Girlfriend is asking me to do something I am not in agreement with...

[TheBigQuestion]

You are wrong. I didn't assume. I just follow your posts. You think this is the first time I ever read a post by Kaylan, UF, etc?

 

I'm in a relationship and have been in the past. So have they. You obviously don't read the boards enough or you would have picked up on that. Either way, you were mistaken about all those posters, and it was nothing but a cheap shot on your part. I don't understand why you had to engage in that type of behavior, but I guess that's just your thing.

 

Either way, we're more in agreement than anything else. It's an incompatibility issue, but I definitely think there's an element of control on the part of his girlfriend.

[serial muse]

In this situation, I'm siding with op.

 

His gf suffers from a form of post traumatic stress disorder. Her reaction to his drinking (a trigger for her) is due to her past experience with an alcoholic.

 

What she is doing is "assuming" that EVERYONE who drinks is an alcoholic. This is understandable, but WRONG. It's similar to someone who is excessively jealous due to having been cheated on in the past.

 

Unfortunately, there is no simple solution. Unless op's drinking habits are causing issues (which he's given no indication of) there should be no reason for his gf to have issues with him drinking. However, telling her to "not worry about it" is like telling someone who is scared of heights to "just get over it".

 

She needs to somehow realize this and find a way to trust op. If she can't do it, then she needs to find someone who isn't a drinker.

 

This may just come down to plain ol' incompatibility issues...and there's not much that can be done most of the time.

 

Agree with this. I feel like her question "why do you need to drink more than 2 at a time" is a kind of strawman question - the OP never said he needs to do that, he just enjoys it. The question - the choice of word, i.e. "need" - reveals more about her than the OP - it casts a bright spotlight on her own fears.

 

But as KungFu says, those fears might not be so easy to allay, with her past experience.

 

On the other hand...I find myself wondering if her past guy really was an alcoholic, or if that was perhaps just her perception of him, too?

[Janesays]

If that what it comes to, I am willing to accept it. I don't want it to come to that but if it comes to that...I can accept it.

 

Well then, it is what it is. No ones fault. Just one of those things.

 

Better luck with the next girl, buddy.

[clia]

I totally agree that it's a compatibility issue. I would not date a guy who never drank. I tried it once and couldn't deal with the constant Eye of Judgment.

 

What bothers me more, though, is the attempt to control what he does. "You can't have more than two drinks," like he's a child or something. He's obviously managed over the past 40 years to conduct himself in a reasonable manner and hasn't had any problems due to alcohol. And, she's apparently attracted to him since she's been dating him for four months, so her need to put a limitation on him is troubling.

 

For me, whether or not she's making a reasonable request doesn't even enter the equation. It's her being so presumptuous that she thinks she has the right to change his behavior -- which from what has been posted here hasn't been a problem and she's been aware of it the entire four months they've been dating. I might feel differently if there was some alcohol related incident that occurred (i.e. a DUI or he's been putting away a 12 pack a night) where she said "Whoa, better slow down." But nothing has changed, his drinking isn't unreasonable and isn't even every day, and now she's decided that he should follow her drinking rules. I don't know...just really rubs me the wrong way.

[KungFuJoe]

Op,

 

In your opinion, do you think there's a chance to get your gf to be ok with you drinking? I mean, is this a dealbreaker for her? If you keep drinking, is she out the door?

 

The fact that she had a bad experience with an alcoholic MIGHT actually play in your favor. If you can show her that you can drink and STILL be a responsible adult, you could change her opinion. I mean, she probably USED to be ok with drinking until the alcoholic changed her opinion..so who's to say you can't change it back?

[Janesays]

What bothers me more, though, is the attempt to control what he does. "You can't have more than two drinks," like he's a child or something. He's obviously managed over the past 40 years to conduct himself in a reasonable manner and hasn't had any problems due to alcohol.

 

People keep saying that he's never had any problems due to alcohol. Yet...he's 40 and single and about to lose his girlfriend over the booze.

 

That's not considered a problem?

[pteromom]

For me, whether or not she's making a reasonable request doesn't even enter the equation. It's her being so presumptuous that she thinks she has the right to change his behavior -- which from what has been posted here hasn't been a problem and she's been aware of it the entire four months they've been dating. I might feel differently if there was some alcohol related incident that occurred (i.e. a DUI or he's been putting away a 12 pack a night) where she said "Whoa, better slow down." But nothing has changed, his drinking isn't unreasonable and isn't even every day, and now she's decided that he should follow her drinking rules. I don't know...just really rubs me the wrong way.

 

I see what you are saying, but it could be that it has been bugging her for a while and she's been trying to just ignore it, and SHE is somewhere posting that she isn't happy with how much her boyfriend is drinking and is worried that it's an issue, and is considering whether to continue the relationship herself, and people on that forum are saying "have you asked him to limit himself?"

 

You just never know. Only OP knows if being controlling is part of her personality, or if maybe it took a lot of guts and deep breathing for her to even get to the point where she could bring it up.

[serial muse]

Hang on a sec...is this the same women that you wrote about last month, OP? The one who didn't get dolled up for dates and that bothered you?

 

Hm.

 

Did you ever talk to her about that? You took a lot of heat on that thread for coming across as a bit controlling. And it's interesting that it's the reverse here.

 

I guess I'm just wondering how much of a theme this is, in this relationship in general. You guys haven't been dating that long, but you seem to have very specific expectations of each other that aren't being met...and there does seem to be an undercurrent of control going on. I don't know, not a lot to work with here but it just struck me.

[Janesays]

Hang on a sec...is this the same women that you wrote about last month, OP? The one who didn't get dolled up for dates and that bothered you?

 

Hm.

 

Did you ever talk to her about that? You took a lot of heat on that thread for coming across as a bit controlling. And it's interesting that it's the reverse here.

 

 

Well, if he did and she was willing to meet him in the middle and dress differently....but he screams bloody murder if she asks him to meet her in the middle about his drinking....then honestly? She's better off without him.

 

He's too old to not understand that relationships are about give and take.

[clia]

People keep saying that he's never had any problems due to alcohol. Yet...he's 40 and single and about to lose his girlfriend over the booze.

 

That's not considered a problem?

 

Um...what's wrong with being 40 and single?

 

Seriously. Tell me. Wow.

 

I happen to think his girlfriend is making an unreasonable request. That's my opinion; the OP may disagree. In my view, it isn't a loss to lose a person who is making unreasonable requests. The OP has almost no time invested in this woman. He may decide that he's fine with her telling him he can only have two drinks; that's his choice. Me? I'd feel manipulated if my boyfriend of four months started trying to control me and tell me what I could drink (or eat, for that matter). He probably wouldn't last much longer with me. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

[pteromom]

Hang on a sec...is this the same women that you wrote about last month, OP? The one who didn't get dolled up for dates and that bothered you?

 

I guess I'm just wondering how much of a theme this is, in this relationship in general. You guys haven't been dating that long, but you seem to have very specific expectations of each other that aren't being met...and there does seem to be an undercurrent of control going on. I don't know, not a lot to work with here but it just struck me.

 

Good catch, and good points. I forgot about that thread.

[TheBigQuestion]

Agree with this. I feel like her question "why do you need to drink more than 2 at a time" is a kind of strawman question - the OP never said he needs to do that, he just enjoys it. The question - the choice of word, i.e. "need" - reveals more about her than the OP - it casts a bright spotlight on her own fears.

 

But as KungFu says, those fears might not be so easy to allay, with her past experience.

 

On the other hand...I find myself wondering if her past guy really was an alcoholic, or if that was perhaps just her perception of him, too?

 

Exactly. His "needing" alcohol is a quality that she is projecting onto him.

 

Good point about the past boyfriend too. Someone else mentioned it, but some Americans (especially those who grew up in the Bible Belt) have some incredibly puritanical views about alcohol, to the point where drinking any alcohol leads to suspicious looks and accusations of that person having " a problem." Most of the world has lower/unenforced drinking ages and no public open container laws for a reason.

 

In this case, it wouldn't surprise me at all if her fears about OP developing alcoholism are the result of a combination of both negative past experiences and the repressive attitudes Americans have toward alcohol.

[KungFuJoe]

Hang on a sec...is this the same women that you wrote about last month, OP? The one who didn't get dolled up for dates and that bothered you?

 

Hm.

 

Did you ever talk to her about that? You took a lot of heat on that thread for coming across as a bit controlling. And it's interesting that it's the reverse here.

 

I guess I'm just wondering how much of a theme this is, in this relationship in general. You guys haven't been dating that long, but you seem to have very specific expectations of each other that aren't being met...and there does seem to be an undercurrent of control going on. I don't know, not a lot to work with here but it just struck me.

 

If it is the same girl then I would say save yourself the trouble and just move on.

[clia]

I see what you are saying, but it could be that it has been bugging her for a while and she's been trying to just ignore it, and SHE is somewhere posting that she isn't happy with how much her boyfriend is drinking and is worried that it's an issue, and is considering whether to continue the relationship herself, and people on that forum are saying "have you asked him to limit himself?"

 

You just never know. Only OP knows if being controlling is part of her personality, or if maybe it took a lot of guts and deep breathing for her to even get to the point where she could bring it up.

 

No, I agree you never know. But, he drank on their first and second dates, so it's not like something he held back and sprung on her. If it really bothered her that much, I can't see her lasting four months with him. It seems a little contrived.

[TheBigQuestion]

Um...what's wrong with being 40 and single?

 

Seriously. Tell me. Wow.

 

I happen to think his girlfriend is making an unreasonable request. That's my opinion; the OP may disagree. In my view, it isn't a loss to lose a person who is making unreasonable requests. The OP has almost no time invested in this woman. He may decide that he's fine with her telling him he can only have two drinks; that's his choice. Me? I'd feel manipulated if my boyfriend of four months started trying to control me and tell me what I could drink (or eat, for that matter). He probably wouldn't last much longer with me. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

 

Indeed. More assumptions made about OP's backstory that we don't have. He could be a widower for all we know.

[pteromom]

Um...what's wrong with being 40 and single?

 

Seriously. Tell me. Wow.

 

I didn't take Jane's comment as meaning that it is an issue to be single, but that a relationship ending over alcohol consumption could be indication of a problem with alcohol.

[TheBigQuestion]

I didn't take Jane's comment as meaning that it is an issue to be single, but that a relationship ending over alcohol consumption could be indication of a problem with alcohol.

 

From what we can tell, though, the "problem" is being manufactured by OP's girlfriend's demands. OP is not even close to alcoholism. That's a medical fact.

[serial muse]

I didn't take Jane's comment as meaning that it is an issue to be single, but that a relationship ending over alcohol consumption could be indication of a problem with alcohol.

 

I mean, it could, but it could also be about control. To be honest, my gut reaction on reading the OP was "oh, hell no" and I thought she sounded controlling. But then, I'm bringing in my own backstory, which includes dealing with an overly controlling partner rather than an alcoholic.

 

So again, we find that paperboy's threads are the perfect lens through which to view our own past relationships! paperboy, you bring out the best in all of us.

 

In all seriousness, I feel like we probably just don't know enough, and, as in that thread, we're assuming an awful lot about what's going on. But the theme of jockeying for control does seem to run through their relationship.

[Janesays]

From what we can tell, though, the "problem" is being manufactured by OP's girlfriend's demands. OP is not even close to alcoholism. That's a medical fact.

 

So....was it equally as controlling for the OP to tell his girl to change her style of dress to suit him?

[serial muse]

From what we can tell, though, the "problem" is being manufactured by OP's girlfriend's demands. OP is not even close to alcoholism. That's a medical fact.

 

I agree with you that he doesn't seem like an alcoholic, from his described relationship to alcohol, and as I said, my gut reaction is that she's in the wrong here, and appears overly controlling. But, because I am a stickler about "facts," I feel compelled to point out that one can be an alcoholic even if one doesn't drink at all anymore. So it's not so much a medical fact that 1-2 drinks a day doesn't make one an alcoholic. It's not the volume that matters.

[TheBigQuestion]

So....was it equally as controlling for the OP to tell his girl to change her style of dress to suit him?

 

I didn't read that thread and don't know what happened there. If we assume that his attempts to get her to dress differently were of the same quality as her attempts to get him to curb his drinking to essentially nothing, then yes, he was being equally controlling.

 

I could be wrong though. After all, I'm "painfully single" and have limited experience with relationships. That apparently forbids me to comment on anything

[pteromom]

From what we can tell, though, the "problem" is being manufactured by OP's girlfriend's demands. OP is not even close to alcoholism. That's a medical fact.

 

Maybe. Or maybe, like alcoholics I have known, he's in denial about how much he drinks and how much it affects him. I don't know the OP, but I've known alcoholics, and I have never known one still actively drinking that admits the ways alcohol affects his life.

 

"From what we can tell" is the key here - we don't know OP's GF's side of this issue at all. It could be she is controlling. Could be she's puritanical about alcohol. Could be she's pushing back about something he's trying to control her in (dressing up, perhaps?) I dunno. You dunno either.

[Feelin Frisky]

People keep saying that he's never had any problems due to alcohol. Yet...he's 40 and single and about to lose his girlfriend over the booze.

 

That's not considered a problem?

 

Thanks. Some seem to see this as a one-size-fits-all matter of contentiousness over who's controlling whom. That's kid stuff. It matters that he is his age--she surely takes this into consideration. And it matters that we're talking about something that messes with one's brain and not which leg he puts his pants on first. She's not saying he can't watch football or play video games or w/e else. She has a legitimate stake in wanting a guy that shares her value for sobriety. I used to think differently about this and consume a lot but I wouldn't argue that my drinking was a good or righteous thing. I even blew a lay by going out with someone where we both had two drinks and talked for hours. I chose to have a third--a night-cap as it were because the buzz was gone and boom, she got turned off and cold. No way did that last drink register on my demeanor--in fact she just changed over me having it. If I would have any sense that she was going to react that way, I would have passed on that stupid last drink. But the Martini was in the glass and the $8 on the check before I could sense that this was gonna turn the night into a good bye hand-shake. Who knew? But I learned. If you want the girl, don't eff up. And I triple down on my earlier post.

[pteromom]

But then, I'm bringing in my own backstory, which includes dealing with an overly controlling partner rather than an alcoholic.

 

So again, we find that paperboy's threads are the perfect lens through which to view our own past relationships! paperboy, you bring out the best in all of us.

 

This exactly. I bring in my backstory of growing up the daughter of an alcoholic.

[Janesays]

Maybe. Or maybe, like alcoholics I have known, he's in denial about how much he drinks and how much it affects him. I don't know the OP, but I've known alcoholics, and I have never known one still actively drinking that admits the ways alcohol affects his life.

 

"From what we can tell" is the key here - we don't know OP's GF's side of this issue at all. It could be she is controlling. Could be she's puritanical about alcohol. Could be she's pushing back about something he's trying to control her in (dressing up, perhaps?) I dunno. You dunno either.

 

Personally, I think that anyone who NEEDS to drink 3-4 beers every night, to the point that they would rather toss away a healthy and happy relationship than even dial it back a little, has a problem with alcohol. Generally, that's also what they say in AA too. If you NEED a beer every night to unwind, you have a problem. It's not about the volume. It's about not being able to put it down.