or "You are being an idiot" I won't lie I've said stuff like that and even at the most minimal perceived insult he would flip out and take it personally. On the one hand the cursing is my responsibility because he did not ask me to curse at him and this is my problem to deal with. On the other hand, I can't really say anything to him even in the heat of self-expression. No one wants to be called an idiot, I understand, I try my best, but in this last example he purposely provoked my profanity and I won't sugarcoat it because I know well, that I was keeping myself in check.

[veggirl]

Hello: To Clia,

 

thank you for your response.

 

I feel on some level I cannot deny that I have a large part in the cursing. I tend to curse a lot and even before we got to "this point" I have a habit of cursing. I don't recollect exactly how often I cursed or until which circumstances, I'd say mostly during fights. That is just how I do it and he shined a light on me when he first told me how much it hurt him and that he'd prefer for it not to happen. So I took it down a notch. But there were times I'd say "You are acting like a jerk" or "You are being an idiot" I won't lie I've said stuff like that and even at the most minimal perceived insult he would flip out and take it personally. On the one hand the cursing is my responsibility because he did not ask me to curse at him and this is my problem to deal with. On the other hand, I can't really say anything to him even in the heat of self-expression. No one wants to be called an idiot, I understand, I try my best, but in this last example he purposely provoked my profanity and I won't sugarcoat it because I know well, that I was keeping myself in check.

 

JSH, you two are NOT compatible. I can't even imagine a situation where "you're an idiot" or whatever would even come up in a 3 month relationship. That is so awful--it's awful that he does things that evoke that feeling in you!

 

How many fights would you say you guys have had in 3 months?

[Quiet Storm]

At three months you should still be in the honeymoon phase, when you think each other's faults are "cute".

 

You don't need this aggravation.

 

He won't change. He has an idea in his head of how a woman is supposed to act, and he is trying to change you to fit his mold.

 

If someone argues with you about something stupid, or you find yourself rehashing the same things over and over, you must disengage. If you don't, you just feed into the drama. You should say "I'm not discussing this with you. Maybe we can talk later when you have calmed down and had a chance to get your thoughts together. You are too upset to have a rational, mature conversation". And leave.

 

You teach people how to treat you, and sticking around and engaging in arguments that last for hours sends the message that you will tolerate this behavior. It feeds into the drama. Leaving or refusing to discuss sets a boundary and shows him that you don't have the time or energy for this. It shows him that it is pointless to bait you into arguments.

 

You deserve better, and men like this don't usually change. He will always view you as being the problem because he doesn't have the capacity or the desire to look inward and work on his issues.

[clia]

Hello: To Clia,

 

thank you for your response.

 

I feel on some level I cannot deny that I have a large part in the cursing. I tend to curse a lot and even before we got to "this point" I have a habit of cursing. I don't recollect exactly how often I cursed or until which circumstances, I'd say mostly during fights. That is just how I do it and he shined a light on me when he first told me how much it hurt him and that he'd prefer for it not to happen. So I took it down a notch. But there were times I'd say "You are acting like a jerk" or "You are being an idiot" I won't lie I've said stuff like that and even at the most minimal perceived insult he would flip out and take it personally. On the one hand the cursing is my responsibility because he did not ask me to curse at him and this is my problem to deal with. On the other hand, I can't really say anything to him even in the heat of self-expression. No one wants to be called an idiot, I understand, I try my best, but in this last example he purposely provoked my profanity and I won't sugarcoat it because I know well, that I was keeping myself in check.

 

I hope this isn't all you took from my response!

 

I'm not judging you for cursing. I curse with the best of them. I have the biggest potty mouth on Earth. Do you want to now how many times I've sworn at my boyfriend?

 

NEVER.

 

He has never done anything that caused me to swear at him.

 

I think your guy deserved to be sworn at. He is a jerk, idiot motherf*****, etc. You and he are not compatible.

 

BREAK UP WITH HIM!

[JustSomeoneHurt]

JSH, you two are NOT compatible. I can't even imagine a situation where "you're an idiot" or whatever would even come up in a 3 month relationship. That is so awful--it's awful that he does things that evoke that feeling in you!

 

How many fights would you say you guys have had in 3 months?

 

This is embarrassing but I will answer your question. He and I would both agree we fight a good 50% of the time. We've had many arguments. I just want to say that I've had a good part in bringing some of the issues up, and I have faults too in that sometimes I will overreact and only realize I've overreacted later. For example, the petty argument we had yesterday didn't have to get nasty but it did, and because it did, this is why the "second half" ended so terribly. So, sometimes I get stuck thinking to myself, what if I hadn't brought it up? Am I to blame for this? But there are also the rare times when I realize he has turned a calm, decent discussion into a minefield as that has happened recently too. I mean, the way I see it there are things I noticed about myself because of him--I noticed that I can overreact because of my own insecurities that have little to do with him--and this is sometimes taken out on him--and I have also seen that he has some major faults where I do well. I don't know if we "balance out" but either way it is not all bad and when he's good, girl, he is excellent, not a better boyfriend in town. Sometimes he will make compromises for me or treat me with the utmost love, I know it sounds unrealistic after what I've said about him, but when it's bad it is BAAAD--just terrible. I'm going to admit something disgusting right now. About a month and a half ago I made a rude joke in front of him and his friend (about his friend) and my boyfriend had his arms wrapped around me at that moment I made the joke, mind you, he was holding me and I was not holding onto him (he took me in his arms). When I made the rude joke he pushed me away and I almost fell over. I was wearing heels and had to catch myself, I could've hit my head on tables...

[JustSomeoneHurt]

I hope this isn't all you took from my response!

 

I'm not judging you for cursing. I curse with the best of them. I have the biggest potty mouth on Earth. Do you want to now how many times I've sworn at my boyfriend?

 

NEVER.

 

He has never done anything that caused me to swear at him.

 

I think your guy deserved to be sworn at. He is a jerk, idiot motherf*****, etc. You and he are not compatible.

 

BREAK UP WITH HIM!

 

Hello Clia,

 

This is surely not all I took from your response. It's just I can't sit here and blame my bad behavior on him. If I am cursing then that is my responsibility and sometimes I do get VERY angry and I swear at him or yell at him and my anger isn't his problem. Of course there are times I do believe he deserves it because he refuses to listen to me and thinks the world revolves around him, case in point, the way he instigated the curses last night, I believe he deserved to be cursed at but maybe I could've used a different one like "@$$h0le" or something. Overall, I just wanted to make the point that at -least- half the time I have to take responsibility for using profanity towards him. But while I sit here taking responsibility for the profanity I use, I expect him to take responsibility for the emotional manipulation he uses towards me. There's more to hurting someone that a swear word, and I believe the emotional tools he uses against me are stronger to many curse words.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

At three months you should still be in the honeymoon phase, when you think each other's faults are "cute".

 

You don't need this aggravation.

 

He won't change. He has an idea in his head of how a woman is supposed to act, and he is trying to change you to fit his mold.

 

If someone argues with you about something stupid, or you find yourself rehashing the same things over and over, you must disengage. If you don't, you just feed into the drama. You should say "I'm not discussing this with you. Maybe we can talk later when you have calmed down and had a chance to get your thoughts together. You are too upset to have a rational, mature conversation". And leave.

 

Hi Quiet Storm,

 

Ironically, I would say this is the way he acts. I would bring up an issue I find is important to me and he wouldn't think it is an issue or sometimes it would get out of hand because we have varying opinions, and then I am hurt and he just doesn't care to discuss it and leaves the room. I get extremely anxious and depressed, I feel uncared for. He doesn't bring issues to me as often as I do to him HOWEVER whenever he brings something I have entertained each and every issue from beginning to end (as nicely as possible). I do feel he is unappreciative of my existing respect to him and the relationship. It hurts something tragic when I feel he doesn't give a rats behind about my thoughts and feelings. Maybe I complain too much, I don't know. Maybe he does too much stuff that is worth complaining about, I don't know. All I can tell you for sure is that I haven't been able to tolerate it since day 1 and developed a nasty habit of threatening the relationship because I was so hurt. That was a mistake. I do this very often, I threaten the relationship somehow. If so and so doesn't stop I won't stick around" or something like that. I never truly mean it though. Maybe I am weak. The longer I stay with him the more my heart melts. I don't mean it 99.9% of the time. Today though, I think for my own sake and sanity I need to make a decision.

[Toddbt12y1]

Wow...wait??

 

When did calling someone a jerk or stupid amount to cursing?

 

What pussified crap is that?

 

He cannot handle the heat LOL. How he feels? What about your feelings?

[KungFuJoe]

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say you guys should break up.

[serial muse]

This is embarrassing but I will answer your question. He and I would both agree we fight a good 50% of the time. We've had many arguments. I just want to say that I've had a good part in bringing some of the issues up, and I have faults too in that sometimes I will overreact and only realize I've overreacted later. For example, the petty argument we had yesterday didn't have to get nasty but it did, and because it did, this is why the "second half" ended so terribly. So, sometimes I get stuck thinking to myself, what if I hadn't brought it up? Am I to blame for this? But there are also the rare times when I realize he has turned a calm, decent discussion into a minefield as that has happened recently too. I mean, the way I see it there are things I noticed about myself because of him--I noticed that I can overreact because of my own insecurities that have little to do with him--and this is sometimes taken out on him--and I have also seen that he has some major faults where I do well. I don't know if we "balance out" but either way it is not all bad and when he's good, girl, he is excellent, not a better boyfriend in town. Sometimes he will make compromises for me or treat me with the utmost love, I know it sounds unrealistic after what I've said about him, but when it's bad it is BAAAD--just terrible. I'm going to admit something disgusting right now. About a month and a half ago I made a rude joke in front of him and his friend (about his friend) and my boyfriend had his arms wrapped around me at that moment I made the joke, mind you, he was holding me and I was not holding onto him (he took me in his arms). When I made the rude joke he pushed me away and I almost fell over. I was wearing heels and had to catch myself, I could've hit my head on tables...

 

OK. I get that you're trying to be fair, and that you want to acknowledge that you're not perfect. Of course he's not all bad. Duly noted. BUT.

 

There is absolutely NOTHING that you could have done to warrant the bit I've bolded. No excuses for him, now - what he did was completely wrong, and entirely on him. And no amount of good times makes up for bad times like this.

 

Please. Someone who does this is not in control of himself, and it's not going to stop here. Please, please get out of this relationship, stat, for your own sanity and health.

[pteromom]

I don't know what to do. I can only admit that I truly care for him, I don't want to leave him, but the pain I am enduring is not worth it any more.

 

Caring about someone doesn't turn them into someone you want them to be. This guy is controlling, angry, disrespectful and manipulative, and you can do MUCH MUCH better than this.

 

Forget about caring about HIM, and care about YOURSELF.

 

RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN!

 

And do.not.look.back.

 

Give YOURSELF the gift of freedom this Valentine's Day.

[pteromom]

When I made the rude joke he pushed me away and I almost fell over. I was wearing heels and had to catch myself, I could've hit my head on tables...

 

Oh, so he is also physically abusive.

 

Look, nobody thinks you are a perfect angel. Of course you have faults too. Of course you make mistakes too.

 

And sure, he has a right to be disgusted by cursing.

 

But his reactions go WAYYYYYY beyond what is normal. What he says to you is just terrible. The way he manipulates you by hanging up and dangling consequences over your head is indication of his core belief that he has a say in who you are and what you do.

 

You need to get away from him.

[veggirl]

3 months in and he is already pushing you

 

Please leave this loser. It doesn't MATTER if you swear too much or you have faults as well. His behavior is unacceptable, period! You are going down a dangerous path, well on your way to being physically abused on the regular Please don't let yourself get any more attached to this psycho, is this really how you see the great love of your life going?!?!

[JustSomeoneHurt]

Okay everyone,

 

The entirety of this Valentines Day I did not hear from him. As I said previously we exchanged texts earlier in the night last night, but nothing after that and I didn't reply to his last text so the convo ended. Nothing all day today.

 

Here is where I am at. I am depressed. I am sulking, crying my eyes out everywhere virtually, hiding my tears poorly, thinking about how he looks and his touch, missing him tremendously, being unable to cope. Missing him, the good him. Just plain hurt. Just big, true, raw, bloody pain. That's how it feels. Haven't told him yet that it's over, but then again don't know if I will really have to. Expecting him not to have given half a thought to be most of the day. Expecting him to be sound asleep. God help me.

[2sunny]

The best gift you could get!

 

Hopefully you never hear from or see this abusive, control feral, passive aggressive guy again.

 

You need serious counseling to find out why you would think he deserves one minute of your time/attention.

 

Do not communicate with him!!!

 

He's abusive - but you have ALLOWED it!

 

Don't ever do that again!

[RebelWithoutACause]

I am depressed. I am sulking, crying my eyes out everywhere virtually, hiding my tears poorly, thinking about how he looks and his touch, missing him tremendously, being unable to cope. Missing him, the good him. Just plain hurt. Just big, true, raw, bloody pain. That's how it feels. Haven't told him yet that it's over, but then again don't know if I will really have to. Expecting him not to have given half a thought to be most of the day. Expecting him to be sound asleep. God help me.

 

You shouldn't get so worked up over somebody you barely know. Keep your feelings in check until you really get to know them and they've proven themselves to you. The initial stages of dating should be light fun and any hint of odd behaviour should put you on high alert.

Honestly, sounds like you've got some co-dependency issues you need to work on. You'll never be happy if your happiness depends on somebody else's moods. Use this as a learning experience and move on. And leave that controlling ahole behind.

[veggirl]

Yes Rebel is totally 100% right. You need to keep yourself in check until you actually know if the person you are randomly attaching all of your heart to is worth it. After 3 months, a relationship not working out is definitely disappointing but to be as crushed as you are is concerning.